Mom fail again this morning - need help

[njw]

Have you dealt with anxiety before? My anxiety manifests as anger and that sounds exactly how I used to be before I went to therapy and started on meds. Talk to your doctor and tell your husband you need more help.

Also, they are little. It gets better.

[TR]

Not a mom so this might be a "whoa, that's not safe asshole" suggestion, but is it possible to keep them separated in the mornings? Like, they play in their rooms? Or one is with you and one is in her room and alternate which is which each day? I don't know how old kids need to be before you don't need to have eyes on them all the time.

[circa1978]

Not being able to easily pick up Henry and just haul him where I needed him to be was one of my biggest WTF, how am I supposed to parent now moments. I can not imagine doing it with two.

My mom doesn't curse but she yelled and she took things away and she sometimes was at the end of her rope. My dad did once throw one of my toys out the window and my MIL once got so fed up at my H and SIL (15 months apart) bickering on the way home from church that she made them get out of the car and walk home in the snow.  :?  This is now a treasured family story. Apparently, MIL stormed in the house and walked directly to the bathroom, where she stayed for like an hour. The kids came trudging in about 15 minutes later all "It's your fault mom lost it. NO, it's your fault." Hang in there. 

[thebuddhagouda]

I find the key for getting both kids out the door is doing as much as is humanly possible the night before. The backpack is packed. The lunches/bottles are made and in bags in the fridge. I lay out their clothes the night before. If I'm going to be completely on my own, I'll even lay out the bowls and spoons I need for breakfast. Stuff like that really helps when the kids are not cooperating in the morning. Maybe let them pick the toy they want to take the night before and already have it in the car. 

Also, see if you can take some of the bags to the car while your H is still there to referee.

[lilac05]

I'm sorry you had a rough morning.

Do you have enough time to get ready in the morning? Could even an extra 5 minutes give you a chance to catch your breath before they wake up?

J is at the age where a visual schedule of your morning routine might help. You could put stars by each step that was completed without a battle (or the full morning). Reward yourself, too, for good mornings!

Parenting is hard. And kids learn just what buttons to push. Big hugs, @tambcat!

[njw]

Apr 11, 2016 9:29:20 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Apr 11, 2016 9:27:29 GMT -5 njw said:

Have you dealt with anxiety before? My anxiety manifests as anger and that sounds exactly how I used to be before I went to therapy and started on meds. Talk to your doctor and tell your husband you need more help.

Also, they are little. It gets better.

Yes I have anxiety. I'm on a really low dose of antidepressants. If I increase my dose then I start feeling too flat, can't cry, etc. And I'm still kind of an asshole. 

Try a different med.  I had to try 3 before I found one.

Zoloft was great, but killed my sex drive made me gain weight
Lexapro did nothing
Wellburtrin seems to do it for me.  No nasty side effects and I'm able to control the outbursts.

[njw]

Apr 11, 2016 9:32:46 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

H really does a lot around the house and with the kids, so I don't want to make it sound like everything is always on me. But the mornings are mostly on me. At least until the fall - then H will start doing Joanna drop-off. I plan to just lay her clothes out the night before and then he can deal with it in the mornings. Evenings are a pretty good 50/50 split between us.

I'm also the one who takes care of finances, doctor's appointments, vet stuff for bailey, and all of that. So of course that adds to my stress.

You need to talk to him.  I held guilt b/c of this too, but the truth is he can do more. And he should step up if you are struggling.  Otherwise resentment will build.

[clairedunphy]

Don't worry, I've had many moments (more than I am proud of) that are exactly as you described. I've yelled and cursed in my kids direction. I hate it too, but they never listen to me. I can ask them politely 10 times to do something, or stop doing something, and until I yell, no one does a thing I say.
I am trying to be more patient. My mom did lose her patience and yell and curse at us growing up. I hold no hard feelings towards her for it, we have always joked we are just a family of yellers. If someone not's yelling at someone else, something must be wrong.

[candreco]

Mornings are stressful if you're on a schedule, more so if you're trying to get everyone corralled on your own. I dread the mornings DH is OOT.

To cope, DH and I get up early enough that we're completely ready to go before we get kids up, and do as much prep the night before as possible- clothes laid out, pack lunches, set up the coffee maker, load stuff into the car, backpacks/work bags/after school stuff packed. Whatever we can to eliminate tasks in the morning.

ETA:  Why can't your H do pick up?  It does seem a little nuts that you're being squeezed schedule-wise at both ends.

[revolution]

What are you packing up?

I pack as much as I can the night before, and the morning while the kids are eating, I put it all on the kitchen counter. DH is also taking a shower/getting ready while I feed the kids and get stuff gathered for the day. But I put 2 separate piles out - one for his car, one for my car and when he comes down and is ready he loads up both cars. Can you and your H work on something like that?

Can you give each girl their own special job in the morning? J can feed Bailey? E can pick up trash? something to keep them from fighting while you get 30 seconds to just do what needs to be done? they don't have to be real or productive jobs. push in the chairs? gather the toys you are taking to grandmas. pick out your snack to take to grandmas.

[snshne322]

Your morning sounds similar to mine. DH and I have done what PP suggested. When DH leaves, all bags but my purse are in my car and DS has his shoes on and sometimes coat depending on the time between him leaving and DS and I. It's made a real difference that I don't have to chase around DS to put his shoes on or wrangle all the gear along with a 3 year old. There is a battle of wills sometimes still, but it's much more manageable when I don't have to do the other things on top of it.

[ssmjlm]

Oh I've been there and I only have 1, hugs.

I would lay clothes out the night before and have your DH get them dressed before they come out of their rooms.

And I've totally left her in the family room screaming while I load up the car b/c well tough shit.

Would J benefit from a getting ready chart? So she knows the steps she had to do each morning?

[smock]

Can you and your H alternate who does the 9am drop-off and who leaves at 8:30am?

Can you alternate with your sister who gets the "early" drop-off time with your mom and who gets the later time?

[ijack]

Apr 11, 2016 9:29:20 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Apr 11, 2016 9:27:29 GMT -5 njw said:

Have you dealt with anxiety before? My anxiety manifests as anger and that sounds exactly how I used to be before I went to therapy and started on meds. Talk to your doctor and tell your husband you need more help.

Also, they are little. It gets better.

Yes I have anxiety. I'm on a really low dose of antidepressants. If I increase my dose then I start feeling too flat, can't cry, etc. And I'm still kind of an asshole. 

Have you tried a different medication? One that maybe helps more with anxiety?
I get it, I really do. there are sometimes that no matter how hard I try I just explode, but it's definitely not normal to be feeling that way every morning.
What would it be like if you just let them bicker and didn't intervene? Would it be worse for you?

[revolution]

Apr 11, 2016 9:40:32 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

 Feeling rushed all the time is definitely a big part of my stress, but it's hard to find a way around it.

Do you drink coffee? or get up before everyone else? I get up half an hour before I need to so I can sit down and drink a cup of coffee, wake up and watch some TV all by myself. I think that makes me feel not as stressed in the mornings. Plus - I have caffeine in me when I have to deal with the kids.

[jeaniebueller]

I know you live in a hot climate, but can you load up the girls in the car, turn on the car and then go back in the house to gather up the bags to load in the car? I often do that with my kids so that they are both contained and its just easier for me to make sure that I have everything when they aren't running around underfoot.

Also, I totally hear you about the timing issue. On days when I have to handle both kdis alone, I don't get DD out of bed until the last second, otherwise she and DS are just annoying each other the whole time.

[thebuddhagouda]

Apr 11, 2016 9:43:15 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

ALso getting up earlier or getting more stuff ready at night means less downtime after the kids are in bed. And I need that time too. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

It doesn't take nearly as long to do it at night without the kids in the way though. I just buckle down and get it all done the second they go to bed. It usually takes me less than ten minutes and makes my morning way easier. 

Also, would it be possible for your H to take one morning a week to do drop off and give you a chance to take a lunch that day. A small break would probably go a long way. 

[miniroller]

Non-mom who wanted to add to not feel like crap about this, Tamb. Absolutely work on a solution to prevent similar future incidents (which is obviously what this thread is doing), but wanted to make sure you know you aren't ruining your sweet little girls with these outbursts they're too young to recall.

That said, I do agree with @licia that tonight you should apologize for losing your temper. Further, explain why it happened & what you guys, as a team, need to work on to prevent future, similar outbursts.
This is, of course, after you have somewhat of a plan thought out on here/ with your H, but making them feel like part of the solution might make a big difference. (Ack I can't remember who's oldest- think it's E..?)
J might be too young to get excited re: the "apply it" part of the family mtg. But the oldest will almost definitely be excited in "helping form a solution" that will result in happier, calmer mornings! And then the younger will almost definitely model her sister's excitement for this morning routine that "they" had a hand in helping create.
*I've tried to gather as many tips from my mom friends, sorry if this seems hardly applicable

[Deleted]

I hate mornings. They stink.

[candreco]

Apr 11, 2016 9:43:15 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

ALso getting up earlier or getting more stuff ready at night means less downtime after the kids are in bed. And I need that time too. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

I get that, but taking half an hour in the evening to prep is a huge stress reliever.  I relax better without the to-do list running in my head, and mornings are so much better when I don't wake up already feeling stressed about getting everything done and everyone out the door.  Something has to give, and I'd start looking more at the quality of the time available than the quantity.  And yes, tell your H you need more help in the morning.  Like it would take him two minutes max to put the bags in the car on his way out and make getting out the door with the girls easier for you.

And I seriously doubt that any parent feels like there are enough hours in the day.

[Maya]

Most of my mornings are exactly like yours, in fact today was one of those days...I even forgot to give DD her ADHD meds so she's probably bouncing off the walls at school.

Alas, what I have found that helps is to stagger wake-up times. I wake my DS up first, get him started on breakfast, start getting myself ready, and when he's finished and getting dressed I wake DD up, get her started on breakfast. Now this doesn't always work out (it didn't this morning), but it does seem to help most days.

And definitely get your H to help more. There is more he can be doing, like waking up 15 mins before you and getting the groceries together for your mom and loading everything into your car before he leaves. Don't worry about any cold things, they'll be fine for ~30 mins or so in your car as long as it isn't 100+ degrees in it. On Sunday's plan out your girls outfits for the week and have your H lay them out the night before. There are ways to make this work.

Don't beat yourself up too much, it will eventually get better as they get older and more independent. You are a good mom, f-bombs and all.

[meli554]

I definitely have days like this. I've gone back and apologized to my kids. I think it says a lot to admit (and for them to see) we make mistakes too. I'd say something like, "Hey J and E, I wanted to talk you guys about the way I acted this morning. I'm really sorry that I got angry and yelled. I was feeling overwhelmed and I should have walked away and taken a deep breath instead. I'll try hard to do that instead of yelling next time I'm feeling that way."

As far as making things easier - try to get as much done the night before as you can. I know you want your downtime, but even if you take 10-15 minutes to lay out clothes, pack a lunch, etc. it will really help.

[erbear]

Your girls are at the absolute hardest time. It gets better.

That said, I do nothing in the morning. I make lunches the night before. I get up early, eat breakfast alone, then pack up the bags and the car and put out their breakfasts before I get the girls up. I help them get dressed then send them in to brush teeth while I finish getting ready. DH helps them if they need help (they are older - 5 and 7, so they usually just need someone to hurry them along). Then I give one step instructions ("brush your teeth." "go put on jackets".)

That said, we are still rushing every single morning but I really really try not to yell because it just makes it worse for everyone. I'm not always successful but the act of paying attention to not yelling helps me.

[revolution]

Apr 11, 2016 9:54:56 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

More and more I feel like the two working parents thing just doesn't work. Unfortunately, it's a necessary reality for us and a lot of people. We need a third spouse to SAH. lol

lol.  I ask for a sister wife all the time and DH shoots me down.  He claims he wouldn't be able to handle 2 wives.

[thebuddhagouda]

Apr 11, 2016 9:53:31 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

He would put the bags in the car for sure but I can't put the cold stuff out there until right before we leave.

He could put everything else in the car OR get a cooler bag with a freezer pack and load up the cold stuff for him as well. 30 minutes in a cooler won't cause any issues. 

[Deleted]

Can you drop off the food over the weekend when you see your mom?

[Dezi]

My anxiety tends to manifest into this sort of behaviour. My trigger is when the playroom is a mess and it's always right as we're supposed to be leaving the house. I go in there and just lose my shit and throw every out of place toy into the middle of the room. The kids cry and beg me not to do "my thing". I have also dropped the f bomb and other inappropriate words.I feel like shit afterwards and apologize but I'm still sure it's the one thing they'll remember about me as they grow up. Like you I also found like meds gave me the inability to feel anything. I don't really have any advice but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Also, as my DD's get older they are much better as working as a team with me and each other to get things done.

[puddleofgrace]

I wish I could help (see morning randoms). I'm the one always stressed out, especially in the mornings and end up losing my shit or doing the heavy sighs, eye rolling, etc. Truth is, I'm burnt the fuck out in every aspect of my life.
When I really lose my shit, I do stop and apologize to them and explain that mommy is just tired, stressed, etc and I shouldn't have yelled like that.

Your girls at at a hard age, too. The constant bickering and fighting over shit sends me up the wall, too.

I wish I had some magical words of wisdom. All I have are hugs and wine. Lots and lots of wine.

[circa1978]

Apr 11, 2016 9:58:41 GMT -5 revolution said:

Apr 11, 2016 9:54:56 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

More and more I feel like the two working parents thing just doesn't work. Unfortunately, it's a necessary reality for us and a lot of people. We need a third spouse to SAH. lol

lol.  I ask for a sister wife all the time and DH shoots me down.  He claims he wouldn't be able to handle 2 wives.

I ask for a brother husband. A handy one who likes landscaping. 

[usm]

Apr 11, 2016 9:53:31 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

He would put the bags in the car for sure but I can't put the cold stuff out there until right before we leave.

Could you get one of those hot/cold bags to pack cold stuff and he could do that too? How far does your mom live? Could you or H drop groceries off another day?