I get being scared too. I was so scared to leave. I decided to move across the country thanks to the support I found from friends here. But I was shitting myself...everyone would say that I am strong, but really, I thought, what choice do I have?
I also realized it is so much easier to be strong when you are only shouldering your own burdens, instead of the burdens of yourself, your partner, and your marriage.
Everyone loves my H. That's also a problem. lol. They typically like him more than they like me. He appears very easy-going, and normal.
mofongo, IDK where he's coming from, honestly. I appreciate the compliment. <3 Context, was me lamenting missing out on a period where I could have had kids, but we were stuck in TN.
Ok, this right here?
He clearly does know how to manage himself with in social norms. So I'm leaning toward he's saying mean shit, but hiding behind his diagnosis.
It is very possible that your health issues will lessen if you are on your own.
It is very easy to say " You deserve better, leave". This has got to be scary. But know that many people here do care and can offer moral support if needed.
I will also say that my brother has AS (I have black friends?) and is loved by all. So I get it and don't want to come across as insensitive. But he's also genuinely kind, and was given the tools to deal with his being on the spectrum from a young age. I'm sorry that your H didn't get that benefit as well. I truly am.
:nods: DD is learning these skills. She may not do it naturally or because she emotionally gets why she should do it but she is learning to respond to other people's feelings in appropriate ways. For example last night at a family dinner her slightly older cousin who she loves knocked over her drink and was embarrassed DD gave her a hug and said 'its ok things happen' because she has learned when someone is upset you try to make them feel better.
I have so many stories like this about my brother. Lol. We learned early on never to ask him what he's laughing at if you weren't 100% sure. Because be would tell you in excruciating detail and at your expense. He also learned that it's perfectly ok not to answer. I really love that guy.
You would be surprised what an impact removing a negative influence can have, when you've accepted that negativity as reality for so long.
What if the negativity is me, and I don't realize it? People love my H. Like, LOVE.
I'm not saying you're an angel, but we know, factually, that he has a negative influence on you. He says hurtful things. He may not say them to hurt you, but that doesn't really matter, kwim? It still hurts you. And it's unnecessary. That's what makes it a net negative. And each hurtful thing, every non-nurturing interaction, etches you permanently. I want you to find someone who loves you, warts and all.
I get being scared too. I was so scared to leave. I decided to move across the country thanks to the support I found from friends here. But I was shitting myself...everyone would say that I am strong, but really, I thought, what choice do I have?
I also realized it is so much easier to be strong when you are only shouldering your own burdens, instead of the burdens of yourself, your partner, and your marriage.
Not only is scotty shouldering all those burdens, it sounds like her H (sorry to talk about you like you're not in the room scotty) is purposely adding extra shit he's digging up for the sole purpose of adding to the burden.
Post by jellymankelly on Mar 10, 2016 18:06:56 GMT -5
I've suffered most of my life with anxiety and depression, and prior to getting pregnant with our first child, my XH told me that he didn't think I'd be a particularly good mother because I had a difficult relationship with my own mother growing up and was too anxious to deal with parenthood. 10 years later, and I'm a freakin awesome mother to two kids, and have done it for half of that time mostly alone. He concedes now that I am a great mom who takes great care of our kids. Don't let someone else, someone who knows where your soft spots are and deliberately pokes at them, talk you into thinking you're less than what you are. He is WRONG. I only know you from your posts here, but I think you're freaking awesome.
Things you say about your marriage remind me a lot of mine, and that makes my heart hurt for you, because it's so hard living with someone who makes you feel like you aren't worth it.
OK, let's say you ARE the negative, crazy one. (Which I don't believe is true.)
How can you make any improvements when you have someone who is saying such hurtful things to you? I'd be negative if someone talked to me like your H does, was in a detached marriage, etc, too!
A supportive spouse would say, "hey! I'm concerned about you. You're always really down/detached (or whatever). How can I help you? What do you think WE can do to improve this situation? You can't be happy. And when you're not happy, it's hard for me to be happy...and then we have an unhappy house. And then we're all miserable. I love you. Let's work on this together!" (I know because I just had this conversation 2 nights ago.)
Ok so lets play along and say you're the negative one (for the record, I don't actually think it's you). Is it possible that some of this is because you don't have the kind of partner you need and feel stuck and lonely because of that?
I don't know, elle. I have been told that I'm crazy by a lot of people growing up, and my mom is kind of crazy, so, I genuinely question myself. I don't think I'm literally crazy, but I may feel different than how you're supposed to feel. Maybe that's why this isn't working?
There isn't any set standard for how people are supposed to feel in life. And actually, feeling depressed given the circumstances you've dealt with seems like the most normal reaction in the world, whatever normal actually means. You're charming and quirky and have a wicked way with words. You may not be everyone's cup of tea, or even easy to get along with, or whatever you're thinking people think about you, but those things make no difference in how much you're worth as a person. You have value and you deserve to be loved and not feel lonely, especially in your marriage.
I kind of think you are the more functional person because you can see and feel that perhaps things are off. You can see it for what it is and that you both contribute to it. I get from him that it is always you falling short in some way, some failing on your part and not him.
We all have our shit. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I am a mom. My mom went through bouts too, but she was and continues to be an amazing, sometimes annoying, mom. I don't think that precludes you unless you are not able to function.
I think loving someone is accepting them as they are but not throwing it in their face all the time.
Just want to send you a big hug. And a pint of ice cream. And some wine.
Post by compassrose on Mar 10, 2016 18:20:48 GMT -5
I agree that focusing on yourself for a while is a good idea-- figure out your meds, hunt for jobs, and maybe the earlier suggestion of working with a Democratic campaign to meet other liberal people. I think if you are in a place of feeling better about yourself, you will realize you deserve better than this.
Regarding potential divorce: Are you in a community property state? If so, my understanding (disclaimer: not a lawyer, had an amicable divorce) is that you are entitled to half of the assets accumulated in your marriage. So you may be better off financially than you think once your divorce was finalized. And I know moving to a place you don't know anyone is scary, but the beauty of GBCN is that we have people all over, especially in liberal cities. You could literally have a fresh start if you want it.
Leaving a marriage is terrifying. And the first year was hard and lonely for me. But I pretty much have my dream life now and I could never have had it with my XH.
I've seen the way you interact here and never had the pleasure of meeting you in real life, but I know from how you are here, that you are a very compassionate, sensitive, humor filled, beautiful soul. Those are all traits of what I consider a good mom. You're life partner should see those and recognize you for those.
I keep typing and deleting, but essentially when you picture not being with him- do you feel relief?
I do. I also know that I'll miss him, because part of me knows that he is trying, sometimes, even if it's not working. He kind of became my family, I'm not close with hardly anyone in my family.
Post by aussiecrush on Mar 10, 2016 18:29:00 GMT -5
Add me to team AS doesn't excuse being an ASS. I'm raising two boys on the spectrum and if they talked to important people in their lives like this I'd be very sad and very angry.
If being perfect were a requirement to be a parent, no one would be including your H. I hope you can find someone to talk to and consider meds. Not for him, for you. Huge hugs.
I agree that focusing on yourself for a while is a good idea-- figure out your meds, hunt for jobs, and maybe the earlier suggestion of working with a Democratic campaign to meet other liberal people. I think if you are in a place of feeling better about yourself, you will realize you deserve better than this. Regarding potential divorce: Are you in a community property state? If so, my understanding (disclaimer: not a lawyer, had an amicable divorce) is that you are entitled to half of the assets accumulated in your marriage. So you may be better off financially than you think once your divorce was finalized. And I know moving to a place you don't know anyone is scary, but the beauty of GBCN is that we have people all over, especially in liberal cities. You could literally have a fresh start if you want it.
Leaving a marriage is terrifying. And the first year was hard and lonely for me. But I pretty much have my dream life now and I could never have had it with my XH.
This is the one time I wish I didn't live in Canada. My parents have a huge farm. We should drop some prefab houses on it and have a ML commune. Even if it was just transitional. The only downside is my mom suggesting that every problem in life can be fixed with a good walk. Even like broken ribs. I love your spirit Scotty. I really do.
A lot of stuff has been deleted, but I from what I gather, you deserve better. You are an awesome, funny, kind person. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I've seen the way you interact here and never had the pleasure of meeting you in real life, but I know from how you are here, that you are a very compassionate, sensitive, humor filled, beautiful soul. Those are all traits of what I consider a good mom. You're life partner should see those and recognize you for those.
I keep typing and deleting, but essentially when you picture not being with him- do you feel relief?
I do. I also know that I'll miss him, because part of me knows that he is trying, sometimes, even if it's not working. He kind of became my family, I'm not close with hardly anyone in my family.
You may find that this is not true.
I knew my divorce was the right thing, by the time I initiated it, but my biggest struggle in that time was the idea that I was going to miss this person that I had shared so many years of my life with. We had done and been through so much together and he was literally the only person who had been a constant in my day to day life during that time. I had other support, luckily, but not people who went through every day with me. It made me really sad to lose that history and that automatic person to talk to about whatever.
I was surprised how quickly I got over that. Honestly, the only time I've missed him since he moved out (almost 3 years ago) is when I am having a problem with technology because he was good at fixing that kind of stuff. That's literally it. From basically the moment his car drove away I felt calmer, more hopeful about my future, and happier than I did with him. Yes, it sucked moving into a crappy house and not knowing if I was going to find someone else in the future, but it sucked less than being in a crappy relationship where there was no hope for a happy future.
I don't "know" you but you seem like you deserve a whole lot better than what you're getting. You can have a better life. You can do it.
I don't know how different you could possibly be irl as opposed to how you are here. But here you are a breath of fresh air. You are real, and honest and funny. I love when you post and look forward to hearing your "voice" here.
You deserve to be loved and appreciated, you are awesome just as you are.