My husband was having an affair with a woman he met on AshleyMadison.com. He was also heavily texting (as in 2500+ texts some months) other women he'd met through there. The woman he slept with lives a few hours away, and he was still seeing her but looking for other women closer by when he ended up chatting with a woman who lived in our neighborhood and whose child attends the same school as our daughter. That freaked him out enough that he quit Ashley Madison and was planning to just stay in touch with the women he'd already met through there.
He insisted he wanted to work it out, so we started going to marriage counseling. I told him that I was willing to give him a chance so we could repair the marriage, but that he needed to tell me EVERYTHING, and if he lied to me again, I was done.
Therapy was, um, interesting. He hates my job (I work part-time from home and bring home more than I did working full time for a non-profit because I don't have to pay for daycare). He thinks I'm a lousy housekeeper. He feels like he never has extra money to spend (but won't participate in paying bills or budgeting). Oh yeah, and I'm fat and not attractive to him. He basically has standards that no one can meet.
I knew from looking at his email that he had two user names for literotica.com, so two weeks to the day I made my post here as WorriedAE and confronted him, I searched his user names and found out that he had been posting on literotica porn chat boards off and on since we got married. And by posting, I mean, talking in explicit detail about what he'd like to do with other members. I was able to guess the password for one user name, the one he was using just 2 months after we got married, and in PMs, he was contacting other women about threesomes, even though I'd previously told him I was not going to participate in one. :@
I wasn't able to access his account for the second, more frequently used user name, but over the span of a few years, he averaged a post a day there. I shudder to think what he was emailing or PMing about.
I confronted him, we had a long drawn out conversation, and he said he wanted a divorce. I was already leaning that way because I'd told him if he lied again I was done. Still, it was devastating to know that he'd spent two weeks thinking about it, and had decided that he didn't want me anymore in any way.
That brings us to today. The kids have been told that we're divorcing, and our oldest, who is 6, is devastated. We are all still living in the same house for financial reasons, which as you can guess is massively stressful. He is giving me primary custody of our children, and I am moving out of state (with his blessing) to go live near my family. They are able to help with the children and help me get back on my feet financially and otherwise. H is not contesting the divorce, so I am filing with my attorney.
The kids are in counseling. We have a realtor coming over to give us some advice on the house, and we hope to list it for sale in the next few weeks.
So yeah... in the span of less than a month, my entire life fell apart, and I no longer recognize the man I married. I don't know if that man I married really ever existed, or what happened, or why he did this. He won't talk any more about the marriage in depth, so I have no clue. He answers everything with "I don't know" or some other vague answer. He says he thinks he has a porn/sex addiction, and that he's not seeing anyone now, but he and I disagree on whether all of the porn boards and texting and emails were cheating. I said if they weren't cheating, he wouldn't have gone to great lengths to hide it. He basically feels like he was justified in what he did because I'm not good enough and he wasn't happy. :@ Yeah, he's a real winner.
Post by copzgirl1171 on Sept 24, 2012 8:45:55 GMT -5
McGee. I don't know what to say. I will say that you are handling this with such grace and dignity that I am hoping you have a great support system to carry you through.
Post by heightsyankee on Sept 24, 2012 8:48:07 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. I'm happy that you'll be able to move and be close to family who can support you and your kids through this transition. I am wishing you so much light at the end of this tunnel and a wonderful new life. big hugs to you and your kids.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you are able to move back closer to your family with the kids without any major drama from him. Hoping for the best for you and the kids.
McGee, I am so so sorry. I hate that this is happening to you and your kids, but your kids are so lucky to have you as their rock. You are handling this about as well as anyone could. I am glad you will be near your family as you aim to get back on your feet. Take care of yourself.
Look, he's a self-centered asshole. Please don't listen to all his ridiculous criticisms of you; it's just his way to justify his shitty behavior.
And as much as it feels like your life is falling apart right now, please do recognize all the positive steps you're taking to make your life even better. A huge mess fell on your lap, but you're managing and taking care of business, and it's only going to get better from here.
I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this. Do you think you'll be able to keep your job after your move? I hope you are able to make this transition easily and quickly.
I'm so sorry. It sounds like, at the very least, the divorce won't be anymore painful than it already is. It's great that you have the ability to move closer to family and have their support during this time.
I am so incredibly sorry to hear this. You clearly deserve so much better. It sounds like you are doing the right thing, though--taking care of your kids and getting back on your feet. Good luck with the move and keep us updated.
I am very blessed to have a strong support system of friends, both here in Austin and elsewhere, and a close extended family who are willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to help the kids and me. My mom is a preschool director at her church, and my aunt runs the mother's day out program there. They have a spot for my son, and they are going to provide after school care for both of my kids. My mom is letting us move into the second floor of her house rent-free until I can save up enough to get a nice place for the kids and me. They, along with my uncle and some cousins, have offered to help me move to keep costs down. I'm really very lucky to have so much support.
I am working on my resume, doing some networking, and I am going to start applying for full-time jobs this week.
I am very blessed to have a strong support system of friends, both here in Austin and elsewhere, and a close extended family who are willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to help the kids and me. My mom is a preschool director at her church, and my aunt runs the mother's day out program there. They have a spot for my son, and they are going to provide after school care for both of my kids. My mom is letting us move into the second floor of her house rent-free until I can save up enough to get a nice place for the kids and me. They, along with my uncle and some cousins, have offered to help me move to keep costs down. I'm really very lucky to have so much support.
I am working on my resume, doing some networking, and I am going to start applying for full-time jobs this week.
This is awesome!!
You can do this and you will be so much better for it.
May I ask if he plans to be in the kids life at all?
SBP - he didn't come right out and call me a bad mother, but that's been implied over the years. Our DD has sensory processing disorder, developmental vision delays, poor impulse control and various other issues that manifest in behavioral problems. She rarely lives up to his standards. She has been through a year and a half of OT, lots of play therapy, and is now in vision therapy. She has made ENORMOUS strides over the last two years, and I am SO proud of her! She's a very intelligent, creative, compassionate, vivacious and beautiful little girl who happens to struggle with some issues. She's nowhere near where I was academically at 6, but FOR HER, she is doing great.
He constantly complains about her behavior. He has minimal patience. He wants a label or something like Oppositional Defiant Disorder on her so he can neatly explain it, and he wants her on some sort of medication to make her calm. She is NOT ADHD - she can sit for hours if someone is reading to her or if she is doing a craft project, nor is she on the autism spectrum. But she is and always has been a higher needs baby and child. That's just how she is. Is it stressful? Yes. But she has so many wonderful qualities. He says he sees them, but then he also completely loses his patience with her and doesn't handle her behavior well. FTR, she is in a regular classroom at school, and she has not had a single disciplinary issue yet this school year. We have a parent-teacher conference in about two weeks, so I'll know more then about how she's doing academically.
But yeah... his constant criticism of her is a big thorn in my side. If I complain that I've had a bad day with the kids, his response was always "Well, you chose this. If you don't like it, go back to work full time." God forbid I ever say anything about his job and the awful hours or the stress it involves.
I did point this out to him a few weeks ago when he was actually talking to me about the marriage: according to him, I'm fat and unattractive, I'm a lousy housekeeper, he hates my job, and he's constantly frustrated with the kids, which reflects poorly on me since I'm home with them. And then he wonders why I would spend so much time chatting with my friends via FB? He wonders why I don't want to get naked and have wild sex all the time? I flat out told him that he'd done severe damage to my self-esteem.
His response was that he never saw his comments that way and never intended for them to be taken that way. Um, yeah...
Not that it's any real consolation, but I have followed your blog and you did a really beautiful job with your house; I'm sure it will sell in no time.
Therapy was, um, interesting. He hates my job (I work part-time from home and bring home more than I did working full time for a non-profit because I don't have to pay for daycare). He thinks I'm a lousy housekeeper. He feels like he never has extra money to spend (but won't participate in paying bills or budgeting). Oh yeah, and I'm fat and not attractive to him. He basically has standards that no one can meet.
I am so sorry. My BFF went through something similar with her ex, and in therapy at the end, he started throwing all these random accusations at her that he had never voiced before. I think he had himself convinced that she was someone she wasn't and that's how he rationalized being a cheating a-hole.
I am sorry for the stress your family is under right now. I'm mostly a lurker here, but you seem so strong and you and your kids are going to be fine. The road to get to fine may be long and tough, but you are doing the right thing.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but I'm so glad that you have such strong family support.
Obviously I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis, but I seriously wonder if your STBXH is a sociopath. I mean, I don't know how one could claim to love someone else and then engage in behavior like this from the start of the relationship unless he has no concept of emotion or love or empathy.
My god, I am so sorry. You sound like you are taking all of the right steps and are doing awesome under the circumstances. Hugs to you and your kiddos.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Sept 24, 2012 9:17:49 GMT -5
I am so, so sad to learn that this is you. You're an amazing, beautiful, bright, and STRONG woman. Please know this about yourself. You and those kids deserve great things, not this pile of horseshit you have endured. I'm so deeply sorry. If I can do anything, please PM me. Good luck with moving forward, but I know you will not only survive, but thrive following this storm.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
May I ask if he plans to be in the kids life at all?
Right now the tentative plan is that we will have Christmas here, and then the kids and I will move. He will have them for spring break, and we will alternative Easter and Thanksgiving. He will have them for part of the summer - right now we are discussing him taking them for multiple short visits rather than one long one because he has to take off work when they're with him because he has nowhere to leave them and because our youngest is not quite 3 and has never been away from me overnight.
He says he wants to drive up to see the kids at least one weekend a month, but the schedule he mentioned to me doesn't seem viable long term. I guess we'll see. He is welcome to call them daily or skype with them. I have already said that I am not going to disparage him to the kids. They have their own relationship with him that has nothing to do with his affairs.
When this all went down, I decided that I wanted to handle it with as much grace and dignity as possible so that no matter what happened, I could tell my children later that I did everything possible within reason to save the marriage, and that I had no regrets about how I'd behaved or what I'd done. He has been a jerk, but that doesn't mean I need to be a total bitch too. KWIM? Believe me, I'd love to burn his clothes on the front lawn, trash his laptop, etc., but it doesn't serve any purpose. It will only make the situation worse. At the end of the day, what matters is getting out of the marriage as amicably and inexpensively as possible, as quickly as possible.
Mcgee, I am so sorry this has happened to you. But I am not sorry you are getting out. You are a strong woman and your kids--though hurting right now--will grow to appreciate all that you're doing for them.
Your STBXH sounds like a real winner. As stabby as I was reading what he did to you, reading how he views his daughter downright makes me want to vomit. This guy just has no grip on reality. Unrealistic expectations for his wife, unrealistic expectations for his children...there's no doubt in my mind you are doing the right thing for you and your kids by getting out. And the fact you have such an amazing support system is even better.
I wish you continued peace and strength as you go through this. And can I just say something as the daughter of divorce? Yes, it's unpleasant for your kids. But they're not stupid. They'll understand and they will realize how necessary it was. My father was emotionally abusive to my mother; he had an affair that she tried to work through with him with counseling and the like. She drew the line the first time he became physically violent.
I was 7 when she packed her bags and took me with her. And to this day, I admire her strength, her courage and her faith in herself. She's amazing and she taught me so much about how to value myself, how to find healthy relationships, and how important it is to be strong.
You are setting an incredible example for your kids, even though this moment sucks. But trust me--your kids will know. And they'll understand. And they'll be grateful.
And you're going to come out of this an even more amazing person than you already are.