(((((hugs))))) So sorry carrots. I think when you still love the person, but they aren't able to be a good spouse, that's got to be one of the hardest situations. I hope that the separation will provide you with the peace and space to decide what you want your next steps to be.
I do think it's possible for things to improve while you're separated. And since this kind of hinges upon your DH, hopefully the separation will help him focus on what he needs to do to make it work.
Post by NewGirlNic on Feb 22, 2016 18:24:13 GMT -5
Lurker chiming in. Just wanted to let you know that my H's bff's parents separated for about a year. They reconciled and are now (seemingly) very happy. So, there are definitely success stories.
Big hugs. I absolutely think it can work out after a small separation. I really do think the heart grows fonder in their absence and hope that is true for you.
(((hugs))) I am so sorry! I hope this time affords you both the time and opportunity to work through this and get to where you want to be. I do know a couple that separated, were able to work through things, and have been back together for several very happy years. Know we're here for you during this
Post by sunnysally on Feb 22, 2016 22:05:59 GMT -5
I've been thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way since your last post. I don't think you are being naive. I hope the best for you and please remember to take care of yourself. You are also going through a lot.
The people I know who made it work after a separation actively worked on their individual and couple issues in therapy while they were seperated. No dating others, their end goal was to start dating eachother again if they could get far enough in couples therapy.
The ones who didn't seemed to expect separating would magically fix everything? Or dated because they were seperated. Which naturally created new issues.
So yes I think you can reconcile. But it's hard work.
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Every situation is different, but I'm not sure staying in the same household is a good idea. When I was having major issues with XH's honesty, we stayed together, and I think that made things too easy. Like, most of the time, we could kind of sweep it under the rug and pretend things were getting better. If he had moved out, we might have taken the rift more seriously and worked harder. Or I should say, HE might have worked harder. We didn't separate until I was truly done.
I also had this experience. Perhaps, if we had separated, we would not be divorcing right now.
Post by fairygodmother on Feb 23, 2016 4:44:40 GMT -5
I've often thought that if my first h and I had separated when we were (I was) miserable we may have been able to make it better...so yes I think it's possible.
I'm hopeful we can work out a lot of these issues we have, with some space, healing, and therapy. Is that naive to think a couple can separate and still work on things? We're developing our list of expectations during this time with the hopes of making this better. I'm not convinced my H believes I want this to be better, but I do.
I don't think this is naive. My parents had a ton of conflict in their marriage for years, and eventually my father moved out and to another state, when I was in 6th grade. Somehow, they kept working on things. They had to try three different marriage counselors but they found one that resonated with them eventually, and they did end up getting back together. They just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and they really are so sweet with each other.
I just wanted to share that to give you some hope that it can work. It's a long hard road and I am very sorry that you are dealing with these difficulties.