Updated OP. I'm still struggling. IF trigger.

[calamity]

I think that stuff is all really understandable. All those feelings are pretty normal, and if this isn't what you had in mind it can be that much harder to accept.

[wambam]

((Rex))

Whatever you're feeling is okay and normal. It's going to be okay.

[Bernadine]

I can't imagine what a shock this must be to you. You are absolutely entitled to whatever you are feeling. Do you think it would help to talk to a therapist? You certainly don't have to make any decisions right now.

[isabel]

Your feelings are valid no matter what. Please tell yourself that when you need to.

I think this will work out if that's what you choose and I honestly think you'll be happy when the baby gets here, but I know there's a ton standing in the way of that right now.

I can't really offer advice, but I'm thinking about you and sending hugs.

[miso]

You do you, man.

If anybody has unkind things to say, they will answer to me.

::menacing look::

[TR]

Aw, Rex, I'm so sorry you're struggling You've always been so supportive of everyone regardless of what you may have been going through at the time so you deserve the same support.

I don't have much wisdom. I know you can do this. You don't have to, though, if you really decide that's not the right path for your family.

[beefcheeks]

((Rex))

[gault]

If it is something you feel is not able to work for your family...you do have options. And you have time to make up your mind on how to feel about this. Hugs to you.

[fields]

I don't doubt you are experiencing some level of legit shock given your history of IF, as you said. And with that, I think everything you are feeling is totally normal. I also think you should let go of beating yourself up for feeling the way you do.

I have some experience with IF (not anywhere near what you went through - but needed clomid to get pregnant with DS1 after a few years of trying). And then we wanted to have a second. In my mind I saw myself as a mom to two kids. But at the same time, I was exhausted by the idea. I felt like I was basically going to brace myself to survive another 5 years of baby and toddlerhood.

Sharing this only to hopefully provide reassurance that even though DS2 was planned, I had all sorts of hesitations and to some extent I didn't enjoy my pg as much as I feel I should have.

Be kind to yourself - lots of hugs.

[stealthmom]

Do you have a professional to talk to? That could be very helpful in sorting out your feelings. Hugs. None of this makes you a bad person or whatever. It just makes you humam.

[pandora89]

Hugs RexManningDay, I am sorry you are struggling. You are not being offensive. Whatever you decide to do, it will be okay.

[Elsa]

Aw Rex. Your feelings are real because they are your feelings. You don't have to justify them, or explain them.

I think I can understand the total mindfuck this must be. Especially since it was a complete surprise...L was anything but a surprise. Surprise pregnancies throw everyone off, and that is without your previous belief that it was literally impossible for it to happen to you.

I will say, that WHATEVER you decide to be the right decision for you and your family is 100000% ok. If you decide that because of various factors that now isn't the right time, THAT IS OK.
If you decide to move forward with this pregnancy, it is 10000% ok to not feel elated and ecstatic about what is to come. You will get there eventually should you decide to continue.

Let us know what you need. Sending you much much love. <3

[pixy0stix]

You went through a grief process and accepted your situation. Of course anything that upsets that acceptance is going to be really really hard to take.

My suggestion to you is to find a counselor and talk it out. IF is a mindfuck and then to get pregnant outside of that accidentally? ::BOOM:: Mind gone.

[Eagles]

I'm sorry. Just know that I'm in line behind miso. ❤

[Deleted]

Rex, you are going to feel whatever you're going to feel, which is probably going to be all over the place for a long, long time and just when you feel you're coasting to the end of the roller coaster, oh wait, it's going back up the hill again. And guess what?

It's totally normal and ok for you to feel this way.

Deep breaths...take it one day at a time.

As someone who is going through my own infertility struggles, what I have had to tell myself many, many (many) times is to let.go.of.the.outcome.

Easier said than done, I know.

But know that we're all here for you.

((hugs))

[FastHands]

Nothing you've posted here or before is stupid or selfish. Just imagining being in your shoes is insanely overwhelming, and that's from the comfort of distance, if that makes sense, and without your history or how you've been struggling lately. Remember of course that you don't have to do anything. I'm not sure if that knowledge helps anything or just adds another moving piece to this, but you don't have to be pigeon-holed if it's truly not what you want or what you can handle. I do also think that talking to someone is a REALLY good idea. An unplanned pregnancy is a mindfuck in and of itself, but your situation has so many layers to it that I imagine it's really difficult to work through everything. It's like 900 pieces of string that have all gotten tangled together, and looking at the knotted mess can be ridiculously overwhelming and you just don't even know where to start. An impartial professional may be able to help you detangle a bit and focus on one thread at a time -- to still view this in the context of your history, but in a way that's helpful and not hurtful.

IDK. I'm babbling. But I do hope you consider reaching out to someone, because if they can lighten your load even a tiny bit, you deserve that.

[kaybee85]

I'm sorry you are still struggling with this. Like others have said, you still have choices - you don't owe the world to be happy about this and move forward with the pregnancy just because you struggled with IF in the past. If you choose to have the baby, you don't owe it to anyone to be ecstatic about it right away because you struggled with IF in the past. Either way, we are here for you!

[styme46]

May 18, 2016 13:53:07 GMT -5 Elsa said:

Aw Rex. Your feelings are real because they are your feelings. You don't have to justify them, or explain them.

I think I can understand the total mindfuck this must be. Especially since it was a complete surprise...L was anything but a surprise. Surprise pregnancies throw everyone off, and that is without your previous belief that it was literally impossible for it to happen to you.

I will say, that WHATEVER you decide to be the right decision for you and your family is 100000% ok. If you decide that because of various factors that now isn't the right time, THAT IS OK.
If you decide to move forward with this pregnancy, it is 10000% ok to not feel elated and ecstatic about what is to come. You will get there eventually should you decide to continue.

Let us know what you need. Sending you much much love. <3

Elsa said this perfectly so I'll just quote.

Whatever you decide is right for your family is perfectly ok.

I'm thinking about you. (((HUGS)))

[bittybomb]

So many hugs. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to feel however it is you feel.

As many have mentioned, I had an unplanned pregnancy with my youngest. His sister was only 6 months old when I found out. We had planned on ultimately going for 3, but the plan was to wait at least a little longer. That threw me for a loop. I wasn't really happy or excited about the pregnancy for awhile. I struggled with it, and I too was guilty and mad at myself for it. I mean, we wanted 3 anyway, and here I was living the dream and I was detached from it all. It was a lot to take in. We had a 2 1/2 year old and a 6 month old at the time, and I just kept thinking I couldn't do it again so soon. I felt sad for my 6 month old because it felt like her infancy would be robbed. I wondered if I would ever be able to give my eldest the attention he once had when he was an only. My husband's job situation was precarious, at best, and in fact he was laid off when the baby was only 4 months old. I was completely freaked over everything - how my other children would be affected, how my body was going to handle a third pregnancy in as many years, how my husband and I would fare given that we were already stressed with the two we had and the uncertainty of his job, and finances terrified me. At some point during the pregnancy, I started to feel happy and bonded to that baby, even though I really couldn't imagine it when I first found out. Well, that baby is now 4, and he has absolutely completed our family.

All of your feelings are valid. It is a lot to work through. Many hugs and good thoughts while you work through this.

[amandakisser]

I suffered from infertility with my first, and not even CLOSE to the same struggle as you (sorry, I know you don't know me from Adam but I've been around a long time). I was surprised with my second pregnancy, and my initial reaction was not positive.

So, all I will say is if in my limited, relatively benign IF issues I felt negative emotions about my (now greatly-loved) DD2, I cannot even imagine how you are feeling. Please do not feel guilty for how you're feeling right now, and no decision is the wrong one. Nothing but support from me.

[ginap]

Rex I'm so sorry you are struggling. You are entitled to feel however you want to and you can choose to do whatever is right for your family and if anyone says otherwise you can find me in line behind Miso and Eagles.

[Pirategal]

As someone who also knows all too well the mindfuck that is IF, major hugs to you! I can't imagine being told one thing for so many years and all the trials that come with IF to one day what was so damn difficult happened like magic.

I'll echo the other ladies to talk this all out with a professional someone. Does your RE office have a LCSW on staff? He/she might have the best training to help with the roller coaster you are on.

[pantsparty]

Huge hugs. This is a mindfuck. Whatever you are feeling, whatever you want to do is okay.

[Deleted]

All your feelings are completely understandable.

Hugs

[BaliHai]

Oh, Rex. I wish I had any words of wisdom, but instead I'll echo the others: your feelings are valid, the choice regarding how to proceed is yours, and there is nothing wrong with whatever choice that is. Thinking of you. (heart)

[dani302011]

Hi Rex- I am a lurker here, who as lurked for way to long. I normally read most post and don't respond. Any way... I have/am struggling with infertility and have been for 5 years. I tell you that because even though we desperately want a baby if I was in your place I would feel the same way.

I don't think it matters when it happens, whether it is your first, second or fifth, if you didn't plan on another child and it is something you didn't think would happen it would be hard. Heck, we are actively doing everything possible to get pregnant and I still think I will feel somewhat like you do.

So just know you are not alone. We all have feelings that others might are ridiculous, but it doesn't change how we feel. Speak with your doctor about how you feel, maybe they have suggestions. Don't be so hard on yourself right now. This is all so new and your feelings could change, it might not be overnight and maybe not even till the baby is born but it is possible you will look back and wonder what you were so worried about.

From what I read you are a great mom and this isn't going to change that. I hope that just this little bit of encouragement from a creepy internet lurker will help a little. I am going to try to post more, because if this thread shows us anything it is that this is an amazing group of supportive ladies.

[margarita]

So much love to you, Rex. I can't imagine how you're feeling. Whatever you decide to do is okay.

[jlt19]

I had many of these same thoughts when I found out I was pregnant with #2. I think had DH brought up the possibility of not going through with it, I would have.

And even to this day, 4+ years later, there are times I think about what life would be like without DS. He's been a challenge, on a lot of levels. I LOVE him and I think he's amazing, don't get me wrong, but there are times I think about how much calmer/easier life would have been with just the 3 of us. But I also know there'd be a lot less smiles in my house as well. So, while I would have never lost out on something I didn't have had we made a different choice, I'm also not upset that I did make the choice to have him. I hope that makes sense.

Whatever you choose will be the right choice for your family and we're all supportive 100%.

[Muddled]

Oh, Rexy. It's ok to struggle with this. Pixy made an excellent point. You've made your peace with IF. You had a more involved path than most and you found something that worked and you planned your future, one you were happy with, within those parameters. It's almost like you have to start from scratch again. That's not ever going to be easy. I hope you can find peace.

[puddleofgrace]

SO.MANY.HUGS