I'll just add my voice to the chorus: i am so so sorry you are going through this and I wish you all the best. I hope that things are only up from here.
And your H completely deserves the dick in a blender treatment.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this and wish you lots of happiness that will come. Best to you and your children. They are very lucky to have you as their mother.
I am in shock at the things your STBX has said about you and your daughter. What an unbelievable asshole.
The more I think about this aspect of it, the more I think that her Google diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder might be right. Or mine of sociopath.
I don't say this to excuse or justify his behavior, but I feel like there has to be something wrong with him to explain it. I'm just having trouble believing that an otherwise "normal" person would perpetrate such a horrible fraud upon another person and have what appears to be no empathy for a child.
I'm convinced dude must be fucked in the head. What a shitty situation.
Post by ringstrue on Sept 24, 2012 10:51:35 GMT -5
Just as a random note. It may be easier on the kids to take "everything" of theirs to your place than to have them make those sort of decisions of what stays where. That was a very stressful and emotional part of moving for us kids during my parent's divorce and also for my half siblings when my dad divorced my stepmom.
(and by everything I mean everything you know that matters to them - leave a few things that are technically theirs but you know they don't care about or play with anymore.)
My father was exactly like this and I most definitely would label him as a narcissist. I hated living with him growing up and my self esteem was very poor. (I also hated men in general as a result.)
My parents were married until I was 30 and I really hoped that my mom would leave him constantly when I was child. The first time I told her that I realized he hated me was when I was 8 or 9. I finally cut him off 8 years ago and it has made all the difference in my happiness level.
You are definitely doing the right thing by taking your kids out of this situation. Big hugs and best wishes.
Yeah, as far as their stuff goes, we are trying to give them some control over the situation. DD has already said she wants to sell her bed (she will be using the one already there at my mom's house) and eventually get something new when I get a house of my own. H is planning to get bunk beds for the kids in his two bedroom apartment. Being a preschool director, my mom has access to tons of toys and art supplies and stuff, so she's already given me a list of stuff and said "Don't bring this - I have it here." That stuff will go with H.
Post by PinkSquirrel on Sept 24, 2012 11:18:31 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're going though this. He sounds like a real piece of work and you'll be much happier in the long run without having to deal with his put downs and cheating.
Post by ChillyMcFreeze on Sept 24, 2012 11:19:20 GMT -5
Just wanted to get in on the group hug. I said it before, but I am still in awe of your strength through all of this. I'm sure it feels like you're falling to pieces on the inside, but you're doing an amazing job of being strong for your kids.
SBP - he didn't come right out and call me a bad mother, but that's been implied over the years.
So pardon me while I totally lose my shit.
WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE!! YOU HAVE A HIGH NEEDS CHILD AND NOT ONLY IS IT YOUR FAULT, BUT IT'S TOTES COOL IF HE THROWS THE ADDITIONAL WRENCH OF DIVORCE IN THE MIX FOR THAT KID. I HOPE HE GETS HIS FUCKING DICK STUCK IN A BLENDER WHILE HE'S MIXING DRINKS FOR HIS GODDAMN THREESOME. I SERIOUSLY COULD THROW SOMETHING (on your behalf of course). MEN HAVE BEEN TREATING PEOPLE THIS WAY FOR FUCKING CENTURIES AND APPARENTLY IT'S LIKE ORDERING THE FUCKING SPECIAL AT THAT "I'M A SHITTY HUSBAND DINER."
"WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TODAY SIR."
"I'D LIKE THE ASSHOLE TRIPLE PLATTER WITH A SIDE OF INFIDELITY."
"ONE FAT, LAZY, BAD-MOM SPECIAL COMING UP."
GODDAMN I HOPE BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO HIM.
(Sorry. This is pretty much exactly what my dad did to my mom only he fucked students instead of texting whores on the internet. If there'd been an internet, I'm sure he would have been profdirtydick on some skankwhores.com website. This stuff makes me crazy ragey. )
+1 Co-Sign
I would do this to his Cheating Ass
McGee - you can get through it. You'll be better off in the long run. You know we're here for you to vent or anything else.
Im really sorry McGee. I went through a terrible time in 1997 - got divorced, went bankrupt, lost my business. It was my worst year. I have no advice, but I did hear a quote which I have always held onto in bad times. Its simple, maybe trite, but I like it:-
"Always remember there is also happiness in this world"
I ditto everyone else. I'm so sorry. When you and your kids look back on this, you'll all talk about how this was the best thing you ever did for yourself and your family. And I'm so happy you have so much support. All the best to you and your children.
Post by msmerymac on Sept 24, 2012 13:05:32 GMT -5
I'm so sorry this is such a difficult time for you and your kids, but you are doing them a much better service in the long run. It's like ripping a band-aid off. Eventually, though, everything will be the "new" normal and you three will have an amazing life. Also, you are doing the right thing for them. You are showing them that it's not okay for people to treat you (or them) like a doormat. Stay strong!
I am sorry you are going through this horrible situation. I have been following your posts and was wondering how things were working out. I will be thinking good thoughts for you and your kids.
I'm so sorry. After watching my brother be a dick to my SIL and see how much better off she and my nephews are without him I know there are brighter days ahead for you, even if it is hard to imagine now.
I am so sorry he is an absolute asshat. And that you deserve so so so so so much more, and I really really hope you can still utilize therapy and/or counseling to realize that HE is the one who destroyed this and that, in the long run, being apart from him may be the very best thing for you and your kids.
And may I say you are incredibly strong to be able to push through as much as you have already. You sound like you have a game plan in place and please let us know if we can help in any way.
I am so sorry he is an absolute asshat. And that you deserve so so so so so much more, and I really really hope you can still utilize therapy and/or counseling to realize that HE is the one who destroyed this and that, in the long run, being apart from him may be the very best thing for you and your kids.
And may I say you are incredibly strong to be able to push through as much as you have already. You sound like you have a game plan in place and please let us know if we can help in any way.
Major Ditto. I don't really have anything else to add. I just want to give you a big hug and nutpunch your horrid STBXH.
Post by Some Funny Name on Sept 24, 2012 13:57:39 GMT -5
I usually just lurk, but wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you and your kids are going through this. My BIL is a sociopath who did pretty much the same thing to my SIL. They were married for 17 years. He cheated the entire time, made her feel badly about herself and her looks, and criticized the children as if they weren't also his. Your STBXH sounds so much like him it's scary, and that makes me really grateful that you are getting away from him sooner rather than later. It might help to read up on sociopaths so that you can understand that this is not your fault, you will never, ever change him, and that it's futile to engage him. You have been incredibly strong through this, and you are 100% doing the right thing in getting you and your kids away from him.
ho.lee.crap. I am just speechless. Honestly. But more, I am so impressed with how you've managed to handle everything, plan for yourself and your children, and rally your support system. If that doesn't show that you are an amazing mother and personal advocate, nothing does. A year from now this will be in the past. Every step you are taking right now you are taking to get you and your kids to a better place. You are amazing.
ho.lee.crap. I am just speechless. Honestly. But more, I am so impressed with how you've managed to handle everything, plan for yourself and your children, and rally your support system. If that doesn't show that you are an amazing mother and personal advocate, nothing does. A year from now this will be in the past. Every step you are taking right now you are taking to get you and your kids to a better place. You are amazing.
Don't give him the excuse of "mid life crisis". He was like this when he got married. It didn't happen overnight.
Your kids will be better off. He isn't going to be in the picture long.
I'm sorry you're going through this. But you're not alone. Ashley Madison is a very popular and lucrative service.
Any guy that blames infidelity on his wife and kind of on his kids, is a dick. Immature. Not going to change. He doesn't even want to change so that should actually make it easier. He has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
As long as you have support which it sounds like you do, you'll have a much better life. You can't see it now, and it might get a little worse in the divorce proceedings before it can get better...but it WILL get better. THe only place you'll have to go is up. That's just the way it works. Eventually this will all just be part of your history and you'll be thankful you got out.
Post by zombiemuse on Sept 24, 2012 14:40:21 GMT -5
Ugh, I'm terrible remembering AEs and the correct story. I didn't read all the replies yet, but is this the poster who found the underwear in the laundry? Or someone else?
Either way...I'm so very sorry this happened. I'm glad you have a strong support system and you (and your children) will be in a much better place after all this.