Who sits at the head of the table for the holidays?

[hbomdiggity]

Growing up we hosted extended family at most holidays and my parents always sat at the heads. And even at our everyday table as well. When my dad passed, my brother did sit at dad’s spot. Big personality to fill.

We have a rectangular table at our house, but holidays are small so we just sit on sides. Room layout isn’t ideal for anyone to sit at ends unless necessary.

[honeydew1894]

My dad is a lefty, and DH usually sits at the head of our table. I like to sit next to DH. So for regular meals, it is DS and DH at the heads and DD and I across from each other at an oblong table. I used to sit at the head, but I can't remember why I changed spots. We are very much creatures of habit, and both kids get bent out of shape if someone else is in "their" seat.

[katfco]

We have an oval 6-person table. DD favors one end as her spot. When the in-laws come, the other end is for whoever wants it.

[rachers]

When my DH’s GM was still alive and hosting, she always sat at the head of the table. I’m sure her H would’ve been there but for her it was a logistics thing as much as a hosting thing. She was the first to jump up and replenish rolls or fill up water pitchers.

I actually miss those formal sit down dinners. She always brought out her silver and fancy linens and everything.

[sju]

H sits at the end and IF someone sits at the other end, then it’s open to anyone. I hate getting in and out of the end chair because of the arms so I am perfectly happy on the side. If we go by level of effort then H does most of the cooking anyway lol

[UMaineTeach]

People just sit wherever at all my thanksgivings, no matter who’s house or what side of the family. Buffet grab and go.

Kids table, dining room table, extra living room tables, couch with football that no one actually cares about…

There’s no all sitting around the table, everyone getting served, by passing dishes, giving thanks, and beginning to eat at the same time.

[mysteriouswife]

Nov 19, 2024 16:17:30 GMT -5 TR said:

How do you know which is the head and which is the foot?

I’m not refined enough to know 🤷🏻‍♀️

[wanderingback]

Nov 19, 2024 11:46:40 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Whoever sits there first?

Yeah this is def not a thing in any of my families. I guess I didn’t realize it was actually a thing unless you’re the royal family or something like that lol.

[tacokick]

The head is whatever short side the host wants to sit on. It’s not set by directions or anything like that.

Sometimes if you are being super formal and being served, it’s the furthest away from the door so they can see people arrive and greet them. Added bonus of being less bothered by people coming and going.

[tacokick]

Growing up guests would sit on the end because we normally sat where we sat when we ate regular meals and the guests would sit around us.

As an adult when we used to host dinner parties a lot we would sit closest to the kitchen which wasn’t on an end.

For a birthday the birthday person would sit on an end.

[pixy0stix]

Other - there is not a single person in my family that thinks about this.

[basilosaurus]

If it was grandparents, each would sit on the ends with gramma closest to the kitchen. If my family hosted my dad was at head with grandpa on the other end. Dad's wife usually took the seat closest to the kitchen.

One year at my sister's it was her and bil with bil's father and sister. And me. I did all the planning and cooking. I guess it was natural that I was at the end as the odd one out, but also the closest to the kitchen.

The year I hosted a friendsgiving, I was at the head, also closest to the kitchen.

I'm sensing a pattern.

ETA The most we ever had at a holiday meal was 11. Usually it was either the 6 local (my family of 4 + grandparents). If my Bahamian family were in town it was 10. As they were only an hour flight away and often had many other reasons to be in the States, this was fairly frequent. So there wasn't a need to jockey for space.

Gramma often directed seating impromptu, but old-fashioned hostess style in that she'd suggest people to sit for the facilitation of conversation and for making sure people who hadn't seen each other in awhile could be near. So, if I were home from college, she might suggest I sit near my grandpa with maybe my aunt or boy cousin next to me.

[cjcouple]

Anyone. Seriously, we are not formal and just sit where a spot is open. Sometimes I'm at the head, sometimes the side and sometimes, I'm squeezing onto a corner because there's 7 of us and our space is small.

Idc where I sit (I've even sat at a kid table before) haha. As long as I get to eat when it's hot, I'm a happy woman.

[bittybomb]

My husband does when it’s just the five of us, and I sit in the seat to his left, which is my normal seat, and the seat closest to the kitchen. I also sit in the same seat at the kitchen table. When we have more people we just sort of pile around the table and find a spot wherever we can. Usually grown ups at the dining room table and kids are at the kitchen table, which is moved to be closer to the dining room entrance so it feels like we are all seated together.

[preppy]

DH and I will sit at the ends of the table. We host and are making all the food. I have no interest in giving my FIL that seat.

[litebright]

This is so interesting to me, I really never thought about it but it turns out that I have some feelings about it, lol.

My maternal grandmother used to have big holiday dinners with extra tables set up for the kids, but the adults would all sit at the formal dining table. I remember my grandfather being at the head of that table and I *think* my grandma was at the other end. We hardly ever have such big family meals, we're all too scattered around. When we do, there are multiple tables in multiple rooms and there's not really a "head(s) of table" type of set-up.

When my parents come to my house for a holiday meal, DH and I are always at the ends of the table and my parents sit in the middle seats. For "normal" meals DH is at the head of table and I sit wherever I want.

I am surprised to realize that I'm pretty sure I would be irritated with my dad if he expected that he and DH would be the ones at either end of the table. OTOH, IRL I am 90% sure there have been times when just due to where *I* wanted to sit (next to DH), that he probably ended up there, and I didn't care.

I guess I care less about the actual seating arrangement as long as I get priority to sit where I want in my own house.

[maudefindlay]

When my parents were dating (and living in the midwest)and went to visit my Dad's parents and family in the south for the first time it was quite a shock to my Mom and rightfully so. The women did all the cooking and forget head or side of table...they each stood behind "their man" ready to get whatever he needed or wanted during the meal. Once my parents were alone before my Mom could tell my Dad never again he said "I know, I know that's bad".

[circa1978]

"We're not formal" gives me anxiety. I get nervous when people say, "Oh, just sit anywhere," and then there is a random shuffle around. Just tell me where to sit, thanks. To me, that's not formal; that's active hosting.

[stemmie]

When I'm hosting more than just mom (dad's passed), I sit at the end nearest the kitchen and DH sit at the opposite end. DH is really tall and if the table is filled this gives him extra leg/shoulder room. DS, mom and others fill the sides. If it's a holiday dinner with just mom here, I sit near the kitchen door, DH sits in his usual spot on my left, mom or my right and DS at the opposite end. We always eat in the dining room. My seat is always the same. DH sits to my left and DS to my right.

When I host at mom's, seating is whatever.

[noodleoo]

Nov 20, 2024 9:40:39 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

When my parents were dating (and living in the midwest)and went to visit my Dad's parents and family in the south for the first time it was quite a shock to my Mom and rightfully so. The women did all the cooking and forget head or side of table...they each stood behind "their man" ready to get whatever he needed or wanted during the meal. Once my parents were alone before my Mom could tell my Dad never again he said "I know, I know that's bad".

I'm sorry, WUT?!?  They didn't sit and eat with the family?  When did they eat?

[cville]

Nov 20, 2024 10:19:39 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

"We're not formal" gives me anxiety. I get nervous when people say, "Oh, just sit anywhere," and then there is a random shuffle around. Just tell me where to sit, thanks. To me, that's not formal; that's active hosting.

Same, girl. And for weddings too. Assign people tables. Don't let it be some sort of random cattle call. You know everyone, everyone doesn't know each other. I've been to a few unassigned table weddings and at one I ended up at a table with the groom's grandmother. I didn't even know the groom. It was awkward as hell because she clearly was offended that she hadn't been reserved a place of preference.

[bcv513]

We tend to always go to the same spots in my family. One uncle needs a chair with arms so he can get up, my grandmother can't be near a window or door because she gets cold. The leftys all sit together so we aren't bumping elbows with the right handers

[noodleoo]

Nov 20, 2024 11:49:07 GMT -5 cville said:

Nov 20, 2024 10:19:39 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

"We're not formal" gives me anxiety. I get nervous when people say, "Oh, just sit anywhere," and then there is a random shuffle around. Just tell me where to sit, thanks. To me, that's not formal; that's active hosting.

Same, girl. And for weddings too. Assign people tables. Don't let it be some sort of random cattle call. You know everyone, everyone doesn't know each other. I've been to a few unassigned table weddings and at one I ended up at a table with the groom's grandmother. I didn't even know the groom. It was awkward as hell because she clearly was offended that she hadn't been reserved a place of preference.

OMG a wedding without assigned seating would be my nightmare.  Why would you do that to your guests that you supposedly like???

[orval]

Nov 20, 2024 12:17:37 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Nov 20, 2024 11:49:07 GMT -5 cville said:

Same, girl. And for weddings too. Assign people tables. Don't let it be some sort of random cattle call. You know everyone, everyone doesn't know each other. I've been to a few unassigned table weddings and at one I ended up at a table with the groom's grandmother. I didn't even know the groom. It was awkward as hell because she clearly was offended that she hadn't been reserved a place of preference.

OMG a wedding without assigned seating would be my nightmare.  Why would you do that to your guests that you supposedly like???

I agree with all of this.  I used to work in the wedding industry and not only do people not assign seats, they don't have seats for everyone because they want guests to "mingle".  I have told clients if I didn't get a seat at a wedding I would be highly pissed.  

[livinitup]

My parents host & my dad sits at the end with my mom next to her. It’s a non-issue, and not “head of table” as much as a good spot and the same one as our square kitchen table (in the next room).

It has kind of backfired for my BIL who has parked himself at the other end. Again, a non-issue and nothing I ever noticed when we had my dad’s siblings alive/invited and it just rotated without notice. My H who does not care at all except to make a point to NOT care pointed out that my BIL does care and only sits there. My BIL is a great guy but has a few “throw backs” to being old fashioned and this is one of them. Since he doesn’t help prep or clean at all, he is often sitting alone when ALL of us are doing the work. If anyone notices, it just makes him look silly. And reaching/desperate for status that no one affords him.

[eb777888]

Nov 20, 2024 12:22:12 GMT -5 orval said:

Nov 20, 2024 12:17:37 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

OMG a wedding without assigned seating would be my nightmare.  Why would you do that to your guests that you supposedly like???

I agree with all of this.  I used to work in the wedding industry and not only do people not assign seats, they don't have seats for everyone because they want guests to "mingle".  I have told clients if I didn't get a seat at a wedding I would be highly pissed.  

H's cousin's wedding only had seating for their enormous wedding party (which was like 40 people, biggest wedding party I've ever seen) and no seating for the other 200 people. All of the tables said "reserved for wedding party". We immediately left and as we left I noticed a mom with an infant and no place to sit, she was PISSED. 

[maudefindlay]

Nov 20, 2024 12:33:34 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

Nov 20, 2024 12:22:12 GMT -5 orval said:

I agree with all of this.  I used to work in the wedding industry and not only do people not assign seats, they don't have seats for everyone because they want guests to "mingle".  I have told clients if I didn't get a seat at a wedding I would be highly pissed.  

H's cousin's wedding only had seating for their enormous wedding party (which was like 40 people, biggest wedding party I've ever seen) and no seating for the other 200 people. All of the tables said "reserved for wedding party". We immediately left and as we left I noticed a mom with an infant and no place to sit, she was PISSED. 

And anyone with a disability or the elderly? Everyone should have a seat, but especially that population. I don't blame you for leaving. 40 people is a party. Maybe they skipped so that people would leave and only their closest friends would be left.

I've been to 2 family weddings in the South where you had to walk around to food stations and then there was limited seating, so we were awkwardly standing and eating meat (well only the one wedding, the other ran out of food before we could get any).

[maudefindlay]

Nov 20, 2024 10:30:21 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Nov 20, 2024 9:40:39 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

When my parents were dating (and living in the midwest)and went to visit my Dad's parents and family in the south for the first time it was quite a shock to my Mom and rightfully so. The women did all the cooking and forget head or side of table...they each stood behind "their man" ready to get whatever he needed or wanted during the meal. Once my parents were alone before my Mom could tell my Dad never again he said "I know, I know that's bad".

I'm sorry, WUT?!?  They didn't sit and eat with the family?  When did they eat?

After the men, gag, and then the women did all the clean up too while the men relaxed and watched tv.

[eb777888]

Nov 20, 2024 12:43:07 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

Nov 20, 2024 12:33:34 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

H's cousin's wedding only had seating for their enormous wedding party (which was like 40 people, biggest wedding party I've ever seen) and no seating for the other 200 people. All of the tables said "reserved for wedding party". We immediately left and as we left I noticed a mom with an infant and no place to sit, she was PISSED. 

And anyone with a disability or the elderly? Everyone should have a seat, but especially that population. I don't blame you for leaving. 40 people is a party. Maybe they skipped so that people would leave and only their closest friends would be left.

I've been to 2 family weddings in the South where you had to walk around to food stations and then there was limited seating, so we were awkwardly standing and eating meat (well only the one wedding, the other ran out of food before we could get any).

I'm not sure how it ended up playing out, but it was total chaos in the reception hall! We were all standing around confused as to why all the tables were reserved, lol. The bride and groom were a young couple and my H's aunt planned/paid for the wedding. I think it was just poor planning on her part honestly, because I later found out she was pissed that we left. Anyway, me and H were like fuck this and went to Chili's, lol. (it was like 2003)

[rachers]

This threads making me so grateful that both my DH and Dad are the first ones to jump up and do dishes. I’ll do all the prep but damned if I’m cleaning up after you too!