But who cares? Honestly this sounds more controlling than anything, let them wear what they want, within reason. It sounds like you want them to look a certain way, or be more fashionable, that's more about you and not them.
Right!? Choose your battles people!
If challenged, I don't know that I could think of "three different ways" to wear a shirt.
Don't have kids, so grain of salt and all, but this is what I was thinking. They have enough clothing to not repeat outfits and are choosing to repeat. As long as they are clean for the most part, who cares? If you are concerned about buying new stuff and them not wearing it, then don't buy them new stuff. They have to wear the clothes they have. Does it really matter if they want to wear "comfy" stuff all the time?
Being that controlling of what your kids wear, especially at 15!, sounds like the AH to me. My 13 year old will wear the same hoodie every single day to the point where I don't even know what they have on underneath but I would never hide it. Every time she gets a new one it is her favorite and she pretty much never wears the others again, but who am I to control how she shows up in the world.
Towards this point, there comes a point where every parent has to relinquish control or else the continue trying to control their child into adulthood. That's not healthy for anyone.
This thread has taught me that I am definitely the AH because I would look at my husband and say, "You need new shirts. Do you want to go shopping or should I just order some?"
Same. In fact, some of my husbands close are so ugly and I nagged him for so long that my birthday present one year was that he gave me a huge stack of these terrible shirts to sell.
If challenged, I don't know that I could think of "three different ways" to wear a shirt.
Don't have kids, so grain of salt and all, but this is what I was thinking. They have enough clothing to not repeat outfits and are choosing to repeat. As long as they are clean for the most part, who cares? If you are concerned about buying new stuff and them not wearing it, then don't buy them new stuff. They have to wear the clothes they have. Does it really matter if they want to wear "comfy" stuff all the time?
Also, when people say that they don't know where teenagers get their stress, this right here contributes to the amount of stress teenagers endure on the regular.
Post by fortnightlily on May 15, 2024 9:52:48 GMT -5
Here's my AITA. Gonna be a little vague on specifics.
My sibling and I have never been particularly close. We have very different personalities and interests. I am much more cerebral and logic-driven and not particularly emotional. They are the opposite. They have accused me in the past of "not caring about their feelings" and we are currently estranged. I have no interest in reconciling right now. But I also realized, which kind of startled me, Is that they were right -- I don't particularly care about their feelings. And that's because most of the time the way they expressed those feelings was by being a total d*ck about it. Raging, hurling accusations, making entitled demands or snippy insults. It was never "Hey, I'm feeling anxious/neglected/hurt/whatever, can we talk about it like adults?" It was always straight to "You're so selfish, how dare you xyz". Maybe a bigger person would be able to look past the delivery and still care enough to want their sibling to feel better, but I just... don't care. Not after a lifetime of it, and a lack of counterbalancing nice behaviors to endear me to them. Does that lack of empathy make me the a**hole?
For those of you struggling with your kids picking out clothes to buy and then not wearing them, I thought I would mention my new strategy that seems to be working. Keep in mind, I have a twelve year old girl. We buy NOTHING unless she can describe three different ways to wear it. So, if we are looking at shirts she must be able to tell me three shorts they will go with. Then, you do NOT take the tags off until she takes the new shirt home and tries them on with the three pairs of shorts. If she doesn’t still agree that the shirt works with at least two of the proposed pairs of shorts, the shirt is returned.
That said, my kid really only has about 5 shirts and 5 shorts she will wear. And I’m ok with those rotating around. We are working hard to find a few more shirts, but five hours at the mall yielded one new shirt. And I despise shopping so she may just be out of luck.
I also think I wouldn't mind as much if my kids were choosing to wear things that actually reflect a style or choice beyond just 'comfy'. My ds wears athletic pants or shorts with short sleeve athletic shirts. For marching band this year, he needed white undershirts, but he hated the regular cotton ones, so I bought him a 5 pack of athletic white shirts (just plain white). And if they are all clean and in his closet, he will wear one as a shirt for 5 days in a row with black pants/shorts. When those are gone, he then picks his 2 plain black athletic shirts. So even though he picks out (mostly plain) colored shirts for me to buy him, he rarely wears them.
And DD lives in black leggings or sweat pants, mostly with this shirt: www.target.com/p/women-39-s-short-sleeve-t-shirt-wild-fable-8482-white-xs/-/A-86972537?preselect=86972537#lnk=sametab She has it in every color (and they had more colors last year). She has other similarly cropped shirts from Old Navy and she picks one out as her souvenir from every trip we go on, but I think just because she's lazy, she'll wear the same ones over and over again if they are available.
But stuff not 'going' or working with her bottoms is not an issue, but that is a good idea if that were the issue.
What?! That sounds fabulous that your kids recognize that comfort is a priority. They sound awesome and you shouldn’t be so judgmental about something that literally does not matter.
In this culture we are so so wasteful and the earth is burning, yet people think it’s necessary to have enough clothes to wear something different for weeks at a time. Rage.
Eta: my partner has a "uniform" of Black shorts and Black pants. He does have some variety with like 2 pairs of jeans and 2 pairs of casual pants, but it’s all Black. We’ve been together for 10 years and I think he hasn’t worn his "uniform" maybe 10 time or so times. Having less clothes and less options to choose from makes life much more simple. He started doing it many years ago in his early 30s when he was touring a lot and it made packing and traveling so much easier. There’s nothing wrong with people who decide that comfort and ease is how they prefer to dress.
Don't have kids, so grain of salt and all, but this is what I was thinking. They have enough clothing to not repeat outfits and are choosing to repeat. As long as they are clean for the most part, who cares? If you are concerned about buying new stuff and them not wearing it, then don't buy them new stuff. They have to wear the clothes they have. Does it really matter if they want to wear "comfy" stuff all the time?
Also, when people say that they don't know where teenagers get their stress, this right here contributes to the amount of stress teenagers endure on the regular.
This is harsh, and I feel like it's a personal dig considering I post frequently and openly about my dd's anxiety. If I at all thought the idea that the clothes that go into the laundry don't show up again for 1 week at all contributed to her stress or anxiety, it's not something I would do. This really isn't a big deal in our lives and I thought it was a light-hearted problem I found a slightly ridiculous solution to that works for us, and I thought others might relate to it, which it seems at least some do.
And while I also openly admit that I can be controlling and struggle with that at times, I let my kids pick what they want to wear entirely BEYOND that I prefer for it to not be worn the same week and over and over again. I only shared that they wear athletic/comfy clothes because I was trying to illustrate that not having something that matches or goes with their other tops isn't part of the issue for us. And I will reiterate that if my kids want things to change, they are more than welcome to do their own laundry, but they truly don't seem to care (in fact I don't think ds ever noticed). DD thought it was funny that I was putting slight effort into making her wear more than 1 week's worth of clothing. She just yesterday asked me 'hey is my school field-trip shirt clean and in your room? If so, can I grab it?' because they had gone on a field trip last week, and yesterday they were asked to wear them to school for a rehearsal of a presentation they are doing next week. I'm sure she will be wearing it next week again as well for the presentation.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on May 15, 2024 10:20:53 GMT -5
Also maudefindlay your story made me lol. My dh has some shirts from high school (high school! We are 41 years old!) that he wears to sleep in, and they are so thin and worn that they have little holes in them in several places. I bet he could easily hulk out of those shirts if he tried. But I also get that being that worn makes them super comfortable, so those are not something I am bothered by...and he's not wearing them out in public every week .
Post by lilypad1126 on May 15, 2024 10:20:59 GMT -5
fortnightlily, I'm going to sit with you on this particular bench. Maybe it makes me an AH, but I also lack empathy/don't care about their feelings towards my sibling in large part because they jump right to "Raging, hurling accusations, making entitled demands or snippy insults". There is no having an adult convo about it and literally everything they rage about is someone else's fault, usually mine or my parents, depending on who most recently pissed them off. It's exhausting. Right now they are mad at me because of I encouraged them to talk to their bank about something and it didn't go the way they thought it would (though it went exactly the way I told them it would and is a very fair outcome for them).
Whether it makes me an AH or not, I just call it "creating boundaries" and don't let it bother me. My sibling is a grown adult and could take steps to fix this problem, just chooses not to. So i've accepted that this is where our relationship is at.
Yeah I think you can let your kids have their own style while also provide guidance. Sometimes things I think should be obvious like shirts with stains aren’t school appropriate aren’t. DD was getting made fun of last year for wearing the same shirt over and over. She just didn’t make the connection and now asks to be called out if she’s wearing something too frequently. She can have her own style, and does, while having standards to adhere to. Adults do and junior high is the appropriate time to learn. Some of y’all are being harsh. The anxiety comment was not meant in a mean way at all I know but not fitting in can also cause anxiety.
Here's my AITA. Gonna be a little vague on specifics.
My sibling and I have never been particularly close. We have very different personalities and interests. I am much more cerebral and logic-driven and not particularly emotional. They are the opposite. They have accused me in the past of "not caring about their feelings" and we are currently estranged. I have no interest in reconciling right now. But I also realized, which kind of startled me, Is that they were right -- I don't particularly care about their feelings. And that's because most of the time the way they expressed those feelings was by being a total d*ck about it. Raging, hurling accusations, making entitled demands or snippy insults. It was never "Hey, I'm feeling anxious/neglected/hurt/whatever, can we talk about it like adults?" It was always straight to "You're so selfish, how dare you xyz". Maybe a bigger person would be able to look past the delivery and still care enough to want their sibling to feel better, but I just... don't care. Not after a lifetime of it, and a lack of counterbalancing nice behaviors to endear me to them. Does that lack of empathy make me the a**hole?
I would vote everybody sucks here maybe? Not caring about your sibling's feelings seems bad but enforcing boundaries about how you want to be treated is good so it's borderline to me.
Post by mrsslocombe on May 15, 2024 10:23:57 GMT -5
I'm married to someone who has a Steve Jobs-esque uniform. He has 8+ of the same exact shirt and wears basically the same thing every day. He struggles with anxiety and decision making, so it's one less decision he has to make in a day. He also buys the same foods for breakfast and lunch to eat every week, for the same reason.
If repeating their (clean) favorites takes one thing off their mental plate, I'd just let it go.
Oh gosh, I STILL remember the girl in 4th grade who made fun of me for wearing some denim shorts from Limited Too two days in a row. They were like my only "cool clothes" and I feel like maybe I never wore them again.
I try not to project that onto my DD but I do try to encourage her to branch out from wearing the same thing over and over.
I have hidden one of DH's polos that literally had holes in it. I threw it to the top of my closet and should probably toss it while I'm thinking of it. I did replace it though (it was one of his company shirts that I do for them through work)
I think not because it is just a fluke of genetics/happenstance you even know them. If they weren’t your siblings and acted like this no one, even you would think you should care about their feelings. They’d tell you make new friends and leave these people behind.
It is hard to care about people who treat you like garbage. How are they showing that they care about you?
I'm also the AH because I won't let my mom, 86, buy/wear certain things. She has this weird need to buy whatever it is I am wearing. She already has more clothing than she can fit in the 3 good-sized closets in her house and I'm not talking about a staple like a white tee from Lands End. I'm talking I bought a shirt at Talbots with a distinctive pattern and she went out and bought the exact same item the day after I first wore mine. She also insisted on the same iPhone as I have (she really needs a bigger screen) and put it in the exact same case as mine. Monday she asked me to show her how to use a QR code so I asked her to get her phone so I could show her. She's wondering why she can't unlock her phone-- duh, it's because she grabbed mine.
I also had to restrict her from wearing compression leggings with cropped tops out of the house because my nieces were uncomfortable with the camel toe situation and asked me to intervene. That was a weird conversation.
DD has come up with some interesting outfits. As long as it fits, is clean, and is weather appropriate, we let her dress however she wants. I have accepted that I no longer have any idea whatsoever what is in style and she should get to feel confident in her clothes.
I remember wearing these leggings with little flowers on them alllll the time when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, to the point that my teacher was concerned and approached my mom to ask if they needed help buying me clothes. She meant well but my mom was horrified.
Yeah I think you can let your kids have their own style while also provide guidance. Sometimes things I think should be obvious like shirts with stains aren’t school appropriate aren’t. DD was getting made fun of last year for wearing the same shirt over and over. She just didn’t make the connection and now asks to be called out if she’s wearing something too frequently. She can have her own style, and does, while having standards to adhere to. Adults do and junior high is the appropriate time to learn. Some of y’all are being harsh. The anxiety comment was not meant in a mean way at all I know but not fitting in can also cause anxiety.
But it is literally totally fine to wear the same clean clothes on repeat. I get it’s hard if kids are getting picked on. But I would tell my child that the kid that was picking on them was an asshole and it’s fine to wear clean clothes on repeat. And then help them navigate it if they want to start not wearing the same things so they don’t get picked on. But you don’t need to teach your kid that wearing clean (or comfy)clothes on repeat is a problem because it is not a problem!
For my husband, it's socks. He buys these ridiculously long tube socks that practically go to his knees. He then folds the top down to where he wants his socks to hit on his legs and wears them like this with shorts, all summer. It looks terrible. I'm like...you know there are other options for crew length socks, right? I've been throwing out hints for years. He only likes the Gold Toe brand, and he refused to believe he could purchase a shorter version from them so he lived with this folding situation.
I finally just bought him some Gold Toe "Short Crew" socks, and amazingly, they are in fact, shorter crew socks that are the right length on his legs, that don't require folding! I might have been the asshole but I don't even care because he needed this. It has been decades of him wearing these terrible socks. It had to end and he wasn't going to do it lol.
I think not because it is just a fluke of genetics/happenstance you even know them. If they weren’t your siblings and acted like this no one, even you would think you should care about their feelings. They’d tell you make new friends and leave these people behind.
It is hard to care about people who treat you like garbage. How are they showing that they care about you?
They don't, which is why I am not interested in reconciliation. But I'm also trying to be honest with myself and I don't think it's a simple childish tit-for-tat "Well you don't care about me so I'm not going to care about you!"
Yeah I think you can let your kids have their own style while also provide guidance. Sometimes things I think should be obvious like shirts with stains aren’t school appropriate aren’t. DD was getting made fun of last year for wearing the same shirt over and over. She just didn’t make the connection and now asks to be called out if she’s wearing something too frequently. She can have her own style, and does, while having standards to adhere to. Adults do and junior high is the appropriate time to learn. Some of y’all are being harsh. The anxiety comment was not meant in a mean way at all I know but not fitting in can also cause anxiety.
But there isn't an issue with the kid getting picked on in this situation! They want to wear clean, comfy, appropriate clothing, and both they and their peers seem fine with it - it's only their mom that has a weird issue with it.
A kid asking for help remembering not to wear the same thing too frequently because they would rather have wardrobe variety than be picked on is completely different. And a different kid could decide they want to continue wearing the same outfits and don't care what other kids think!
I know as parents, we all have our own anxieties and histories that shape us and our fears for our kid, but I think it's so important to work to not project all of these onto them when they are have their own personalities and experiences! I really think we should encourage it when kids aren't concerned about just keeping up appearances, because that's such a wonderful trait to have!
Yeah I think you can let your kids have their own style while also provide guidance. Sometimes things I think should be obvious like shirts with stains aren’t school appropriate aren’t. DD was getting made fun of last year for wearing the same shirt over and over. She just didn’t make the connection and now asks to be called out if she’s wearing something too frequently. She can have her own style, and does, while having standards to adhere to. Adults do and junior high is the appropriate time to learn. Some of y’all are being harsh. The anxiety comment was not meant in a mean way at all I know but not fitting in can also cause anxiety.
But it is literally totally fine to wear the same clean clothes on repeat. I get it’s hard if kids are getting picked on. But I would tell my child that the kid that was picking on them was an asshole and it’s fine to wear clean clothes on repeat. And then help them navigate it if they want to start not wearing the same things so they don’t get picked on. But you don’t need to teach your kid that wearing clean (or comfy)clothes on repeat is a problem because it is not a problem!
I agree with you. But since your child is young, I will warn you that the current middle school trend is to have one, maybe two, hoodies that you literally wear every single day of the school week. It doesn’t bother me at all. But “clean” for a middle school hoodie basically means “I haven’t actually spilled anything on it.” One of the many reasons I am ok with this is that fast fashion is so horrible so I would rather have one or two hoodies versus five.
ETA — I’m literally typing this in my pair of jeans that I’m on day three of wearing myself. I work from home, I’m not breaking a sweat and I haven’t spilled anything on them. But these posts are inspiring me to put on a different pair tomorrow!!!
Yeah I think you can let your kids have their own style while also provide guidance. Sometimes things I think should be obvious like shirts with stains aren’t school appropriate aren’t. DD was getting made fun of last year for wearing the same shirt over and over. She just didn’t make the connection and now asks to be called out if she’s wearing something too frequently. She can have her own style, and does, while having standards to adhere to. Adults do and junior high is the appropriate time to learn. Some of y’all are being harsh. The anxiety comment was not meant in a mean way at all I know but not fitting in can also cause anxiety.
But it is literally totally fine to wear the same clean clothes on repeat. I get it’s hard if kids are getting picked on. But I would tell my child that the kid that was picking on them was an asshole and it’s fine to wear clean clothes on repeat. And then help them navigate it if they want to start not wearing the same things so they don’t get picked on. But you don’t need to teach your kid that wearing clean (or comfy)clothes on repeat is a problem because it is not a problem!
I totally agree with wanderingback. If someone starts picking on your kid for what they're wearing, they are clearly the jerk. However, maybe that will bring that to the attention of the child getting picked on and they will realize that they need to wear different things! And wearing the same outfits over and over isn't wrong. If they are happy and clean, then there is nothing wrong with that.
I'm married to someone who has a Steve Jobs-esque uniform. He has 8+ of the same exact shirt and wears basically the same thing every day. He struggles with anxiety and decision making, so it's one less decision he has to make in a day. He also buys the same foods for breakfast and lunch to eat every week, for the same reason.
If repeating their (clean) favorites takes one thing off their mental plate, I'd just let it go.
This is my H too. Black dri-fit shirt and khakis (pants or shorts depending on the season), similar for his workout and sleep clothes, but different colors.
Post by thebreakfastclub on May 15, 2024 12:09:31 GMT -5
As far as fashion choices, I would and do give respectful feedback to my husband and son if something is ill-fitting. In my H's case, I mostly say things like, if you buy your 7th zip-up sweatshirt, can you please donate things you're not wearing and get them out of our closet?
My 5th grader is wearing pants today that are on the verge of too short, but I'm not buying new at the end of the school year. He knows they are too short but doesn't care. If someone picks on him about it, that's really his decision on whether to quit wearing them or do his own thing.
I'm really only concerned with how I personally look each day.
I know as parents, we all have our own anxieties and histories that shape us and our fears for our kid, but I think it's so important to work to not project all of these onto them when they are have their own personalities and experiences! I really think we should encourage it when kids aren't concerned about just keeping up appearances, because that's such a wonderful trait to have!
I had crew socks for DS for winter and ankle socks for summer with shorts. I kept grabbing ankle socks (he never remembers so I grab them on my way downstairs) and he said "why are you always grabbing THESE socks now?" I said the shorter socks look better with shorts. He said "mom, no one is going to bully me because of the length of my socks."
Um WHAT? THEY ABSOLUTELY DID IN THE LATE 90s YOU WHIPPERSNAPPER! Then I saw tiktoks where apparently that's the trend so I just die a little inside when he goes to school in his long ass socks and shorts everyday.
Then one day he wore slides with no socks and someone told him to "cover up those grippers" so now he's also wearing crew socks with the slides, which also kills me on the inside. I've been saying grippers at least 3x a day since he told me that, so now DS says I'm so cringe, life goal complete.
I know as parents, we all have our own anxieties and histories that shape us and our fears for our kid, but I think it's so important to work to not project all of these onto them when they are have their own personalities and experiences! I really think we should encourage it when kids aren't concerned about just keeping up appearances, because that's such a wonderful trait to have!
I had crew socks for DS for winter and ankle socks for summer with shorts. I kept grabbing ankle socks (he never remembers so I grab them on my way downstairs) and he said "why are you always grabbing THESE socks now?" I said the shorter socks look better with shorts. He said "mom, no one is going to bully me because of the length of my socks."
Um WHAT? THEY ABSOLUTELY DID IN THE LATE 90s YOU WHIPPERSNAPPER! Then I saw tiktoks where apparently that's the trend so I just die a little inside when he goes to school in his long ass socks and shorts everyday.
Then one day he wore slides with no socks and someone told him to "cover up those grippers" so now he's also wearing crew socks with the slides, which also kills me on the inside. I've been saying grippers at least 3x a day since he told me that, so now DS says I'm so cringe, life goal complete.
The socks and sandals thing kills me and they all do it. My cute high school nieces and nephews all wear white high socks with Birkenstocks, slides, etc. They are all afraid of seeing toes. It's bizarre!
I had crew socks for DS for winter and ankle socks for summer with shorts. I kept grabbing ankle socks (he never remembers so I grab them on my way downstairs) and he said "why are you always grabbing THESE socks now?" I said the shorter socks look better with shorts. He said "mom, no one is going to bully me because of the length of my socks."
Um WHAT? THEY ABSOLUTELY DID IN THE LATE 90s YOU WHIPPERSNAPPER! Then I saw tiktoks where apparently that's the trend so I just die a little inside when he goes to school in his long ass socks and shorts everyday.
Then one day he wore slides with no socks and someone told him to "cover up those grippers" so now he's also wearing crew socks with the slides, which also kills me on the inside. I've been saying grippers at least 3x a day since he told me that, so now DS says I'm so cringe, life goal complete.
The socks and sandals thing kills me and they all do it. My cute high school nieces and nephews all wear white high socks with Birkenstocks, slides, etc. They are all afraid of seeing toes. It's bizarre!
I mean.... feet and toes are not pretty. I wear Birkenstocks in the summer only because I am miserably hot. I would much rather have my feet covered.
The trend that baffles me is to wear crew socks pulled up on the outside of leggings. WTF?
fortnightlily, Not the AH. Sounds right. I also understand that you are startled for the revelation. Shouldn’t we care about everyone, all the time, especially family??? - That's how I was raised. I am currently not caring about how my sister feels because she decided to get outraged/butt hurt about me not posting on a family group chat - early enough in the day. Sometimes she just decides that I should do something, or do something a certain way. This time it was at a certain time of day. It’s really hard to care when she suddenly invents these rules and then has big emotions that I failed.