Can you throw money at the grocery problem? Like order peapod to be delivered to your Mom's house on Sundays with milk and yogurt and stuff that isn't easy to pack up for your kids?
I just want to commiserate. Having 2 is so so hard and I feel like I'm failing all the time. Iv been single parenting for two weeks while Dh works 15 hour days and M responds to him being gone by becoming combative and weepy. I'm also dealing with some anxiety that manifests in anger.
I try to keep my cool but I sometimes yell and then I feel really guilty. I constantly feel guilty that each child isn't getting enough attention.
My bad time of day is 3:30-5:30. I've already had my afternoon snack and since I'm trying to lose weight I can't eat again for like 2 hours so I'm hungry and I'm tired but I can't have coffee that Kate or I won't sleep. And the kids are cranky and Dh doesn't get home until 6:30 usually and that's when I tend to lose my patience. It's so tough and 4 year olds are so so difficult. Hugs.
Huge hugs from this internet stranger. I've totally been there, and my DD (who's older) usually gets the brunt of it, although I've yelled pretty bad at my DS too. I always apologize afterwards, and try to explain why I yelled and how I know it's wrong, but that sometimes even mommy makes mistakes. MH and I split things pretty evenly in the mornings, but I get more of the responsibility of packing their stuff up for the day. I know it's already been said, but getting EVERYTHING ready the night before is a lifesaver. And while I am not a morning person at all, it saves my sanity to get up and ready before either kid is up. I get a chance to drink my coffee in peace, eat some breakfast while perusing the internets, etc. I call it my magic hour. And while it sucks when the alarm is first going off, once I'm actually up, I really treasure the time I have to myself.
Post by peachdragon on Apr 11, 2016 12:19:51 GMT -5
OMG I love you because I'm pretty sure I've done something similar with my daughter.
I find it helps me immensely if I set myself up for success by telling myself that I'm going to be calm and patient (in a situation that I know I might get testy). I breathe in and either say it out loud or in my head. But I have to do it beforehand. I can't step outside of the moment as it's happening and calm down.
I've apologized to my daughter many times for freaking out. I've asked her to just tell me to take a Chill Pill when that happens (this would work for me, it might make you angrier). One time she said, "Mom, you need a Relax Vitamin," and I laughed.
Bribery is the only way we make it out the door every morning. I am sure I am setting them up to be entitled but its all that works!
Eat your breakfast and you get your gummy vitamin! Brush your teeth and you can take your favorite snack to school! Put your shoes on and we'll get a sticker on our hand!
It goes on and on. But I'm not gonna lie, it works.
Post by CheeringCharm on Apr 11, 2016 12:22:30 GMT -5
I'm sorry you had a rough morning Tambcat. I think you've gotten a lot of good advice in here so I won't add to that but I just wanted to chime in and add my sympathy. I've certainly been there. I always feel terrible when I snap and yell too. We're human though and it will happen. I think apologizing is really good modeling for your daughter. She will grow up knowing that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you own up to them and try to do better and that is a really good lesson to learn. Hugs.
and PS: When I reach my breaking point with them I yell and curse like a sailor. I do feel bad about those breakdowns but there are so many hugs and kisses exchanged I feel like I am balancing all the crazy out.
Post by lissaholly on Apr 11, 2016 12:39:23 GMT -5
I have to believe that this is normal, otherwise. . .yeah. I can relate to everything down to the my pony/her pony tantrums.
1. If you haven't already, find a system so you know whose pony is whose. I mean, we have about 7 pinkie pies. IDAGF that they rainbowfied one with an extra special cutie mark is C's or the crystallized one is D's. I just need to know if C is attempting to take D's pony to the grocery store since C loses shit. One kid gets a red sharpie circle on the bottom of a hoof, the other gets black.
2. Always remeber that your parents grew up as you did. You don't remember "mom with toddlers" as well as "mom with school kids" The latter figured out a lot of shit in those years between.
3. What do you do in your downtime? Do you have scheduled downtime? I sleep in usually one weekend morning a week. DH is an early riser and he likes this time with the girls to make eggs and eat together. He travels, so I also get a good chunk of time on Saturday or Sunday to go for a long run and maybe run some errands alone. I can look forward to that all week. It is easier to get through the week if I know those times are ahead.
4. Is this stress or anxiety? If I am stressed my patience is thin. I work out, run, craft, sew and shop, DH travels so I know I need to destress to be a better mom. Sometimes, that doesn't work and I lose my shit. Rinse and repeat.
And your kids DO think you are amazing. As long as you are honest, and apologize, it's in the realm of healthy. Don't beat yourself up too much. Forgiving yourself is a great lesson to teach kids, too.
I have totally been there. But it was when my dd was young. Damn little ones are so frustrating!! I thought I would just be a frazzled, yelling mom forever... and that is how my dd would always think of me.
But, god willing, you have many many many years of being a mom. A whole lifetime of it. And these years will be buried under the tween years and the teen years and the marriage years and the grandbaby years... And you will be the sum of it all. The constant source of love and support in their lives. They will have built a whole childhood of memories and your one small part of having some yelling days when things were tough will be a blip in a very loving and happy childhood.
They will remember your laugh, your smell, your cooking, your stories, when you dropped them off at school, dropped them off at their first dance, cried at their graduation, saw them off to their first day of college, watched them walk down the aisle. All of it.
Be easy on you momma, you are doing great. You have a beautiful perfect little family and a whole life of good things waiting for you and your girls (and your H too if he cuts his hair, lol). Just remember, this is just a blip.
Post by litebright on Apr 11, 2016 12:49:16 GMT -5
Mornings SUCK sometimes. They just do. And losing it like that on occasion -- I think it happens to most of us. My kids are 5 and 8 now, and when it happens they will usually tell me, "I'm sorry you're stressed out right now, Mama." Because it happens regularly enough that I blow up, we get out the door (fucking finally, after I told you five times to get your shoes on, and how can you walk out the door without your backpack when you're going to SCHOOL!?!?!) and when I have a chance to catch my breath, I apologize and explain that I'm stressed and upset because we're not very organized/are running late/things are taking too long this morning. And that we can all try to do better tomorrow (me with being more patient, them with listening to me the first time). I think we've gotten to an okay balance at those moments where they at least recognize that they're contributing to my stress, lol, and I don't get DD2 bursting into tears and saying, "you always yell at us!!!" because they understand I'm not just mad to be mad. I'm mad because I'm stressed, and there's a reason for that, and they have some influence on whether I get more mad or less by how they react.
Mine are old enough now that it's a hell of a lot easier to work with them. And I found their currency -- iPad time. So many of the things I used to have to repeatedly nag them about, I don't have to any more, because I just tell them "no iPad time until you are all ready to go" and make sure they know what constitutes "all ready": dressed, socks on, teeth brushed, water bottle and snack in your backpack, etc., etc. Yours are still too little to be at that point. It's easy to say "it gets easier" -- but what about when you're losing your mind right now?
I'd just try and think about whether this is a one-off or something where you're consistently blowing up in the mornings. If it's the former -- eh, we all have had days, kids and grown-ups alike, and when they coincide, that's shitty for everybody. Giving yourself a chance to calm down, then apologizing/explaining and giving hugs does wonders. And Mondays are particularly prone to sucking. If it's the latter, I'd start thinking about what would make your life easier and is doable within your given constraints, and ask your DH for his thoughts/suggestions/what else he might be able to help with, so you guys are both maybe doing a little more prep/work than you are now but it's not cutting too much into other things for EITHER of you. Presenting it as a problem that needs a team solution.
Any chance a sticker chart would be motivating for either girl?
Post by DarcyLongfellow on Apr 11, 2016 12:51:37 GMT -5
I haven't read all the pages of advice, but you are definitely not alone. We all have parenting moments we'd rather forget. The good thing is that kids don't remember much from before their 4th birthdays. So those early days are forgotten and you get a clean slate :-)
I'll join the chorus recommending 1,2,3 Magic. It takes some time when you first start following it, but it really doesn't take long for your kids to catch on that you mean it. Just never start the counting unless you're willing to follow through with the time out if you get to 3.
I think apologizing is huge. I rarely remember my parents ever apologizing to me, so I make a point to do it to my kids if I ever overreact or lose my temper.
Finally, with the fighting over toys, my new strategy is to tell them that they have to work it out between them or I'll take the toy away for the day. I've only had to actually do it a few times.
Post by daisybuchannan on Apr 11, 2016 12:54:34 GMT -5
I can relate 100% to the general morning craziness and losing your temper/feeling like an asshole for yelling at the kids
Connor is going through SUCH a tough stage, I swear he just doesn't listen! Parking lots, walking in public, he just doesn't stay right by me even if I bribe/threaten/take things away, etc. Today we had to go to Trader Joe's (which was packed, of course) and they don't have the double carts so he had to walk next to me. He ended up darting away multiple times and I'd run quickly to grab him and left Cameron in the cart behind me. I definitely saw people giving me looks. I felt really judged the whole trip honestly bc I'm sure my voice sounded mean while I called his name and told him to stay next to me
Post by daisybuchannan on Apr 11, 2016 12:55:58 GMT -5
Also wanted to add that I have anxiety and went through a tough even patch this year that I went on meds. I found that my anxiety was coming out as anger/losing my temper so quickly. I'm on wellbutrin and really like it. I have no side effects and don't feel numb at all, I just feel less anxious and quick to anger.
I don't really have much advice, just wanted to commiserate. I have crazy high expectations of myself as a mom, and my therapist has only put a ding in them so far - unfortunately I am also crazy hard-headed. Mornings are hectic for us, too, and I do agree it is much easier for us to prepare as much as possible the night before, though it's not always realistic (and sometimes I just don't WANT to - I'd rather go lie in bed and read or just be otherwise alone).
I just want to say also, J and E are going to love you regardless of you losing your temper, and that you are apologizing for yelling is SO important and impactful. I wish I had grown up with parents who yelled or ever apologized for anything - maybe that would have demonstrated to me then (and for life) that humans experience a gamut of emotions and it is healthy and OK for that to happen, as long as we apologize for any unintended hurt, vs. me having to learn it now, at 30 years old.
I hope you are able to find something that alleviates your morning frustration. Just know that even if you lose your temper you're still doing a great job with your girls.
I lose my cool and yell a lot more than I'd like to admit. And ds gets the brunt of it since dd is older and is generally really good. But man, my almost 4 year old tests my patience on the daily. I do 100% of the morning routine and 100% of the bed time routine...but that's my fault because I WANT to do it. H would be more than happy to help if I asked. When things go smoothly, I really enjoy doing it. I get up well before I need to so that I can get lunch for ds packed and still have a few minutes to drink coffee and check the internet before I get the kids up. I think that little bit of "me" time before I get them up helps too.
This is really stupid and took me way too long to figure out, but simply talking to ds about what we need to do each morning and each night (bed time is our most trying time of day) before it happens has helped a ton! I started that with bed time in particular a few weeks ago and it's amazing how much of a difference something so simple made. About 20 minutes before bed time, I will tell him that he can watch one Paw Patrol and when that is over, then we need to get jammies on, brush teeth, and get his toys picked out. Then I tell him that once he lays down, he can get up to go potty twice, but if he gets up a 3rd time, I will take one of his planes away.
I do the same thing when I go in to wake him up. We sit on his bed and talk about how we are going to go potty, get dressed, get teeth brushed, then he can watch one Paw Patrol, but once it's over, we have to leave.
It's worked well for us. I seem to yell less during those times then I had been before. Now I just need to work on how I handle tantrums.
I get you. Toddlers are hard. I hope you can find something that works for you! (((HUGS))), my friend.
Post by thecatinthehat on Apr 11, 2016 13:29:34 GMT -5
I've started yelling too (and I only have ONE kid!). I work from home and DS and DH takes FOREVER in the morning. It's like I am the only one who pays attention to the clock while he doesn't look until it is literally is 5 minutes before they leave and then shit happens. DUDE! If you are going to take a shit for 20 mins wake up maybe 20 mins early! I am pissed off at everyone this morning that when I finished packing DS's lunch, daycare supplies and ate my breakfast I stormed upstairs (I work from home) and said "Bye! Going to work!". I can't be the only one responsible for getting everyone up on time in the morning! I am still a little pissed off that instead of working I'm actually on here
Bribery is the only way we make it out the door every morning. I am sure I am setting them up to be entitled but its all that works!
Eat your breakfast and you get your gummy vitamin! Brush your teeth and you can take your favorite snack to school! Put your shoes on and we'll get a sticker on our hand!
It goes on and on. But I'm not gonna lie, it works.
I tried bribing Joanna with candy for awhile but she ended up just expecting it every morning and getting upset when she didn't get it. Dealing with the upset wasn't worth it to me. I know E definitely wouldn't get it and I couldn't just give E a treat and not Joanna. I feel like it would just cause more trouble.
The only "bribe" we have found that works is a mason jar and cotton balls. Every time a kid does something to celebrate-- and sometimes I'm so fucking annoyed and they know it and I have to find something to celebrate because it can turn around the whole afternoon-- he gets a cotton ball in his jar. Sometimes, it's doing chores without complaining, sometimes it's just saying something kind. Everyday, they know they each get one if we get out the door on time.
(We also reserve the right to take them away. We rarely do, but sometimes one of them will do something and for whatever reason, time out or some other discipline is inconvenient or whatever, so they lose a cotton ball.)
Anyway, a full jar = toy / new book / stickers / trip to the zoo / whatever. On average, they fill a jar every 5 weeks or so.
More and more I feel like the two working parents thing just doesn't work. Unfortunately, it's a necessary reality for us and a lot of people. We need a third spouse to SAH. lol
I absolutely feel this way. We had friends live with us for about 6 weeks once when they moved internationally, and it was surprisingly awesome. We had three adults working, one kid, and one adult at home. The ratio was pretty much perfect.
So I didn't read everything but I agree that there must be a way for your H to help more in the mornings with can help mitigate the breaking point of you trying to get everything and everyone out of the door on time.
Can you take one bag and E out to the car first and then go back for the rest and Joanna? That way you aren't trying to herd them both at the same time? Ask Joanna to carry something to the car and kind of make it her special job so she has something else to concentrate on?
Ugh, I totally lose it way more than I think I should. I try to give myself a break because after all I am human, and having a 4-year-old is enough to drive anyone over the edge, especially when the 6.5-year-old then decides to get with his program and start mouthing off at the same time. Things have been ROUGH lately for us, and I am hoping this is one of those developmental stages where they are both just off and it will eventually pass. Fingers crossed.
Anyway, others have given a lot of good suggestions but one other thing that helps me when I can't or don't want to walk away is to do the "action without words" trick from a Positive Discipline book I read. Basically I just stop talking and issuing commands and instead get their shoes and socks and hand them to them without speaking, etc. For whatever reason this seems to invite less resistance. Sometimes this can avoid a Mommy tantrum.
I have anxiety and am alone A LOT. My husband deployed mid-November and best case scenario he will be home in June or July. He's on a ship so no access to phones or Skype either. So the idea of having someone get my kids up and give them breakfast sounds dreamy, but I also know that we all have different thresholds for anxiety and stress. When my husband is home my threshold and expectations change drastically.
I do yell sometimes. I have a lot of patience and a very long fuse... but once I've hit the end *boom* I'm SO done. My kids are now 5 and 6 and have gotten good about knowing when I'm almost at that point. I rarely yell anymore. But honestly, when I do yell I am very ashamed of myself afterwards. I curse too sometimes (well, I curse a lot in real life, but never around the kids) and have thrown things. It's not pretty and I always have terrible guilt afterward.
Like others have said, I've had to really plan my life out. I meal plan, I try and clean/pack lunches/stage breakfasts at night while they are in bed. I try and eat well and exercise in order to have a generally good mood. When I eat poorly or am sedentary I find that my patience dwindles. Also, I know myself and those few days before I get my period are much much more precarious.
Bottom line: If the mornings are too much, make some changes. That might mean that your evenings are more full, but hopefully it will really turn around those early hours.
Some adjustments I've made... My husband is gone, so I forgive myself more easily. No lunch food in the house? I just let my kids buy lunch at school and I don't think twice about it. If I need a minute? I let them watch TV longer that day so that I can decompress. I make sure I get a babysitter about once per week so that I can go have fun with my friends and get out any pent up frustration.
Post by AHappierHour on Apr 11, 2016 15:09:14 GMT -5
My worst time is the morning and I don't even go to work. DH leaves at 6:30 for work and I have to get 3 little ones dresses and fed to go to school by 7:45.
They fight over the dumbest things, I have to tell them 100 times to put your shoes on, where are your glasses, grab your lunch. The baby for some odd reason really wants and need me when I'm trying to do the girls hair. He pushes the girls, throws my brushes, cries till he can get on my lap. I've learned to put him in a high hair with food while I do their hair.
You just have to keep trying new things till it works. You will find your groove.
Post by bugandbibs on Apr 11, 2016 15:25:23 GMT -5
I'm sorry. I can totally relate. I get myself and all 3 kids out the door without any help because MH leaves for work at 3 AM. I yell more than I would like.
Things that might help your situation: 1. grocery delivery to your mom's house. Safeway, Fred Meyer, Amazon Prime, etc whatever you have. 2. Keep the girls in their PJs and have them get dressed at Grandma's house. 3. No more 20 minute "poops" in the morning for your husband. No time for that. 4. Parenting Classes. I really like Love and Logic. 5. You need more breaks. Your husband can handle the girls if you leave or he can take them out. 6. Plant a few trees in your yard, put up a shade sail, maybe a patio cover?
share.memebox.com/x/uKhKaZmemebox referal code for 20% off! DD1 "J" born 3/2003 DD2 "G" born 4/2011 DS is here! "H" born 2/2014 m/c#3 1-13-13 @ 9 weeks m/c#2 11-11-12 @ 5w2d I am an extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing, pro marriage equality, birth control lovin', Catholic mama.
Tamb, I yell far more than you do, and I'm adding a 3rd to the mix. My mom laughs at me when I say she wasn't like this, but I don't remember it.
Another vote for finding a different med. I'm on Celexa now, but there are so many options. It may not change the yelling, but I feel like you are way, way too hard on yourself because of your anxiety.
Mornings suck. And I value my sleep way too much for getting up early to ever be a real option.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Apr 11, 2016 15:44:17 GMT -5
I lost it on my H a while back because he was consistently leaving the house 20 minutes before me. We each take a kid, but getting a baby out of the house is infinitely easier than getting a 1st grader out of the house. Especially if I am getting the baby dressed and ready to go during your 20 minute shit.
I laid it out for him, that we needed to leave at the same time and he needed to help me to make that happen. He's been much more helpful since then and now asks for permission to leave in the morning, bwahahaha.
i have absolutely been there. i have thrown all the things. it wasn't even that long ago and they already don't remember.
i have only skimmed the responses, but i want to remind you that this is TEMPORARY!!! this is not the kind of mom you are or the kind of kids you have or your parenting style or whatever. you are in the thick of the "eat or be eaten" stage of parenting. i PROMISE that they will get older and become actual little people who can communicate and make actual funny jokes and dress themselves and buckle their own seatbelts and pick up dog poop and play outside without you. and it is glorious. they become actual PEOPLE that you ENJOY being around and not little tiny people who need stuff constantly. this too shall pass!!
This sounds like me a lot of the time (minus the swearing).
For me it helps if we plan to leave a good 10 minutes before we actually need to. Getting everyone out the door always seems to take so fucking.long and it does not help when I'm stressed about the time, etc. I hate getting ready earlier and getting to places too early (lol!), but it does seem to help my frustration/anger levels.
I think kids forget a lot of stuff. I don't remember my mom swearing at me and too much yelling, but after talking to her now I know it happened a bit...haha!
Sorry you're dealing with this. Little kids can be so hard sometimes.