Post by doggielover on Nov 19, 2024 9:50:21 GMT -5
Assuming you have a rectangle table and are hosting the holidays (or going somewhere) who sits at the heads of the table?
Growing up if we went to my grandparents they would both sit at the heads of the table with everyone on the sides. If my parents hosted my dad and a grandfather would sit at the heads with my mom and everyone else on the sides. If my in laws had everyone over FIL and DH's grandfather would sit at the sides with MIL and everyone else on the sides.
DH and I got to talking and this is the FIRST year we are hosting in our house. Both sides will be here (both my mom and MIL passed away years ago). DH is saying that both dad's should be at the head of the table and I sort of disagree.
We just bought this house 2 months ago after living 13 hrs away from all our family, my FIL has only been here once and my dad has been here every other week
Option poll: A. DH and I B. Dad (or FIL) and DH C. Both Dad's (if hosting both sides) D. Other
Usually just a random adult. DH and I sit on the long ends, so not the head or foot of the table technically. It's just not a thing that we have ever thought about. We set the table, sit in our usual spots and whoever sits wherever is fine.
If we go to the in-laws then they sit at the head and foot of the table.
Ha! Our food is laid out on my large kitchen island. Parents usually help serve the kids first, and then the kids take all the seats at the table, leaving us adults to scatter around the living room and sit at a bar height counter. It works, but sure isn't elegant!!
I think that if you want to sit at the head of the table, go for it! And if your DH wants his dad to sit opposite, then DH can sit next to you.
No one in my family ever sat at the head of the table like it's a thing for the adult. My rectangular table growing up my twin sister and I sat at one end and my second oldest sister sat at the other. My parents were in the middle. My oldest and middle sister sat across from them.
For holiday gatherings everyone sat everywhere once all the kids were at least teenagers. When I was a kid there was a kid table and an adult table but once we all were teenagers it went away.
Post by lavenderblue on Nov 19, 2024 10:07:47 GMT -5
Other - everyone just grabs a seat wherever. We are definitely not a formal family. In your situation, if this is something that you guys do, then as the hosts, you and YH should get the seats at the head of the table.
Honestly in my family there is no standard. We all just sit where we happen to sit. When he was younger nephew would tell people where he wanted them to sit but no adult has ever put thought into this.
Huh. I guess I never thought about this being a thing. Usually when we host events at our house, I guess it’s more informal. And we have our table extended really long and a bunch of extra chairs. br] Usually, I am at the end of the table closest to the kitchen area, because. 1) that’s where I am used to sitting, 2) DH is often not home for dinner in normal nights, so where he sits has just never really been a factor, and mostly 3)it’s closest to the food and stuff if I need to get up and grab something or get a serving utensil or whatever.
Usually DH is more somewhere near me, so whoever is on the other end has never really been a thing.
Post by plutosmoon on Nov 19, 2024 10:21:43 GMT -5
It's just 4 of us for thanksgiving, my table is oval and I don't have any leaves in it. My DD and I sit on the long sides, our usual seats, and my parents sit on each end. The ends are awkward to use on a day to day basis because of the fridge and stove placement. My seat is the easiest to navigate getting up and down for stuff, dads seat is the hardest and keeps him in place.
When I had more people for thanksgiving, and different table space, I tried to place people where it made sense. Kids next to their adult, babies wherever the highchair fit, me nearby the food, exh where he had enough room to carve, ex mil near the liquor, Exfil where I couldn't hear him. I also let DD assign seats when she was little.
My dad and my husband if at our house. My dad because he's left handed and jabs people plus we put him farthest from the kitchen since he's pretty much useless in that regard. My husband because he wants to be closest to the kitchen because he does 100% of the cooking.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Nov 19, 2024 10:26:10 GMT -5
I have an oval table and we have 4 total people for holidays. I've never eaten a holiday meal with a grandparent in my entire life. This concept means nothing to me, just sit down and eat and move on with life.
We have regular seats at my parents. my dad and brother sit at the ends, always.
At my MIL's house, H is at one end. The other end depends on who all is there. Sometimes it's the kids. Sometimes it's my MIL. Even when he was living my FIL never sat at an end.
At my house H is always at one end. The other end varies. It's often a kid.
We all just sit wherever. I'm trying to think back on events where we've sat around our dining room table, and I think my dad tends to sit at one of the heads, but I also recall times where he sat on the side. It's pretty random. This year we'll have 30+ for Thanksgiving so we definitely won't be around one table. We're very informal.
Growing up my dad was always at the head of the table, and I think his dad at the other head. My dad was definitely way more formal and I think our lack of formality annoys him at times, which makes me enjoy it even more!
Post by mrsslocombe on Nov 19, 2024 10:35:51 GMT -5
There's always dudes sitting at the ends of ours, but not because of the patriarchy. It's because the men in my family are very large and that's the only space they fit comfortably.
Post by IrishBelle on Nov 19, 2024 10:42:21 GMT -5
My parents always host my family and they sit at their usual spots at the table. Mom at one head and dad on one of the sides. My lefty brother usually sits at the other end opposite my mom.
For DH's family, no one has a house/table big enough for everyone so we all just sit wherever.
Also, OP, hell to the no on what your husband is suggesting if it's for honoring your dads reasons. Unless he plans to alternate with letting mom and MIL sit there.
Post by mccallister84 on Nov 19, 2024 10:45:34 GMT -5
Am I the only one who doesn’t consider the head and foot the best seats? I’d rather be near the middle. Of course it’s really highly dependent on who is sitting near me 😂.
Team, the hosts should get the head and foot, but at the end of the day it’s not a thing in my family and everyone just sits wherever there’s a seat.
Am I the only one who doesn’t consider the head and foot the best seats? I’d rather be near the middle. Of course it’s really highly dependent on who is sitting near me 😂.
Team, the hosts should get the head and foot, but at the end of the day it’s not a thing in my family and everyone just sits wherever there’s a seat.
By the time the food is served I'm so hot and over it, I don't even want to eat.
I joked with DH I'll take my food outside to cool off and eat and someone else can have an inside seat.
DH always sits at the head of the table. I sit next to DH because I'd rather be able to chat with him about logistics of the meal (kids when they were younger, go cut up more meat, I'll refill the veggies, etc.), and also, the other "head" of the table is difficult to maneuver around if it's a really big dinner. Typically my dad sits at the other end so he can have a little more room. I hate sitting there.
When we have an immediate family dinner, we typically sit at the kitchen island. That set-up is 3 seats along one side, and one seat along the shorter side. I always sit at the single seat - it's just a much nicer spot and they all bump into each other sitting in the other side. If DH tries to sit there, I will move his plate. My spot.
Other - everyone just grabs a seat wherever. We are definitely not a formal family. In your situation, if this is something that you guys do, then as the hosts, you and YH should get the seats at the head of the table.
This.
There aren't enough seats at our Thanksgiving for everyone to be at one table. There's a card table for the littlest kids (5 and under), the kitchen table, the dining room table, and the kitchen island (if you can make room since that is where all the food is), and everyone just grabs a seat wherever. The hosts (MIL and FIL) are the last to sit and eat even though everyone urges them to do so.
Post by InBetweenDays on Nov 19, 2024 11:07:48 GMT -5
The only holiday we have a true sit down meal is Christmas which we generally do with my parents and sister's family (Thanksgiving we do with friends in Whistler). We're the only house with a "head of the table" because my parents table is round and my sister's is square. No rhyme or reason to who sits at the head. Just depends on who decides to sit where but generally my mom sits at one end because she has mobility issues and is easier for her to get in and out.
Growing up it was always my Dad and then my sister at the other end because she is a lefty. But actually now that I think about it if my grandparents were over my Dad sat at one end and my PopPop sat at the other.
In our home for holidays it's just whoever happens to sit there, we don't pay much attention. In our normal life we sit at the round table in the kitchen (long table is in dining room) and we do pretty much sit in the same seats but honestly only because we're all kinda creatures of habit.
Fuck the patriarchy. The idea the oldest men, who probably contributed the least, should get the best seats is bs.
100% where my head went too 🤷🏻♀️
In my house, my mom likes to make place cards for everyone and my kids assign the seats, so they arrange it around who they want to sit with. There is zero consideration for traditional head and foot of the table.
My father is no longer with us but when he was, he sat at the head and my H sat at the other end. If FIL is there, he sits at the head and DH has the other end. (This is logistical to some extent- my FIL and DH are both well over 6 foot and both played the offensive line in college. They need shoulder room.)
I will say that when that space is empty, it is very, very hard. Normalize mixing up your seating.
Fuck the patriarchy. The idea the oldest men, who probably contributed the least, should get the best seats is bs.
ETA: I must be in a bad mood today, lol. I’ve never actually paid attention to where anyone sits at a formal dinner.
This! H and I got into a fight about this when we first hosted at the house we live in now. Every other day of the year, I sit on the end of the table and H and DS sit on the side (H picked this arrangement). For Thanksgiving, H told me to move as he was going to sit at the head of the table and my uncle was already sitting at the other end. Let’s just say it didn’t happen and I was really angry he pulled this patriarchal crap. There is no “head of our household.” Sit down and fucking eat.