Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Sept 24, 2012 9:29:07 GMT -5
The way your STBX talks about your daughter - do you feel safe letting him have unsupervised time with her? I'm concerned about the effects that his unrealistic expectations could have on her. Without you around, to keep him in check, do you think his behavior will continue? Did you all cover this at all in therapy? I know you have plenty on your plate already, so I apologize if this adds to your stress.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
The way your STBX talks about your daughter - do you feel safe letting him have unsupervised time with her? I'm concerned about the effects that his unrealistic expectations could have on her. Without you around, to keep him in check, do you think his behavior will continue? Did you all cover this at all in therapy? I know you have plenty on your plate already, so I apologize if this adds to your stress.
I am generally not a fan of withholding visitation, but this.
If this bagodicks can say these things to you as an adult, he ought to really get a high dragging this poor baby down.
I am so, so sorry. I am glad you have a plan and a supportive family. I wish you could just leave now because I can't imagine having to look at him everyday between now and Christmas.
Good luck to you and the kids! It sounds like you have a great plan for moving forward and that the three of you deserve so much better. I think all three of you will flourish in your new environment away from your ex's asshole behavior.
I have to say I'm super impressed with how you're handling this. If I'm ever faced with something like this, I hope I have the grace and dignity you have.
FWIW, I was in your kids' place when I was 6/7. The best thing my mom ever did for us was to divorce my sperm donor and move us closer to her family. I have such fond memories of our drive during the move to her hometown with my grandpa and uncle, actually. I ended up growing up living 10 minutes from my grandparents and my aunt/uncle/cousin and I am so glad I did. My mom eventually remarried and when I was 10, my adoption was finalized. I haven't had any contact with my sperm donor since (well, he has contacted me and I ignored or told him to get lost). He had cheated on my mom with a co-worker and basically treated my mom like complete trash and really did a number on her self-esteem. But I'm glad he did it, because he didn't deserve my mom or us - her 22nd anniversary with her second husband (my dad, my kid's grandpa) is this weekend.
1. I think your approach to this is great. Your kids will grow up and eventually figure out what's what. No need to make it messier.
2. I would love to sick sbp on him.
3. I'm going to stick with my internet diagnosis of sociopath. The unrealistic expectations part sounds EXACTLY like the emotionally abusive workplace I just left. It sounds like this peach has his needs, everyone around him is there to serve his needs, and it's other people's fault when his needs aren't met. I'm guessing that he's never wrong about anything. Sociopath. Ugh.
i know you don't "know" me, but i read your worried AE post and my heart broke for you. while i'm still so very sorry that you are having to go through this, my heart is glad that your family will provide you with such support and that you and your children (especially your DD) will soon no longer have that weighty, negative presence in your lives each day.
Post by Daria Morgandorffer on Sept 24, 2012 9:42:47 GMT -5
My god. I'm so so sorry. This guy is a real dick and as much as it sucks now, thank god you're getting out and will be able to start a new and wonderful life. (((hugs)))
Post by blindyswife on Sept 24, 2012 9:43:21 GMT -5
I can't imagine what it must feel like to learn that your H has been lying to you for the entirety of your marriage. You sound like you're doing all the right things. You are dealing with this with so much class, I admire that. And how great that you have such a strong support system. You are a strong, stong woman, and everything is going to be a-okay!
According to "Dr. Google", he has signs of narcissistic personality disorder.
As far as visitation goes, it is EXTREMELY difficult to revoke visitation in Texas. I have a friend who has gone through far, far worse with her ex-husband, and she has been able to limit his contact, remove his decision-making ability as far as doctors, school, etc. are concerned for their child, but she hasn't been able to legally restrict his visitation.
At this point, no, I am not looking to revoke or limit his visitation because I don't feel that's in the kids' best interest. I have already specified that I expect there will be zero porn of any kind on the computer, the phone, anything else when the kids are around, and he has agreed to that. I've also specified that I do not want him to take the kids and then dump them in daycare or with a babysitter while he works - if they are with him, I expect him to be interacting with them. He agrees with that.
I guess we'll just see how it goes. I don't think he'd ever be physically abusive to me or to the kids. I am lining up a therapist for the kids to see in their new hometown, and they are seeing a counselor now, so they'll have someone unbiased to go to if they're upset or just need to talk. He is a shitty husband, but I wouldn't call him a bad father. Impatient, yes. Unrealistic expectations, yes. Bad father, no. Not at this point.
He constantly complains about her behavior. He has minimal patience.
I just quoted this one line but rally, the whole thing made me stabby. What a douche. You're a GREAT mom and your daughter is going to thrive and continue to make even greater strides with your love and the love of your extended family who is taking you in and lifting you up. My sincerest hope for him is a life of regrets.
I agree w/ everything everyone has already said. i will add that as I read your plans for getting back on your feet and all the support you have from your family...it really got me teary eyed. I think this will be the best thing for you and I think it's wonderful that you'll be able to move on from this with support. I also think it's a relief that it turned out this way, rather than a long drawn out should I stay or should I go, situation. You'll get your closure (as much as possible) and be able to move on. You seem to be dealing with this with so much class and grace and i applaud you. I'm trying not to focus on what a douche your STBXH is. He really is living in fantasy world and needs to grow up. Clearly no match for you. Now he's given you the chance to go out (when you're ready) and find a real man who will treat you and appreciate you the way you deserve.
Im so, so sorry you are having to go through this. It is awful to have the plans for your life fall apart but you are already making progress in distancing yourself from something awful. I commend you on your grace and clear head in dealing with all of this.
Post by iammalcolmx on Sept 24, 2012 9:51:09 GMT -5
I am so very sorry this is happening to you. You deserve better and WILL find better. Your support system seems to be awesome and in time you will land on your feet.
I have nothing but violent and profane words and thoughts about your STBXH. Yes it was me gathering the ass kicking lynch mob.
Post by charminglife on Sept 24, 2012 9:53:32 GMT -5
I'm really sorry that he did this to you. You sound like a GREAT mom, your kids are lucky to have you, and I'm glad that you're able to move somewhere where you'll have support.
I definitely think his comments reflect wholly on him. We all can improve, but he has some serious mental health issues to be worked on. Don't let his problems beat you down too.
I'm glad you have a plan for moving forward. I hope your family is a great support to you. Please to continue to talk to a therapist--as you said your world as you knew it is no more and that is hard for anyone. Though I suspect that this will ultimately be more of an opportunity than a loss.
Post by meshaliuknits on Sept 24, 2012 9:58:16 GMT -5
mcgee, you are handling this really well. I'm so happy that you have a path forward and I wish you luck with the house and the job.
Should you find that you need extra cash, may I suggest you charge nesties $5 to kick you stbxh in the nuts? Because I would get in that line a few times.
Honestly, I insisted that douchebag use a licensed day care provider when he had visitation with pinky. He was leaving her with randoms, girlfriends, friends, etc as well as limiting his visitation to when he could take off from work, neither of which was healthy, imo, for pinky. The man's entitled to visitation by law, even if he's a shitbag of a father but imo, shitbag fathers are shit at seeing to the needs of their own children and thus, if they are going to take them, would be better served by paying professionals to do the bulk of the care.
So for that reason, I'd probably rethink the babysitter stipulation. He's gonna be shit at interacting with them, this I'm willing to bed money on.
I'm also willing to bet large sums of money that the visitation aspect will be a moot point in about a year or so. He'll always have an excuse as to why he can't see them, why he can't keep them long, etc. I don't expect this man to exercise much of his visitation.
I agree with Habs. While you are still living there I would find a good daycare and take them there a few times to acclimate them. Then when they visit him he can take them to the wonderful sitter's and limit their exposure to douchiness.
If I can get a good job sooner, then yes, I can move out sooner. I will have to quit my current work from home job when I move (they aren't set up to legally have employees in that state), so I hate to move until I have a job. Christmas break is good for the kids because it will give them time to get moved and settled in without missing school. Plus if I move out before Christmas, I have to send the kids back here for all or part of Christmas break. If the house isn't sold, I don't know if H will be there or in an apartment, what stuff he'll have set up for them, etc. It's easier on the kids if I stay until Christmas.
Plus as far as the house goes, we've probably got a few weeks before we can get it on the market. So then we're talking mid October. My mom is already planning to visit for Halloween and my son's birthday - she is going to take a carload of my stuff back with her. Once I get through DS's birthday, I've really only got a matter of weeks before Christmas break, and that gives me plenty of time to pack stuff up, let the kids decide what will go with them and what will go to dad's new place, etc. So yeah, as stressful as it is to be here with him in the house, it's probably better for the kids.
Post by KateAggie on Sept 24, 2012 10:38:02 GMT -5
McGee, I'm speechless.
I'm sure you've already heard this a million times, but your DH was really damn good at hiding who he truly is--he certainly had me fooled. I hope that someday he finally has the self-awareness to realize what he's destroyed. Your kids were always lucky to have you as a Mom, but man, that's about to pay off in spades. I am so, so glad that you're moving back to family. You and those kids are going to be surrounded by such an incredible amount of love. I can't wait for your update of how you've survived and thrived. I have NO DOUBT it's coming.