Update. Long. Kinda morbid.

[hisno1girl]

I'm two weeks out from my surgery and I was getting along quite well until Wednesday.

I usually vomit once or twice a day but I don't get nausea. I can just be sitting there and in one second I'm off to bathroom.

On Wednesday I was sick and even though I had a pillow pressed into my abdomen, the pain was horrific. To top it off, Kiki was over and she stepped down really hard on my incision.

I'm still a little sore but it seems to be improving.

My surgeon called me and said that after meeting with the fellows, their suggestions are either come back for the same procedure (surgery/chemo) or just try chemo. The only thing is that the chemo would be done at MDA and I would have to be there between 5-6 weeks.

I don't want to be away from my family for that long.

On Monday I met with my oncologist and told her what the surgeon told me. She said she's going to call the surgeon and discuss chemo because there no reason for them to make me go to Houston if I can get the chemo here. If the chemo is part of the clinical trials, I wouldn't have a choice as those must all be conducted at MD Anderson.

I didn't hear from her all week and I was kind of glad because I don't know what to do.

I'd like to buy more time but I really don't know that I could emotionally handle being away from home for that long.

The neuropathy on my hands and feet is so bad. My hands are so cold (even though I wear gloves almost all the time) that running then under warm/hot water feels like each drop of water is a needle being stuck in my fingers. My feet feel like I'm walking in gravel and there's nothing that can be done. It's a permanent side effect of the chemo.

On a good (?) note, I finished all of my end of life planning. I picked out our plots, my casket, the liturgy and music for the Mass. There are some people that I want to take roles in my funeral like pall bearers and readings at the funeral but I don't know if I should ask them now or just have my family ask them when I'm gone. The only people I've asked to participate are my two friends who are priests. They said they would concelebrate the Mass, so that's a big weight off my shoulders.

Should I ask them now?

My childhood BFF is in town. We met in the second grade and graduated from HS together. She moved away for college and never came back.

We reconnected on FB and we picks up right where we left off.

Her dad's birthday party is tomorrow and she insisted that I come as a surprise to her parents, who I absolutely adore, because they haven't seen me in 25 years.

I'm afraid that this will be the last time I ever see her again.

I'm being very down in the dumps right now because thinking about your own death can really fuck with your head.

[bex1973]

Oh His - so many hugs. I can't imagine how hard this is.

Damn, it's a tough call on asking those you want to participate. I think I would want to ask because I'm a control freak and it's one thing I could control in that moment.

[underwaterrhymes]

Oh his.

I don't have the right words. But I'm so sorry you have to think about any of this. ❤

[styme46]

I know when we pre-planned for my dad, the only people he asked to participate in advance were the pastors. We asked everyone else after he passed. I think either way is probably fine.

Huge hugs, friend. I love you in a non-creepy, internet friends for 13 years kind of way.

[W.T.Faulkner]

His. I'm so sorry. This is so much shit to think about. I am thinking of you all the time and sending you all the love I can.

[05heel]

Oh, His. I wish I had some real wisdom for you. To answer your question, yes I would ask them now if you're comfortable. I hope you can come to a treatment decision that will give you and your family some peace.

[nicanmatt]

Oh, His. I'm so sorry. I can't begin to image how much this would fuck with someone's head. And still, you are so full of life and joy that you spend time with family and surround yourself with those who love you.

Whatever you decide is ok. I will pray for you and your family, and doctors too.

[lilafowler]

Big hugs.
We love you lady.

[nachos]

Thinking of you. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now.

((gentle hugs))

[sarahbear]

Hugs and love. There is no right or wrong way to be doing things. If you'd like to ask your loved ones now to take part in the service then do it. If it's too much then leave it for after. I can see a benefit to asking now because then perhaps you can say anything that's on your heart to tell them. But that can also be draining. Again, no right or wrong.

I'll continue to pray for you. For peace, strength and healing.

[ladystardust]

The biggest of hugs to you. I would do what you are most comfortable with. I don't think there is a wrong answer there.

[mcsangel2]

Hugs to you, V.

I don't blame you one bit for being unwilling to go to Houston for the chemo. It's totally reasonable to spend that time with your family.

I thought about how I would feel if I had a friend with a terminal diagnosis wanting me to take a part in the funeral. I think you should ask them. It's a way to emphasize to them how much they mean to you, and it might also give them some form of closure later on.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

[emnm]

I am so so sorry. I don't want to not respond. Hugs, peace and love to you.

[Captain Catnip]

Oh, his. *hugs* Whatever you decide is the right decision for you and your family. I can only begin to imagine how difficult this is.

[Eagles]

❤️❤️❤️

I think you could probably write a note to each of the people you would like to have a role in the mass, and then if the moment never feels right to ask them in person, you can ask that they be given the notes when the time comes.

[Saint Monica]

Know how much you mean to everyone.

[Leeham Rimes]

I'm sorry his. I don't have any advice or insight but didn't want to read and not comment.

I think of you and pray for you daily. <3

[greenlight]

Oh, his I'm sorry. You are so strong. <3 <3

[pinkeggs]

I just want to give you hugs. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this. I think you can ask them if you're comfortable.

[hungrycaterpillar]

Love you, V. I'm sorry for the decisions you are dealing with. Prayers for peace to you.

[sherbanator]

Hugs to you, I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Deleted]

Oh V. I wish I could give you so many hugs.

[Jalapeñomel]

Sending you a lot of love friend. ❤❤❤

[JayhawkGirl]

You are so very loved

[jezebel]

You're so strong, his. I think it's amazing that you have been able to do everything you do.

[miniroller]

Oh dear His ❤❤❤ Those are huge, giant hugs that I sincerely wish I could wrap you in right now. So Much!

Ok, as far as funeral participants: totally up to you, either way is definitely acceptable. (But because I think I know you well enough to predict):
PLEASE don't stress yourself out about the possibility of your H or daughter stressing about asking/ having to do this step of planning. I'm positive all who are asked will consider it an honor & will make it tremendously easy on the asker, whether it's you now or them later.
Please keep us updated, talk/ vent as much as you want/ need/ can/ wish. You're in my daily prayers.

[winecat]

Sending you love.

[kittyb]

((Hugs)) ❤️❤️❤️

[panicfoot]

((((His))))

You are a remarkable person.

[Deleted]

Sending love and light. I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much pain and discomfort. ❤❤