Scotty, you are the bees knees. If you are anything irl like you are here, I can say without a doubt that we would be good friends.
Your h sucks. It's ok to scared of the unknown, being alone, missing him. He is all you've known for a long time. Feeling that way is perfectly normal.
Do you feel "better" when he isn't home? Like, do you feel like you can relax a bit because you aren't waiting for the next shitty comment?
I'm sorry. I wish I were closer to you.
Leaving is never easy, but is it better for YOU and your health if you do?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Scotty, you are the bees knees. If you are anything irl like you are here, I can say without a doubt that we would be good friends.
Your h sucks. It's ok to scared of the unknown, being alone, missing him. He is all you've known for a long time. Feeling that way is perfectly normal.
Do you feel "better" when he isn't home? Like, do you feel like you can relax a bit because you aren't waiting for the next shitty comment?
I'm sorry. I wish I were closer to you.
Leaving is never easy, but is it better for YOU and your health if you do?
(((Hugs))) friend. Such a hard place to be.
Yes. When he is gone I sometimes miss talking to him, having him around, but when he's around I'm constantly stressed. Most of the time, I'm relaxed when he is gone, moreso than when he is here.
The only thing I'm going to say that eventually you'll have had enough and you'll do the right thing by leaving. But until then you KOKO. ((hugs))
I know. SSDD. You rarely say anything about this, but I know what you're thinking and value your opinion, seriously. I just am afraid to make the wrong moves anymore. I've made a lot of crazy mistakes.
For what it's worth, I also think you are awesome and I think you deserve to be happy. I know that it's hard to know what "happy" even looks like, let alone how to get there.
I feel really sheepish about the love, but I appreciate it. I know this has gone on forever, and people are like, "End it." It's hard.
I don't think anyone is feeling that way. And it is hard.
From what you just wrote above, I think you already have one foot out the door. If you're more comfortable when you're alone and anxious when you're together, well that speaks volumes. *hugs*
The only thing I'm going to say that eventually you'll have had enough and you'll do the right thing by leaving. But until then you KOKO. ((hugs))
I know. SSDD. You rarely say anything about this, but I know what you're thinking and value your opinion, seriously. I just am afraid to make the wrong moves anymore. I've made a lot of crazy mistakes.!
I understand where you're coming from. I was afraid to make ANY moves because "what if it's a mistake?" When I was 41, I talked to a woman in AA (who had a squillion years of sobriety) about leaving my h. I said, "what if it's a mistake?" And she said, "what if it is? You learn from it! It's called 'growing and learning'"
I understand your fear. Buuuut...maybe you made the "wrong move" by marrying him? Maybe it's time to fix that mistake. I dunno...only you can answer that. : )
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I know. SSDD. You rarely say anything about this, but I know what you're thinking and value your opinion, seriously. I just am afraid to make the wrong moves anymore. I've made a lot of crazy mistakes.!
I understand where you're coming from. I was afraid to make ANY moves because "what if it's a mistake?" When I was 41, I talked to a woman in AA (who had a squillion years of sobriety) about leaving my h. I said, "what if it's a mistake?" And she said, "what if it is? You learn from it! It's called 'growing and learning'"
I understand your fear. Buuuut...maybe you made the "wrong move" by marrying him? Maybe it's time to fix that mistake. I dunno...only you can answer that. : )
I understand where you're coming from. I was afraid to make ANY moves because "what if it's a mistake?" When I was 41, I talked to a woman in AA (who had a squillion years of sobriety) about leaving my h. I said, "what if it's a mistake?" And she said, "what if it is? You learn from it! It's called 'growing and learning'"
So much this.
And as it turned out, it WAS NOT a mistake!! lol
I went on to meet DH and it was fabulous. I was so glad I took that leap to leave someone that I was totally miserable with. : )
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
It definitely won't hurt to meet with a lawyer. If you've been married a while, things might not be as bad as you're thinking?
Your posts are a joy to read. I've laughed so hard at so many things you've written. I can't imagine you're any less delightful in person. I've missed the serious things you've written. But it sounds like your H doesn't see you the way we do. I really do not think all of us are wrong.
Other posters have already said what I would like to tell you. My STBXH was unkind and talked me down very often. I was so scared to leave because I always wanted to be and stay married. I have low self esteem and serious anxiety.
But I left, and it's hard sometimes. I miss the marriage, but not the man. Living without the stress and the anxiety of being with someone who is not supportive is such a relief!
So many people have said what I would say, and better than I could say it. So I just want to add more hugs, and to let you know that you deserve to feel happy, and I hope you find what will help make you feel happy!
The only thing I'm going to say that eventually you'll have had enough and you'll do the right thing by leaving. But until then you KOKO. ((hugs))
I know. SSDD. You rarely say anything about this, but I know what you're thinking and value your opinion, seriously. I just am afraid to make the wrong moves anymore. I've made a lot of crazy mistakes.
I just want to say something about this. You mentioned you don't trust yourself and think you are crazy. When I was with XFI-I thought I was crazy. He gaslighted the shit out of me, and I didn't see it. I was so convinced alllllll of our issues were me. Because I was crazy. And I was afraid to leave because I had made all the mistakes and he was just being honest with me.
The best thing XFI did for me was convince me I was crazy so I went to therapy. When I started therapy, I talked him up. All about how he was my rock and how good he was and how I cause all these problems. My therapist was very good at getting to why I thought me being me was a problem? I mean, I have ADHD and an anxiety disorder. That does not make me crazy or a problem. It makes me human. I came around and would tell her things XFI said and it was so eye opening. She didn't tell me to leave, but she helped me realize how much he was influencing how I saw myself.
You may be crazy, but so what? We all are. it doesn't make you a bad person. But you may also be reflecting what you see from your H. You are becoming what he TELLS YOU YOU ARE, not who you really are. I'd suggest telling a therapist every thing he says, even the things you don't think are bad. Talking it out and getting to the root of why you feel the way you feel.
The only thing I'm going to say that eventually you'll have had enough and you'll do the right thing by leaving. But until then you KOKO. ((hugs))
I missed the OP but so much this ^
My ex gaslight the shit out of me -- all of my requests (simple things like "I'd like you to eat dinner with me and the kids") were labeled as "unreasonable expectations". Add to it his habit of picking at all of my weakspots emotionally and psychologically and it took me forever to get the nerve up to do something. Once I started down the road and told him, I started feeling like me again--it still took the better part of two years, but I can say I am more "me" now than I was 5 years ago.
Whatever you decide to do, we're here for you--never doubt that.
I was in a bad, abusive relationship for years. I'm just sharing my experience, not saying your H is like my ex, just sharing. My ex would constantly (like, at least once a week) tell me that I was weak. I started to believe it. I had no confidence in anything that I did. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, and he relished it.
Anyway, please know that you are not weak. Life is hard enough without someone who is supposed to encourage you, putting you down instead.
Oh yeah...my ex-h told me that too after I left him. Seriously? I was the weak one? It was so hard, but I did it, because I was strong.
Many of you have known me for years. Do I seem weak to you? lololol
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Scotty, you are the bees knees. If you are anything irl like you are here, I can say without a doubt that we would be good friends.
Your h sucks. It's ok to scared of the unknown, being alone, missing him. He is all you've known for a long time. Feeling that way is perfectly normal.
Do you feel "better" when he isn't home? Like, do you feel like you can relax a bit because you aren't waiting for the next shitty comment?
I'm sorry. I wish I were closer to you.
Leaving is never easy, but is it better for YOU and your health if you do?
(((Hugs))) friend. Such a hard place to be.
Yes. When he is gone I sometimes miss talking to him, having him around, but when he's around I'm constantly stressed. Most of the time, I'm relaxed when he is gone, moreso than when he is here.
I feel really sheepish about the love, but I appreciate it. I know this has gone on forever, and people are like, "End it." It's hard.
This speaks volumes. And it is hard. Very hard. Leaving my h was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I was comfortable with him. He was what I had known for the last 10 years. I was scared shitless of the unknown and where I would be without him. Scared shitless. It took me a long time to get to a place where I was ready to leave. A long time. Much longer than it should have. But it was a place I needed to get to on my own. No one else could get me there. I completely understand where you are coming from.
I want to say thanks to everyone in this thread who shared their experiences. You all have held up a truth mirror and, I have to say, it isn't pretty. I hope and pray that I will eventually get the strength and courage to do what I need to do for my own sanity.
Huge hugs to you Scotty. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Post by alexithymia on Mar 11, 2016 12:28:43 GMT -5
I missed the OP, but I can kind of get the gist from the replies. My xh used to really asshole-ish stuff to me all the time. He'd constantly insult my intelligence, rag on me for my housekeeping skills, and even went so far as to tell me I would be a horrible mother. I was in a really bad place and started to think I deserved it. It took a huge blow-out fight for me to finally tell him to leave. And, you know what? Once he was gone, I felt so much better. I finally stopped feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshell. And, I was less lonely without him there than I was with him.
Hugs. This isn't easy to go through. I hope you find strength through all of this, and do what you need to do to end up happy.
I missed the original of what he said but I am glean from the responses what it was about.
As you know I left my H in the beginning of Feb. Its scary, its hard. I often wonder if I am making a huge mistake. But then when I am in bed after a long day and I realize I did it. All on my own, without him, I smile. I love my H, but there is only so much I could take. Once I am hurt I am pretty much done. I really hope you realize just how amazing you are.. and how the person you are sharing your life with should be treating you like the Rockstar you are. If your spouse doesn't see the best in you, cut him loose. You deserve more. If your spouse is annoyed by or unsupportive of you when you have bouts with depression or anxiety.. cut him loose. You deserve better.
Basically if he can't handle you at your worst, then he doesn't get to share life with you when you are at your best. hugs Scotty
I missed the OP but I got the gist. Scotty, your posts here make my day. There is no way those posts can come from someone that is unlikable. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
I am currently going through a divorce. My husband would sometimes build me up but most times he would nitpick about every little thing that he thinks is wrong with me. Which is a lot. He is actually the one that asked for the divorce, but hindsight being 20/20, I now realize that I should have left years ago. He has control issues and was always trying to control me and change me. I never let him, and I guess he finally gave up and wants out.
I have anxiety and depression. Ever since, my depression has gotten a little better. (My anxiety hasn't but my whole life is in a big upheaval right now so I wouldn't expect it to be less.)
There are moments where I am scared shitless about my near future being on my own. Hell, even about the far off future as well. And other times I am excited and relieved.
If you decide to leave, that makes you very brave. I doubt you'd regret it. And if you don't leave, I completely get that too, and it doesn't make you weak. Over the past few months I've learned that being happy is all that matters in the end.
I am telling you my story so that you can see that someone out there can very much relate, and wants you to be happy and feel support.
Post by textbookcase on Mar 11, 2016 16:33:01 GMT -5
I'm sorry, Scotty. I read the op but I tend to stay out of marriage posts because I feel like I have no room to give advice since I'm basically in the same boat, but I feel you. I think you're a great person and you deserve to be happy. Big hugs, lady.