Dating annoyances, any and all

[glitzyglow]

What's annoying you when it comes to dating, whether directly related to dates or other people? Here's a few of mine:

• My mom offered to buy me a subscription to eHarmony. While a kind gesture, it also implies she might think that I need help finding a guy.

• A friend recently asked me why I wasn't seeing anyone. I told her I hadn't met anyone that I clicked with and she said, "Well you're so smart. Maybe guys are intimidated by how smart you are." Uh, okay, even if they were, they would need to gtf over it. I'm not dumbing myself down for scaredy boys. And I told her why what she said wasn't helpful.

• An older woman I'm close with told me that she and her husband really hope I find someone because they love me so much, want me to be happy, and don't want me to "end up all alone." Uh, thanks? 

[jojoandleo]

When I was dating (DATING!) I got a lot of comments about how I couldn't "keep a man." Like, it was an issue with ME that I went on dates and wasn't in a relationship. Whether I wanted a relationship or not was obviously irrelevant. ALL women MUST want a relationship! Sorry, people, I just enjoyed casual sex and getting a free meal here and there.

I also hated people telling me that I had to wait X amount of time to sleep with a guy. A-I'm an adult. I do what I want B-how insulting to me and men. Like, if a guy is going to think I am a slut for sleeping with him on the first date, he's not someone I want to date anyway. Or if he wouldn't see me once we fucked, yeah, don't want him. and C-I LIKE SEX! Deal with it.

[Deleted]

"How are you still single? You're so_______!"

Fill in the blank with: Pretty, nice, beautiful, amazing, smart, funny


This is from guys and also bystanders. I'm surprised someone hasn't been murdered for saying shit like this...

[jigsy]

"dating yourself"

The theory behind it is sound. And I don't think it is a bad idea, but I am annoyed that it seems only women have to "date themselves" to be in a good plce for a relationship. Guys seem to just do whatever they want, and it's all just happenstance when they end up in a relationship that works out long term for them.

I don't think I would ever hear a man say "You know, I know this girl, she is super cute and smart, and is totally into me - but I really need to just date myself and figure out what I want. I'm just not in a healthy place to start something"

Maybe I am bitterly applying things to all dudes unfairly but in general, I don't feel like men put in much thought to being ready for relationships. They either are or aren't - collateral damage be damned.

And now I am annoyed because I wrote out that rant, and basically, "I'm not in a place to be in a healthy relationship" is exactly what Vegas said to me...he just figured it out after we started, and is now taking the time to get there. So maybe it's more that they go in without thinking, they don't date themselves, and just have to back-track when they figure it out.

And because tone cannot be read over the internet...I did not pound this out on the keyboard in an angry rant style. It was more of a Jerry Seinfeld-esque "what's the deal with this dating yourself idea"

[glitzyglow]

jojoandleo, recently a friend and I were talking about a guy I was sleeping with and she was all, "OMG, you've slept with him?! That was too soon!" No, I can sleep with whoever I want whenever I want...just like guys can (and never get called out for doing). I will always think of Samantha from SATC and her great line: "Reality check. A guy can just as easily dump you if you fuck him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth." Amen, amen.

[1confused1]

My sister to me "I really think you should start dating". Ok sure, just let the line of guys knocking at my front door in.

[bg]

I'm groaning at a lot of what others have already written because although my divorce isn't even final yet, I'm already hearing a lot of that.

jigsy I agree with you on dating yourself. Guys just jump into (literally??) the next woman. It's interesting though, because aside from my therapist, almost everyone else thinks I should be getting out and at least casually dating. Maybe it's because I have done a lot of work on myself already (and I have!) and the process has taken so long? But I'm WTH'ing them for sure -- thanks, I'll let you know when I'm ready! Or maybe I won't. Because it's my life!

My pre-dating annoyance. I only have a couple of single friends who are OLD but I have a pre-dating annoyance from what they've said. It seems like with every person they meet, there's something that the guy has lied about in their profile. I'm not sure if it's just the guys my friends are picking but it's making me even less enthusiastic about the idea of ever using OLD.

[jojoandleo]

Apr 21, 2016 17:55:33 GMT -5 mp said:

jigsy yes. yes. Yessssss. I feel like very few men actually take time off to work on themselves. They all fucking move right on and realize later that they have feelings about things they've tried to pretend they don't have feelings about. Ugh.

Dude, everyone in my family does this. Hence my sister being on marriage number 3. I do think women are more likely to self reflect, while men are more likely to just pretend it didn't hurt and dive into something new.

I did tell my brother NOT to get into a relationship after his separation and divorce (which STILL isn't final).  I told him to just have fun and get to know himself.  Buuuut, he's already in a relationship.  *sigh*  Whatever.  I do actually like this girl, but, ugh.  My bro is in love with the idea of love.

The REALLY funny thing is, marriage #3 sister was all, "OMG!  I cannot believe he is in a relationship again!  He really should be single!"  Like, Giiiiirl, you were dating husband number 2 while married to husband #1 still.  And you started dating a guy *I* met (out of state family) a few months after ending marriage #2.  Like, come on.  Just because you did not meet husband #3 until a year after your divorce doesn't mean you were single.

[sweetchix]

Apr 21, 2016 18:28:06 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Apr 21, 2016 17:55:33 GMT -5 mp said:

jigsy yes. yes. Yessssss. I feel like very few men actually take time off to work on themselves. They all fucking move right on and realize later that they have feelings about things they've tried to pretend they don't have feelings about. Ugh.

Dude, everyone in my family does this. Hence my sister being on marriage number 3. I do think women are more likely to self reflect, while men are more likely to just pretend it didn't hurt and dive into something new.

I did tell my brother NOT to get into a relationship after his separation and divorce (which STILL isn't final).  I told him to just have fun and get to know himself.  Buuuut, he's already in a relationship.  *sigh*  Whatever.  I do actually like this girl, but, ugh.  My bro is in love with the idea of love.

The REALLY funny thing is, marriage #3 sister was all, "OMG!  I cannot believe he is in a relationship again!  He really should be single!"  Like, Giiiiirl, you were dating husband number 2 while married to husband #1 still.  And you started dating a guy *I* met (out of state family) a few months after ending marriage #2.  Like, come on.  Just because you did not meet husband #3 until a year after your divorce doesn't mean you were single.

My brother told us last November that he and SIL were splitting. Then, he tells us he's been "seeing" someone since August. While I understand when he said his marriage had been over for quite some time, I really want to shake him and yell "Slow your roll dude!!"

[jellymankelly]

Apr 21, 2016 17:55:33 GMT -5 mp said:

jigsy yes. yes. Yessssss. I feel like very few men actually take time off to work on themselves. They all fucking move right on and realize later that they have feelings about things they've tried to pretend they don't have feelings about. Ugh.

That describes literally every guy I dated between my separation and meeting my FI. They were all "totally over it." My favorite was the one who absolutely lost his mind when he logged into his ex-wife's email account and saw pics she had sent to someone of her new BF playing at the park with her son. He literally said, "THAT WAS OUR PARK! She took him to OUR park!" OMG. NEXT!

[jellymankelly]

Apr 21, 2016 20:47:34 GMT -5 mp said:

Apr 21, 2016 20:25:38 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

That describes literally every guy I dated between my separation and meeting my FI. They were all "totally over it." My favorite was the one who absolutely lost his mind when he logged into his ex-wife's email account and saw pics she had sent to someone of her new BF playing at the park with her son. He literally said, "THAT WAS OUR PARK! She took him to OUR park!" OMG. NEXT!

I liked in solidarity, and in having hope. haha. my exbf last year, when we broke up - was very clear that he didn't think he'd ever fall in love with me. He had been separated well over a year at that point (he was divorced, just less) and was like "MY HEART WAS SHATTERED NOT THAT LONG AGO." Ok dude... well. It was like 18 months ago. And we've been together 6 months. You don't get to use that excuse anymore! Not while you know I fucking love you.

A guy I dated (the short guy I talked about here a lot), told me after about 4 months of dating that he really liked me, but he wasn't a loving type. He said he wasn't even able to tell his own parents he loved them until he was in his 20s, and after his ex wife, he wasn't sure he'd be able to say that to a woman again. He was seeing a therapist, I THINK, but my first thought sounded kind of like squealing tires. I think I only saw him 1 more time after that. I didn't really care that much if he loved me then, but I took real issue with the fact that he seemed to have some sort of psychological block against it, even with his own parents.

Edit: All of that was to say: Maybe "I'm not sure I can love again" must be in the handbook for guys who shouldn't be dating yet.

[Deleted]

There are certain things that (in general) people shouldn't ask!!!
Examples:  Why don't you have a boyfriend?  When are you getting married?  When are you going to/Why don't you have kids?  Why did you get divorced?

It makes the person being asked uncomfortable and it's just inappropriate.  
Sorry glitzyglow.  Always trust your gut and don't worry about other people's opinions.  

[jenstar]

Apr 21, 2016 17:10:56 GMT -5 glitzyglow said:

• A friend recently asked me why I wasn't seeing anyone. I told her I hadn't met anyone that I clicked with and she said, "Well you're so smart. Maybe guys are intimidated by how smart you are." Uh, okay, even if they were, they would need to gtf over it. I'm not dumbing myself down for scaredy boys. And I told her why what she said wasn't helpful.

OMG this! I was telling my bff a couple of weeks ago that I was about to give up on the guy I was talking with on eharmony because he was taking so long to reply, so how interested could he be. And she said that my prior reply to him was hilarious, but that she wasn't sure if guys liked funny girls.. I was just like, well, I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't like funny girls.. wtf.. it also annoyed me that out of absolutely all of the possibilities (like he was busy, dead, lost his computer etc) she chose one that was about me.

I decided it says more about where she's at with the dating game than me as a person. And dude replied the next day and I genuinely think that dating isn't a huge priority for him right now. He's been much better on text and we're meeting tomorrow! eek!

[verycontrary247]

My biggest dating annoyance is flakey dudes. You've been texting me constantly for weeks, and now that it's come time to hang out, sudden radio silence OR extreme business/random illness. Most of the time they are still fucking texting me shit like "oh I wish I weren't SO busy/sick so we could hang out."

I'm busy all the goddamned time. I make time to hang out with people I want to see. Just feels like a huge waste of effort to continue talking to these people.

[Mrs.Rad888]

I hate it when people have the attitude that having an SO is the be-all-and-end-all for every woman. In our group, we have a girl who was unattached for about a year and a half. The guys in the group were all "Poor, C. She's all alone." Well, she actually wasn't "all alone." She has tons of friends, and dated a lot, but none of the dates led to a relationship. 
For some reason, they never stopped to think about those of us who were in a relationship, but the relationship wasn't going well. Because the most important thing was that we had an SO.

I hate dudes that have to be the white knight.

[verycontrary247]

I alternatively hate when I'm dating someone and they start infiltrating your social life/group.

I feel like the guy I'm seeing now is leeching off my friend group. He's met a few of them when we go out for karaoke, and is now friends with them on FB/invited to group events etc. Like, we aren't even officially in a relationship, back off. This makes things so much more awkward when I'm ready to end things.

[alleinesein]

Men who wont date women in their age group. I'm sorry but I am not interested in a 22 yr old who needs a mother nor do I want to have to care for a geriatric husband while taking care of my parents in 15-20 years. I just want someone in my own damn age group!!

[bl]

Apr 21, 2016 17:23:54 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I also hated people telling me that I had to wait X amount of time to sleep with a guy. A-I'm an adult. I do what I want B-how insulting to me and men. Like, if a guy is going to think I am a slut for sleeping with him on the first date, he's not someone I want to date anyway. Or if he wouldn't see me once we fucked, yeah, don't want him. and C-I LIKE SEX! Deal with it.

THIS! Sometimes I sleep with a guy on the first date, sometimes I don't.  I do whatever I feel in the moment, and any guy that is right for me will not judge me for that. I don't know if I ever posted it here or not, but I got SUPER slut shamed by a guy after sleeping with him and I was like umm you slept with me too you dumbass.  He then had the nerve to basically say well I would never date you, but we can still fuck, yeahhh no. 

[heywhat]

I have been with my boyfriend for less than two years. Questions/pressure about when we were planning on living together and/or get married started after a few months.

WTF? Leave me alone. My first marriage was a disaster, please don't rush me into a new one. << I have actually said those words to more than one family member.

[Deleted]

Apr 22, 2016 7:34:04 GMT -5 bl said:

Apr 21, 2016 17:23:54 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I also hated people telling me that I had to wait X amount of time to sleep with a guy. A-I'm an adult. I do what I want B-how insulting to me and men. Like, if a guy is going to think I am a slut for sleeping with him on the first date, he's not someone I want to date anyway. Or if he wouldn't see me once we fucked, yeah, don't want him. and C-I LIKE SEX! Deal with it.

THIS! Sometimes I sleep with a guy on the first date, sometimes I don't.  I do whatever I feel in the moment, and any guy that is right for me will not judge me for that. I don't know if I ever posted it here or not, but I got SUPER slut shamed by a guy after sleeping with him and I was like umm you slept with me too you dumbass.  He then had the nerve to basically say well I would never date you, but we can still fuck, yeahhh no. 

DOUBLE STANDARD!!! People suck.

My mom says she's uber religious. That's fine. She says to me she will likely never have sex again even though she has a boyfriend of 3+ years who "has his own room" at her house for sleep overs since it's  a long distance relationship. 

I found condoms in your make up bag. Stop it, mom. I wish she would just admit to it. LOL.

[arielroux]

What drove me crazy when I was dating around were the guys who would be like "I'd be really upset if you were seeing other people" (I always was), but they didn't want to commit to a relationship. Dude. You don't get to try to guilt trip me into not seeing anyone else while you still get to do whatever/whomever you want. Fuck that noise.

[glitzyglow]

jigsy and mp , I agree. Remember the French guy I just went out with? Turns out he's been single for an entire 3 weeks out of a long relationship and got online to "help himself get over his relationship." Ugh. How about people get heal and then date...but apparently that's asking too much.

[Deleted]

Apr 21, 2016 23:12:53 GMT -5 verycontrary247 said:

I alternatively hate when I'm dating someone and they start infiltrating your social life/group.

I feel like the guy I'm seeing now is leeching off my friend group. He's met a few of them when we go out for karaoke, and is now friends with them on FB/invited to group events etc. Like, we aren't even officially in a relationship, back off. This makes things so much more awkward when I'm ready to end things.

The guy I'm seeing brings me to stuff with his friends all the time & was expecting me to just start showing up places he hangs out. I was like, no, I am not showing up at your bar without an express invitation because I will not be that person. You control access to your friends until we're an actual couple.

But I guess that means he likes me. Most of my friends won't bring guys to their regular spot until like 6 months of dating.

[brooke77]

I want a baby. I'm 33 with a great job, wonderful friends and family, own a home, and am pretty hot (if I do say so myself). EVERYONE tells me that I will scare away all the men if I tell them I want a baby. Ummmm? So I can't tell a man what I want? The men I'm interested in dating are 30-40 and the idea of a future and kids with an adult woman will turn them away screaming? So frustrating...

[Serenity9]

I have one right now - I think I have a date this weekend, but I'm not sure. It's a guy that I know from a group I used to attend, but haven't lately. He messaged me just to check in since he hadn't seen me for a while, and I told him I've been too busy to attend. He suggested that we "catch up" this weekend. Sure, sounds good. And now he's suggesting places that seem date-like. I hate not knowing if this is a date or not. I'm pretty sure at this point that it is. I'm okay with that, though. I'm not sure we're a good match long-term, but he's at least first-date material.

[arielroux]

Apr 22, 2016 13:01:40 GMT -5 brooke77 said:

I want a baby. I'm 33 with a great job, wonderful friends and family, own a home, and am pretty hot (if I do say so myself). EVERYONE tells me that I will scare away all the men if I tell them I want a baby. Ummmm? So I can't tell a man what I want? The men I'm interested in dating are 30-40 and the idea of a future and kids with an adult woman will turn them away screaming? So frustrating...

Don't listen to them. I don't want to have kids, and I've chatted with a decent number of guys in that age range who have told me that my not wanting to have kids was an issue for them.  So there are plenty of guys out there who DO want to have kids, and are looking for someone else who wants that as well. 

Do not let people tell you that's going to scare men away.  It'll only scare away the ones who don't share the same interest.

[Deleted]

Apr 22, 2016 13:01:40 GMT -5 brooke77 said:

I want a baby. I'm 33 with a great job, wonderful friends and family, own a home, and am pretty hot (if I do say so myself). EVERYONE tells me that I will scare away all the men if I tell them I want a baby. Ummmm? So I can't tell a man what I want? The men I'm interested in dating are 30-40 and the idea of a future and kids with an adult woman will turn them away screaming? So frustrating...

I had a guy that we were dating for two weeks and I expressed my concern about him having kids and I don't and vaguely said he was open to more kids. I wouldn't date anyone who didn't want kids because I want kids. Then 7 months down the line he said he did not want anymore kids. When I expressed that I thought he was okay with more per an early conversation we had and that I would have never dated him if he wasn't open to more he said he would have to talk about it when he had been dating a person longer and in the actual situation (like dating for a few years, married, and then kid convo). Whut? I felt so blindsided and mislead. We broke up. 

As long as you aren't walking up to a guy and going "I need you to put a  baby in me in the next 2.5 years. Would you like to grab coffee?" I think you're fine expressing your desire to procreate as it can be a huge deal breaker down the line and it needs to be put out there BEFORE shit gets real.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Mine is that people were stunned that I didn't date more before my current relationship or I get grief for getting to know someone slowly before meeting them.

I have 24/7 custody of a 6yo with zero family close by I can rely on to watch her ... no she doesn't go to her dad's every other weekend so ANY kind of me time has to be carefully planned and I don't want to waste my time (and money for a sitter) for some guy who's not worth it.

[jenstar]

Apr 22, 2016 13:52:25 GMT -5 mp said:

brooke77 - so I have a friend. jigsy knows her, too. She wants a baby so bad that she basically just wants any man in there to fill that gap. My therapist calls this the "Coney Island Cut out". LOL.



Getting any man in there that will stand in the picture of what you want.

This is my xh in a nutshell.. Wanted more kids, doesn't care who the carrier is, as long as she's useful to him he'll be happy.

[Mrs.Rad888]

Apr 22, 2016 18:52:51 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Apr 22, 2016 13:52:25 GMT -5 mp said:

brooke77 - so I have a friend. jigsy knows her, too. She wants a baby so bad that she basically just wants any man in there to fill that gap. My therapist calls this the "Coney Island Cut out". LOL.



Getting any man in there that will stand in the picture of what you want.

This is my xh in a nutshell.. Wanted more kids, doesn't care who the carrier is, as long as she's useful to him he'll be happy.

My XH, too. I was wife #3 for him, by the time we got married, he was up to 4 kids, one given up for adoption. While we were married, he "found out" about a set of twins. After we split up, he and W#4 had another kid. While they were together, another one came out of the woodwork. He and W#4 split up last year, and apparently he's now dating a 20-something, and I'm sure it's just a matter of time before she ends up pregnant. For anyone who's trying to do the math, he's currently up to 9 kids. He seems to feel that getting a woman PG makes him a man.