I hate to say it, but crew socks are totally in with the youth, and I daresay fashionable, unless you buy them so long they go up to your knees like my DH lol.
My DH is one of five kids. We live about a 6.5 hour drive south of his mom and 3 of his siblings. The other brother lives a 14 hour drive to the west from MIL.
The family has ALWAYS gathered at MIL's for Christmas. We, and the brother who lives 14 hours away, have never missed a Christmas except 2020. We have driven through all kinds of weather and DH, especially, was just over it. So after a particularly harrowing visit in 2022, we announced in early 2023 that we are switching our holiday travel plans - from now on, we'll visit family for Thanksgiving but stay home for Christmas.
We had hoped to get his brother on board with this plan, but according to the brother, his wife's bigwig job means that they literally cannot travel any time of year except around Christmas. So, if we keep with our schedule, we will never see this branch of the family unless we make a separate, 10 hour drive to see them another time of year, and the whole family will never be together again - because we're not willing to travel the one week that brother's family is able to.
So we stuck with this plan for 2023. But now, a couple of months ago, DH's sister who is divorced with a kid and dating a man with his own kids, announced she's pregnant and due in the fall. And she's asked DH if we can come to Christmas this year because she'll have her daughter, her bf will have his kids for the holiday, and the new baby will be here.
DH doesn't want to. His reasoning is that we are willing to make this drive literally 9 months out of the year; and especially now that SIL and her bf have rearranged their custody schedules so that they have their kids on the same weekends, why does it have to be this ONE DAY? And of course the answer is that, Well, the other brother can't come any other time. To which our response is - So, really, who's the unreasonable one, here?
The other issue at play: MIL and the SIL who's pregnant have visited us two times since we moved here in 2011. Two of the other siblings have visited us once, and one has never visited. So DH is especially salty at the idea that "But this is when we can all get together" when ALL of them have made next to zero effort to see us, while we visit MIL at least twice a year (and usually see the 3 nearby siblings during those times, too).
lust2hart, the brother who has the wife who is refusing to travel other times needs to learn to take some trips without his wife, or the wife needs to realize she can actually make time at other times of the year, or miss out on seeing people. That's ridiculous.
lust2hart , the brother who has the wife who is refusing to travel other times needs to learn to take some trips without his wife, or the wife needs to realize she can actually make time at other times of the year, or miss out on seeing people. That's ridiculous.
I think the issue with this is that, if the brother comes out for Thanksgiving without his wife, then part of the family is missing. So it's still "not good enough," for lack of a better way to phrase how my MIL and SIL view the situation. I think MIL and SIL are very WTF at the fact that we are bucking the tradition of the whole family gathering on Christmas. ("But it's CHRISTMAS!" kind of mentality.) And it's a long-standing tradition, going to back to the fact that when my DH was a kid, his family visited *his* grandma (MIL's mom) every year on Christmas Day. So it truly is, "But this is how it's ALWAYS been done."
But it is literally totally fine to wear the same clean clothes on repeat. I get it’s hard if kids are getting picked on. But I would tell my child that the kid that was picking on them was an asshole and it’s fine to wear clean clothes on repeat. And then help them navigate it if they want to start not wearing the same things so they don’t get picked on. But you don’t need to teach your kid that wearing clean (or comfy)clothes on repeat is a problem because it is not a problem!
I agree with you. But since your child is young, I will warn you that the current middle school trend is to have one, maybe two, hoodies that you literally wear every single day of the school week. It doesn’t bother me at all. But “clean” for a middle school hoodie basically means “I haven’t actually spilled anything on it.” One of the many reasons I am ok with this is that fast fashion is so horrible so I would rather have one or two hoodies versus five.
ETA — I’m literally typing this in my pair of jeans that I’m on day three of wearing myself. I work from home, I’m not breaking a sweat and I haven’t spilled anything on them. But these posts are inspiring me to put on a different pair tomorrow!!!
Kids wanting to wear the same thing over and over is nothing new. I didn’t really need a warning about that lol.
So far my general laid back personality has carried over in to parenting and of course you never truly know how you’ll react in a certain scenario but I’m 99% sure that when my kid gets to the stage of wanting to wear the same things over and over I will not care at all.
I actually would be proud that I taught them not to be wasteful and want a bunch of unnecessary clothes that are going to end up in a landfill.
For my husband, it's socks. He buys these ridiculously long tube socks that practically go to his knees. He then folds the top down to where he wants his socks to hit on his legs and wears them like this with shorts, all summer. It looks terrible. I'm like...you know there are other options for crew length socks, right? I've been throwing out hints for years. He only likes the Gold Toe brand, and he refused to believe he could purchase a shorter version from them so he lived with this folding situation.
I finally just bought him some Gold Toe "Short Crew" socks, and amazingly, they are in fact, shorter crew socks that are the right length on his legs, that don't require folding! I might have been the asshole but I don't even care because he needed this. It has been decades of him wearing these terrible socks. It had to end and he wasn't going to do it lol.
I had crew socks for DS for winter and ankle socks for summer with shorts. I kept grabbing ankle socks (he never remembers so I grab them on my way downstairs) and he said "why are you always grabbing THESE socks now?" I said the shorter socks look better with shorts. He said "mom, no one is going to bully me because of the length of my socks."
Um WHAT? THEY ABSOLUTELY DID IN THE LATE 90s YOU WHIPPERSNAPPER! Then I saw tiktoks where apparently that's the trend so I just die a little inside when he goes to school in his long ass socks and shorts everyday.
Then one day he wore slides with no socks and someone told him to "cover up those grippers" so now he's also wearing crew socks with the slides, which also kills me on the inside. I've been saying grippers at least 3x a day since he told me that, so now DS says I'm so cringe, life goal complete.
The socks and sandals thing kills me and they all do it. My cute high school nieces and nephews all wear white high socks with Birkenstocks, slides, etc. They are all afraid of seeing toes. It's bizarre!
I definitely wore socks with my Adidas slides and sandals in high school and that was in the late 90's. To be fair, I played field hockey and lacrosse and wore the Adidas slides to and from games so I already had my knee socks/athletic socks on. But there are definitely pictures of me somewhere wearing socks with my fake birks lol.
lust2hart , the brother who has the wife who is refusing to travel other times needs to learn to take some trips without his wife, or the wife needs to realize she can actually make time at other times of the year, or miss out on seeing people. That's ridiculous.
I think the issue with this is that, if the brother comes out for Thanksgiving without his wife, then part of the family is missing. So it's still "not good enough," for lack of a better way to phrase how my MIL and SIL view the situation. I think MIL and SIL are very WTF at the fact that we are bucking the tradition of the whole family gathering on Christmas. ("But it's CHRISTMAS!" kind of mentality.) And it's a long-standing tradition, going to back to the fact that when my DH was a kid, his family visited *his* grandma (MIL's mom) every year on Christmas Day. So it truly is, "But this is how it's ALWAYS been done."
I’d probably rotate Thanksgiving and Christmas visits. So every other year the entire family can be together.
I do not care what my SKs wear as long as they fit and are clean, and location appropriate. If we are going to a nice dinner or event, you can’t wear sweatpants.
SS would wear sweatpants or basketball shorts daily. That’s fine except he puts on clothes that are too small. I regularly go through his closet at our house but his mom doesn’t. SD reports that when she says something to her mom, she tells her “oh just let him.”” SS is 15 so not a toddler and some things are inappropriate if too tight.
I think the issue with this is that, if the brother comes out for Thanksgiving without his wife, then part of the family is missing. So it's still "not good enough," for lack of a better way to phrase how my MIL and SIL view the situation. I think MIL and SIL are very WTF at the fact that we are bucking the tradition of the whole family gathering on Christmas. ("But it's CHRISTMAS!" kind of mentality.) And it's a long-standing tradition, going to back to the fact that when my DH was a kid, his family visited *his* grandma (MIL's mom) every year on Christmas Day. So it truly is, "But this is how it's ALWAYS been done."
I’d probably rotate Thanksgiving and Christmas visits. So every other year the entire family can be together.
Even every third year. And I think you can hold your ground on not going right on Christmas, but planning something for the days after.
I don’t know who may benefit from a tag, but you are not the AH for teaching and reinforcing good hygiene in clothing for your teenaged/under 19 yo children. And I think this includes rotating what’s in your closet, so you actually wear what you actively chose to purchase, launder, and store. And don’t buy and store what you don’t want to wear.
lust2hart , the brother who has the wife who is refusing to travel other times needs to learn to take some trips without his wife, or the wife needs to realize she can actually make time at other times of the year, or miss out on seeing people. That's ridiculous.
I think the issue with this is that, if the brother comes out for Thanksgiving without his wife, then part of the family is missing. So it's still "not good enough," for lack of a better way to phrase how my MIL and SIL view the situation. I think MIL and SIL are very WTF at the fact that we are bucking the tradition of the whole family gathering on Christmas. ("But it's CHRISTMAS!" kind of mentality.) And it's a long-standing tradition, going to back to the fact that when my DH was a kid, his family visited *his* grandma (MIL's mom) every year on Christmas Day. So it truly is, "But this is how it's ALWAYS been done."
This all sounds crazy lol. I think this is a thread that we had going around the holidays here. NO ONE SHOULD FEEL OBLIGATED TO SEE ANYONE AROUND THE HOLIDAYS. Especially if it doesn't fit into your schedule or you just plain don't want to. Your family unit has put boundaries up about the traveling which is what is best for your family. Your MIL and SIL need to get that and move on. If they want to visit you or they want to plan another time to maybe get everyone together, then have at it.
lust2hart, I am probably not the right person to give advice here, but TEAM YOU 100%. Something about the obligation of holidays and the "but it's tradition" mindset sets me right off. I am happy to get together with my family when it is convenient for all, but I refuse to be beholden to specific dates just because they have a special name.
Post by mrsslocombe on May 15, 2024 14:53:47 GMT -5
lust2hart, NTA. I don't care if you lived 10 minutes away and just didn't feel like spending Christmas with them. If you both agree that it is better for you guys to spend Christmas doing something else, MIL/SIL can stuff it. They are all welcomed to travel to you to see the whole family.
And also not wanting to white knuckle it through snow for 10 hours for one specific day a year is a NORMAL DESIRE. They just accept that the wife can't get off work the other 364 days, but not that you guys don't want to DIE IN A CAR CRASH?!
I don’t know who may benefit from a tag, but you are not the AH for teaching and reinforcing good hygiene in clothing for your teenaged/under 19 yo children. And I think this includes rotating what’s in your closet, so you actually wear what you actively chose to purchase, launder, and store. And don’t buy and store what you don’t want to wear.
That is my issue with my daughter and son wearing only the clothes that are literally folded in their laundry basket (i.e., the same clothes over and over). Don't make me waste my money. You tell me you love it and have to have it? Great. Happy to make a reasonable purchase. Now, show me you appreciate it by having the wherewithal to OPEN A DRAWER to extract the item and put it on your body.
I similarly get loads of guilt (from both my fam & ILs!) that we don’t visit enough or at holidays. We visit each side once a year (they are far away) and ILs never visit us. My family does but will only come over holidays (bc I refuse to travel then) so now I host holidays & people during already stressful times. And while they say they’ll be helpful, they just sit around watching TV or on their phones.
Basically I feel what I have to give is never good enough & I’m about to break over the expectations tbh. (And to tie into fortnightlily , I’m starting to not care about their emotions or feelings…which I feel guilty about bc “BUT FAMILY!” is how I was raised but at this point I just feel like a prop for photos for FB
lust2hart , I am probably not the right person to give advice here, but TEAM YOU 100%. Something about the obligation of holidays and the "but it's tradition" mindset sets me right off. I am happy to get together with my family when it is convenient for all, but I refuse to be beholden to specific dates just because they have a special name.
Aye, there's the rub (from MIL/SIL's perspective) - apparently Christmastime is the only time it works for everyone else.
I dunno. I see both sides. Where I land is that I believe our boundary is unnecessarily firm - we're NEVER traveling at Christmas EVER AGAIN? I would have rather just kept our schedule as-is, where the default is that we will travel for Christmas - but make our "we're going to stay home if the weather looks like it's going to be bad" threshold extremely low, vs. what we've done in the past.
...But of course, then in the years when we stay home because of weather, it means we haven't visited family at all for any holiday...so, family, what would you rather have??
And yes, mrsslocombe, that's the part that gets me. Are we truly unreasonable for not wanting to drive in bad weather? I don't think so. In fact, I KNOW we're not. But I think MIL / SIL are just like, "Oh, it's not that bad..." when A.) I don't think they realize just how little snow we get where we live, and so we're no longer used to driving in it like they are; and B.) THEY AREN'T THE ONES WHO ARE DRIVING IN IT.
lust2hart , so it sounds like you guys have blacklisted one date of the year, and you have a BIL's family that has whitelisted that exact date, and is unwilling to flex on ANY other weekend?
If I'm boiling that down right, what you've got here is a BIL problem (or possibly more precisely a BIL's wife problem), and you are definitely NTAH. I can get behind an accountant saying March/April is no good. I can get behind someone whose role is quarter-driven, being unable to do quarter end, or EOY. I can get behind a teacher saying travel has to be on breaks. But "I'm willing to travel exactly one weekend a year" is some BS, I don't care how fancy her bigwig title is.
FWIW, I 100% support repeating "we can't do that weekend. We can offer A, B, C ... X, Y, Z other options" until somebody meets you partway. It's not on you to always be the ones to give.
I also really bristle at these sorts of "it doesn't count unless we have 100% attendance" events, and I'm getting less willing to accommodate it. My ILs often take that view, and it makes me feel like I'm a role, not a person/family member. Like, they DGAF if Susie is present, as long as somebody who checks the box for DIL #2 is present. I could send total stranger as long as she looked enough like me.
lust2hart , I am probably not the right person to give advice here, but TEAM YOU 100%. Something about the obligation of holidays and the "but it's tradition" mindset sets me right off. I am happy to get together with my family when it is convenient for all, but I refuse to be beholden to specific dates just because they have a special name.
Aye, there's the rub (from MIL/SIL's perspective) - apparently Christmastime is the only time it works for everyone else.
I dunno. I see both sides. Where I land is that I believe our boundary is unnecessarily firm - we're NEVER traveling at Christmas EVER AGAIN? I would have rather just kept our schedule as-is, where the default is that we will travel for Christmas - but make our "we're going to stay home if the weather looks like it's going to be bad" threshold extremely low, vs. what we've done in the past.
...But of course, then in the years when we stay home because of weather, it means we haven't visited family at all for any holiday...so, family, what would you rather have??
And yes, mrsslocombe , that's the part that gets me. Are we truly unreasonable for not wanting to drive in bad weather? I don't think so. In fact, I KNOW we're not. But I think MIL / SIL are just like, "Oh, it's not that bad..." when A.) I don't think they realize just how little snow we get where we live, and so we're no longer used to driving in it like they are; and B.) THEY AREN'T THE ONES WHO ARE DRIVING IN IT.
I don’t think you/DH are AHs, but I do think you’re being kind of inflexible as well by making the blanket declaration that you will never travel for Christmas. I get the weather thing, but can’t you play that by ear? I feel like it’s kind of silly to just assume the weather for Christmas is always going to be bad so you just won’t ever go to the family Christmas, ever. Do I think you should have to go every year? No, of course not. But it sounds like this year is kind of an exceptional year, with SIL/baby/extended family being there. Is it really a huge deal to say you’ll come, weather permitting? And then make a judgment call when the time is actually here, rather than in May?
I hate to say it, but crew socks are totally in with the youth, and I daresay fashionable, unless you buy them so long they go up to your knees like my DH lol.
I read something recently that said you can tell millennials and gen Z by their socks. Millennials where ankle socks and gen Z wears crew socks.
I also wore and still wear socks with my slides. The original intent of these shoes was just that. Take off your soccer cleats (for example) and just put the slides on. Never was the intent to wear them barefoot.
I also had to restrict her from wearing compression leggings with cropped tops out of the house because my nieces were uncomfortable with the camel toe situation and asked me to intervene. That was a weird conversation.
While I would be mortified to actually have this conversation this gave me the church giggles LOL
I had crew socks for DS for winter and ankle socks for summer with shorts. I kept grabbing ankle socks (he never remembers so I grab them on my way downstairs) and he said "why are you always grabbing THESE socks now?" I said the shorter socks look better with shorts. He said "mom, no one is going to bully me because of the length of my socks."
Um WHAT? THEY ABSOLUTELY DID IN THE LATE 90s YOU WHIPPERSNAPPER! Then I saw tiktoks where apparently that's the trend so I just die a little inside when he goes to school in his long ass socks and shorts everyday.
Then one day he wore slides with no socks and someone told him to "cover up those grippers" so now he's also wearing crew socks with the slides, which also kills me on the inside. I've been saying grippers at least 3x a day since he told me that, so now DS says I'm so cringe, life goal complete.
The socks and sandals thing kills me and they all do it. My cute high school nieces and nephews all wear white high socks with Birkenstocks, slides, etc. They are all afraid of seeing toes. It's bizarre!
One of the young women (maybe a senior in high school or college freshman) who works with my son explained the socks as a defensive move against creepy guys who are into feet. She wasn't going to let them peek for free.
The socks and sandals thing kills me and they all do it. My cute high school nieces and nephews all wear white high socks with Birkenstocks, slides, etc. They are all afraid of seeing toes. It's bizarre!
One of the young women (maybe a senior in high school or college freshman) who works with my son explained the socks as a defensive move against creepy guys who are into feet. She wasn't going to let them peek for free.
Is that a common problem these days? I don't think I've ever seen someone be lecherous because the other party had exposed feet. I may just be out of touch.
My 6yr old is into crew socks, but insists on wearing my Hs big socks and then rolling/folding them down. That's prob not even the worst people would be HORRIFIED with how my kids dress based on this thread lol. They have like 8-10 of a clothing item and I do laundry 1x week so the same outfits are worn basically every week. And it is sometimes completely unmatching or oddly layered. Idk I'm not into clothes and I just can't care enough to argue. I suggest things sometimes but if they don't want to listen 🤷♀️
VV curious what the BIL's wife does that is so important she can be nowhere ever except on Christmas. I can think of literally nothing where you're essential but for 1 week/year and that week is always the same week.
One of the young women (maybe a senior in high school or college freshman) who works with my son explained the socks as a defensive move against creepy guys who are into feet. She wasn't going to let them peek for free.
Is that a common problem these days? I don't think I've ever seen someone be lecherous because the other party had exposed feet. I may just be out of touch.
It’s about people selling feet pics for money, and if you have your toes out, they get it for free.
It was huge on SM about 6 months ago, especially for teenagers.
Aye, there's the rub (from MIL/SIL's perspective) - apparently Christmastime is the only time it works for everyone else.
I dunno. I see both sides. Where I land is that I believe our boundary is unnecessarily firm - we're NEVER traveling at Christmas EVER AGAIN? I would have rather just kept our schedule as-is, where the default is that we will travel for Christmas - but make our "we're going to stay home if the weather looks like it's going to be bad" threshold extremely low, vs. what we've done in the past.
...But of course, then in the years when we stay home because of weather, it means we haven't visited family at all for any holiday...so, family, what would you rather have??
And yes, mrsslocombe , that's the part that gets me. Are we truly unreasonable for not wanting to drive in bad weather? I don't think so. In fact, I KNOW we're not. But I think MIL / SIL are just like, "Oh, it's not that bad..." when A.) I don't think they realize just how little snow we get where we live, and so we're no longer used to driving in it like they are; and B.) THEY AREN'T THE ONES WHO ARE DRIVING IN IT.
I don’t think you/DH are AHs, but I do think you’re being kind of inflexible as well by making the blanket declaration that you will never travel for Christmas. I get the weather thing, but can’t you play that by ear? I feel like it’s kind of silly to just assume the weather for Christmas is always going to be bad so you just won’t ever go to the family Christmas, ever. Do I think you should have to go every year? No, of course not. But it sounds like this year is kind of an exceptional year, with SIL/baby/extended family being there. Is it really a huge deal to say you’ll come, weather permitting? And then make a judgment call when the time is actually here, rather than in May?
Yeah, I'm actually with you. It's been a long time since we talked about this (bc we made this decision in January 2023), but from what I remember of his reasons: 1.) About half the time we've had bad weather. 2.) We've had a few years that, when we left our house the forecast was all good, but then a storm blew up during our visit and made our drive home nasty.
And otherwise, I think he thought it would be better to just make this move once, rather than having to play will we / won't we go every year. Just decide now, and then it's done.
Is that a common problem these days? I don't think I've ever seen someone be lecherous because the other party had exposed feet. I may just be out of touch.
It’s about people selling feet pics for money, and if you have your toes out, they get it for free.
It was huge on SM about 6 months ago, especially for teenagers.
This seems like an odd thing to be suddenly modest about. Some people like shoulders, arms, collarbones….and yet people still wear tank tops. Some people like butts, and people still wear tight leggings or pants. Some people like elbows and we still wear t-shirts.
VV curious what the BIL's wife does that is so important she can be nowhere ever except on Christmas. I can think of literally nothing where you're essential but for 1 week/year and that week is always the same week.
Exactly.
She's a VP of a global company, one I can guarantee everyone on here is heard of and owns at least one of their products or knows someone who does. So yes, a really big job. HOWEVER, a few months ago her mom was sick, and she worked remotely for, like, a month while she stayed in her hometown (7 hours away from her current residence). So, yeah.
I think the "real" issue is that: current residence -> 7 hours to wife's hometown -> another 7 hours to MIL's
And they don't want to drive 14 hours to MIL's for Thanksgiving and then turn around and drive 7 hours to wife's hometown for Christmas. Which I get! I mean, we don't want to drive either, hence the issue. But to put it all on us, which is what MIL and SIL have been doing, feels really unfair.