Post by oldbaylover1024 on May 3, 2018 8:52:00 GMT -5
I am here. I am ready.
LET'S DO THIS.
Tl;dr - A close family member told me she was polyamorous, made me keep it a secret for almost a year, then it all went south and she's finally getting her shit together. This saga lasted over 2 years. Seriously.
So, a long time ago in a far away land, there was a girl named Martha. Martha and Shane were dating and living together in a house with Shane's two pre-teen kids (both from his previous marriage). The kids came from a rough background (drug-addicted mother, abuse by a stepfather, etc.) and they really leaned on Martha as a mother figure. She embraced this role and spent a lot of solo time with the kids, went to school functions/meetings, engaged with the court system, and was in the process of trying to gain partial custody with Shane. Marriage had been discussed and Shane was basically saving enough money to buy Martha a ring. They were together over 5 years when all this was happening.
Then, Martha started up with an MLM and met a woman named Becky. Becky was deep in the MLM life and was sort of a mentor for Martha. They became close and over time Becky introduced Martha to Becky's personal life... her polyamorous life. Becky was dating a few women and a few men, none exclusively or 'seriously' - they were all just having fun, keeping it casual.
Fast forward to a MLM conference Martha and Becky attended together out of state. They started sexting and messaging and flirting and then they kissed. It stayed at a kiss, but Martha and Becky really liked each other. Martha came home from the conference and told Shane she was bisexual now and she and Becky wanted to start seeing each other. Shane was shocked. Martha had never indicated she was into women so he was taken aback. BUT he supported Martha 110% and said if she needed to do this to find herself, then he was on board. Shane loved her and wanted her to be happy.
Martha started bringing Becky to their house; she was introduced to Shane's kids; and Martha, Becky, and Shane started a polyamorous relationship. HOWEVER, Martha told Shane he wasn't allowed to see anyone but her, but Martha could date Becky and anyone else she wanted. Shane was pissed, but went with it to maintain the status quo. Plus, he didn't really want to date anyone else and, when he tried, other women just didn't get/accept the polyamorous lifestyle, so he never got anywhere with other women.
This is about the time Martha told me and said not to tell anyone. Martha is my cousin and we're v v v v close, so that was an issue for me. But I kept her secret and didn't tell a soul.
Martha and Shane broke up. This was bound to happen. It went south because Martha was spending all her time with Becky, she stopped having any relationship with Shane (physical and emotional), and distanced herself from the kids. Martha moved out and moved in with Becky and Becky's two pre-teen kids (from a previous marriage - before she went polyamorous). Shane threw her stuff out and said, "Good riddance." Shane is now engaged to a lovely woman and they're building a house and planning a wedding. It all worked out for Shane.
Martha, however, became Becky's bitch. Martha didn't have a job or any money; Becky has an accounting degree and tax preparation knowledge, but didn't want to work a real job. So... Martha and Becky found sugar daddies and mommas to fund their lives. They literally joined every site you can imagine and found women and men to sleep with for money or food or bills or whatever. It became... extreme and dangerous.
Becky also started leaving Martha at home for weeks at a time. Martha was taking care of Becky's kids and maintaining the house will Becky visited her boy/girlfriends and barely saw her own children. Martha eventually flipped and the kids' dad stepped in to get full custody. The kids are with him full-time now - thank goodness.
So Martha comes home one night and all her stuff is on the front yard. Becky kicked her out with no warning or explanation. Turns out Becky was getting serious with one of the sugar mommas and wanted her to move in, so Martha had to go.
Martha had to go begging to her mother for a room. Obviously, her mom took her in and it worked out fine, but when her mom found out about the lifestyle Martha was living, she flipped. Martha's mom requires Martha see a therapist, keep a job, and go back to school. Martha did all of that and is doing well now - she's medicated, she's working, and she's getting her medical assistant degree this fall.
To step back, Martha's mom didn't take the bi/gay news well. She's very conservative and had a tough time with it. But now, things are fine and she's very supportive of Martha's gay lifestyle. It really all worked out with them.
The rest of the family was fine from the get-go. Martha thought it was this huuuuge deal that she was gay. When it wasn't a big deal for anyone, she was upset and cut us off for a while. Like she was mad we didn't fawn over her. She's gay... it's NBD.
Now it's NBD all around and Thanksgiving is fine LOL
Post by oldbaylover1024 on May 3, 2018 8:57:35 GMT -5
In other news, next week we're registering my DD for kindergarten. Hold me. I may have some questions about scheduling, lunches, homework, etc. I know there are lots of K moms here. Help me!
So mine pale in comparison, but DD is kicking ass in kindergarten. You guys may remember that her bitchy preschool teacher wanted her in OT for her handwriting. A child psychologist told us to knock that shit off because it meant twice a week we were telling DD she was terrible at handwriting. Now while her handwriting isn’t the best in the class, it’s probably a little better than average. Her kindergarten teacher hasn’t complained at all.
One of my coworkers is now going through the same thing. Perfectly normal 4 year old who doesn’t have great handwriting. Preschool teacher who is pushing OT. Pediatrician who rolled eyes at the thought. I told him don’t waste their time and money or put their son through it.
Wow, oldbaylover1024, I'm going to need some time to digest this. It sounds like a reality show! Good riddance to Becky. I'm a K'indy mom so ask away.
DD1 told me last night while she was getting ready for bed that "Drunk Uncle" drinks a lot and pees in his bed. I have to believe she saw or heard something when we weren't there because what 5 year old can make this up out of nowhere? She probably thought about it because I was telling her to go potty before bed.
DH is fully recovered from his vasectomy and being sick.
oldbaylover1024 - thank you thank you thank you!!! I’ve been curious to know how things ended up. Poly amorous is shocking but gay is not IMO - was Martha needing shock value? Is this the end of the story and she’s now a normal person again? I hope so! Go mom.
Man, this parenting thing never ends. I hope if my kids get paid for sleeping around that I never know! SS started talking about how we have no idea some of the things he’s done and tried to elaborate about “things with girls” and I almost jumped out of the car when he really started to elaborate on what and frequency. While I was the driver and the car was moving. I left it at “you had STD tests done, go to a meeting and share your story”.
Kinder is AWESOME. Best age. You will love it! I’m sad DS’ kinder year is ending.
Post by oldbaylover1024 on May 3, 2018 9:22:14 GMT -5
mommyatty - I'm glad DD is doing better with her handwriting and in kindergarten in general. I remember the OT discussions... crazy.
mellym - I'll be asking for advice for sure! And glad to hear YH's procedure went smoothly. MH had a V last April and it took a year for him to recover. He was the 1:1,000,000 where the procedure had complications. Poor guy... it was bad. It took the full year for his, um, places to get back to normal.
You guys have missed a lot of crazy shenanigans in my life the past year LOL!
I went and picked out my own glasses yesterday without DH. I got home the same time he did and he didn't even ask where I had been. I didn't tell him that I picked out new glasses, so I'm waiting for him to say something or ask if we're going to look today. I'm tired of him not caring or even pretending to give a shit about me. And he claims that I'm the selfish one...
oldbaylover1024, that story completely confused me the first go round, but I think I tracked it pretty well this time. If accounting doesn't work out for you, I see a novel in your future.
Post by oldbaylover1024 on May 3, 2018 9:27:54 GMT -5
2chatter - I think Martha was looking for shock value, yes. I mean, honestly, on that side of the family there isn't a gay person or couple (that I know of), so I think she was looking for us to fawn over her. Meh.
Regarding Martha currently, she's still finding herself. Becky was her first same-sex relationship and it ended so poorly and was so unconventional that Martha doesn't really know what a REAL gay relationship looks like. Plus, she and Becky were never monogamous, so that's a factor, too. IDK... I'm glad Becky is out of the picture. All I ever told Martha was that she deserved better; she deserved happiness; she didn't deserve to be treated like a part-time girlfriend. I hated the way Becky put Martha down all the time.
Plus, during all this, Martha lost over 50 lbs. She started having gastric issues and eliminated dairy and gluten and dropped a TON of weight. She'd always been a bit on the heavy side and tried diets and stuff, but never had success. But with Becky she wasn't healthy - she always looked gray and malnourished (they were broke and couldn't afford decent food). Now that she's living with her mom again, she's healthier and looks so much better.
I'm glad it's all over. Now she just needs to find a girlfriend
Post by justcheckingin73 on May 3, 2018 9:36:22 GMT -5
Wow@oldbaylover1024! I don’t think I ever heard the full story so this was a great recap and update! I’m busy as hell today but so glad I stopped in 😉.
I may have provided an update on this already but my SS moved out. When he moved back from AZ, he was supposed to move into his mom’s townhouse (she lives with her boyfriend and basically rents out her townhouse to SS and his cousins/friends) and needed a place for two weeks. Apparently the reason he was here for a month is that she decided to sell her townhouse. Way to go Mom - tell your son he can move back, he has a place to stay and then sell it. Anyway, he’s staying with friends and hopefully has a more permanent place soon. I’m just happy to have my house back.
Oldbaylover I’ve been anxiously waiting for this update. I’m just shocked at the whole series of events. I’m glad Shane is doing well.
I’m Week 4 of not having a district manager and week 3 of not having a direct boss. Neither position has been posted yet. I’ve absorbed some of my former boss’s duties now. I’m getting overtime every week and hoping I’m not forgetting anything. Right now I’m thankful to be nonexempt.
We got DD registered for kinder last week! Such a relief. Now we have to deal with before/aftercare.
I stopped by the onsite care program. I don't know if my expectations were too high, I got there at the wrong time, or some combination of the two. So I would like feedback here from other's perspectives...
DD's DC is great. We've been there since she was 3 months old and it's had it's ups and downs, but overall, we've been happy with it. The rooms are light and bright, there's no shortage of toys, etc. When I pick her up, they've moved out of academic mode and into aftercare mode, and there are tons of age-appropriate activities. There are only a handful of days that I've picked her up that she wasn't actively engaged in something - reading, playing, drawing.
I stopped by the new place at about 4:30 and was there for maybe 15 minutes. My visit was unannounced. I tried calling and kept getting an answering machine with no message and no room in it. DH managed to get a person on the line who wasn't very clear and just told us to drop by, so that's what I did. The room had two teachers and a lot of kids. I didn't count. One teacher was a sub, and one was a regular teacher. The location is an old bungalo, it was kind of dreary (which is probably part of why I didn't view it favorably, I'll admit that), and I didn't notice a whole lot of toys/activity stuff for the kids (maybe this is normal). Mostly, I was just struck by the fact that the kids looked bored.
Is this normal type stuff for an onsite before/aftercare program? I'm sending DH this afternoon so that he can get a feel for it.
I don't know what we do if it doesn't work out. And we're not even sure we can get her into it or when we'd find out. (The teacher I spoke to seemed confused about if they had openings or not or the process. There was a bit of a language barrier and she kept asking if I was trying to register her for preschool. But she was also distracted by all the kids.)
Her current center has the option of bussing her there and handling aftercare - the cost would be about $50 more (for just aftercare vs. the cost of before/aftercare) than the rates at the onsite center, and they don't offer before care. (And this doesn't factor in the fact that the onsite care is already $400/month more than I'd budgeted for based on what a coworker pays for a similar program.)
If it weren't for the eleventy million early dismissal days, I could see about working out finding a babysitter to watch her in our house after school for a couple hours, but that would get inconvenient/expensive really fast.
I am also probably overthinking the whole thing, but that's one of the things in life I excel at...
oldbaylover1024, whew! I feel like I just watched a CW soap opera! I'm glad that everything worked out for Shane and Martha is doing well now.
Related to handwriting of new writers...my 8 yo 2nd-grader (DS) still writes the first letter of his name the same size as all the other letters. I've never heard one word from any of the 4 teachers (he did young 5's K) he's had so far. I mentioned to him the other day how we need to work on that the rest of the school year.
I also loved the years the kids were in Kinder, and they had an awesome teacher, too.
Post by oldbaylover1024 on May 3, 2018 10:08:39 GMT -5
Thanks for the kindergarten support! I'm anxious, but excited for DD. She's very social and loves meeting new friends, so I think she'll enjoy that aspect. Her preschool also did a great job preparing her for a classroom setting.
k3am - Is it possible to schedule a follow-up meeting with the center to find out what the deal is? I'm also not sure what ratios are in your state, but it sounds like they were overwhelmed when you visited, that's for sure. BUT you also got an honest view of the place.
It's a hard place to be - aftercare around here is really hard to come by, so I understand the struggle.
k3am - I have seen three local aftercare programs and would not be excited about any of them. It’s why it’s been a mad scramble here - I either hired someone or picked up the kids or signed them up for on site after school activities so I could finish work and get them at 4:00. I do think they are fine - even as described - but not stellar, you know? It’s kind of choose your stress: less than stimulating care or coverage for random school holidays. I hate that other choices are either $$$ or unicornish.
I do think aftercare matters WAY less for bigger kids - second grade and up or so I’d be more down with the programs. The kids have homework and reading to do, they have better judgment and there’s less drama.
Also, what age do people keep their kids in aftercare until??? I know that by 3rd grade, I was home alone until my mom got home from work, but I also know a lot of what I did as a kid doesn't fly today.
I’m home so it’s hard for me to answer. This week the sitter is sick for the first time so DD has been walking DS home. This happened when the girls were the ones in fourth and kinder, but my middle is worried about being kidnapped. So....I think it’s super kid dependent. Oldest and youngest would have been fine probably. Middle won’t stay home alone while I walk next door.
I was latchkey in fourth grade.
People keep telling me it’s more important to be home 13+ which is stressing me out because omg I don’t know that I will WFH for the next 12 years.
k3am, here the expectation here seems to be to keep them in until they are a rising 7th grader. I am tempted to send mine to the after school Y program. More to do rather than hanging out in the gym at school. Also then I can come work out and then get him. Maybe. we are 2 years out from that.
oldbaylover1024, oh wow. We missed a lot. I am glad Shane is doing well and not hung up on her anymore. As for Martha I am glad that her mother is making her go to therapy and work towards a future. Hopefully she continues on that track and is able to find a stable relationship.
Updates for me: Baby is still active and kicking. She loves her brother's laugh. I mean full on squirming mode when he is laughing/giggling.
DH is filling out his application for the job, but still isn't sure if he is going to submit it. That at least buys us another week of debating. I think he is understanding my position more and more but isn't ready to accept it.
Post by HeartofCheese on May 3, 2018 10:58:39 GMT -5
I am meeting with the head of our branch about my lack of promotion in about 2 hours. After meeting with my boss and being told we miscommunicated about my prospects, I wrote a timeline type of email to my boss's boss (the head of our branch) indicating my achievements each year, which and when opportunities were handed out to young single men with less experience, and how I was essentially the next one up to go for a promotion when the new promotional structure was introduced thus pushing me back a level (b/c I have been doing the "new positoin" for years). So not only did I not get the promotion I was working on for 2 years, but I didn't get acknowledged for the job I was already doing b/c they felt that two young men had surpassed my expectations with opportunities I was not offered, but should have been b/c of my rep and experience. Also another WM was also passed over who had similar circumstances, but was not actively pursuing her promotion like I was.
I don't know what to say or what's going to happen. I think I'm basically going to take the stance that I've said my piece, hope that it puts me on the radar for promotions later this year, and try not to get fired.
I've also been essentially mourning the loss of 50% of my time with my children as I've tried to accept that I have absolutely no chance at trial b/c my attorneys bungled it so badly. I'm actually the bad guy in this. There are literally 3 people in the entire world who don't see my X as abusive to my kids and they are all the decisionmakers in my case.
PDQ, obvs.
I promise my next post will not be me being Debbie Downer and will be super fucking funny.
HeartofCheese, my doom and gloom mind says that you're taking the right steps elevating the issue. If it's to the point you're worried about being fired, having documentation that you elevated concerns about discrimination and were subsequently fired, you're on much stronger footing for subsequent legal action (or just the threat of it). Hopefully, it doesn't get to that point.
Post by covergirl82 on May 3, 2018 11:11:05 GMT -5
k3am , our school aftercare program only goes through 5th grade. Depending on how much I trust my kids once they are 6th graders, I will either have them take the bus home (if they are trustworthy) or take the bus to my friend's house (my friend who is their former in-home DCP (although she takes them in the summer), if they are not trustworthy). Another possible option would be to go to the friend's house where they currently get on the bus in the morning. The dad is a high school teacher and gets home around the time the middle school bus drops off at their house. If none of those options turn out to be viable, I will switch my hours to try and be home by 3:30.
2chatter , I've heard the same thing about being home when kids are teenagers. I do remember a few things from my teenage years that my parents still do not know about (nor will I ever tell them). Most days I went home and watched TRL, but one time when I was a senior in high school I brought a boy home that I liked/he liked me (all we did was kiss, but I'm still not telling my parents a word) and then took him home before my parents got home. (And now, as an adult, I think about how bad that might have turned out if he had been a bad guy (i.e., rapist), because he was a football player and wrestler and a lot stronger than me.)
We don't have home security cameras, but if I can't get home around the time the kids get home when they are in middle/high school, I will be getting security cameras and putting them everywhere.
Also, k3am , +1 to overthinking everything. I think I need to switch careers and work in disaster/emergency preparedness, because I'm good at thinking about/planning for just about every scenario imaginable.
oldbaylover1024, wow! Glad Shane is doing well and has found a happy place. Go Martha's mom! You have a very juicy novel to write when you get free time,
k3am, DD before/after care isn't much to look at. There seems to be a ton of kids in a small modular but the kids all get a snack, lots of outside time, homework help, and crafts (I'm talking big cool crafts not coloring). When there are lots of kids it looks like chaos. In the morning when there isn't a ton or later in the pm you will find the staff coloring, crafting, snuggling with the kids. They are also super flexible with schedules, lets the kids change for sports or eat dinner before pick up if it is a sport night, and have a super cheap no school day fee. I wish I would have moved DD to this place in K instead of waiting until 1st. She has done so much better with kids her own age vs her old place putting her in with the pre-k class.
No updates other than DH is still mad at the world and is full blown sick again.
k3am, our state law says 10. DD turns 10 at the end of 4th grade (June b-day). I will have her do some kind of camp/care that summer. Right now she can't wait to stay home alone. Will see what happens when we get to 5th and if it will work out or not. For 6th grade she will catch the bus from Grandma's house in the morning they don't start until 9:10 and I will pick her up on my way home. During tax season I will either have her take the school bus home or to grandma's depending on life.
So mine pale in comparison, but DD is kicking ass in kindergarten. You guys may remember that her bitchy preschool teacher wanted her in OT for her handwriting. A child psychologist told us to knock that shit off because it meant twice a week we were telling DD she was terrible at handwriting. Now while her handwriting isn’t the best in the class, it’s probably a little better than average. Her kindergarten teacher hasn’t complained at all.
One of my coworkers is now going through the same thing. Perfectly normal 4 year old who doesn’t have great handwriting. Preschool teacher who is pushing OT. Pediatrician who rolled eyes at the thought. I told him don’t waste their time and money or put their son through it.
Not exactly a twerk but DD has been in OT for 4.5 years for a combination of sensory and fine motor. It def helps/helped sensory, without much benefit to fine motor or handwriting. But now at the end of third grade, she is switching over from fine motor to graphomotor in her writing and OMG her handwriting is so neat now! Probably not super neat for an average third grader, but soooooooo much better than it was. She still mixes capitals and lower case and still transposes a few letters, so I suspect dyslexia is a possibility but I am no longer worried about dysgraphia. I don't really think OT is the reason for the improvement. I think it's time/maturity and just finally switching to graphomotor instead of fine motor skills for writing.