Post by usuallylurking on Apr 11, 2016 10:02:44 GMT -5
I do mornings solo every morning, so I feel you. Honestly, the mornings where we're rushed to get everything done and out the door on time usually has less fighting, because there isn't time to fight. Lol. Helpful, I know, but just something I've noticed.
I've definitely had outbursts like you. Not something I'm proud of, and I also apologize to the kids when it happens. DS1 is like J, acknowledging his part in the matter and saying what he could have done differently. I usually tell him thank you but Mom still shouldn't act like that. Then we move on.
We have 3 dogs. They're one of the first things I deal with. Can Bailey go in his kennel any earlier, so it's not added to the out-the-door rush and mayhem? I know it might be an extra 20 minutes in the kennel, but really he'll be ok, you still love him all the same, and it might help to not have one more thing added to the push to get out the door.
I'd take your stuff to the car first. If E is upset, have her come with and you can load her up then, then go back inside for J. Maybe this would be a nice staggered start anyways? J can put on her shoes while you go and get E settled? Have J do one last thing that can kind of be her chore- make sure the lights are out? The tv is off? Whatever, and you can thank her for her help this morning, she's such a big girl, etc.
I was just saying to my husband yesterday, "I shouldn't have become a parent should I? I mean really, it's not normal is it? my rage sometimes?" he thinks I am too hard on myself but I do wonder if I am over the top sometimes. I mean, it's like a few brief moments in a day when I snap and yell (sometimes I'd call it actually screaming not yelling) but it seems like those moments are the ones that stick with you and overshadow your memories of the day even if it was a mostly nice day
Matilda has been waking really early and coming into our bed and kicking me, jumping on me etc. I don't want to get up at 6am on sunday. So yesterday after her jumping on me for a while, then she starts yelling really loud I want to go downstairs!!! and I knew she'd wake her brother so I got really angry and I said "SHUT UP just SHUT UP" and then later I felt so guilty because I was really angry with her in that moment. But it's not her fault, she's just a little kid.
It just seems like all my sleep and all my free time outside work is now taken over by children and their needs.
ugh. I hear you. I hope you can forgive yourself. Also get your H to help more in the morning. Mine does have them every morning and I feel bad for him. I really don't think I could handle it alone every day. If your H can help you should try to come up with a plan just to take some of the burden from you.
I already do put clothes away in outfit form! It took me forever to figure out that easy solution. Getting their clothes is the least of my worries. They both still need help getting dressed though. Sometimes I tell Joanna to undress herself, and she does fine on the pants but for the shirt she's like "uggh I can't do it!!" as she flails around. lol
Thank you for all of the tips and commiseration. I feel like J already knows what I'm *really* like but E still thinks I am her perfect Mommy. I just want to do better with her - like my do-over. That's probably fucked up.
To the bolded: When mine were younger I played the "let's get dressed super fast game!" I would literally throw them into their clothes and button/zip them up super quickly, all while yanking them around in a funny way while making funny faces and noises. They got a kick out of it and I got some necessary comic relief on hectic mornings.
I already do put clothes away in outfit form! It took me forever to figure out that easy solution. Getting their clothes is the least of my worries. They both still need help getting dressed though. Sometimes I tell Joanna to undress herself, and she does fine on the pants but for the shirt she's like "uggh I can't do it!!" as she flails around. lol
Thank you for all of the tips and commiseration. I feel like J already knows what I'm *really* like but E still thinks I am her perfect Mommy. I just want to do better with her - like my do-over. That's probably fucked up.
I'm pretty sure they both think you are perfect. You are their mommy, after all.
I also hate that my H gets to be the fun guy who they can't wait to see in the evenings. When it was just Joanna, I was okay with her being a "daddy's girl" because I had a special relationship with my dad, and I was happy for her to have that. But I feel like my role in their lives is just herding them around and being a hard ass. They behave so much better for him too, even when he has them on the weekends. As soon as I come in it's like a switch flips and they start needing 1000 things and become completely unable to play nicely.
OMFG, what is that!?! Mine do the same thing. I was gone for a few hours on Saturday and came home and within 5 minutes were acting up. Of course H loves to point that out as well. Huh, they were great all day for me.
I also hate that my H gets to be the fun guy who they can't wait to see in the evenings. When it was just Joanna, I was okay with her being a "daddy's girl" because I had a special relationship with my dad, and I was happy for her to have that. But I feel like my role in their lives is just herding them around and being a hard ass. They behave so much better for him too, even when he has them on the weekends. As soon as I come in it's like a switch flips and they start needing 1000 things and become completely unable to play nicely.
Yeppppp. My H is gone for weeks for work, I'm left here solo-ing the kids. We still have fun, but it is nothing compared to the fun when my H is home, and they have to help out more because I don't have an extra set of adult hands. Plus they act better for him, so he can do more with them. So, I feel ya there.
Oh, and, I don't take them to the zoo (2.5 hour car ride) or to the beach/camping (aka vacation) without H here. So they associate all of that kind of fun with when H is home. So dad is totally king. Oh well. Someday they'll get it?
Ugh. I'm sorry. I've been there. Hell, we are there, but swap Lego men for MLP. I yell and I swear... but fortunately, our master is on the first floor, so I usually go in our room and scream into a pillow. I do get really bent out of shape in the mornings and what I continue to repeat-- and DS1, now almost 6, is starting to understand-- that their WANTS do not get to interfere with my NEEDS. I need to be at work on time, period. You've gotten some great, practical advice in this thread. I certainly don't know how to do it any better.
I'm sorry. I've been there too. Too often, actually. What helps me is having the boys pick out their toys the night before. They always want to bring something with them, but if they wait until we're ready to go, it's WWIII b/c they can't decide, or they can't what they want, or their brother wants it, or or or or. If that doesn't happen, I'm putting one crying kid on the bus while strapping a screaming/kicking kid into the car for daycare, half in their snow gear.
Mornings are so hard. It does get easier. And then I imagine it gets harder again when they're teenagers and won't get out of bed. {{hugs}}
They do tend to behave for H when I'm out of house on weekends or whatever and then act terribly when I return. However, he does mornings alone most of the time (I leave then he gets them ready and drops off) and I know they do not behave so well in the morning. Matilda especially, her behavior is just so trying in general and William is still relatively happy go lucky.
I know he has days where he loses his cool and he tells me about them which I appreciate. It makes me realize that even a calm person like my H can snap in the face of almost-4-year-olds relentless defiance.
I'm not a mom, so I can't offer anything other than hugs.
But I did want to note that you expressed here that you think that J and your H think you are not a good mother and you are afraid that E will think that before too long. That really sounds like anxiety speaking. I've struggled with anxiety, too. When my anxiety is really getting to me, I feel like my boss and all my coworkers think I'm awful at my job, and then I feel exhausted and frustrated and get performance anxiety, and then I really do mess up at my job. So that seems to confirm what my anxiety was telling me. It's a vicious cycle. Just another hug, and maybe go back to your doctor or therapist and try to work on the anxiety more. When you feel better, things turn out better.
I already do put clothes away in outfit form! It took me forever to figure out that easy solution. Getting their clothes is the least of my worries. They both still need help getting dressed though. Sometimes I tell Joanna to undress herself, and she does fine on the pants but for the shirt she's like "uggh I can't do it!!" as she flails around. lol
Thank you for all of the tips and commiseration. I feel like J already knows what I'm *really* like but E still thinks I am her perfect Mommy. I just want to do better with her - like my do-over. That's probably fucked up.
You've posted about this before, and you need to let that go. Pretending to be some perfect ideal mom for as long as possible is just fucking draining. The real you? She's a great and loving mother that would do anything for her kids, tons of fun stuff, and also yells. You're well rounded, and that's ok. You aren't perfect, nor will you ever be. But! You are fantastic and very loved by your girls, faults and all.
I will tell you that mornings suck. I've made some things easier, but even if things are.perfectly planned, inevitably someone has to poop when we are already way late. I won't throw a ton of things at you that you should do instead. I will say that one time saver for me, and it's very random, is to do my makeup at work. I just take it and go. The kids waiting around for me amplifies things, and I'm not sure why, nor do I care. I just try to avoid it. Lol.
Post by fivechickens on Apr 11, 2016 10:30:56 GMT -5
I don't have anxiety and I have reacted that way more than once. The other day when I made them clean up I said, after 20 minutes of 'what toys mom we don't see the 50 toys laying on floor' rIdiculousness, 'SEE THIS????THIS SHIT NEEDS TO PICKED UP RIGHT GODDAMN NOW OR I WILL CLEAN UP AND YOU WON'T LIKE WHAT I DO'
Getting them ready for school is not fun.
I think most parents lose their cool with their kids and will more than once throughout their childhood. You have to have patience of steal to parent calmly and I do not.
:-( I get you on the yelling big time. I knew I had to rein it in when DS pointed the one time I *didn't* yell. Whoops! The only thing that helped me harness my mom rage (which still sneaks out), was 1. just accepting and expecting that they're going to piss each other off, steal toys, be sassy, not listen, etc. Managing expectations helps a lot, I remind myself that it takes a lot of tries to learn to make good choices, care about others, and are inherently selfish. 2. I try to manage for myself the balance of what I care about, and what actually matters/makes a difference. Do I care about them eating healthy dinners with balanced nutrition? Of course, but kids don't give a fuuuuck, so I need to accept that a pbj or hot dog will just have to make do. Do I care about them doing as I asked the 1st gd time in my mary poppins voice? Of course, but again, no fucks given, so I try to accept that perfect obedience doesn't actually matter at this age, it takes practice, and they'll get better over time.
And I absolutely swear at my kids in anger (not intentionally lol). They know if mommy says a grown up word (our label) and yells, that I mean business. I do flip my shit over stupid things like toys, and I try to apologize, which I think is as big of a deal as anything else. You are showing that you care about their feelings, that we make mistakes, we apologize, and move on. Don't dwell on it, it won't make anything better for now or later for you or them. For my kids, I wouldn't take away their nighttime books, morning/afternoon shenanigans are too far away and they're too young to understand the consequences for that. It only works for my kids if punishment/consequences are immediate. Don't look at E as a do-over. They are simply at different stages and have different wants and needs. Your babies are well loved and cared for, and it's evident in that you want to do the best you can.
Post by ginandjucie24 on Apr 11, 2016 10:46:10 GMT -5
Tamb you are a good mom.
Everyone has yelled and cussed at their kids at least once or twice and the kids are fine. If you did it all day everyday then that would make you a shit mom.
My H is very hands on with our ds and helps around the house a lot, but I feel all the tedious stuff falls on me Making sure we have everything we need for an outing, all the little details of daily life.
Is it just groceries or are you preparing lunches for them? Because if you're just taking bags of supplies over, I'd sort that in the back of the van before we even left the store and drop it at your mom's on your way home.
I'm pretty sure my H thinks I'm a terrible parent too. He's smart enough not to say anything after that one time when E was a newborn and I was home with both of them all day, and he told me that Joanna was just going to remember me screaming and yelling all the time. LIke he even had any idea what I did with them all day.
My H once told me that I was probably going to be the kind of mom who yells all the time. ^o) Yeah, because I am the one who is actually dealing with the kids while he does who knows what.
I'm sorry I feel like I'm the WORST mom between 6 7:30 and 8 AM every day. I hate dropping then off at school right after I've yelled, but WHY CANT YOU GET YOUR SHOES ON INSTEAD OF RUNBING AROUND WITH NERF GUNS!!!!!!!!
Anyway I know you said you don't necessarily want to get up earlier/do more the night before, but that's really what worked for me. I REALLY didn't want to get up early because I'm freaking tired and I like sleep, but I find that once I'm up I actually really enjoy my time in the morning. It's quiet, I listen to some podcasts and drink coffee in peace while J get dressed and pack lunches and my stuff. I usually have 10-15 minutes to sit on my ass and watch the news in peace. Then when the kids get up I'm done with my stuff and don't stress as much.
Post by textbookcase on Apr 11, 2016 10:51:44 GMT -5
You're a great mom. I lose my shit on the regular, of course it's not ideal but it happens occasionally. I get frustrated that H is the fun guy who plays with them and gets them all riled up when he gets home. He works so much they see him for 2-3 hours per day from when he gets home to when he goes to bed, while I'm here all day making them do school work and chores and enforcing rules. It's a hard balance. I am sure the crazy morning rush to get everyone out the door makes it even more difficult. Hugs, lady.
My kids are younger, but so far here's what we do that help- H leaves way before I do:
Prepare lunch the day before (we cook a large amount of whatever on Sunday and I just eat the same thing for lunch every day, doesn't bother me). I put them in individual tupperware for the next 3ish days.
On Sunday, lay out the kids' and my clothes for the entire week.
H and I wake up at the same time and he quickly gets DS all dressed while I handle DD. Then I feed DD while DS is on his iPad until it's time to go. I just put on shoes on DS when we leave, sometimes H has him in his shoes already.
H puts my stuff in the car, including cold food, my work bags. He grabs my lunch too.
Leave coats/jackets in the car (I figured kids can't really wear coats in their car seats anyway).
Leave toys in the car- the kids do not bring anything with them in the car.
I also hate that my H gets to be the fun guy who they can't wait to see in the evenings. When it was just Joanna, I was okay with her being a "daddy's girl" because I had a special relationship with my dad, and I was happy for her to have that. But I feel like my role in their lives is just herding them around and being a hard ass. They behave so much better for him too, even when he has them on the weekends. As soon as I come in it's like a switch flips and they start needing 1000 things and become completely unable to play nicely.
This x 1000000. I came home the other day after going to a baby shower, so my kids were home alone with H. When I walked in, all was silent, kids were playing nicely, H was watching TV. Within 10 seconds of walking in the door, suddenly everyone was hungry, thirsty, needed to poop, fighting over toys, etc. They were all just asking ME for snacks, drinks, etc. I asked "What happened while I was gone?" and H just looked at me stupidly and said "they were all fine until you walked in."
Don't beat yourself up too much over this. These things happen. It's rare to find a parent out there that hasn't had at least one of these moments.
I am going to ditto everyone else that said to apologize. That's what I do. I get down on their level, hug them, and tell them I was wrong to yell the way I did. I tell them that was not the appropriate reaction to the situation and I am very sorry. I make sure they know I will work harder to prevent it from happening in the future. Then I explain why I was frustrated in the moment and give them some tips to help the situation. You could tell Joanna that you know it is frustrating with E grabs her MLP and that she can ask you for help in getting it back instead of grabbing at E. I have done that a lot with my DS who is the oldest. Most of the time he will now patiently wait for me to intervene and diffuse the situation.
Oh, and if the root of the problem is feeling rushed to get out the door then I'll tell you what helped me. I had to time everything and give the kids the time they need. As much as I would like them to take the 2 minutes it requires to get their shoes on, I had to accept that they weren't going to do that. If it took them an average of 10 minutes to get their shoes on, then I had to start that process 10 minutes before we needed to be out the door.
I still do that now and they are 7 and 9. My mornings are super smooth now that I know I have to get up at 5:45, start cooking breakfast at 6:35, the kids have to start the process of putting their shoes and coats and backpacks on at 7:24 with the goal of being out the door at 7:30. If I follow that timeline we never feel rushed.
ALso getting up earlier or getting more stuff ready at night means less downtime after the kids are in bed. And I need that time too. There just aren't enough hours in the day.
I'm going to make another vote for getting as much done/packed/loaded up the night before if you can.
Doing these things then doesn't actually mean "less" downtime, because these things take the amount of time they take whether you do them the night before, the morning of, or any other time in between. 30 minutes after bedtime to load up bags, pack lunches, etc., may save you a lot of sanity the next morning.
And no, you are not a perfect parent. None of us are perfect parents. But I promise you that you are the perfect parent for those girls.
I also hate that my H gets to be the fun guy who they can't wait to see in the evenings. When it was just Joanna, I was okay with her being a "daddy's girl" because I had a special relationship with my dad, and I was happy for her to have that. But I feel like my role in their lives is just herding them around and being a hard ass. They behave so much better for him too, even when he has them on the weekends. As soon as I come in it's like a switch flips and they start needing 1000 things and become completely unable to play nicely.
OMFG, what is that!?! Mine do the same thing. I was gone for a few hours on Saturday and came home and within 5 minutes were acting up. Of course H loves to point that out as well. Huh, they were great all day for me.
I just said this the other day, but this is what happens in our house too, especially when my girls were younger and now with J. It's so frustrating! At least now H can see the difference and understands why I don't manage to be as productive as he is when he's home with the kids.
Tamb, I have had so many moments like this that I'd be horrified if I ever tried to keep count. I always apologize almost immediately but can't seem to stop myself in the moment. The bad news is that the sibling fighting doesn't end as they get older (though in most other ways they are much easier than when they were younger!), but the good news is that my girls don't seem to hold it against me. The good still outweighs the bad in their eyes. They really do think I'm the World's Best Mom.
I remember my parents yelling (and even spanking) but don't remember it happening as much as it does in my house, but maybe that means that I just remember more of the good stuff too. I should ask my mom.
I talked to my OB about my outbursts last fall, and he brushed it off as normal mom-of-young-children behavior. I've talked with my sister and SIL (who each have a preschooler and a toddler) about it and know they also have the same angry reactions and resulting guilt, and I know we all like to commiserate about it here too. But posts like njw's make me wonder if I really do need help. Ugh.
In any case, big hugs. I am sure you'll always be the World's Best Mom to your girls too.
I talked to my OB about my outbursts last fall, and he brushed it off as normal mom-of-young-children behavior.
I talked about it a little bit with my OB too and mentioned that I find this whole gentle parenting thing really unnatural. His only input was a quick comment that he isn't sure he buys into "all that," which I took to mean they spank their kids. lol. I have to admit, I wonder whether it would help. Like, would that be the thing that got through to Joanna? Because she views everything I tell her to do/not do as totally optional.
There are some great techniques from gentle parenting but it is not always the best fit for my spirited daughter. I find that the info and methods I got from the books Magic 123 and Setting Limits with your strong-willed child are so much more useful.
Post by sandyapples on Apr 11, 2016 11:40:58 GMT -5
I get it. Leaving the house in the morning is the hardest part of the day for me, and I SAH. DH leaves for work before we get up. I have had many mornings where I wasn't proud of my behaviour. We aren't even rushed in the morning, except for the 5 minutes that I'm trying to get the kids to put their coats on. Just this morning they were arguing over who got to take one specific beanie boo to school. DD2 had it first, but it was DD1's toy. You know what? Idgaf about it any more and I took it away from both of them. Too bad so sad. In the past I would probably have blown my top, but after a conscious effort to try to stay calm in the morning, I have been able to not let it get to me as much. Here is your consequence, let's move on with our lives. I have also found that giving consequences that don't take effect until after school do not work. Especially for DD2. If I can't give an immediate consequence I don't even bother. I'm just punishing myself.
It will get better when they get older. Mine are 3.5 and 5.5 now. DD1 doesn't like to do anything for herself. I used to cater to her and I realize now I shouldn't have let it go on for so long. DD2 is much more independent. She ususally gets dressed before her sister in the morning. At the beginning of this year I told DD1 that I would not help her get dressed anymore. She is 5 years old and she can do it herself. There were a lot of tears but now my morning is much less dramatic. (She is a mega drama queen.) I help her pick out her clothes if she wants, and then I go downstairs. She can come down when she is dressed. I try to just set expectations and assume they will listen. It doesn't always work and I still get pissed and yell a lot, but at least it isn't every morning now.
I'm not sure if this was mentioned, but can you talk to your mom about taking the girls earlier? I know you said she doesn't like having them and your niece arrive at the same time but if you let her know how stressful your mornings are maybe she will change her mind.
So I didn't read all the PPs, and I see this thread is already 4 pages deep with advice, but I figured what's one more.
I definitely hear you on how tough mornings can be. Our house is a lot like yours in the morning. DH helps but he leaves almost an hour before the rest of us.
Anyway, I don't know if you read the book "1,2,3 Magic" yet, but I loved it. I know you aren't necessarily asking for discipline advice, but let me say that book totally helped me put my own parenting into perspective. I found myself feeling much more calm and in control in the face of kid chaos.
One of the things I try to repeat to myself is that I should ACT, not REACT to their behavior. More easily said than done some of the time, but it seems to really help me "flip my lid" less often. (DD1 knows to knock it off if mom is going to "flip her lid" soon, it's become one of our phrases.)
There are some great techniques from gentle parenting but it is not always the best fit for my spirited daughter. I find that the info and methods I got from the books Magic 123 and Setting Limits with your strong-willed child are so much more useful.
Oh I didn't know there was an actual method. I just meant not yelling or spanking. Like being the perfect, calm parent, gently guiding them or whatever. If this is some hippy dippy shit he was probably laughing at me. Whoops.
I guess there is a method to gentle parenting. I subscribe to the aha parenting email newsletter and sometimes there are great tips but half the time I know the idea/techniques would work with my spirited kid.