People who have all their shit together

[ECB]

Feb 1, 2023 9:26:12 GMT -5 jamaicam said:

I 100% agree that no one 'has it all' or 'has it all together'.

One thing that no one else has mentioned is saying no. I am on PTA as I was pressured into it. Someone is now trying to make my role bigger and do more. I have told them No, then no, then no again. I am not doing it. I cannot handle it and I wont be guilted into it.

Also recognizing that rest is doing something. I used to feel bad if I spent a day on a weekend laying around. But our weekdays are busy. Lots of weekends we have inescapable events. So if we have a weekend with nothing on, I have reprogrammed myself to accept that we need rest and that is a good thing. As part of me being together most of the time is taking time not to be together sometimes.

Yes to all of this, but especially the bolded.  Downtime is OK!!!!  It really is!!  

And saying "no" to more is o.k. too.  I think setting boundaries and knowing what we're capable of is absolutely a part of "having your shit together".  

[Pilsy]

My tree is still up, and that's on purpose!

I love that thing.

[noodleoo]

No one really has their shit together. Our society is not designed for that, especially for parents. Think about it, in the past, families functioned with one working parent and usually a SAHM to take care of the house and kids. Women went to work, but pretty much NOTHING CHANGED to take over the full time responsibility of caregiving and managing a household. Sure you can outsource some things (like housecleaning, online pick up for groceries, meal kits, etc) but the mental task of managing all that doesn't go away. We left all that stuff piled on women's plates and added full time work. There is not enough capacity, so of course we are all struggling. We also lost our village since many of us don't live near family anymore and having kids older means our parents are older, so it is more likely that we are taking care of them too instead of them helping us. We are called the sandwich generation for a reason.

It all sucks. The only reason I have any shit together is because I went part time after we had kids. I could barely keep on top of my life prekids when we were both working demanding full time jobs with 45 mins each way commutes. I was out of the house 10 hours every day. I remember crying when looking at daycares and wondering how the heck we would make drop-off and pickup with the current hours we were working. I hated my job anyway so I quit. I knew it wouldn't work otherwise.

I know I'm privileged to be able to only work part time. I sacrificed my career to take care of my family. And I still don't have it all together. With 2 small kids, I accept that and do the best I can. I know things will get easier when they are older and there will be more time, so I tolerate the insanity for now. And like others said, lower my expectations for having a clean house, laundry all folded, etc. I prioritize the things that are important and try to let the rest go.

[carmenere]

I don't have my shit together but here are a few things that help me not lose track of things:
-A file cabinet with a folder for everything. Being able to find things easily makes household admin feel less daunting and sometimes saves me a phone call if I can find the information myself.
-A designated place for the mail where I have to see it every day. Important stuff stays there until it gets dealt with so it doesn't get lost, and then once it's done I file it. In reality I keep a separate pile of stuff to be filed, which I get around to every couple months, but it's still all in one place where I can find it if needed.
-Schedule tasks, especially those that have to be done during business hours - I put it on my calendar and think of it as an appointment I need to keep. If a conflict comes up, I schedule another specific time for it.
-Block out designated time for household admin every week. Whatever is feasible for you, even if it's just 30 minutes once a week. That's your get shit done time.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Each day, I must choose which shit is together. It is never all the shit; it is only a portion of the shit, the portion that is most essential to me.

[meanie]

I do not have it together, and no one I know does either!

Laundry is always piling up, Christmas lights are still up outside, and any semblance of "togetherness" comes at the cost of something else falling apart...usually it's me.

I obviously manage to get work/kids school stuff/feeding people done daily, but there are just not enough hours in the day.

The few areas I feel like I do have a good handle on are a direct result of planning, reminders, and sticking to a tool/system (or paying someone else to do it!). Like how I use my google calendar for everything. I take pictures of important notices and toss the paper. I make to-do lists on my checklist app.

The many areas where I feel like I am constantly failing are not actually because *I* am failing, but because there is too much crammed in that category. I have a pile of laundry because we have too many clothes, I am up late planning school parties because I over-committed myself as a room parent, I am not taking care of myself because I work 50 - 60 hrs a week year round.

[mel]

I am far from having my shit together, but like others have said, what others see of me puts the illusion out there that I do.

What helps me is:
- ROUTINES! I cannot stress this enough. I get up at the same time every day, regardless of what's going on (unless I need to get up earlier for a flight or something). I meal plan every Sunday while we're all eating breakfast. I grocery shop immediately after meal planning so everything is fresh in my mind (although I do have a list). Obviously, life happens and routines do get thrown off, but we try very hard to stick to them.

- Notes, notes, notes! I have a note in my phone that as I think of something, I type it in. I also carry a small notebook in my purse if I can't get to my phone for some reason. If I'm making lunch and realize I only have a couple juice boxes left, I write it on my grocery list pad. If I'm doing laundry and notice that laundry detergent is low, I add it to my list. If DH casually mentions he wants to try this new restaurant I put it in my phone for the next time we're arguing about where to go eat.

- Calendars (and Google Calendar). I put EVERYTHING in my Google calendar. Days off school, appointments, reminders, etc. The best part about reminders is if you don't complete it on whatever specific day you set it for, it will move to the following day until you finally complete it.

- I also make "next appointments" as I'm checking out of the current appointment. I schedule haircuts for DS every 6 weeks and will confirm those appointments when I'm paying. When I leave the dentist, I schedule the next appointment right then. And so on. These immediately go into my calendar. Then, if something comes up and I need to change the appointment, it's easier for me to change an existing appointment than it is to make a new appointment.

- I follow the 2-minute rule.

All that said, there are definitely days where I get overwhelmed and completely shut down and don't move off the couch once I get home from work. I still miss things (most of the time it's because I didn't set a reminder or add it to my calendar). With DS2's health, I've really needed to step up my game because forgetting an appointment or dose of medication can quickly become a dire problem.

[DotAndBuzz]

Jan 31, 2023 23:39:04 GMT -5 cville said:

I lowered my expectations of myself for everything that I decided wasn't important.

Walla. Shit, instantly together.

I stopped reading here.

I SAH, have a husband who provides a very comfortable living for us. We have a very traditional gender role delegation. I do kid and house stuff, he works (a lot), and it works for us. On the surface, sure, we have our shit together. 

HOWEVER. Lowering standards was essential. My house is not guest ready at all times. I tell people if they come over unannounced that my house is a home, not a museum. There's always laundry. My kitchen counters are cluttered. My dining room table is a staging area for my sewing/puzzles/donations. Kids socks are constantly floating all over the house, unmatched. I have my piles of paper on full display in pretty magazine boxes that make the mess more "nice looking," lol. I have multiple junk drawers. I feel like I can't ever keep up with the constant turnover of kids clothes and shoes -please for the love of GOD let one of them be done growing so we can at least have her wardrobe be relatively stable for a season. It's cleaned every 2 weeks by a cleaning crew, so that's our reset tidy time, but otherwise? You get what you get.

I tried keeping up with it (I SAH, I this is my "job," right?), and it honestly made me really depressed, anxious, and frustrated. It was never done. Ever. The list never ends. It can't. Shit comes up, and as you cross 2 things off, 4 more things get added. So I lowered my standards and changed my goal to functional. Do the most important stuff first, and get to the other stuff when you get to it.

Dr. Lisa Damour had an EXCELLENT podcast episode about this at the beginning of the year. She talks about true self care, and reframing how you look at things as a river. you jump in to do things, going with the flow/pace, and then you get out when you need to reset your mind a bit, and take a break. She also talks about "the never-ending list." Link to podcast below.

drlisadamour.com/how-can-parents-find-joy-and-energy-in-the-new-year/

[redheadbaker]

I do not have my shit together. But it helps me to remember that societal expectations come from a time when the man worked and the woman stayed home. It's not possible to keep up with two adults working full time.

[eb777888]

Jan 31, 2023 23:39:04 GMT -5 cville said:

I lowered my expectations of myself for everything that I decided wasn't important.

Walla. Shit, instantly together.

Haha, definitely this. I mean, hats off to those who have their shit together because the shit just never stops coming- grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, exercise, paying bills. Add in getting sick, vacations, holidays, birthdays. Staying on top of everything all of the time is very difficult!

[annieh22]

I in no way have my shit together, but some days I have some of my shit together.
I remind myself that I am a human living a life and all that comes with that. Try not to compare myself to others as my perception of their life is not their reality. Name the urgent must-dos and let good enough be good enough.

[eb777888]

Feb 1, 2023 11:40:50 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

Jan 31, 2023 23:39:04 GMT -5 cville said:

I lowered my expectations of myself for everything that I decided wasn't important.

Walla. Shit, instantly together.

Dr. Lisa Damour had an EXCELLENT podcast episode about this at the beginning of the year. She talks about true self care, and reframing how you look at things as a river. you jump in to do things, going with the flow/pace, and then you get out when you need to reset your mind a bit, and take a break. She also talks about "the never-ending list." Link to podcast below.

drlisadamour.com/how-can-parents-find-joy-and-energy-in-the-new-year/

Were you the one who suggested her parenting podcast awhile back? I listen to it all the time, it is SO GOOD. They are short and you can just scroll through ones that are relevant to you at the time. 

[midwestmama]

I have lowered my expectations (and DH's too, lol)! I try to plan things as much as possible and set reminders for myself for important things.

I've never had an "HGTV home" and I never will.  I've told DH before that if he wants an always-clean and uncluttered house (like how he grew up) and a homemade meal every night, that I will need to quit working full time, which would have a negative impact on the whole family because all of our extras and nice-to-haves would be greatly reduced.  

I have kids, and they are old enough to help out more around the house, so that is now more hands to help lighten the load.

Re: work.  Company loyalty is dead and most employees are replaceable (from an employer's perspective).  I could get fired or laid off tomorrow.  So I'm not going to make myself ill or hurt my relationship with my family over work.  I'll work my 40 hours and maybe a few more here and there, but that's it.

Do what you can and don't be too hard on yourself!

[Poppy]

Honestly, I feel best about my life when I have just a little too much going on. Sometimes balls get dropped but I am doing the important stuff and doing things I find fulfilling.

But yeah, I certainly have my moments when I feel overwhelmed or just smack-my-forehead can't believe I forgot that. I definitely think that working while having kids (and as a teacher, no less) makes it pretty darn impossible to stay totally on top of it. Just try to focus on all the stuff you actually are accomplishing. And try to reduce your commitments to things that don't matter. To me, a lot of the stuff on your haven't gotten to it list falls into that category.

[ssmjlm]

I feel like I have a good balance, but definitely not everything together. I am a terrible house cleaner, but am paralyzed at the idea of trying to find cleaners, so we have a tidy, but not really "clean" house. Sorry not sorry.

Google calendars, using my phone for reminders, and having a partner who really does take on his chunk helps a ton.

Oh and local family. My life is a lot easier with my parents nearby.

[mrsslocombe]

Privilege, not giving a fuck, and having a simple life?

I don't have kids, I live in a 2 bed/2 bath apartment in a full service building so I don't have to do shit outside my apartment door, I don't have a car. I WFH, my husband takes care of his own laundry aka does drop off and does most of the cleaning. All my bills are automated. I get my hair cut twice a year.

I've also "always" had my shit together, even as a little kid. I think it's just the way my brain works.

Honestly it's much easier to have your shit together when you have (comparatively) very little shit or fucks to give.

[mrsslocombe]

I will also add, that an annoying but life-changing motto I learned via my husband is "the answer is yes and the time is now."

Which means, when you have those little tasks that come up, that take less than 10 minutes, you do them right away. So you get a bill in the mail-you write the check and put it in an envelope, or go online and pay it instantly. The dishwasher needs to be emptied-do it right now. It just prevents shit from piling up and becoming overwhelming. And it's less stuff to keep track of.

[chilerellanos]

I definitely do not have my shit together, but outwardly it looks like I do.

[beerlover]

WFH really enables me to keep our shit together a lot more. H is lucky. He's gone from 6:30AM - usually after 5, and if we were both like this, things would be a lot more difficult. I'm at least able to keep up with laundry and general tidying while I'm at work, and sometimes meal prep, so all of that isn't saved for after work hours.

[ohgillian]

Feb 1, 2023 13:22:45 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

I definitely do not have my shit together, but outwardly it looks like I do.

I think this is me too.

[waverly]

Jan 31, 2023 21:33:23 GMT -5 megachoo said:

How? What’s your secret?

I thought at 36 I’d have this figured out by now, but it just feels like every day is a rush and then there’s still a million unfinished to dos. For example: I’m at work, and things are due, and I get them done on time! Field trip requests handed in, lessons done, meetings scheduled, phone calls made- I’m crushing it! Feeling motivated!

But uh oh, here comes another ticket because our car is overdue for inspection and I forgot to call to schedule it again, we made dinner and cleaned up in the kitchen, but the pile of laundry in the living room still needs to be folded. The trip to San Diego is all booked but I keep meaning to book the rental car and instead I fall asleep on the couch again. I’m overdue for a haircut, there’s still some Christmas decorations up, and I need to sweep out front and pull up the dead window boxes. And I’m pretty sure we have a bill due from my urgent care appointment in Kauai from this summer that needs to be paid and I can’t remember where I stuck that letter. And this is with a very supportive partner who really is pulling his weight plus more!

I just feel like, as an adult, I’ve never had even a minute where I was like “ah yes, I’m good. Everything is done, everything is clean, everything is up to date, no bills outstanding, nothing forgotten.”

Is there anyone who is able to keep all the balls in the air? If so, teach me your ways.

I'm going to quote so that I answer all the points.  I did not read responses yet.  For car inspection, I put that on my to do list.  I use Todoist as an app on my phone so I always have it with me.  For laundry, while we don't always fold, we have a separate laundry room area so at least it is not in our livin space.  We have a table by our washer/ dryer and try to fold when we pull out of the dryer immediately.  Doesn't always happen but 90% of the time it does.  The clothes are  still down there, so it did take several days to bring them up and put them away but again at least it's not in my living room. My job is at a computer and most days low key, so I would do rental car stuff at work, and that is fine with my boss and IT.  I know it isn't fine in some companies. For the Urgent Care if I lost the slip, I would google them and call them or at least go on their website.  I would also do this at work which is my computer time. I don't spend a ton of time on the computer at home.  Christmas decorations, I do have deer up outside, but that is by choice.  Otherwise that is scheduled in my calendar, like Sunday 10-11 take down Christmas décor.  I would probably keep forgetting to sweep and I am not doing outside chores right now, it was literally 5 degrees today. No thank you. 

I just feel like, as an adult, I’ve never had even a minute where I was like “ah yes, I’m good. Everything is done, everything is clean, everything is up to date, no bills outstanding, nothing forgotten.”  This is not a thing that exists.  There is always something on the to do list.  What you have to say is maybe I am done for the day.  I joke with my H that I clock out at 7pm.  

No I don't have everything under control.  We  just do the best we can, and we have a lot of hacks.  One of my main hacks is do it right away.  If you wait you will forget.  So if you think of the rental car, you need to stop what else you are doing and book that rental car because otherwise you will forget.  If you are not able to stop and book the rental car then you need to write it down because anything that is not written down is forgotten.  

[waverly]

I read the responses, and yes if you are a teacher then you don't have time to do all of that stuff at work. About 50% of the errands, doctor appointments etc are a result of me having a flexible job and being able to come in late and leave early. Since work is about 25 minutes from home, I don't usually do appointments in the middle of the day. I've even been known to do a work errand and tie it into a personal errand or do a personal errand on lunch. One time I was so behind, I did my work errand which was the bank, and then went shopping, dropped off donations and got gas during that time. Again my boss doesn't care and all of that only took 20 minutes, and I was already out. It helps a lot that my kids are older. I've also recently outsourced homework supervision to a tutor because DS is causing me to lose my mind. The tutor is much calmer, I get an hour of my week back, and DS and my relationship is better.

[candreco]

Feb 1, 2023 13:20:50 GMT -5 mrsslocombe said:

I will also add, that an annoying but life-changing motto I learned via my husband is "the answer is yes and the time is now."

Which means, when you have those little tasks that come up, that take less than 10 minutes, you do them right away. So you get a bill in the mail-you write the check and put it in an envelope, or go online and pay it instantly. The dishwasher needs to be emptied-do it right now. It just prevents shit from piling up and becoming overwhelming. And it's less stuff to keep track of.

Yeah, I pointedly say OHIO to DH and the kids a lot- Only Handle It Once. Can that glass go straight into the dishwasher instead of the sink, where someone will just have to move it to the dishwasher later?  Can that piece of mail be shredded now instead of sitting on the table for a week and then going into the shredder?  Little stuff like that adds up to a lot of clutter that is so much easier to do in the moment than it is to deal with all at once.

[gretchenindisguise]

Feb 1, 2023 14:27:24 GMT -5 candreco said:

Feb 1, 2023 13:20:50 GMT -5 mrsslocombe said:

I will also add, that an annoying but life-changing motto I learned via my husband is "the answer is yes and the time is now."

Which means, when you have those little tasks that come up, that take less than 10 minutes, you do them right away. So you get a bill in the mail-you write the check and put it in an envelope, or go online and pay it instantly. The dishwasher needs to be emptied-do it right now. It just prevents shit from piling up and becoming overwhelming. And it's less stuff to keep track of.

Yeah, I pointedly say OHIO to DH and the kids a lot- Only Handle It Once. Can that glass go straight into the dishwasher instead of the sink, where someone will just have to move it to the dishwasher later?  Can that piece of mail be shredded now instead of sitting on the table for a week and then going into the shredder?  Little stuff like that adds up to a lot of clutter that is so much easier to do in the moment than it is to deal with all at once.

I think I'm going to try to implement this in my house.

[waverly]

Feb 1, 2023 14:27:24 GMT -5 candreco said:

Feb 1, 2023 13:20:50 GMT -5 mrsslocombe said:

I will also add, that an annoying but life-changing motto I learned via my husband is "the answer is yes and the time is now."

Which means, when you have those little tasks that come up, that take less than 10 minutes, you do them right away. So you get a bill in the mail-you write the check and put it in an envelope, or go online and pay it instantly. The dishwasher needs to be emptied-do it right now. It just prevents shit from piling up and becoming overwhelming. And it's less stuff to keep track of.

Yeah, I pointedly say OHIO to DH and the kids a lot- Only Handle It Once. Can that glass go straight into the dishwasher instead of the sink, where someone will just have to move it to the dishwasher later?  Can that piece of mail be shredded now instead of sitting on the table for a week and then going into the shredder?  Little stuff like that adds up to a lot of clutter that is so much easier to do in the moment than it is to deal with all at once.

Yup, I call this method, "Do it now" or "Do it now or else you will forget".  When I was super duper busy with 2 young kids, I even put do it now in my calendar to remember to do it now everyday.  This happened after the kids bedtime during prep for the next day.  Now, since the kids are older and I don't have to prep diaper bags and daycare drop off it, then do it now is just whenever now is.  But back then, I couldn't necessarily do it now if I were breastfeeding, cooking dinner, doing dishes, and doing bedtime.  

[doctoranda]

I by no means have my shit together but I can pretend. I feel it is a crazy expectation. I do not have children though and this makes things much easier. At times it makes me ashamed of not having my shit together because, well I do not have kids. I am pretty organized though and my magic tools are: to-do lists and putting everything in life in my calendar -- a hike w/ a friend, when I need to sign my mortgage docs, my work apt.s, deadlines, everything. This will allow me to allot time for every task/activity and it shows up when I see my calendar. It also allows me to plan ahead for certain things. If I don't do it I move it in my calendar but I try to stick to the plan. The busier the days or time in my life the more I plan ahead. I also have become a fan of meal planning. On the weekend I plan most meals or ideas for meals, make a shopping list based on that and shop, and put the ideas in my calendar and my DH's (he cooks 50% of the time). Not having to figure it out when we get home is amazing. I recently also started to think more about putting clothes out for work the night in advance. Not having to think about it early in the morning when it is still dark is also so much better.

DH cleans 1 of 2 bathrooms; folds the laundry I wash; takes care of car stuff (he drives our car the most); and takes care of insurance bills/matters. We do grocery shopping together. I do a bit more domestic stuff than he, but if I feel it is too much I just ask him to do it. Most bills are auto pay. I have been in a 12 step program for many years and from that I learned: is it important? and, first things first. Meaning I don't always care ;-) We both work full time in the same profession.

[madringal]

I for sure don't have it together. But I do find the older I get, the older my kids get, and the more money we make - the less chaotic it all seems.

My kids (15, 11, 7) can carry their own weight in terms of chores and even take some on for the family, I don't have to be at every practice, I don't have to be as involved in their school stuff.

More money means I don't have to spend days researching to get the very best deal on everything. I can also pay for people to do things like clean my house, open/close my pool, shovel my driveway, take on projects we have been meaning to get done.

I am 43 and I would say in the last 2 years is when I have finally felt like I wasn't constantly playing catch up. It gets easier, you are just in the thick of it right now.

[glitzy07]

Like everyone else, I definitely don't have it all together but some things that help me from feeling out of control are...

- Todoist App: I keep work, personal, one time and recurring tasks here because if I think about it and don't write it down somewhere, I'll lose it in my brain. I genuinely have reminders in here to do a monthly self breast exam, to change the sheets, to call a friend, to do any number of tasks big or small

- Lazy Genius: The book and podcast have been a huge help to me in reframing what having it all together looks like FOR ME. It helps me think about what matters to me, not to others, and to start thinking about them in smaller incremental ways. Huge fan and highly recommend.

[tarzanswife]

I'm sure I appear to have my shit together but no way. I do love to delegate shit. Now that DS is 14, he is "on the payroll" and he has to meet his chores each week to get paid. I have delegated cooking of all proteins on Sunday to DH. I love grocery store pick up, Target pick up, etc.. I tack up a "to do" list for DH all the time. I stopped texting or emailing it, he would forget put taping it to the pantry or fridge, he will get it done. My mom is retired, once or twice a month I give her gas money and send her on errands. Delegate, delegate, delegate. There is no way we can do "all the things".

[MDmomof2]

Feb 1, 2023 16:28:28 GMT -5 madringal said:

I for sure don't have it together. But I do find the older I get, the older my kids get, and the more money we make - the less chaotic it all seems.

My kids (15, 11, 7) can carry their own weight in terms of chores and even take some on for the family, I don't have to be at every practice, I don't have to be as involved in their school stuff.

More money means I don't have to spend days researching to get the very best deal on everything. I can also pay for people to do things like clean my house, open/close my pool, shovel my driveway, take on projects we have been meaning to get done.

I am 43 and I would say in the last 2 years is when I have finally felt like I wasn't constantly playing catch up. It gets easier, you are just in the thick of it right now.

I am not entirely together, but between using OHIO (only handling things once) and this above (kids are older and handle some of their own stuff) I am more together than I have ever been.  I am 50 years old so I may be at my "together" limit!