the therapist i saw for my PPD/PPA specialized in therapy around reproductive areas-particularly women who had been through IF and late losses. do you think finding someone to talk to would help?
Hugs. I know you don't know me either but put me in line with those who say YOUR feelings are valid and whatever YOU choose for YOURSELF, YOUR BODY and YOUR FAMILY regardless of struggling with IF or not is YOUR decision and if ANYONE has ANYTHING to say about that to make you feel guilty or less then or ashamed, they can also answer to me.
I cannot IMAGINE putting myself in your shoes. My DH and I are child free by choice. But I empathize with you and you have my support and the support of the board.
Aw Rex. Your feelings are real because they are your feelings. You don't have to justify them, or explain them.
I think I can understand the total mindfuck this must be. Especially since it was a complete surprise...L was anything but a surprise. Surprise pregnancies throw everyone off, and that is without your previous belief that it was literally impossible for it to happen to you.
I will say, that WHATEVER you decide to be the right decision for you and your family is 100000% ok. If you decide that because of various factors that now isn't the right time, THAT IS OK. If you decide to move forward with this pregnancy, it is 10000% ok to not feel elated and ecstatic about what is to come. You will get there eventually should you decide to continue.
Let us know what you need. Sending you much much love. <3
This is exactly what I want to say as well. Feel what you need to feel and make the decision that is best for you and your family. Don't worry about feeling a certain way or making a certain choice. So many hugs to you!
Post by hopecounts on May 18, 2016 14:19:37 GMT -5
Huge hugs Rex. Surprise pregnancies are a mind fuck in the best of circumstances add that to the mind fuck of IF history and it's no wonder you are having a tough time right now. In the end you will make the best choice for your family and that is all that matters.
Everything you are feeling is valid, you've had such a long hard journey in order to get L and now this has thrown a wrench into your plans.
Please don't fell bad about venting to us, yes we each have our own journeys but none or our journeys are the same so if anyone gives you flack for feeling this way they will have to speak to the rest of us.
Post by squirrelymom on May 18, 2016 14:54:18 GMT -5
I think every emotion you're experiencing perfectly normal.
When I told my grandmother who was born in 1907 that I was pregnant with my second (I was 23) she leaned over, patted my knee, and said, "Honey, I'm so sorry." Lol. She went on to tell me about how every time she had a kid, they tried not to have another one but it just kept happening. She also told me she never was happy about having another one, but that it didn't change how much she loved them.
Point being, the emotions around pregnancy and having children are complicated at best. I think the whole idea of "all women who want to have a baby are ecstatic when they find out they are" is complete and utter bullshit. And has been for a very long time.
Please don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do or think that you "should" feel a certain way. It's a complicated situation that you weren't expecting, it's natural to have complicated and unexpected emotions and reactions. Honestly, I'd be surprised if you didn't.
he wanted me to know he was supportive of whatever I chose, because he doesn't want me to feel forced into this.
I have been here and it sucked tremendously. I know it's what they're "supposed" to say but of course it isn't that simple and it really puts the whole load on you. This just brings back so much anguish for me. I'm so sorry you're in this position. PM me if you want to chat.
Post by cabbagecabbage on May 18, 2016 15:06:18 GMT -5
I too found myself very upset knowing that my emotions over a surprise pregnancy would have really horrified and upset the IF me of five years ago. There is no right way to feel but you aren't alone in that. Every woman's experience of fertility, motherhood, and family planning is so different.
I did think it was interesting when I was looking up the options the other day (which I can't believe, still) but the stats around this were pretty surprising - I'm not going to google again at work, but the surveys showed like 95% of women didn't regret it and 60% already had children and/or were married.
Whether these were biased stats, who knows, but surprising either way.
I've always read this too, I think they hold.
I know you guys don't want to influence another - what if you wrote down on a paper what path you'd like to go and he wrote down on a paper what path he'd like to go, then you exchange the papers. I wonder if you guys are actually on the same page but don't want to influence or feel guilty to one another.
Post by gerberdaisy on May 18, 2016 15:15:16 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're in this situation.
An unexpected pregnancy is incredibly difficult, regardless of the circumstances. I'll never forget that week after finding out and the emotional rollercoaster it was deciding what to do.
Post by compassrose on May 18, 2016 15:24:54 GMT -5
((hugs)) Your situation has so many layers, I would be surprised if you weren't thrown.
I hope you do find a professional sounding boarding to help you sort through your feelings and make the right decision for your family.
Ignore me if this is a terrible suggestion, but I think I might consider going to the OB and having an ultrasound and seeing if a) it's a viable pregnancy and b) if hearing a heartbeat did make me feel a connection. I personally prefer to have more information to make decisions. (But depending on how you are leaning, it might not be the best path.)
Post by phdprocrastinator on May 18, 2016 15:26:14 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Whatever you choose, I hope you can get to a place where you can accept your feelings as valid. Honestly, my second was completely planned and I still had *many* moments where I wondered what I had done to ruin my perfect little family. I think this is a really common response to the second+ pregnancy (I know I've talked to other women about it). The truth is, having a second child will completely and forever change your family. For me, it has been worth it, but for others it may not be.
The benefit of living now is that there is a choice. You will get to choose either way. I think once the choice is made, you will find peace.
I know you guys don't want to influence another - what if you wrote down on a paper what path you'd like to go and he wrote down on a paper what path he'd like to go, then you exchange the papers. I wonder if you guys are actually on the same page but don't want to influence or feel guilty to one another.
I like this idea in theory, and I think it would be okay if we did actually write down the same thing, but I don't imagine it going well if we didn't write down the same thing. lol.
But then you'd know and you could tackle that conversation with knowledge, kwim?
So you mentioned that if he felt strongly one way or the other that it might be helpful for you to know that. Does he know that you feel that way? Is it possible he does have stronger feelings about it that he doesn't want to voice because he sees your position as the only important one? Could it help to tell him that you do want to know if he has strong feelings one way or the other (assuming you truly want to know)?
"You. You and your crazy life. You and your geographic anomaly. You and your drunken lesbianic ways and terrible navigational skills." - ProfArt and her holy baby