I'm not doing well at all. Long.

[hisno1girl]

I'm desperately trying to get my mojo back enough to go to dinner for my BFFs birthday tonight but I've been in a major funk this week.

I had chemo on Monday, a slight setback in that I'm being taken off my other chemo meds, and lots of feeling sorry for myself.

I know I'm dehydrated because I only drank 20 oz. of water yesterday but I really have to force down warm water.

I can't drink, eat, or touch anything cold. I had four spoons of oatmeal yesterday and two bites of a PB&J. The day before that, I had 1/2 a slice of toast and a few noodles. I had some slices of a pear but that came right back up.

Oh, and since I'm having loss of motor skills in my hands, DH has had to feed me, help me dress, and help me brush my teeth. On top of that, I crapped my pants and had to clean the bathroom and take a shower so I wouldn't subject DH to a stinking mess.

I have long term disability paperwork to fill out but I can't write, so DD and Kiki are coming over to do that for me.

DH is getting on my nerves because all he does is tell me to eat and drink. He means well, but he's annoying me.

I'm tired, but I feel like I can't complain. It's only been three months since my diagnosis and there are people who have to do this shit for years, like DH.

I called the PA at the oncologists office and she said this is a cumulative effect of four rounds of chemo, so it will probably get worse between now and February when it's supposed to end.

I tried support groups but I don't feel like it's a right match for me. The last one I went to, the people just seemed, I don't know...fake? No one talked about the possibility of dying. No one talked about being mad or feeling depressed.

Honestly, this is my safe place where I can say that I'm fucking furious that I'm sick. I'm mad as hell that I might miss out on so much of my grandchildren's lives. If I said that at that support group, those delicate flowers would probably faint.

I'm not going to give up, but fighting is hard and no one really understand unless they've gone through it themselves.

Thank God for talk to text because without it, I'd be screwed. I feel like a bit of a dork dictating to my phone, though. lol

I feel a little bit better getting this off my chest.

thanks for letting me vent.

[pantsparty]

I'm really sorry his. I am so sorry you're suffering

[Gato]

Big hugs, His.

[zoomzoom]

Many, many T&P's for you. Vent away. {{hugs}}

[gretchenindisguise]

I'm glad you have this place to express your honest feelings. You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be pissed. You're allowed all of that, and eff anyone who doesn't get that.

[Deleted]

Oh V, I'm so sorry. Cancer is such a cruel disease and you have every right to feel angry and frustrated and annoyed. I wish I lived close by and could offer some help, but I continue to pray for you and your family. ❤

[calle28]

I'm so sorry His. So many prayers for you!

[roadbananas]

Many, many hugs to you! I cannot imagine everything you are going through.

Vent as much as you need!

[bex1973]

Sending you so much love His, sorry your struggling.

[cuddlyevil]

{{{{{{{{{hisno1girl}}}}}}}}

[styme46]

All the T&P's to you. (((Hugs))) friend.

[mellymel]

I'm really sorry. Truly. It's not fair. I think of you often.

[northeastern]

So many hugs 😞

[Mrs. Meerkat]

So many hugs!! We're always here for when you need an ear.

And I'm not sure if you want any suggestions, but have you tried the baby food pouches? Not sure how good they would taste, but at least you could get some fruits and veggies and nutrients without it (hopefully) being too hard on your stomach.

[jinkies]

I'm so, so sorry. Please use us to vent. Everyone needs a safe place where they can be honest. There is so little we can do from the other side of a computer screen, but listening and providing a place for you share your feelings honestly is one thing we can do for you.

[Deleted]

hisno1girl,I am so sorry you have had setbacks. Maybe some time with your friend tonight may help salvage a nasty week. All the hugs coming your way

[rex]

(((his))) cancer sucks. vent here and feel however you feel. we are here.

[rachel6789]

I'm so sorry, His. Are IV fluids an option? Maybe go in for a couple of hours just to get hydrated? That might make you feel a little bit better. You're being so strong. Hang in there!

[mel]

A great big FUCK YOU to cancer.

I'm so sorry his.

[calamity]

I'm really sorry, and I think all of your feelings are normal and valid. I wish there was some way to make it all better for you.

Hugs hugs

[tellmesomethingood]

Fuck cancer. I'm so glad this can be your place to vent. We're here anytime. Sending you so much love.

[gogadgetgo]

Huge hugs to you

[ECB]

I'm sorry. Many hugs.

[marvine]

I'm so sorry. Sending you many thoughts and prayers.

[eddy]

Get mad His. Get mad. It truly isn't fair.

I am sorry you are not doing well. I still think you are a very strong woman.

[idahome]

His: I am so sorry you're suffering setbacks. I would be raging at everything right now were I in your shoes.

Please, please continue coming here to rage, vent, ask for hair pats or anything in between. I know I am just an internet stranger, but if there is anything you need (even if it's someone else to vent to) please let me know. I'm a great texting friend.

Hugs for you you.

[followyourarrow]

I'm sorry His. You have every right to be mad and feel down.

[lookforstars]

I'm so, so sorry you're having to go through all this. You are in my prayers.

[iamali]

Sending you so much love.

[lolo]

Fuck the delicate flowers. These are normal feelings.

Do you know what my grandma did in her final weeks? Cried about everything she would miss. Worried about who would take care of her kids and her grandkids. Wondered if all the things she did to make the world a better place would stop being done.

And this is from someone who endured a marriage to an alcoholic without complaint.

You feel all the feelings. The rage, the sadness, the frustration. They are all normal and all OK to feel.