I have always been very motivated to continue traveling with kids. I figured they would be more work and we would have to change up how we did some things, but I still wanted to go places and I believed it could be good for all of us. But what I did not anticipate was all the nonstop whining and complaining. It is soul sucking.
We went on vacation last week (kids are 5, 7, 11) - train to DC, 2 days there, then drive up to Niagara Falls for several days, then in reverse to go back home. (we found out a week before our trip that my H cannot fly at the moment because of a health thing. Which is why we switched to train and driving.) The whining and crying and complaining just did not let up the whole time. "All I want to do is go back home" started as soon as we left our driveway. Everything we did they said this is so boring, this is the worst trip ever, please don't ever make us go on vacation again. There's only so long I can stay positive before it completely wears me down.
I am at a loss. I still (theoretically) want to travel with my kids. But when I think about how to make it less awful, the only thing I can come up with is to just not go. Is this a normal phase? Can I expect it to get better before they are adults who have moved out? My 11 year old is the worst about. Any suggestions or magic to make the next trip better?
Our kids (9 and 11) are homebodies. Idk if it's their age, personality, a COVID thing...but this seems to be the norm amongst their friends as well.
Travel is also super tiring, even for adults. Maybe plan something with stops along the way or keep travel to a few hours? It sucks to hear complaints when you have planned a fun thing, it just makes you feel unappreciated and like you are burning your money.
Do your kids have any input beyond just wanting to stay home? If they could plan a trip what would they want to do? Our kids favorite vacation is a beach resort we go to, which isn't my favorite type of vacation but they get to see their friends and hang out at the pool and beach all day.
Post by starburst604 on Jul 26, 2024 8:13:26 GMT -5
My kid isn't a road trip kid. She's 9 and hates long car rides plus she gets carsick easily. So for us, we do better with a trip where we fly in and out and have kid-centric fun things planned vs sightseeing. It's too bad because I'd love to do a trip like you just did but she would be miserable on a journey like that. Hopefully your H will be able to fly again and the kids will be more enjoyable to be around!
I feel you my DS is 10, DD is 7 - we did a White House tour last week (we're in Northern Virginia) and I snapped a picture of them looking MISERABLE. Like, Christmas card worthy pic. We hit the air and space museum sometimes but they lose interest quickly.
I think it's normal, some people have unicorn kids that are up for educational/interesting stuff. There's a reason Great Wolf Lodge is packing w/kids your ages. We pretty much have a 'no longer than 4 hrs drive' rule. That's how far my mom is, and generally we like to keep driving limited to ~2 hours or less.
I try to structure our trips around things they'll really enjoy, e.g., theme parks, rafting, beach, kid friendly food. We did the Met in NYC 2 Christmases ago, they enjoyed it for an hour max, but then we had to go to lunch. So I think setting reasonable expectations re their engagement and then having something they'll LOVE + souvenirs and stuff is helpful.
ETA: They tend to reflect more positively on trips later. In the moment, getting there on the plane can be miserable but eventually they're like "when are we going back?" I also make photo books and calendars to help them remember the best parts.
We have done many trips with our now 7 year old. I think my biggest takeaway is to remember that she is a kid and she does not want to travel quite like an adult does.
I aim to plan one activity a day and the rest of the day is either relaxing or doing something they really want to do. My husband and I also will split up - I will go off and do something that I want knowing my kid will hate and he stays with her doing something she wants. Then we can switch.
For a place like a big city, I’d probably plan something in the morning that we’d like and she will tolerate (like a bus tour) then in the afternoon we’d go to the hotel pool or relax. Dinner will be somewhere we want and she can bring her iPad.
Before leaving, it may also help to explain where you are going and have them all pick an activity that they would like to do there. If everyone doesn’t want to do it then cool. Bring the kids who want to do it and let the others stay with the other parent.
Be flexible, get them involved, but don’t stop traveling!
Post by karinothing on Jul 26, 2024 8:24:17 GMT -5
I really think this is kid specific. My kids love to travel and look at everything as an adventure, so they have never complained. For car rides we listen to audio books, and I make sure they have plenty of snacks (and always let them stop for fast food/ice cream). For planes they get iPad/snacks. Basically, travel is just a free for all
We also try to plan something for everyone, even if it is a short weekend everyone will get one activity that they want to do. We have been traveling with them since they were babies, and we talk constantly about travel and adventuring. So much so that in every Mother's Day card my kids talk about travel lol. Before we go on a trip, I also set expectations and talk about what we are going to do every day, what we will see.
But I have friends whose kids are similar to yours; they will just complain nonstop. Her kids don't like to leave the house. So, I don't know how much of it can be fixed, so people just don't like to travel.
I also think you can tell the 11-year-old to quit it. IMO they are old enough to know that they can keep things to themselves. For example, the other day we were running errands all day and my 13-year-old was upset. These were errands for a remodel. I told him flat out that I do everything for him and make sure he has everything he wants, and he can give me one day to do something I want without making me feel bad about it, and he stopped. I think sometimes folks need to be reminded that their feelings aren't the only ones that matter, even if they are kids.
Welp, this gives me no hope for the future. My kids are newly 2 and 4 and our hope is, "Only 2 more years until this is tolerable!"
We just got back from a week in a very cool city and it was almost tolerable, because we were with friends who have also have kids. The novelty of being with friends (actually friends be default) did keep the kids occupied and entertained quite a bit. But OMG the noise levels - our nerves are well and truly fried now.
I think this is so kid dependent. My DD loves traveling. However her favorite things are cruises and Disney. She knows what to expect there and it’s exhausting but fun for everyone.
Now that’s older she is ready for other things. She helps us plan and I think that adds to the excitement. For her busy active vacations are key. Pure beach trips are not.
On the other hand my niece is 20. She hates everything about traveling and always has. She gets anxious away from home.
But yes under like age 8 it’s just parenting in another location. 11 can be a crappy age anywhere. And say don’t stop traveling but manage expectations and get input on where to go.
Oh god, I feel you. The whining, the fighting, the constant asking to buy stuff … oh my god. The best vacations we had were when the kids each had a friend along. They played with their friends and seemed less likely to want to act like pills in front of their friends. That’s all I got.
My kids are basically 6 and 3 (both birthdays are imminent) and I feel like we’re just as of this summer “back in business”. My husband and I traveled extensively pre-kids but we’ve only done domestic road trips since. DD1 is our adventurer - she’s game for anything and wants to fly so badly. DD2 is more challenging. She’s more sensitive to change so has a hard time adjusting to a different bed, etc.
This summer we went to New Hampshire which we split into a two-day drive. We planned for kid-centric stops including two nights at my brother’s house at the midpoint of the drive. They enjoyed visiting with their cousin. Once we got to NH we made sure there was a balance of things the adults wanted to do, a hike or scenic drive, and a playground for the kids. We’d tire the kids out and then make sure we did a longer drive during nap time so they could sleep in the car.
We’ve also made a conscious choice to go to more nature-based destinations at their young ages because they’re not going to be able to appreciate cultural or historically significant icons and we don’t want to feel like we missed out because of their griping or inattention.
Oh god, I feel you. The whining, the fighting, the constant asking to buy stuff … oh my god. The best vacations we had were when the kids each had a friend along. They played with their friends and seemed less likely to want to act like pills in front of their friends. That’s all I got.
OH yes, I forgot to mention this. We do travel with friends quite often so the kids can entertain each other.
Yeah, this. At least until they are a lot older, my sisters kids are 15 and 17 and they’ve been on some pretty awesome trips. But she still has a hard time with everyone being happy, kids like different things and they have to compromise.
I’m sorry you had a rough trip. I’m wondering how long the train ride/driving parts were. DC to Niagara is pretty far right? I’m not a road trip person and that would be tough on me. But the train/driving wasn’t your plan so it is extra hard to deal with the complaints when you all needed to be flexible.
My kids are almost 6 and 9 and we have fun trips with them, but we plan our trips to be very kid friendly. Amusement parks, pools, kid activities. Most of our trips are visiting family/cousins. And even then they complain a lot, get tired, are picky about food, etc. Vacations with kids is just parenting in a different place, and can be even harder than usual since you don’t have the comforts of home. It’s tough.
I think the key is planning kid friendly trips. This sounds not super kid friendly to be honest. DC is hot as shit right now and Niagra is a schlep from DC.
Would I prefer to go on an adult trip somewhere? Sure, but shit like Great Wolf Lodge, cruises and the beach are what keep my kids engaged and happy. Someday we'll be able to plan better things.
Commiseration. We took DS (13) and DD (11) to Europe and they fought like animals the entire time. They were otherwise happy, excited and appreciative, but we literally could not walk down the street without them elbowing and trying to trip each other. Sigh.
Anyway, when they were younger we always just did a house rental in Florida or similar, beach in the morning, pool in the afternoon, kid friendly activities. DS doesn't love swimming anymore, but it worked well for about ages 5-11.
I think there were things they liked, they just won't admit it after the fact. They liked the train because we let them have unlimited screens during the non-sleeping hours lol. In Niagara Falls we went over some options and let each person in the family pick one thing they wanted to do. It went ok, it's just, even walking down the street is a constant referee battle. I'm guessing my son liked the boat ride the best, but he doesn't want to say it because he says he's afraid we'll plan boat rides for every trip from now on. By the end of the week even my H was complaining that he wanted to go home and I think that's when I reached the end of my rope. It was like I had 4 whiny kids then.
When I was late teens I went to Niagara Falls with my parents and it was the worst vacation I've been on. Because of family stuff, not the location. I was looking forward to better memories, but when my daughter said this was the worst vacation she's been on, it just hit me in the gut.
Post by midwestmama on Jul 26, 2024 8:56:18 GMT -5
I really don't have suggestions, I'm here to commiserate. My kids are more homebodies (like me and DH), so there was lots of complaining during our family trip to Europe last summer. They complained about the walking, the food, doing things/going places all day, etc. DH and I reminded them we were in EUROPE and they should appreciate and enjoy the experience since it may not happen again (at least to the same locations/countries). By the end of the trip, we gave up a bit and they spent at least half a day just sitting in the hotel room in Frankfurt on their phones. As a note on ages, last summer DD was 12.5 and DS turned 14 on the trip, so certainly old enough to walk around for some distance.
DH and I are talking about taking a family trip to Europe again next summer (but to different countries/locations than the last trip) using bonus money and Delta points I've saved up from work travel, and I think one thing we'll do differently is schedule a bunch of those golf cart tours so that it is less walking, but we still get to see a lot of sights. Food will depend on the location, I guess, but typically we can find a pizza place, Italian restaurant (they both will eat pasta), and a steakhouse (which tends to have some American-type options). DH and I have said we'd never go on a cruise, but we may have to consider it for a future trip to Europe, as it may have standard food options the kids will eat.
ETA: I also think my kids had no idea what to expect on the trip to Europe last year, so if we go next summer, at least they will have an understanding of what it will be like. I also think it might be better if we include them more in the planning, such as if there is a certain city or site they would like to visit, and then we can see what we can make happen.
My kids are both homebodies, but do like to travel. I think the big things are letting them have input into where we go (DH and I will give them like 3-4 possibilities), have them help plan what we do and then make sure they know what the general schedule is, and building in downtime so we only have a morning OR afternoon activity/no back to back full days. Once we're there, being flexible and changing the plan as needed is a big one too, so I do a LOT of research so I've got back up options ready so we're not getting frustrated and grumpy when something doesn't work out.
mpc, yup see my comment above, the literally could not walk down the street without fighting. DD (11) is also the worst of it and the major instigator. DS (13) was actually pretty good. Your DH also needs to suck it up and not add more drama. Sorry it wasn't that fun. We have Niagara on our list, but I think we are going to pick a closer place now because we have less time and money, so we might just do St. Louis for our next break from school.
I really wanted to go to Europe next summer, but I can't figure out what 'kid-friendly' would look like exactly. Obviously they are not interested in going to like the Louvre lol. I don't really want to cross the ocean just to swim in hotel pools. Maybe that is a subject for another thread.
When I was late teens I went to Niagara Falls with my parents and it was the worst vacation I've been on. Because of family stuff, not the location. I was looking forward to better memories, but when my daughter said this was the worst vacation she's been on, it just hit me in the gut.
Aww---I'm sorry. <3 I get it.
When I was super pregnant with DS2 I wanted to take DS1 to Sesame Place. He loved Elmo and I had this moment in my head where he would just be so happy and we'd get these adorable pictures. Well--he was terrified of Elmo and wouldn't take a picture with him. My H told me to get a grip and drop the idea of the photo, but I couldn't because in my head I had planned it so he would be so happy and he wasn't. Once I was able to let go of that perfection, we enjoyed the day so much more even if his idea of fun was playing in one area basically the whole day.
This is mostly rambling but essentially it's ok to be disappointed. At the end of the day I promise your daughter will look back on it as a trip her mother but so much love into planning.
My DD loves a good adventure, but museums and sightseeing are still pretty boring for her at nearly 12. She loves interactive things, like science museums, hands on and active activities. She would not enjoy a DC trip at her age, just not quite interactive enough for her. She probably would enjoy Niagara falls for about 10 minutes, then be done.
We are going on an Alaskan cruise in a couple of weeks, I made sure some excursions are adventurous and active like zip lining and kayaking. I involve her in decisions regarding trips, but it's a delicate balance between my idea of vacation and hers. I know for now, if I focus a bit more heavily on her idea of fun I can squeeze in an item or two I enjoy.
There are a lot of trips that we just don't do right now. My kids (5 and 8) aren't interested in traveling to cities, going to museums, visiting landmarks and historical sights, and stuff like that. Many of the trips we took pre-kids would not hold their interest even though I thought they were great. I'm thinking of driving around Ireland, and taking trains around Italy where we ate (things other than mac & cheese), drank (wine), and saw historical and cultural sights. They also have very real limits for road tripping that we exceed at our peril. DC to Niagara Falls would be miserable, but we do 5 hour drives pretty regularly.
We've been taking beach vacations all along, and started breaking back into "real travel" this year with Costa Rica, which was amazing. Culturally they're very family and kid-friendly, laid back, and informal, and we felt comfortable with our kids everywhere. There was a lot more stuff to DO and less stuff to LOOK AT. We did a lot of hiking (which my kids thankfully do well with) in the rain forest and beach days. To icedcoffee's point about pace, we tended to plan one activity per day, and then have some planned down time where the kids could just be kids at a pool, beach, whatever. That's less than we would pack in if we were traveling without the kids, but the pace was more sustainable for them. We actually enjoyed the things we did vs. it being a forced death march of fun. We're looking for more destinations with this vibe (and/or might just go back and do CR again).
The other thing that we have found works really well if you have these people in your life, is to go on vacation with another family. We did CR with one of my college besties who has kids about my kids' ages. Built in friends meant they self-entertained better than at home. It made it more of a vacation for me. It's still parenting in another location, but less pretend this, play that.
We travel a lot, especially internationally, and I don't have the most agreeable kids all the time. Overall, DH and I love it, so we're making it happen.
I am sure to schedule in downtime -- time at the pool, relaxing in the room, a day where we just explore a park. Non-stop 100% go-go-go all of the time does not work. I approach every destination as this is the first time we're visiting. We will be back, so no need to do it ALL. Also, I acknowledge that my kids have a limit. They will only walk so long, not all day like DH will happily do. So I don't burn through that walking limit when we can easily and/or affordably take an Uber/subway/train. I save it for when the only option is walking. DH is learning this right now with our 12 year old in Tokyo lol. Sometimes, the plan shifts. Flexibility for everyone, full stop.
I am more lenient in some ways with screen time. We do not travel with devices -- so no switches/tablets, but they do have phones and if we're driving, we bring the family iPad for movies and I do not limit that.
I agree also with setting expectations with kids. Mine are not allowed to whine incessantly and they aren't allowed to keep score about what's fair. Feelings are okay, spilling them out over everyone else with a goal to ruin the day is not. If that's happening, time to figure out the why behind it. My youngest (he's 10) will purposefully act out when he's bothered and a 5 minute conversation about what's going on goes a really long way.
My kiddos do better when they're part of the planning and when they know how the day is going to go, so I'm sure to do that. I also set souvenir $$ expectations at the beginning.
We have one kid, and he’s 10, so it’s a little bit different.
We try to set expectations from the beginning. Here are some things we’re going to do. We have selected some things specifically that he wants to do, but we have also selected things that mom and dad want to do, and he is expected to come along and make the most of it. We will not eat pizza and McDonalds every day. Traveling is an expensive, but we can enjoy it best if we all go in with a good attitude. The goal is for everyone to have a good trip, but that does NOT mean that we all get to have our way all the time — we will all need to compromise and honor that we each have different interests.
We did a recent trip to London, and I think this worked pretty well. We made sure to set aside time for small treats (stop for ice cream, pizza for lunch, activity just for him), and tried not to over schedule too much. We let him figure out how to navigate the tube. Honestly he was thrilled to ride on a double-decker city bus.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Jul 26, 2024 9:13:23 GMT -5
We ran into this for the first time this year when we went to Alaska. Kids are 5 and 11. We try to take a vacation and a smaller long weekend every year, and they had previously been great travelers.
This time, there was a lot more of a selfish focus from them. They’re kids; I expect some of that. But I got the distinct impression they thought this trip was only for them and that all trips should be only about their interests.
About 3 days in, my husband and I both laid into them one morning when they were fighting about getting up early to go on an excursion. The main points were: 1. Their behavior is TOO selfish, even for their ages, and we were ashamed of the way they were acting. We stressed that the kids should reflect on their entitlement.
2. Vacation is for everyone, not just the kids. It’s important to be aware that your parents are people, too, and want and deserve to do things that interest them and they enjoy, whether you like them or not. Some things are for kids and some are for adults. You don’t have to like everything.
3. Shutting the fuck up is free and preferred (said nicer, of course) when you aren’t enjoying something.
4. Vacations are expensive and enriching. Appreciate them instead of greeting every activity with negativity.
5. And again, it’s time to STFU and let us all enjoy this experience.
I think because it was such a tear down and we presented a united front, they got it. The rest of our vacation was fantastic with only normal kids shenanigans.
I have kids your age (4 of them) so I totally get what you're saying. We do a lot of camping and the first day/night is always miserable. Even though I know to expect it, it doesn't make it easier. My kids are also mean to each other. Things are tolerable when we do things to keep their minds busy. Hiking, sightseeing, museums, activities, etc. As soon as those end, it's back to whining and fighting.
Our best trip was this year when we went with friends who have kids similar ages. They seem to be better behaved when we are with kids their age (don't get that confused with other adults- they're still miserable with other people)
Post by chickadee77 on Jul 26, 2024 9:19:11 GMT -5
We travel a LOT with our kids. Part of it, I think honestly, is just getting used to it (adults and kids).
Things that save us: making sure kids get their space away from each other (and sometimes us!) - this usually happens in the form of allowing them to zone out with books or electronics and disconnect a bit.
Separating the kids and having one-on-one time with each - sometimes travel (especially road trips) is just to much TOGETHER for everyone.
Doing at least a couple kid-friendly activities, especially something that lets them get put some energy - even if that's finding a local playground and letting them run around.
Oh, the other thing is as much space as you can reasonably get. Connecting rooms, AirBnB, condo rentals, whatever. A hotel room that sleeps four is ok for one night, maaaaaybe two, we get much better cooperation if everyone has somewhere that's their own space to retreat to and we're not packed in.