You do what you feel is best with regard to your needs for financial support, stability, etc. And I don't mean that snarkily. You're a smart woman who knows better than I what you can handle. But I will say that he's not right for you and probably won't make you happy unless you fundamentally change who you are. I'm biased, but I don't think you should do that. I think you're pretty cool. I certainly don't think you need him for any emotional support. It's kind of counterintuitive to think that someone with his condition would be the best source for that kind of thing. At best he could offer a neutral sounding board, but it sounds like he's actively tearing you down. That's a problem.
Do you have anyone around you that you could spend more time with and with whom you could cultivate a deeper friendship?* I agree with the others who have said that he needs to make an attempt, regardless of the AS, but that doesn't help with the issue of your loneliness now.
*not talking about an affair, talking about a close girlfriend
I am trying to find people I have more in common with. I am really liberal in a very conservative place, and I have trouble finding people that I connect with. I am working on that, too. It may come as a real "shock" that I alienate people with my strong opinions. lol. I actually have a cousin I am reaching out to, more.
I wish we were closer, I'd hang out with you all the time. *hugs*
And this may seem like a dumb suggestion, but now is a pretty good time to seek out likeminded liberal people. Are there any groups in your area working on either Hillary's or Bernie's campaigns?
You need a husband that supports you and builds you up, not one that points out your flaws. Are you in therapy? If so, what does your therapist say about your H?
What your relationship reminds me of is my college boyfriend. I was very depressed in college, and he would constantly tear me down and make me feel bad about myself. Finally, I made the decision to move home and live with some girlfriends and we broke up. It was really the best decision of my life at that point. I hope you can decide to do what's best for you.
scotty, you bring up these things he says as though they are the facts, and I don't believe it to be so. What makes him the expert on YOU? Depression is treatable. It's not a life sentence which would preclude you from having children. The fact that he conflated it as such is a huge overestimation, one that places the blame squarely on you. That's awful.
I know it. Man. I am really scared right now. I am really sad, because I do think I'm kind of on the verge of maybe things actually changing. I'm afraid to be poor, I'm afraid to be alone, I'm afraid of what will my health will become post-divorce. I'm afraid I'll miss him. I did not inherit strong enough genes. lol Ugh I'll work it out. Thank you for these words. He is a bit crazy-making. The thing that is frustrating, is he is from a very close-knit little family that has his back on everything. I am pretty sure the man could hit someone with his car and they'd find flaw in the person who was hit. I just am not ready for that weight, yet.
With this stress lifted you may do better then you think there is no way the way he is treating you isn't impacting your health and emotional well being. without him chipping away and the chance to make a new beginning without this weight you may find you do amazing on your own.
I don't really know you, so it would be easy for me to say that the posts of yours about him that I've read since I've been here have rung as repeatedly unkind (him to you), and I think you're overdue to treating yourself to some change that helps guide you back to you, but I don't know how much it would mean. I think you've already realized that, though, about change being needed or are realizing it, and it's a really brave thing even if you disagree.
I'm so sorry he said that to you. It was cruel, at best, and remarkably unfair. Hugs, Scotty.
If I leave him, I don't have much, and that scares me. I am not the strongest person, with a really high income. I don't have close family. He is/was my stability in a lot of ways, that is humbling to admit, and he knows it. I'm trying to increase my abilities myself. I suppose I'm codependent. I'm working on it. I don't know what will happen. I do think he has kind of fucked with my head a bit, but I've definitely bitten back. I just feel like, now, he's just here, doing what he does best, which is be pretty disengaged. He doesn't need much emotionally, because of the AS. Whereas, me, well... idk. I kind of require more conversation. I don't think I'd make an amazing wife to anyone right now. I am working stuff out.
I wish you were close and I could hug you for reals. Also, I'm barely holding it together at my desk after reading this because it hit way, way, way close to home.
You do what you feel is best with regard to your needs for financial support, stability, etc. And I don't mean that snarkily. You're a smart woman who knows better than I what you can handle. But I will say that he's not right for you and probably won't make you happy unless you fundamentally change who you are. I'm biased, but I don't think you should do that. I think you're pretty cool. I certainly don't think you need him for any emotional support. It's kind of counterintuitive to think that someone with his condition would be the best source for that kind of thing. At best he could offer a neutral sounding board, but it sounds like he's actively tearing you down. That's a problem.
I think we're both just scared, and he's waiting for me to be the one to walk away. The last time I left a big relationship I kind of unraveled. That was years ago. Oh, man, f*ck this sh*t. Thanks for having faith in me, I genuinely appreciate that.Â
well you don't have to unravel this time. And don't concern yourself with what his reaction would be. If you leave (or stay) it should be for you and you only. This is one of those times where 100% selfishness is the only appropriate approach.
You do what you feel is best with regard to your needs for financial support, stability, etc. And I don't mean that snarkily. You're a smart woman who knows better than I what you can handle. But I will say that he's not right for you and probably won't make you happy unless you fundamentally change who you are. I'm biased, but I don't think you should do that. I think you're pretty cool. I certainly don't think you need him for any emotional support. It's kind of counterintuitive to think that someone with his condition would be the best source for that kind of thing. At best he could offer a neutral sounding board, but it sounds like he's actively tearing you down. That's a problem.
I think we're both just scared, and he's waiting for me to be the one to walk away. The last time I left a big relationship I kind of unraveled. That was years ago. Oh, man, f*ck this sh*t. Thanks for having faith in me, I genuinely appreciate that.
Girl, you have a WHOLE LOT of people that have faith in you.
I wish you were close and I could hug you for reals. Also, I'm barely holding it together at my desk after reading this because it hit way, way, way close to home.
If you want me to delete the quote I will.
No, it's okay. I'm sorry that you can relate. Don't cry. Let's just eat cheese and forget about life.
Now i might really sob. I can't afford the calories in cheese and I would kill for some right now.
I'm wondering if I went on drugs if I would still feel the way that I do about him.
Ideally, you would feel different (better) about yourself. That might not change how you feel about him, but it could give you a clearer view of your own worth and whether or not he's worth what he costs you.
Your post makes me sad. You are so amazing and bright and funny and articulate. That's the problem with depression. You can't see how wonderful you are! I wish I could give you a hug.
Post by hopecounts on Mar 10, 2016 17:37:50 GMT -5
I think step one is discussing this with a therapist and treating your depression with meds. Not to make the marriage work but so you can be clear headed and make the choice that is truly best for you without the depression interfering so much.
And really, what the hell does he know anyway? Is he a psychiatrist/obgyn/supernanny hybrid? Is he a woman or at the very least a man with very deep insight into mothers and modern parenting? No? Not even one of those things? No, sir, the ability to speak directly from your behind doesn't count for anything here. Good day.
You would be surprised what an impact removing a negative influence can have, when you've accepted that negativity as reality for so long.
What if the negativity is me, and I don't realize it? People love my H. Like, LOVE.
Ok so lets play along and say you're the negative one (for the record, I don't actually think it's you). Is it possible that some of this is because you don't have the kind of partner you need and feel stuck and lonely because of that?
You would be surprised what an impact removing a negative influence can have, when you've accepted that negativity as reality for so long.
What if the negativity is me, and I don't realize it? People love my H. Like, LOVE.
who cares? I'm a dick and very happy about it. I married someone who is also a dick and equally pleased with himself. He gets me and I get him. That's the point and all that matters. I don't trust people who everyone likes. Most people are idiots.
I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but I am so unpopular with my family. Like, if people had to pick, knowing everything about both of us, they'd pick him.
G.D., I hate admitting that. So, while, I'm realizing we still might not be a good match, I have to work on myself, because I suck, kind of, too. Really.
I'm going to be blunt here but from what you've posted about your family, they don't sound that stellar themselves. I don't think their opinions are ones you should necessarily take to heart.
Post by speckledfrog on Mar 10, 2016 17:45:17 GMT -5
I'm sure there's a big degree of self-deprication going on here and I hope you know so many people on here love you. But, in case you need to hear it, it's okay to suck. You still deserve to be happy, whatever that means to you.
ETA: I'm not saying that I think you suck, but I know that's sometimes when I'm feeling (rightfully) down on myself it can be unhelpful to hear people building me up. You are who you are. Change what you want to change, own the rest of it. You deserve happiness.
Everyone loves my H. That's also a problem. lol. They typically like him more than they like me. He appears very easy-going, and normal.
mofongo, IDK where he's coming from, honestly. I appreciate the compliment. <3 Context, was me lamenting missing out on a period where I could have had kids, but we were stuck in TN.
You are smart. You are strong. You are loved. You deserve to be happy. Depression & diagnosis aside, I think it would be nearly impossible to be happy when someone says those things to you...and ESPECIALLY when they are not willing to actually do anything about it.
I have a real heart for people with Aspbergers who have social issues. It was a big focus in my career for awhile. BUT it's possible to improve...and to learn how not to continuously hurt people's feelings. He just has to want to address it. Even if he may never understand WHY it hurts (Theory of Mind), it's possible to know that XYZ is bad, and not something you should say to someone else. If he's not willing to put the work into not saying such hurtful things, then he is making the choice for you.
Is a trial separation an option for you? You can take some time to focus on yourself, and he can decide if he is willing to do the same. I think you'll find that you feel MUCH better if someone isn't constantly tearing you down.
And you'll never be alone...you'll always have us as your biggest cheerleaders, shoulder to cry on, and reality check (if needed).
You would be surprised what an impact removing a negative influence can have, when you've accepted that negativity as reality for so long.
What if the negativity is me, and I don't realize it? People love my H. Like, LOVE.
Why does this matter? People can love your H, that's great. They're not married to him. They don't live with him. Them liking him has nothing to do with your shared life together.
I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but I am so unpopular with my family. Like, if people had to pick, knowing everything about both of us, they'd pick him.
That's almost worse because clearly he is able to play nice when it benefits him in a black and white way (wanting his ILs to like him)
And no one here can claim to be perfect, there is nothing wrong with being an imperfect human being if you are trying your best.
I will also say that my brother has AS (I have black friends?) and is loved by all. So I get it and don't want to come across as insensitive. But he's also genuinely kind, and was given the tools to deal with his being on the spectrum from a young age. I'm sorry that your H didn't get that benefit as well. I truly am.
You've given us a very specific example of how his negative attitude toward you has sabotaged your self image, and planted a seed of doubt retroactive to your entire marriage. Plus you are a delight.
Does he build you up, as a person? Just as an outsider it seems like he subtly (or sometimes not subtly) chips away at you and how you look at yourself.
He chips at me a lot, especially since knowing that I am not happy.
Your comment that he knows that you need him more than he needs you combined with this sentence is emotional abuse. I know we all throw that word around a lot here, but he's needling at you and your vulnerability and that is, at best, exceptionally cruel. Edit: Not to say that people aren't right. I'm not a mental health professional at all, but when people say emotionally abusive on here, it almost always seems to an accurate assessment from an outsider's perspective.
Giant hugs, scotty. I know you don't know me, but I think you're hilarious and lovely.
Scotty, I haven't met you in person, but I am fairly certain you don't suck. I haven't had a life-long struggle with depression, but I was in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for years, and during that time, I would think the same things about myself. I would think to myself "I'm not being negative, it's not low self-esteem... I'm just being realistic. Everyone has good points and bad points, and I just know what my bad points are." But you know what... now that I'm out of it, all of those things I was thinking about myself are not true. Or at least, they don't have to be true. Our moods, our abilities, and even our personalities are not static. Just because you may be feeling you have certain weaknesses right now does not mean that if you were in a different atmosphere, a different situation, or had better support things wouldn't be different for you.
While I was with my ex, I used to think I had a shit memory, and that I was super awkward and always said the wrong things. And I really did forget a lot of things and get flustered and awkward in conversations. I decided to just accept that that's who I am. But now, away from him, I actually think that I have pretty good memory, and my awkwardness isn't any worse than anyone else around me. And I'm actually a damn good parallel parker, which I never would have expected. Being in a situation that engenders confidence in yourself can change so many things.
I will also say that my brother has AS (I have black friends?) and is loved by all. So I get it and don't want to come across as insensitive. But he's also genuinely kind, and was given the tools to deal with his being on the spectrum from a young age. I'm sorry that your H didn't get that benefit as well. I truly am.
:nods: DD is learning these skills. She may not do it naturally or because she emotionally gets why she should do it but she is learning to respond to other people's feelings in appropriate ways. For example last night at a family dinner her slightly older cousin who she loves knocked over her drink and was embarrassed DD gave her a hug and said 'its ok things happen' because she has learned when someone is upset you try to make them feel better.