Article: Microaggression & Messages They Send

[Ashley&Scott]

I posted this in another thread but I thought it deserved it's own thread as well. This is a pretty good example of common microaggressions & the messages they send. 

www.ucop.edu/academic-personnel-programs/_files/seminars/Tool_Recognizing_Microaggressions.pdf

Please feel free to discuss. 

[jsillyfun]

I think those are great and I would like to share that with my class.

[redheadk]

This was great. Definitely lots to be aware of.

One that I think is missing but important is the prompting of people, especially children, to look at someone. This can be a big problem when there is an inherent imbalance of power (such as the student-teacher relationship) since in some cultures, children are taught to look down when spoken to. It is not disrespectful for them to look down.

[juliette21]

I just cannot believe these words would come out of people's mouths, but I know they do and unfortunately, I have heard some of them too. I automatically peg that person as an idiot/racist so in a way it helps me weed out bad people in my life, but yes this is a good thing to share with people.

[D2M]

So good. So much to think about. I've witnessed/experienced and, I admit, been party to some of these. For example, when people ask where I'm from, I'm happy to tell them because I'm proud of my background/culture BUT I am a white female who speaks fluent English so no one ever assumes I'm "other" or do not belong. I do not get questions on a regular basis. My friends who are POC or the children of immigrants from non-European countries do not have that luxury.

[nessness]

Thanks for sharing. There were some things on the list where I was like "why would anyone think that's okay to say?!?!" and others where I had to think about it a little, because I didn't immediately see what was wrong with it.

DH is black and early in our relationship I used to really downplay his fears that someone wouldn't or didn't like him because of his race, mostly because I was trying to reassure him (like, "of course she's going to like you!"), but I've since realized that's the wrong way to respond.

Can I ask a question about something on this list? Is it still a microagression to ask someone where they're from if the question is prompted by their accent and not their appearance? I can think of two times I've asked this recently. Both people were white and raised in other countries and neither seemed offended, but I'd hate to be inadvertently offending people.

[simpsongal]

They should add one about people w/disabilities. Not staring/gawking, but not looking away. Not talking down, etc. I'm sure there are plenty of other ones to add.

ETA: I'm fairly certain you could find a Michael Scott ("The Office") clip to accompany every.single.one.of.these.  So hard to watch sometimes... I'm reminded of the time he asked Rashida Jones' character if her dad was a Vietnam vet.

[anna7602]

Jan 26, 2016 12:03:14 GMT -5 juliette21 said:

I just cannot believe these words would come out of people's mouths, but I know they do and unfortunately, I have heard some of them too. I automatically peg that person as an idiot/racist so in a way it helps me weed out bad people in my life, but yes this is a good thing to share with people.

I have gotten every single one in the first box (and some of the others below) and I assure you that the speakers were not all visibly blatant assholes. I think the whole point of discussing microaggressions is that you don't have to be Donald Trump to commit one. Regular, average, normal people say/do many of these things without ever consciously recognizing the implications.

Labeling it "bad people" seems like you don't think anyone is capable of stepping back and saying, "oh, hey, maybe I need to think more before I ever say something like this again." It also gives an easy out for people to think "oh, I would never commit a microaggression, I'm a 'good person.'"

[Lucy Honeychurch]

This is a great article. Thanks for sharing.

[juliette21]

Jan 26, 2016 12:13:47 GMT -5 anna7602 said:

Jan 26, 2016 12:03:14 GMT -5 juliette21 said:

I just cannot believe these words would come out of people's mouths, but I know they do and unfortunately, I have heard some of them too. I automatically peg that person as an idiot/racist so in a way it helps me weed out bad people in my life, but yes this is a good thing to share with people.

I have gotten every single one in the first box (and some of the others below) and I assure you that the speakers were not all visibly blatant assholes. I think the whole point of discussing microaggressions is that you don't have to be Donald Trump to commit one. Regular, average, normal people say/do many of these things without ever consciously recognizing the implications.

Labeling it "bad people" seems like you don't think anyone is capable of stepping back and saying, "oh, hey, maybe I need to think more before I ever say something like this again." It also gives an easy out for people to think "oh, I would never commit a microaggression, I'm a 'good person.'"

That is an excellent point. I didn't think of it that way. What I mean is that I would automatically judge someone who talked that way. And I have. My wording was a bit strong. 

[undecidedowl]

That seems like a great list. For the most part, all of those seemed clear to me how they would be micro aggressions. I struggle more with some comments, in context. For example, when meeting someone new at a function I would typically ask where they were from and it would start a conversation and we could talk a little about ourselves. I'm primarily surrounded by white middle/upper class, so no problem. But then does this mean that it's never okay to ask a POC where they are from because of the concern that I might mean they don't belong?

[suzubell]

Great article. Thanks for sharing.

[Ashley&Scott]

I will admit that I mispronounced our friends names for a long time. I did not realize it was a microaggression but I felt like it was disrespectful to them even though I wasn't doing it on purpose.

They have non-English names & I didn't remember the correct pronunciation after our initial introduction. I felt like it would be offensive to repeatedly ask them how to say their name so instead I said things like "hi guys" to avoid saying their names as much as possible until I figured it out. Eventually after carefully listening to them I mastered the correct pronunciation.

Does anyone have advice on how to quickly pick up correct pronunciation? I also tried googling the names but there were no results at the time. 

[undecidedowl]

Jan 26, 2016 12:30:24 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

I will admit that I mispronounced our friends names for a long time. I did not realize it was a microaggression but I felt like it was disrespectful to them even though I wasn't doing it on purpose.

They have non-English names & I didn't remember the correct pronunciation after our initial introduction. I felt like it would be offensive to repeatedly ask them how to say their name so instead I said things like "hi guys" to avoid saying their names as much as possible until I figured it out. Eventually after carefully listening to them I mastered the correct pronunciation.

Does anyone have advice on how to quickly pick up correct pronunciation? I also tried googling the names but there were no results at the time. 

I'm not sure if this is the best way, but I would say "I want to make sure I'm pronouncing your name correctly, is it ___?" Usually there are a few back and forths where they correct and I re-attempt and I always feel bad about that. But, I figure is better that I get it correct right away.

Eta: also, after you get it, write it down phonetically so you can reference later.

[SallySparrow]

I haven't been involved in these posts yet, mostly because I had no idea what to say. But this is really helpful.

Thanks for sharing!

[Ashley&Scott]

Jan 26, 2016 12:35:11 GMT -5 undecidedowl said:

Jan 26, 2016 12:30:24 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

I will admit that I mispronounced our friends names for a long time. I did not realize it was a microaggression but I felt like it was disrespectful to them even though I wasn't doing it on purpose.

They have non-English names & I didn't remember the correct pronunciation after our initial introduction. I felt like it would be offensive to repeatedly ask them how to say their name so instead I said things like "hi guys" to avoid saying their names as much as possible until I figured it out. Eventually after carefully listening to them I mastered the correct pronunciation.

Does anyone have advice on how to quickly pick up correct pronunciation? I also tried googling the names but there were no results at the time. 

I'm not sure if this is the best way, but I would say "I want to make sure I'm pronouncing your name correctly, is it ___?" Usually there are a few back and forths where they correct and I re-attempt and I always feel bad about that. But, I figure is better that I get it correct right away.

Eta: also, after you get it, write it down phonetically so you can reference later.

I do try to do that too. But I was only seeing them once every few weeks so by the time I saw them again I was second guessing my pronunciation again. Writing down the correct phonetic spelling is a great idea, then I could practice at home until I was confident. 

[magpie]

This was a great article! As someone of mixed race, I've had a lot of experience with the "What are you?" "Where are you from?" "What is your nationality?" type questions and have always felt them to be a little wacky. Maybe I should start nudging people to question why they think I'm not a real American rather my stock move, which is to answer as cryptically as possible because it's funny to watch the wheels turn.

I also never really connected the idea that people everywhere (at work, when I was in school, at the grocery store, when they have to thank me by my Safeway card membership, etc.) mispronouncing and stumbling through my last name is a microaggression. My last name is a little long, but it is English. It is completely phonetic and there's nothing complicated about it. I guess people see me (not all that white) and see my name and think that it must be pronounced in a more exotic way. These are great examples about how it isn't necessarily about intent, but there's a clear message there.

[pugz]

This was helpful, thank you!

[osulori]

Thanks for posting!

[Deleted]

Jan 26, 2016 12:18:06 GMT -5 undecidedowl said:

That seems like a great list. For the most part, all of those seemed clear to me how they would be micro aggressions. I struggle more with some comments, in context. For example, when meeting someone new at a function I would typically ask where they were from and it would start a conversation and we could talk a little about ourselves. I'm primarily surrounded by white middle/upper class, so no problem. But then does this mean that it's never okay to ask a POC where they are from because of the concern that I might mean they don't belong?

No, not at all.

There is a difference between making small talk and asking someone where they are from and "othering" them and asking where they are from.

I was just on vacation so of course a natural question that was asked a lot, was where are you from? No big deal.

That's a big difference then when I'm walking down the street and someone asks where are you from? And I say XYZ city in america...and they say no, really, where are you really from? They assume I'm from a country in Africa and insist on it over and over. 

Or asking me where I'm from because "I speak so well" so I must be from London.

ETA: And if I'm really curious where a person is from (like if I want recommendations about a restaurant in the area), I'll say "are you from Brooklyn or Philly or wherever I am. 

[Deleted]

Also, I shared this on ML too. So the good word has been spread!

[qcinoct]

thank you for posting this

[mannah]

Thanks for this link--tons of great examples I've never thought about and helpful explanations.

[magpie]

Jan 26, 2016 12:18:06 GMT -5 undecidedowl said:

That seems like a great list. For the most part, all of those seemed clear to me how they would be micro aggressions. I struggle more with some comments, in context. For example, when meeting someone new at a function I would typically ask where they were from and it would start a conversation and we could talk a little about ourselves. I'm primarily surrounded by white middle/upper class, so no problem. But then does this mean that it's never okay to ask a POC where they are from because of the concern that I might mean they don't belong?

I think it's perfectly natural to ask people where they are from, if it's just small talk and you would ask the same thing of them, no matter what they looked like.  It's more of an issue when people ask where I'm from, to which I will answer, "California," and then, they show that they are not satisfied with this answer because they'll ask followups like, "Where are you really from?" or "Where is your mother/family from?" or (my favorite) "But what is your nationality?"  I don't really get up in arms about this stuff, but it is a regular reminder in my life that I look different and that people perceive me as an "other."  People have gotten a lot better about this in more recent years though (maybe because hapa people are becoming pretty common).  

[noodleoo]

Wow, thx for this. It clearly articulated things that have been said to me over the years that bug me. I've gotten s lot of these in the workplace where I don't think people even realize what they are doing.

The most blatant one was at a recent job with a very young software company. I was the only woman on an project team and had one guy constantly assume I was the note taker. It pissed me off so much, he seriously treated me like his secretary. He would make eye contact or really talk to me otherwise. Omg it still makes me mad thinking about it. And he was freaking 25 years old!

[caramia17]

This was great! I try to be cognizant of these things with my students, patients, and colleagues who are generally international and racially/religiously/etc. diverse, but there was some great information here for identifying and minimizing my own biases when I talk/interact. Thank you!

[pennylane]

Thanks for sharing. I've been thinking about this stuff a lot and having discussions with my H.

[scribellesam]

Thank you, this is helpful and clear. I was confused by much of the explanations in recent threads.

[aspentosh]

Very interesting. I really appreciate the "message" column to drive it home. So many that I would have never thought about.

I think I was most surprised by "the melting pot". I say that quite regularly for the area I am in, and TBH I still don't 100% understand why/how it's bad. If I'm using it to describe my area and explain that there are a lot of people from different countries and backgrounds, is that as bad? Note- not trying to say it's not. Asking a sincere question so I can make sure I stop if it will offend anyone!

[missmaddie]

Jan 26, 2016 16:51:37 GMT -5 aspentosh said:

Very interesting. I really appreciate the "message" column to drive it home. So many that I would have never thought about.

I think I was most surprised by "the melting pot". I say that quite regularly for the area I am in, and TBH I still don't 100% understand why/how it's bad. If I'm using it to describe my area and explain that there are a lot of people from different countries and backgrounds, is that as bad? Note- not trying to say it's not. Asking a sincere question so I can make sure I stop if it will offend anyone!

Growing up we always heard that in Canada we were a "mosaic" vs the US being a "melting pot", suggesting we were better (this was the lens teachers/whoever were delivering the message through) at embracing multicultural activities/languages/religions/etc. and people being more welcome to retain their practices in Canada, vs having to assimilate to act like Americans were "supposed" to in the melting pot.

Eta - please forgive that run-on sentence!