So my husband told me this a few days ago.

[eb777888]

I can't imagine anyone hating you.


Are you happy at all?

[elleblue]

Well that doesn't sound very kind or supportive. What prompted this conversation?

[snipsnsnails]

That is a heartlessly cruel thing to say, scotty.

It doesn't matter if you think it's true or if he said it in a matter of fact manner. I'm sorry he said it to you.

[medicmommy]

We have ups and downs and I seem to go through spurts where I'm hell bent on changing and others where I don't care either way. I hope there is some happiness for you!

[pantsparty]

What the fuck is WRONG with your husband? First the asperger's comment, now THIS?

What a fucking asshole!

[calle28]

I'm sorry Scotty. I don't like your husband very much. He says unnecessarily cruel things.

[hopecounts]

What's your current mental health support team look like?
Not being happy isn't necessary there are so many therapy/med/support options now.
You deserve to be happy or at the very least content.
And as always make sure you aren't just surrounded by assholes.

[MixedBerryJam]

I just want to hug you, scotty, for real. I'm completely NOT telling you what to do, if anything, but after a literal lifetime of depression (I didn't know the word depression when I was a kid, but I definitely knew something was not ordinary about the way I felt when I was as young as single digits) While I still deal with depression and anxiety (neither on a daily basis though), meds have done me a fucking world of good. I'm like a Jehovah's Witness when I talk about my antidepressant journey. I don't think I was "lazy" exactly for my first 45 years, you just couldn't have convinced me that there was any other way. My current pcp says as long as the antid I'm on continues to work, she'll continue prescribing it without periodic psych evals. I've been on it most of the last 15 years. Oh, and here's your (((hug))) and maybe some booze for your pms.

[eb777888]

Mar 10, 2016 17:00:21 GMT -5 scottyderp said:

Mar 10, 2016 16:57:55 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

I can't imagine anyone hating you.


Are you happy at all?

At all, yes.  I can experience happiness.  I check myself.  I spend more of my time not being that happy, though, which I think is situational, but I'm positive, all the time.  I do enjoy things, still.

Sorry, I meant in your marriage, I wasn't referring to your H's comment about your being depressed.

[hopecounts]

Mar 10, 2016 17:02:27 GMT -5 calle28 said:

I'm sorry Scotty. I don't like your husband very much. He says unnecessarily cruel things.

It's the asperger's he should do better but he doesn't have the theory of mind to see how hurtful these comments are.
He needs some therapy focusing on this and emotional cue reading and if he is unwilling to address this OP should look at her options no one deserves this.

[fluffydamn]

First off serious **hugs**
I just wanna say that it's really bullcrap that he would say that. We all have our personal demons that we have to live with. But there is no excuse for him to say that to you. He should support you scotty, not belittle you. You're worth so much more <3
You need to be with someone who will build you up, not tear you down Hun.

[katieido]

I think I'd have a lot of conflicting feelings of my spouse told me this, and I don't think it's wrong for you to feel miffed regardless of how your depression may or may not have affected your motherhood potential.

I dunno, it's a weird what-if spirally thing for him to say, that to me would be construed as hurtful. What was his angle?


You definitely deserve to be happy.

[nicbreeful]

I'm sorry, scotty. I don't know what to say. So here are some puppies that don't know how to dog yet.





(hugs)

[elleblue]

So you were stuck languishing in a place you didn't want to live while dealing with health problems and he acts like your spirit and life force draining away over time was just inevitable? Omg, I'm so mad at him on your behalf.

[W.T.Faulkner]

It's been my experience that if you feel like something is wrong, especially over the course of a number of years, than it normally is.

This doesn't have to be your normal.

(hugs)

[ijack]

Mar 10, 2016 17:00:18 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

What was the context for this comment? It's a shitty thing to say regardless, I'm just wondering.

Moms are people. Many struggle with depression, anxiety, etc. Having depression doesn't disqualify you from being a mom or from being a good mom.

Does your H not feel like anything is wrong in your relationship? I can kind of relate in that I'm always more worried about potential relationship issues than my H is. I feel like he'd need something major like me cheating on him or telling him he can never go for a run again (lol) to make him question our marriage. Sometimes I bring up things that I feel are issues, and he's like "huh?"

But back to you - if you guys separated, sure, you'd still deal with depression, anxiety, health issues.. but you wouldn't also have to deal with a partner who makes comments like the one he made above. You have to ask yourself whether he's more of a positive factor in your life or a negative one.

This. I'm a mom. I have depression, anxiety, and ADD. I struggle and last year was a really bad year for me, but I'm still a pretty good mom. I'm not perfect and sometimes I phone it in, but I love my kids and they love me and they have a pretty great life.
I would be really hurt if my partner said that to me. You deserve better. 

[sparkythelawyer]

Seriously, leave. Move. Come to Chicago, get a sweet apartment, and get some cats, and fuck him. I bet you'd be happier not having to constantly prop this turkey up.

[hopecounts]

scottyderp , ((hugs)) having a relationship with someone on the spectrum can be so very hard.
Connecting in a way we NT's need can be very tough due to things like this where they are oblivious to the consequences of their words/actions.
It's ok to say you need more in a relationship, whether that's insisting he get some help so he can be a better partner or moving on.

starting over is never easy, but with a plan it could be a wonderful fresh start and you could be in a much healthier place emotionally.

[pantsparty]

scotty, you bring up these things he says as though they are the facts, and I don't believe it to be so. What makes him the expert on YOU? Depression is treatable. It's not a life sentence which would preclude you from having children. The fact that he conflated it as such is a huge overestimation, one that places the blame squarely on you. That's awful.

[jigsy]

First, you need this....




Second, I was chronically depressed throughout my marriage. I thought that was just how I was and how I was forever going to be. But when I separated from my XH, I went to therapy and learned that wasn't the case, and having a partner who drags you down instead of lifts you up makes a lot of difference.

Hugs.

[margarita]

I would be so hurt by that. I'm sorry.

You are far too awesome not to be happy Scotty. <3

[sparkythelawyer]

Mar 10, 2016 17:14:37 GMT -5 scottyderp said:

I am not the strongest person

Bullcrap.  You are so much stronger than you realize.  You are constantly fighting on these boards for the underdog that needs you.  You have fought so hard to get your health to a better place, you are so much braver and stronger than you know.  People don't tend to realize when they are being brave because most of the time they are just trying not to crap their pants.  

You are stronger than you know.

[ijack]

Mar 10, 2016 17:14:37 GMT -5 scottyderp said:

If I leave him, I don't have much, and that scares me. I am not the strongest person, with a really high income. I don't have close family. He is/was my stability in a lot of ways, that is humbling to admit, and he knows it. I'm trying to increase my abilities myself. I suppose I'm codependent. I'm working on it. I don't know what will happen. I do think he has kind of fucked with my head a bit, but I've definitely bitten back. I just feel like, now, he's just here, doing what he does best, which is be pretty disengaged. He doesn't need much emotionally, because of the AS. Whereas, me, well... idk. I kind of require more conversation. I don't think I'd make an amazing wife to anyone right now. I am working stuff out.

But just because you're not being "an amazing wife" to him right now, it doesn't mean that he also gets to phone it in and give up on you. Your partner is supposed to be with you through sickness and health and that means ups and downs for both of you. It's one thing if he's struggling too with things, but if he's just not giving his best because you aren't, that's not fair.
You don't need to be the strongest person with a really high income to make it work without him. Will it be scary? Yes. Will it be hard? Maybe. But just maybe it will be better for you. Maybe he is contributing to some of your depression and anxiety.

[speckledfrog]

That was a shitty thing to say.

[sparkythelawyer]

Mar 10, 2016 17:16:01 GMT -5 scottyderp said:

Thanks for even reading this. It will all tone down after my shark attack period, but I definitely feel like I wish I could start over at 17, knowing what I know now.

I'm really scared to be alone. That's hard to admit.

You already are.  You might as well be "alone" in an environment that isn't chipping away at your soul. 

[pantsparty]

Mar 10, 2016 17:14:37 GMT -5 scottyderp said:

 I don't think I'd make an amazing wife to anyone right now.

I, for one, would snatch you up as a sister-wife in a heartbeat.  (heart)

[bittybomb]

Aww, this makes me sad. Everyone deserves happiness. Are you happy with him even a little? You deserve to be happy, a lot.

[elleblue]

Mar 10, 2016 17:14:37 GMT -5 scottyderp said:

If I leave him, I don't have much, and that scares me. I am not the strongest person, with a really high income. I don't have close family. He is/was my stability in a lot of ways, that is humbling to admit, and he knows it. I'm trying to increase my abilities myself. I suppose I'm codependent. I'm working on it. I don't know what will happen. I do think he has kind of fucked with my head a bit, but I've definitely bitten back. I just feel like, now, he's just here, doing what he does best, which is be pretty disengaged. He doesn't need much emotionally, because of the AS. Whereas, me, well... idk. I kind of require more conversation. I don't think I'd make an amazing wife to anyone right now. I am working stuff out.

Do you have anyone around you that you could spend more time with and with whom you could cultivate a deeper friendship?* I agree with the others who have said that he needs to make an attempt, regardless of the AS, but that doesn't help with the issue of your loneliness now. 


*not talking about an affair, talking about a close girlfriend

[hopecounts]

And his AS is only an excuse so far as him not coming by these skills naturally.
My DD is being taught empathy and how to think about her words, she is 5 there is no reason he can't do better except like of desire to do so.
You are worth more then that.

[ijack]

Mar 10, 2016 17:16:01 GMT -5 scottyderp said:

Thanks for even reading this. It will all tone down after my shark attack period, but I definitely feel like I wish I could start over at 17, knowing what I know now.

I'm really scared to be alone. That's hard to admit.

You don't have to tone it down. It's good to get this stuff out but you should also be willing to get help for you. Not because someone tells you to, but because you deserve it.