As I said on facebook, I'm regular black lol. I don't know my ancestry at all, but am asked at least weekly if I'm Ethiopian. But of course I have no clue. I was raised to be proud of being black and eating typical american things like soul food for family gatherings, but there was never much discussion about our roots or Africa. As I've gotten older I do sometimes wish I had a connection to somewhere as I most definitely don't feel super connected to being American, but do feel connected to being black. I do feel at "home" when I've been in Haiti, Cameroon, and a few other rural areas in southern Africa.
My boyfriend is British, first generation. His parents are from Trinidad. He's been living in the U.S. for I think about 15 years. He does most of the cooking and his cooking is definitely Caribbean.
We both grew up Christian and he's pretty against religion whereas I'm meh about it. We have some good philosophical/religious discussions.
Other than that our different cultures and upbringings don't really affect our relationship that much at all. I dated someone from Cameroon and that definitely brought some challenges since he wasn't used to Western culture, especially American culture and I wasn't used to his culture.
I have never dated someone not black and neither has he.
Post by dreamcrisp1 on Sept 6, 2016 13:11:50 GMT -5
I'm 1st generation Canadian and Guyanese. Bf is French/Italian/Scottish/Irish/whatever white thing you can think of. But his family spent a few years in Zimbabwe and his parents did a great job of immersing them in culture even though they lived in super white cities. His brother is married to a girl who is half Botswanian and half French Canadian.
Bf has done a great job of assimilating into my family, which is nice. He loves my moms food, (used to) eat spicier food than I did, and will regularly watch Indian movies with me or go to soca parties. Before him, I don't think I embraced my culture as much as I should have. He still can't understand my family and I when we're together though.
I could never date a Guyanese guy because we'd be so different. Bf and I are both agnostic/atheist and we have the same values. It makes life so easy.
Post by dr.girlfriend on Sept 6, 2016 13:15:50 GMT -5
I'm Indian. My DH is a mix of American Black / White / Native American on his mom's side, and his dad (who he didn't know growing up but reconnected with in his college years) is Ethiopian.
I had a lot of cultural conflicts with his mom, who was born-again Christian and very conservative Republican, but she passed away. (DH is born-again Christian as well but not at all interested in proselytizing or regular church attendance, and is very socially liberal so it creates zero conflict for us). We have joint frustration with his dad, but DH was the result of an affair and his dad is still with the "original" family he was cheating on, so there's all that weirdness there, as well as some things that are probably cultural (things are always planned at the last minute and end up happening hours later than planned, on what the kids refer to as "Ethiopian time", we get some intrusive comments about only having one kid, etc.) but our contact with that side of the family is very sporadic.
My parents are annoying as hell, but I don't think it has much to do with them being Indian, and they're pretty acculturated as they both came to the US in their 20's.
I'm black and my H is mixed race. His mom is white, from Canada and his dad is biracial (dad was a white English man/mom was a southern black woman).
For us, its not our races that can present challenges, its our upbringing. I was raised by my mom and stepfather. My stepfather was in the Air Force so that allowed me to live in Germany and Japan as a child. My H on the other hand grew up in poverty. I feel like he has to show a tough exterior due to his childhood and the difficulties that they faced. Including losing his young sister to gun violence. We are different on how we interact with people and tough situations. I am more open-minded, even keeled. And he can have a temper if he feels like he is being threatened in any way. Some situations I don't think it's malicious on the part of others but he will feel that way.
It is fucking mentally exhausting to speak in Portuguese to 2 people when a 3rd person only speaks English. The boys end up hearing more English anyway. It can feel defeating.
This is exactly our situation!
I know that "one parent one language" is advised, but the reality of living with a spouse who doesn't speak Spanish means that we mostly speak English at home. DD's daycare is 100% Spanish, which helps a lot, and I do read to her in Spanish and speak it when we are alone. My dad also talks and sings to her in Spanish. We are hoping to keep our kids in Spanish immersion through at least 5th grade, which is an option at the school we are zoned for (but spots assigned via lottery)
She doesn't know what is Spanish and what is English, but switches based on context & environment. So if I speak to her in Spanish at daycare, she goes along fine, but sometimes at home if I switch over, she gets confused and won't answer.
Anyway to answer the question, my dad was born & raised in Chile & my mom is a mix of Swedish/French/German/English. I am fluent in Spanish. My dad is the chef in the family and we eat a lot of Chilean foods, which I also make at home (empanadas, various salads, desserts, etc). We celebrate Chilean Independence Day.
DH was born here (and background is French/German), but lived in Indonesia from ages 8-18. He speaks Indonesian and has studied French & German at various points in school. He is very supportive of raising the girls to speak Spanish & connect with my family culture.
We were both raised conservative/Evangelical, but now attend a fairly liberal mainline church.
Post by kimibrighteyes on Sept 6, 2016 15:25:58 GMT -5
I am Indian (from India) and DH is Japanese. I was born in India and so closer to my roots than he is since his Grandparents came to Canada and he grew up learning only English. It hasn't been a huge issue for us although some people seem surprised at the combination of an Indian woman marrying a Japanese man. His family is very hands off and uninvolved but have always treated me well, so we get along okay. My parents are a little more in our business (especially since they live near us), but they like DH and he is great to them, so it all works out.
We have 3 kids who are an interesting mix of us. Unfortunately, my DD has inherited the Indian hairiness instead of her fathers lack of hair, so I may be posting about issues with regard to this in the near future.
We're both run-of-the-mill African-American slave descendants. I'm from the North, but one generation removed from the South, and my husband is a country boy, with the accent to match. We were both raised in similar, pro-black households, so we've never had any cultural issues to work through. Our families aren't very mixed either. I don't think there's a white person (or non-black) person around for miles on either side. I suppose we're a pretty insulated crew.
DH and I are both American black. He grew up in a traditional family with a stern military father. They moved a lot which caused him to not be close with his extended family. I grew up KS surrounded by extended family that I'm very close to. I feel like this is the biggest difference we have. He cannot understand why I need to be within driving distance from my hometown or why I worry about dd not being raised around family. I often feel his family is cold and disconnected which makes me sad. He also believes the children in my family are sassy and spoiled while I think his family is too harsh and limits expression in their kids. There will definitely be parenting hurdles in our future.
I grew up very active in a progressive baptist church and he grew up a C&E churchgoers. Finding a church has been difficult but our beliefs are fairly similar.
Post by thejackpot on Sept 6, 2016 15:39:17 GMT -5
At aqualuv, I liked it because the economic/ upbringing differences are the biggest difference in our relationship. We are both like kicks, regular black folks but I was raised in a two parent suburban home and he was raised by a single mom in an urban area. His idea of marriage, hell even the need for marriage itself was so different from mine. I also struggled with what is normal a lot initially.
At aqualuv, I liked it because the economic/ upbringing differences are the biggest difference in our relationship. We are both like kicks, regular black folks but I was raised in a two parent suburban home and he was raised by a single mom in an urban area. His idea of marriage, hell even the need for marriage itself was so different from mine. I also struggled with what is normal a lot initially.
this is a good point. My husband and I were both raised in working class, two-parent homes, and our parents valued education above all else. I think this has contributed to our compatibility even more than having similar ethnic and cultural backgrounds.
I'm Indian. H is white and Vietnamese. His dad was a soldier and met his mom during the war. His parents split up when he was young and he stayed with his mom, so he self-identifies as Asian. Because of that we have a good deal of overlap in terms of values.
H was born in Vietnam and I was born in the US, but I'm more in touch with my cultural roots than he is. Neither one of us speak our parents' native language, but I do make an effort to expose the kids to Indian food and traditions.
Yes. We're the same person lol. We're both from similar cities, both AA, born less than 2 months apart, and I never thought about it much, but both from pro-black families also. Mind you, my MIL would never give me that, as she definitely thinks of me as not pro-black enough (which, wtf, I'm basically in a constant state of keeping my fist raised), but I let her cook.
I forgot religion. H was raised Baptist, I was raised Catholic, with significant exposure to Islam. He no longer goes to church. I go rarely. We went sporadically when DS was young and feel not so great about that now. We have some religious differences but since, at this point, we're both basically heathens, we're fairly evenly yoked. I was sitting up high on my religious horse we met, but damn it if he didn't bring me to his level .
I hate that your ILs kept those language and cultural opportunities from your H, @natariru. Of course, I understand why, but it pained me to read it nevertheless.
My parents are annoying as hell, but I don't think it has much to do with them being Indian, and they're pretty acculturated as they both came to the US in their 20's.
Post by dreamcrisp1 on Sept 6, 2016 18:15:51 GMT -5
Also to add my bf is constantly confused by my close family relationship and the fact that I talk to my family every day. I feel like this is typical for Indian people but very atypical for white people. He's become much better at it since dating me, which his mom credits me for and I love. My dad and mom would do anything (and I mean anything) for me and he's always perplexed by that.
For example, my dad will bring me freshly cooked food so that I don't get stale food and my mom cooks it. Who does this? I don't ask for it but he loves doing it.
It was hard at first trying to get him used to it but he loves it now. He loves my parents a lot.
I mentioned in the "Bubble" thread, but I am Indian American and MH is Italian/Irish/other. In our day to day it isn't really challenging, but now that we have a baby things are a bit different. I guess I feel like maybe things are more pronounced since I want to make sure that she is exposed to my culture as well as his.
We are also different religions - I am Hindu and he was raised Catholic but doesn't really identify with it much. We decided we will raise BB with both religions as much as possible and as she gets older, she can make her own decisions. Right now that seems like the ideal, but we will see how it plays out I guess.
Also to add my bf is constantly confused by my close family relationship and the fact that I talk to my family every day. I feel like this is typical for Indian people but very atypical for white people. He's become much better at it since dating me, which his mom credits me for and I love. My dad and mom would do anything (and I mean anything) for me and he's always perplexed by that.
For example, my dad will bring me freshly cooked food so that I don't get stale food and my mom cooks it. Who does this? I don't ask for it but he loves doing it.
It was hard at first trying to get him used to it but he loves it now. He loves my parents a lot.
My H didn't get it either. My mom drives me insane but she's my mom! She helps me so much w the boys. But she's annoying, lol. H will be like "JUST DONT ANSWER THE PHONE." Yeah, no. That's not how this works.
sfy I get why it happened. They both regret it now and even H wishes he learned Spanish as a child. They did travel a ton to PR as a family when he was growing up. I think he has more cultural ties to the city where they grew up here in NJ than PR itself though.
LOL nope. She will keep calling. When I used to have a landline she would call there, if I didn't answer, she'd call my cell. She's better now and we have a "schedule" to talk
My H didn't get it either. My mom drives me insane but she's my mom! She helps me so much w the boys. But she's annoying, lol. H will be like "JUST DONT ANSWER THE PHONE." Yeah, no. That's not how this works.
sfy I get why it happened. They both regret it now and even H wishes he learned Spanish as a child. They did travel a ton to PR as a family when he was growing up. I think he has more cultural ties to the city where they grew up here in NJ than PR itself though.
LOL nope. She will keep calling. When I used to have a landline she would call there, if I didn't answer, she'd call my cell. She's better now and we have a "schedule" to talk
If I don't answer, my parents think I'm dead. I'm not even joking. My parents can drive me crazy too though but they just love me.
Post by barcelonagirl on Sept 6, 2016 18:57:09 GMT -5
I'm black and my husband is Indian and white. He's brown I'm brown lol. He never knew his father and was raised by his maternal grandparents who are white.
His whole family is white and then here we are lol.
It has caused issues. He recently apologized for trying to whitesplain Colin Kap to me. He's learning but stubborn.
Post by oliviapope on Sept 6, 2016 19:01:31 GMT -5
I am biracial (black and white) my SO is Mexican.
We have a lot of cultural differences, but outside of that his family is relatively normal and mine is absolutely bat shit. So I think that plays more of a part in our differnces than anything else.
Post by wesleycrusher4ever on Sept 6, 2016 19:09:05 GMT -5
My SO is white but we're both atheists from conservative Christian backgrounds. We have most conflicts with food, I don't think he's ever heard of seasoning lol And I am very close to my mother. I talk to her 5x a day, she stops by unannounced. She's spending weeks with us after the baby is born (and she lives 5 miles away!). He does not get it, but they get along. I grew up with more money than he did so we have some class differences, which is funny because we'll go to a benefit and I'll know all the people and someone who doesn't know us would prob assume I was the "outsider."
LOL nope. She will keep calling. When I used to have a landline she would call there, if I didn't answer, she'd call my cell. She's better now and we have a "schedule" to talk
If I don't answer, my parents think I'm dead. I'm not even joking. My parents can drive me crazy too though but they just love me.
lol I know. I get the same. I do it to them now too. But they're old and have health issues so I'm legitimately concerned.
My mom has learned to text and it's been a huge help.
Yes. We're the same person lol. We're both from similar cities, both AA, born less than 2 months apart, and I never thought about it much, but both from pro-black families also. Mind you, my MIL would never give me that, as she definitely thinks of me as not pro-black enough (which, wtf, I'm basically in a constant state of keeping my fist raised), but I let her cook.
I forgot religion. H was raised Baptist, I was raised Catholic, with significant exposure to Islam. He no longer goes to church. I go rarely. We went sporadically when DS was young and feel not so great about that now. We have some religious differences but since, at this point, we're both basically heathens, we're fairly evenly yoked. I was sitting up high on my religious horse we met, but damn it if he didn't bring me to his level .
I hate that your ILs kept those language and cultural opportunities from your H, @natariru. Of course, I understand why, but it pained me to read it nevertheless.
I married the male version of myself too. Lol. We're nine days apart, and are both messy heathens with no morals. Love that dude!
@foodielicious I remember asking my uncle where I could buy an Indian flag during one of my visits. He looked at me like I was nuts and explained that it was next to impossible.
(Related tangent: I do have a mini flag in my cube at work that I bought from Ellis Island. Someone seriously asked me if it was the Portuguese flag. Uhh. No.)
Post by borinquen57 on Sept 6, 2016 20:11:07 GMT -5
He's Puerto Rican too and we were both raised in evangelical homes but I feel that's where the similarities end. He's white and I'm black, and I feel that in the current racial climate we're in there are certain things that he doesn't understand even though he's Latino; I also never realized that he's as conservative as he is. The older I get, the more I realize he and I have nothing in common. :?
He's Puerto Rican and we were both raised in evangelical homes but I feel that's where the similarities end. He's white and I'm black, and I feel that in the current racial climate we're in there are certain things that he doesn't understand even though he's Latino; I also never realized that he's as conservative as he is. The older I get, the more I realize he and I have nothing in common. :?
That dude I married is becoming more and more conservative so that's working out for us. Except, like not.
cubed yes. Both of my parents are aging and it's so hard. My parents actually lived with us for a month last year after my mom had a massive heart attack. It was like having two children. Their health is steadily declining and we're trying to urge them to move closer. Thankfully (I guess) in our culture, the son is "responsible" so they will likely end up with my older brother but I have a feeling we will split custody (if you will).
Similar to you, there's an unspoken rule of not speaking out against your elders but we've sort of tossed that out the window when push comes to shove. But it comes with it's own issues as well. There are so many layers of complication.
You know, it is weird to read what I type about my own mom. She raised me never to speak against her or an elder. But our relationship has devolved drastically in the last year or more and I have had it with her. I thought it was cultural differences where I am not supposed to question anything she says but I hear from my aunts and cousins who say she throws a fit and twists things around and makes a mountain out of a mole hill.
My husband married me a long time ago knowing that we might have to take her in to live with us one day since that is what my culture does and I am an only child. Sadly, we are at a point where I don't think that is possible anymore. My mom refuses to see a therapist despite my dragging her to family sessions and my attending individual ones. My own DH has gone to counseling to try and figure out how to deal with her. That man is a saint.
Sorry for the tangent. Anyone else expected to take care of parents in old age?
I'm sorry about your mom. That sounds rough. I don't know if they expect it, but we've already told both sets that it ain't happening. Problem solved!
But for real, my SIL is plenty wealthy and actually likes her mom, so she can have her. My parents are cool, but one of my older sisters is way nicer than me and basically owes them everything, so we're covered on that front too. I'll chip in for a good home or a good nurse, but no one is living in my house.
Post by Queen Mamadala on Sept 6, 2016 20:36:18 GMT -5
I'm Black and white, and he's white. We're both atheists. He grew up in Fresno, CA, and I grew up in WA, East Bay/Bay Area and San Diego. I also briefly lived in Germany, and lived in NC, VA and GA before moving back to CA a few years ago. He comes from an UMC family in the suburbs and his parents are progressive Christians that never really went to church, and still don't. He was never really religious.
My parents divorced when I was young. My dad remarried and became super fundie religious a la Jerry Falwell. My mom is not religious at all. My upbringing was somewhat interfaith in that it was very progressive/breezy with my mom, and more conservative/religious with my father and stepmom (also Black). I lived with them my senior year and was super active in the church, but it was more of a "go through the motions" deal, rather than being really into it. By mid-senior year I knew I would move back to my mom's after I graduated, which I did. The day after. I eventually met exH, also white, who was partly raised IFB like me, and we got sucked back into the church and were super fundie for a while.
With my now-husband, there are obviously differences in our backgrounds and what we were exposed to. There are things that are part of my culture growing up that he doesn't quite get, like slang and aspects of Black culture, but that has a lot to do with, well, our environment and surrounding when we were growing up. He had a more typical white UMC suburban upbringing with very few POC in his neighborhood or social circle. I mean, it's Fresno. Lol Whereas my formative years were spent between more diverse major cities like San Diego and the Bay Area.