“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
So many hugs and I will just agree with everyone else. Just because this is something that you once wanted doesn't mean that it has to be something you still want or that it is a good time for. I do encourage you to speak to someone about it - maybe your RE's office can recommend a resource?
IF is such a huge mind fuck, it really is. I know I was definitely changed by it. Please know that the way you feel is not wrong in any way. You are allowed to feel what you feel. It is a huge shock. Sending you lots of hugs. Lots of them.
Post by gretchenindisguise on May 18, 2016 15:39:41 GMT -5
Thinking about my scenario further. You'd end up with one of 3 things...
If you both write down keep - then you're on that path. If you both write down abort - then you're on that path. If one of you writes down keep and the other writes down abort - you've both already said that if one person felt strongly one way or the other you'd be pulled that way. This would further that discussion probably just make it generally easier to have.
And if you guys end up in either of the first two outcomes, then you don't have to continue to torture yourselves with the "what if" of the third outcome.
An unplanned/ unexpected pregnancy is really a mind-fuck. I was just starting to feel like myself after dd1 (pp depression, anxiety and OCD diagnosis) when I found out I was pregnant with dd2. I didn't even think I wanted another and to be completely honest, I felt that way the entire pregnancy. Just so unsure and stressed and anxious. I'm sorry you are struggling with this. There is no right way to feel or right answer, you will do what is best for you and your family.
I have been here and it sucked tremendously. I know it's what they're "supposed" to say but of course it isn't that simple and it really puts the whole load on you. This just brings back so much anguish for me. I'm so sorry you're in this position. PM me if you want to chat.
(Let me know if you want me to delete quote.)
Another person who understands.
I am so sorry that you are here and so sorry that you feel like your feelings are "wrong". I have no words of wisdom, so many hugs and thinking of you.
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." - Unknown
Post by mrsukyankee on May 18, 2016 15:50:29 GMT -5
Hi and hugs. I know my IF clinic had people that they could refer to for therapy - if you don't already have someone to talk to, they might be able to make suggestion. Therapy will be very helpful, even to have this conversation with your H.
I did think it was interesting when I was looking up the options the other day (which I can't believe, still) but the stats around this were pretty surprising - I'm not going to google again at work, but the surveys showed like 95% of women didn't regret it and 60% already had children and/or were married.
Whether these were biased stats, who knows, but surprising either way.
I put a website in my previous post about this. I was so surprised bh the numbers as well. I'm one of the already married, already had children. If talking would ever be helpful, I'm here.
Huge hugs. I'm sorry you're struggling but it's completely understandable given the situation. Whatever you're feeling is completely valid; it is a shocking development. Just know we're here for you, in whatever way(s) you might need.
Post by sapphireblue on May 18, 2016 15:59:04 GMT -5
Your feelings are not at all ridiculous or offensive. They really are very normal.
I too have a baby thanks to IVF with a donor egg. We are currently debating whether to try for a second with our frozen embryos.
But I am struggling with a lot of feelings around what a great little family we have right now, and what if my son is unhappy with attention being given to a new baby? What if the new baby is special needs in some way and that shortchanges my son in terms of time with us? And on and on...
And those questions are just hypotheticals around us choosing to try again. What you are dealing with is so much more loaded and difficult!
I know you said in a follow up post that you feel like you have to make a decision quickly. And of course time is a factor. However, you have a little bit of time. You're still in shock, I would imagine. You and your H will figure it out.
There really is no wrong decision here. Your daughter and your family will be great, whichever way you go with this.
I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I hope for you that clarity comes, and peace with what you decide.
Post by lexxasaurus on May 18, 2016 16:06:25 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you're struggling.
I've read similar stats, and I believe them. After I got my abortion, I was sitting in the recovery room next to this woman. She said she had two young children and this would have been her third. Of course it was not your situation, but she said she struggled because she was a mom, she was supposed to be excited about another child, you always hear "well you can make it work!" But, her and her husband hadn't planned it. It would have been hard financially, it would have been a strain on them to raise another young child, so in the end the decision was right for *her*.
All that word vomit to say that I know you feel forced but any option is going to be an okay option. Whatever choice you make will be the right one for your family because there is no wrong choice.
Just know you have so, so much support here. ((hugs))
I did too. If it's possible to have fewer than zero regrets about something, that's where I am. Just wanted to offer my support as well, in this odd way.
Post by peachykate on May 18, 2016 19:32:26 GMT -5
((Hugs))
I'm sorry you are struggling and nothing you said is ridiculous or offensive. Be kind to yourself and know it will ask be OK in the end no matter what you decide.
I was really against doing another pregnancy after Jax, even though I knew the chances of another pregnancy were next to nothing I went on the pill right away. DH finally talked me into it four years later but honestly I only agreed because I figured it would never, ever happen again. Right? After how bad my embryos were it would never happen again. Then it did, and I assumed is loose it. And I didn't.
I had mixed feelings for a lot of the pregnancy. I too, had made total peace with it just being the three of us and I was convinced this baby was going to ruin everything. It didn't but I worried about it until I came home with O.
For now all you need to do is breathe and know everyone is here for you!
We struggled to get pregnant with Will (nothing like what a lot of you have experienced though), and I didn't get pregnant until after I had to stop to have surgery. Then SURPRISE!
We struggled financially for so many years because we just weren't prepared at all. And then we dealt with all of his special needs and ultimately decided that we were one and done for so, so many reasons.
If I were to get pregnant now, I think I would probably have a lot of the same feelings you have. In fact, an unexpected pregnancy for me would end up in termination for more than one reason.
I'm not at all trying to make this about me. Just trying to relate in my own awkward way. Whatever you're feeling is completely okay. Don't feel guilty for having the emotions you have, because they're all completely valid.
I did not struggle with infertility and very much wanted a second...and had those same thoughts when I found out I was pregnant again. We will support you with whatever choice you make. Do you have someone you can talk to? Hugs.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
I can understand where you are coming from. Do what you need to do. Here is my experience that may have the same aspects: I had one daughter, and was done for the longest time. I was a teacher, managing one child was easy peasy and so affordable Then I got married and we tried to have kids. After a few years, We ended up doing an IUI with injectibles that ended up with my twins. We were complete. 3.5 years later, I get sick - very sick. So out of the ordinary for me - take a pregnancy test not really expecting anything. I wanted to cry - my twins were getting ready to start pre school, I had gone back to work part time, my oldest was starting high school. My husband had finished his apprenticeship and was starting to make a lot of money. I cried, and cried. I think I cried the whole pregnancy. And then he was born, I felt head over heels so intense - even more than the other children if that was possible. He has been such a blessing - he is calm, he is adaptable, and oh my goodness, his humor rounds off all this girl drama.
So, I hope this happens for you. But you know what, if it's not the right time, so be it. Take care, deep breaths, and lots of hugs.
Also, I've never been in your shoes, but someone close to me conceived #1 naturally but needed intervention with her second pregnancy, which resulted in twins. They took that on the chin and were happy, and felt that their family was complete with three kids. Four years later, she got pregnant. They talked it over, and talked to me. I said that I supported whatever they chose and that if they saw their family as complete with three, that was their right to decide. If they wanted to take a chance on a fourth, that was their right to decide. It was about what worked best for them as a family, emotionally, logistically, and financially.
They have three very beautiful preteens and no regrets.
Oh Rex, all of your feelings are valid. So many hugs. You know my situation before I miscarried after O. I think it'd be beneficial to talk to a professional, ONLY because I know the emotional terrorism of IF. You're such an awesome mom and L knows, I fucking guarantee you, that you love her until the end of the earth. But please don't demonize yourself for having mixed emotions, or hell, not mixed. You're a vibrant, complex, intelligent woman. You have time to reflect. And whatever you want to do is 110% the best thing.
I know this is all probably very irritating to read.
There is an IF blogger out there - our journey to a baby bump - she has DOR and endo and incompetent cervix? She used donor eggs AND a surrogate and somehow actually wound up pregnant naturally while the surrogate was carrying their twins.
She kept that baby and now has 3 under 1 year old.
She talked some about her worries about her son's being from a donor and carried by a surrogate and then the unexpected surprise pregnancy.
It's definitely a very tough situation emotionally.
Whatever you choose, you have 100% support. It's not an easy situation or decision.