Who sits at the head of the table for the holidays?

[noodleoo]

We haven't hosted in a while, but when we had both H's parents and my parents one year, I sat at one end and H sat at the other. It worked out well so that way my parents were next to me and H's parents were next to him and the kids sprinkled throughout. I think that year I assigned seats because we had so many people. 

Most other times though it is a lot less casual and everyone just sits wherever.  However, I have noticed that when my parents are at my house, they don't automatically take the head seats and I kind of appreciate that.

I agree with F the patriarchy though. It seems really outdated to have 2 men sit at the heads of the table unless it just happens that way randomly.

[mofongo]

Nov 19, 2024 10:45:34 GMT -5 mccallister84 said:

Am I the only one who doesn’t consider the head and foot the best seats? I’d rather be near the middle. Of course it’s really highly dependent on who is sitting near me 😂.

Team, the hosts should get the head and foot, but at the end of the day it’s not a thing in my family and everyone just sits wherever there’s a seat.

This! I wanna be in the middle, where the action is!

[mofongo]

And I know we're all mad about the patriarchy, in the world at large, but this has never been the case in my family! My dad always catered to me 😅 and my H is very much the same. The man literally serves me dinner every night!

[Jalapeñomel]

Whoever sits there first?

[mcppalmbeach]

Nov 19, 2024 10:45:34 GMT -5 mccallister84 said:

Am I the only one who doesn’t consider the head and foot the best seats? I’d rather be near the middle. Of course it’s really highly dependent on who is sitting near me 😂.

Team, the hosts should get the head and foot, but at the end of the day it’s not a thing in my family and everyone just sits wherever there’s a seat.

I was going to say the same. Middle puts you closer to the food and you have more people in range to talk to. I don’t think about the head of the table being a place of honor at all, but our holidays aren’t that formal. It also kind of makes sense for the bigger people to sit on the ends or whoever is going to carve to sit on the end if that’s how you serve (in our family we carve in the kitchen).

I do have a “funny” about this. I think Easter last year my friend hosted her little family plus her MIL and her friend M and her daughter. I guess M doesn’t really observe this tradition either because she grabbed one of the ends of the table to sit. And the MIL made a huge deal about how she should get the end of table as the family matriarch. My friend is also really informal and was mortified that her MIl made this such a big deal and kicked her guest out of her seat.

[shauni27]

We have hosted a few different events now and unless we absolutely need to, we do not seat anyone at the head/foot of the table, lol. Just along the sides.

[purplinsky]

For Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Easter, or any other get together people just sit where they want to sit. Sometimes it's an adult, sometimes it's a teenager, and sometimes it's a toddler. I honestly don't think it's ever crossed our minds to have people sit in a certain spot based on their gender, age, or whose house it is. I would probably roll my eyes (at least to myself) if someone insisted on seating arrangements like this...it just seems silly and I would be pretty offended if someone said it was because they were the head of the family or some shit like that. No, we're not living in a patriarchy here. If someone is older and needs the end seat since it's easier to access then that's one thing, but no special treatment for going around the sun more times than other people.

[mysteriouswife]

Whoever sits there first isn’t an option?

[deadwing]

Nov 19, 2024 11:42:57 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Nov 19, 2024 10:45:34 GMT -5 mccallister84 said:

Am I the only one who doesn’t consider the head and foot the best seats? I’d rather be near the middle. Of course it’s really highly dependent on who is sitting near me 😂.

Team, the hosts should get the head and foot, but at the end of the day it’s not a thing in my family and everyone just sits wherever there’s a seat.

This! I wanna be in the middle, where the action is!

And by action, you mean being elbowed while people cut their food?

[wildrice]

My grandparents always hosted Thanksgiving, and they both sat on the same end of the table next to each other. I guess that was the "head" seats, but also a little cramped with two of them!

My family always hosted Christmas but we'd have 30+ people there so there was no head of the table - we had multiple tables and people just sat wherever.

Now that we don't do holidays with extended family, there are no rules. Truly, the adults most often sit where my sister's kids decide we do, since for some reason they enjoy choosing for us. None of us care.

ETA: I have always lived in another state from my family as an adult and have traveled to them, so I have never hosted a holiday meal.

[mysteriouswife]

Am I the only one who has never been to a seated dinner for thanksgiving? We have a buffet style meal and everyone sits where there’s a spot open.

I guess when you are 1 of 23 grandkids you just figure it out. My dad side is slightly smaller, but again no assigned seats or family style meal

[sadlebred]

Me, but it's just me. I usually eat in front of the tv at the coffee table.

When I was a kid, Dad sat at one end, Mom at the other even if we had guests.

[followyourarrow]

I sit at the head of our table and FI sits beside me. We hosted a large family dinner and future SIL was pissy because she wanted to sit at the head of the table. Um no. This is our home, we provided the meal, this is my regular spot.

[pinkdutchtulips]

In the immortal words of my late gpa ... the head of the table is wherever I sit!

[mustardseed2007]

A random adult. 

[beerlover]

We're in a mixed group but usually the oldest men (my dad and his second cousin) sit at either end, but they're also the tallest/biggest people so it makes sense that way anyway.

I prefer to be in the middle where the action is, as someone else mentioned.

[sofamonkey]

Lol, so archaic. For us, the head is who is most willing to get up and get things!

[mofongo]

Nov 19, 2024 12:51:28 GMT -5 mysteriouswife said:

Am I the only one who has never been to a seated dinner for thanksgiving? We have a buffet style meal and everyone sits where there’s a spot open.

I guess when you are 1 of 23 grandkids you just figure it out. My dad side is slightly smaller, but again no assigned seats or family style meal

It's not like assigned seats, and we make our plates in kitchen, buffet style. But there are tables that have been set. I'm with my dad's side in tgiving and it's smaller family, especially now that so many have passed.

[CrazyLucky]

This is not something I generally care about at all. For regular meals, DH and I trade off sitting on an end or a side. At family dinners, it's really just whoever sits wherever, no design or forethought. However, there is no way I'm letting my brother or FIL or any other man sit at the head of the table simply for the fact that he is male. No way. I'll sit there, I'll put my 12 year old DD there... we are not teaching my kids that men get things just for being men.

[Roc A Bee]

The only time the heads of the table are used are if we are hosting more than our normal 4.

And honestly it is usually a skinny kid because of how the table is situated, those seats can be tight!

[rhian]

Nov 19, 2024 10:44:55 GMT -5 cville said:

Also, OP, hell to the no on what your husband is suggesting if it's for honoring your dads reasons. Unless he plans to alternate with letting mom and MIL sit there.

Honoring elders: aces

Honoring male elders because penis: fuck no

Agree! If they have some mobility challenges due to their age (and are the only ones present who do), having them sit on the ends makes sense to me. If it's just because they're men, fuck that.

Our seating arrangements with large groups are about logistics and often change meal to meal because toddlers are chaotic. At my parents' house, my mom sits at the end on one side, because it's closest to the kitchen and she does most of the cooking. The other end of the table is a high chair, where usually the youngest grandchild sits. The rest of the seating is arranged around the grandkids (they're all under 4, so it's mostly making sure everyone is next to a parent). My dad gets whatever seat is left lol. So he's definitely not the "honored" one with preferential seating, because he has the least need to be in any specific location.

[tiki]

For hosting H is usually at one end, because he's deaf in one ear and if he's seated along a side his bad ear will always be towards someone. The other end is generally our friend who is just taller/larger than the other adults, so he has more room to be comfortable. For regular family dinners (3 people) DD is the head of the table, lol. 

[sdlaura]

We host our 18-person Thanksgiving dinner on our backyard patio, and the head of the table is closest to the kitchen - so I sit there, since I'm most likely to be getting up and down frequently to grab things.

Our Thanksgiving is for 8 adults and 10 kids age 13 and under, with the youngest being 4. So it's a miracle if we all can actually gather around the table to eat together for a few minutes. Maybe if we were all sitting down longer, we'd pay more attention to placement

[eb777888]

We are very casual. I think it's usually David, lol. If not him, then H. If we were to have a big formal dinner, it would be me and H at the head of the table. I don't really care about where I sit, but if I was in your position and I did care, then I would sit where I want IN MY OWN HOME, ya know?

[Aloe Vera]

When I am hosting, I sit where it's more convenient for me to get in and out of the table. If it's the end of the table, that's where I sit.
I don't care about who sits at the end of the table.

[Nonny]

Growing up it was my dad at the "head" which was really just trapping him where he couldn't be a nuisance, and my mom at the "foot" where she'd have to pop up and do all the work.

At my SIL's, it was usually my H at the foot, and my BIL (her H) at the head, and her closest to the kitchen.

At my house, our head and foot are literally the worst seats, because our dining room is tiny but our table is huge, so one is pressed up against the patio door and up in the blinds, and the other is just inches away from falling into our sunken living room. We generally sit ourselves on the side closest to the kitchen, because we're getting up and getting stuff, and the back edge by the wall is also a pain to get in/out of.

[protozoa]

My dad sits at the head of the table at his house. The other end would be an uncle usually. These days there are not that many people so usually no one is at the opposite end. I sit next to my dad in the same seat I've occupied since I was a child haha.

DH sits at the head at Thanksgiving at our house. Whoever sits at the other end. I sit next to him, so we are both close to the kitchen.

FWIW my dad and DH are the primary cooks so they did earn their spots.

[devonpow]

We rotate thanksgiving each year between 3 households and have between 5-6 adults and 6 kids each year. Some houses we have a kids table and adults table and some houses do one giant table. There is no seating chart and no rhyme or reason to who sits at the head. It’s just whomever picks that seat that year.

We do always serve the food buffet style so there’s no one sitting at the head of the table dramatically carving the Turkey.

[TR]

How do you know which is the head and which is the foot?

[megs68]

I agree with you, hosts sit at the head and foot.