tacokick , this has been my experience as well, I truly don't understand what they expect people to do. When my FIL was in rehab, they told us he's only authorized to stay until he's no longer making progress, and then we'd have 24 hours notice to come pick him up. At that point he couldn't even get out of bed on his own to get the bathroom. H is an only child, we live 3 hours away, and FIL at that point lived in a 3 story house.
It makes me wonder how much elder care is going to have to change. My parents generation, they were retired and their kids were grown by the time their parents were in need of care, so they had a lot more flexibility. But now that people are having kids at an older age, have fewer children, and are more likely to live away from their home town...people just can't take care of their parents 24/7. But all these facilities are still operating like people have 4 kids in town to manage their care.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
I think part of it is that Boomers aren't doing anything to help themselves either. They're not downsizing houses, or prepping to age in place. They're not future planning for what happens when/if they get sick. The world has always bent itself to accommodate them so they think that's going to keep on happening.
My MIL is absolutely not budging from her large house, even though she can already barely manage the stairs. I keep talking to her and H about trying to plan when she's not mobile and all I get is, "I don't want to sell my house!!! sob sob!!" Bruh, I also don't want you living with us, so let's find a plan that we can agree on that doesn't involve you in a house that can't accommodate you.
I will say the best thing my parents did was build a small modular house with the idea of aging in place when my mom was in her early fifties. The logistics are stressful but his house has only one step to get in, a walk in shower, minimal furniture, wide doorways etc It paid off when my super healthy mother got brain cancer in her early sixties and was able to spend most of her time there and not the hospital.
Ours is then too and H volunteered. I think he'll regret spending the day outside with ~80 kids.
It is for this reason I shall not attend. I'm always happy to donate or send things in, but volunteer I shall not. I know my limits.
I show up and watch a little I don't stay for the whole thing. I don't remember how often I went before I worked from home but I know I went to help with DD1 when she was in 3rd grade because she was not allowed to participate or got thrown out K-2 due to behavior/reguation issues.
I went this year because it was the last one, DD2 is in 5th, and the highlight was watching the girls in the class beat the boys at tug of war. Twice. Even after they switched sides because the boys said their side of the grass was more slippery. Ha! That wasn't the only configuration they did (boys vs girls) but it was the most memorable for me.
Post by picksthemusic on May 16, 2024 12:44:53 GMT -5
The next several weeks/weekends are going to be brutal as far as being busy. Light at the end of the tunnel is DH and I's trip to Chicago at the end of June for his work conference where I'll be tagging along. Neither of us have spent time in Chicago before, so we're ready to be tourists! If anyone has any must-sees/must-eats, please let me know!
Post by AdaraMarie on May 16, 2024 12:47:54 GMT -5
dochas I do not envy you being in tech or having it so late in the school year (unless yours keeps going for a while? My kids only have a week left).
I don't even work on the shows but DD1's level of exhaustion and corresponding nasty attitude my our home very unpleasant during their tech week this semester (they did Suessical the Musical).
Post by followyourarrow on May 16, 2024 12:51:28 GMT -5
I need the floor to swallow me up, or to join witness protection. I didn't know that FI has been leaving his phone on his shared desk instead of carrying it with him. His desk is one of the only places he gets a signal, his charger is there, so it all makes sense, but... I sent, shall we say, creative messages, and his coworker who was sitting there at the time could read them as they popped up on the screen. Thank god this isn't his official boat and he'll have new coworkers in a couple of weeks, I hope I never have to meet this man.
Post by 1confused1 on May 16, 2024 12:51:35 GMT -5
I finally heard back from my doctor and got a referral to an asthma specialist. I have to have a pulmonary function test before I can been seen by them and their first available appointment isn’t until the first week of June. I don’t know what is going on with Kaiser lately, but their care has gone downhill dramatically in the last few months.
Post by mrsslocombe on May 16, 2024 12:58:54 GMT -5
To add to the Boomer rage:
They fought so hard against condos/mutli dwelling units going up in their towns, as well as public transit projects or any sort of walkable town centers because of how it would affect traffic. And now that they are too old for their giant 3 story houses, they complain that they don't want to (or can't afford) retirement communities, but there aren't places to downsize to. And they can't get to their appointments.
You know where you could have gone Agnes? That condo building you campaigned against.
Post by NewGirlNic on May 16, 2024 13:02:46 GMT -5
H and I took off tomorrow so we can go to our cottage to clean it up/open for the season. Originally we were going to leave tonight and work from there on Friday then stay till Sat/Sun. This will be much better to just go up tomorrow morning after we drop DS at school. Hopefully we can get everything done and enjoy some relaxing on Saturday. The weather is supposed to be decent.
I need the floor to swallow me up, or to join witness protection. I didn't know that FI has been leaving his phone on his shared desk instead of carrying it with him. His desk is one of the only places he gets a signal, his charger is there, so it all makes sense, but... I sent, shall we say, creative messages, and his coworker who was sitting there at the time could read them as they popped up on the screen. Thank god this isn't his official boat and he'll have new coworkers in a couple of weeks, I hope I never have to meet this man.
Maybe he should turn message previews off if he's going to be leaving his phone lying around in public places.
I need the floor to swallow me up, or to join witness protection. I didn't know that FI has been leaving his phone on his shared desk instead of carrying it with him. His desk is one of the only places he gets a signal, his charger is there, so it all makes sense, but... I sent, shall we say, creative messages, and his coworker who was sitting there at the time could read them as they popped up on the screen. Thank god this isn't his official boat and he'll have new coworkers in a couple of weeks, I hope I never have to meet this man.
Maybe he should turn message previews off if he's going to be leaving his phone lying around in public places.
I need the floor to swallow me up, or to join witness protection. I didn't know that FI has been leaving his phone on his shared desk instead of carrying it with him. His desk is one of the only places he gets a signal, his charger is there, so it all makes sense, but... I sent, shall we say, creative messages, and his coworker who was sitting there at the time could read them as they popped up on the screen. Thank god this isn't his official boat and he'll have new coworkers in a couple of weeks, I hope I never have to meet this man.
Maybe he should turn message previews off if he's going to be leaving his phone lying around in public places.
tacokick , this has been my experience as well, I truly don't understand what they expect people to do. When my FIL was in rehab, they told us he's only authorized to stay until he's no longer making progress, and then we'd have 24 hours notice to come pick him up. At that point he couldn't even get out of bed on his own to get the bathroom. H is an only child, we live 3 hours away, and FIL at that point lived in a 3 story house.
It makes me wonder how much elder care is going to have to change. My parents generation, they were retired and their kids were grown by the time their parents were in need of care, so they had a lot more flexibility. But now that people are having kids at an older age, have fewer children, and are more likely to live away from their home town...people just can't take care of their parents 24/7. But all these facilities are still operating like people have 4 kids in town to manage their care.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
I think part of it is that Boomers aren't doing anything to help themselves either. They're not downsizing houses, or prepping to age in place. They're not future planning for what happens when/if they get sick. The world has always bent itself to accommodate them so they think that's going to keep on happening.
My MIL is absolutely not budging from her large house, even though she can already barely manage the stairs. I keep talking to her and H about trying to plan when she's not mobile and all I get is, "I don't want to sell my house!!! sob sob!!" Bruh, I also don't want you living with us, so let's find a plan that we can agree on that doesn't involve you in a house that can't accommodate you.
The number of times I, a childfree person, have been asked all aghast "But but but wHo wiLL TaKe CaRE of you wHen yOu're OLD?!" Um, ME. Younger me who planned and saved for this. And people who I hire because it is their actual job to care for old people, not someone that I guilt into caring for me just because we share DNA.
It is for this reason I shall not attend. I'm always happy to donate or send things in, but volunteer I shall not. I know my limits.
I show up and watch a little I don't stay for the whole thing. I don't remember how often I went before I worked from home but I know I went to help with DD1 when she was in 3rd grade because she was not allowed to participate or got thrown out K-2 due to behavior/reguation issues.
I went this year because it was the last one, DD2 is in 5th, and the highlight was watching the girls in the class beat the boys at tug of war. Twice. Even after they switched sides because the boys said their side of the grass was more slippery. Ha! That wasn't the only configuration they did (boys vs girls) but it was the most memorable for me.
I know I won't have fun doing it, lol. I will police his behavior and he won't have fun, lol. He'll have a lot more fun without me there. He does get to leave 30 min early though 😂
My ILs thankfully prepared financially for their care, but their problem was they waited too long. Basically, when they were mentally and physically healthy enough to live independently, they didn't think they needed to move. They refused things like a stair lift, home health aids, etc. Then their cognitive health and physically abilities went to shit together, so they weren't able to understand what they were and weren't capable of anymore. They just lived in denial for so long and truly destroyed their relationship with their only child because of the burden they put on him.
Plus they waited so long that my MIL was overwhelmed by the idea of having to empty out their giant home. So now she's dead and my H and I are trying to get rid of their 4 tea seats, 3 sets of China, 5 sets of silverware, etc etc etc while my FIL lives at assisted living.
As my friend who is in his 60s said, "the truth is, you have to move before you are ready, and before you HAVE to. It's the only way."
I really wish my parents would start to think about moving. They're in their early 70s and have a small farm. I know they love the farm and it keeps them active. I'm not looking for them to move into an elder community or anything... but a more manageable property and less stairs. They live in a raised ranch. That thing is all stairs. I'm an only child and I live about an hour from my folks. I definitely can't drop everything to care for the farm if something happens. I have a life and a career. It doesn't keep me up at night yet, but in a few more years it will. I'd be thrilled even with a general plan to downsize in the next 3-5 years.
I'm in the "it's keeping me up at night" phase for my ILs. H is first born, golden son and his parents absolutely expect him to take care of them and have made 0 plans. His dad is 88 and in declining health, MIL is 76 and basically FILs nurse. When FIL goes, there is no plan for MIL's care. H's siblings aren't local and they expect H to do it too. I do not get along with MIL and have told H in no uncertain terms that she will *never* live with us (there is no space anyway), but I'm terrified H will cave (he has a history of not standing up for me in the past). I honestly think there's a chance it may ruin our marriage. They still live in the house H grew up in where their bedroom is up 2 staircases and the house is FULL of stuff they've had for 40+ years. It is going to be a nightmare.
Stupid boomers who expect us to do everything for them.
Post by litskispeciality on May 16, 2024 13:59:19 GMT -5
I haven't had a chance to read everything. tacokick I won't quote you, but I feel you. I hope that means your dad is getting better. I love, love social workers, case workers, really anyone who gets a sick person healthy and home, but goodness yes they act like you're just waiting for the person to be ready. They gave me so much crap about my dad and brother (separate stays) living alone...as if they were supposed to know they'd have major health issues that require more care. Oh and I can just obviously up and move my life to care for them. I'm also jealous a lot of them seem to work 4/10's (but a lot longer hours than that), but then not having Friday's for pick up, family meetings etc. is hard when that's easier for me to move things around.
The only good thing I got out of that awful counselor was that she vented the rehab place her mom was in just called her one day "you have to get mom in a hour"...but she has a full time job and a caseload of apts, so she can't just do that...It gave me a heads up for when my brother went home. His friend was kind enough to help with my brother's pick up, but had to take off 2 afternoons for training, and then pick up. It doesn't work for working people!
Anyway, rant over. I'm praying for you and your dad!
Post by litskispeciality on May 16, 2024 14:02:24 GMT -5
I'm working out of my dad's today as we have a Zoom apt after work and I have to be in the same state. Forgot my mouse, and I'm on one screen, so it's been a long day. I love my dad, but he doesn't get WFH. He keeps watching loud videos, and seems upset I keep having to step away for meetings. I'm really not up for the meeting, but I'm glad I'm not using any PTO.
Has anyone used Sprionlactone or however you spell it? I'm about 2.5 weeks in, stepped up the dose after a week. I feel like my acne is worse? I'm telling myself it's my system getting used to everything, but it's frustrating as I went (back) on this med to help with adult acne. I honestly can't remember if it really got better as I had to stop the last time (due to period issues).
Post by Patsy Baloney on May 16, 2024 14:05:37 GMT -5
Does anyone remember The Cat in the Hat Comes Back? Where the cat takes a bath and leaves a ring in the tub and they do all kinds of crazy things to get the ring cleaned up?
I have the Girl Scout version of that going on right now. I have my troop’s new uniforms I’m putting together because these are their vests that will go through jr. High/high school and I want to do everyone a solid and sew their insignias on.
Two of the uniforms appear to have been dirty straight off the store shelf. One has an orange stain that I got out with cold water and elbow grease. The other was a grease stain. So I put chalk on it. Went to wash the chalk off and the chalk left a stain. Tried alcohol for the chalk stain and it lightened the color of the chalk but made it a more visible stain. Now I’m at the point of washing the uniform with dawn soap, then oxyclean and detergent. Next will be color safe bleach.
But how fucking stupid 🤦🏻♀️🤣 I should have left the grease alone, but I was afraid they would assume I was eating cheeseburgers while sewing.
Post by AdaraMarie on May 16, 2024 14:13:25 GMT -5
litskispeciality I take it and don't remember it getting worse before better, but I have been taking it for at least 5 years so I can't fully trust that memory. I never had to increase the dose and I also had a Mirena at that time.
I need the floor to swallow me up, or to join witness protection. I didn't know that FI has been leaving his phone on his shared desk instead of carrying it with him. His desk is one of the only places he gets a signal, his charger is there, so it all makes sense, but... I sent, shall we say, creative messages, and his coworker who was sitting there at the time could read them as they popped up on the screen. Thank god this isn't his official boat and he'll have new coworkers in a couple of weeks, I hope I never have to meet this man.
Honestly his coworker probably thinks he's a stud! Ha. But yes, I hope you never have to meet this man.
The rehab my dad is in is supposed to be great and maybe they are with the PT but they are awful with updates and focusing on what I’m telling them. They seem constantly surprised that we don’t live with him. They are surprised that we work and need to know things like when will he be released? Will someone need to spend the night as he does not have anywhere to sleep but his own bed? What help exactly will he need? The goal is him living independently; are we meeting that goal??
They initially scheduled his release for the literal one day all month I said we can’t bring him home because of a gap in dog sitting coverage. I had told the social worker that, 3 nurses and both doctors I saw.
It is strange, surely these social workers have encountered adults who don’t live with their parents and who work? Or have pets? Haven’t they ever in their own personal life had to coordinate car or work schedules or take a pet to a sitter?
I think we are probably more flexible than most because we don’t also have to deal with kids. But I have to keep reminding them that we need to check our schedules before they book follow up appointments to make sure one of us can get him to them if he can’t drive himself because we don’t live near him and he doesn’t live near the hospital. That’s a major puzzlement to them. Is everyone else they encounter living close or with to their relative, unemployed, obligation free, healthy and ready to provide home health care 24/7 at a moments notice?
I said it before but it’s like they think we are powered down robots waiting to spring into action.
My sister had a similar frustration when our aunt was sick. She wanted a tshirt that said, “I’m not her daughter, I’m her niece; she loves alone; I work at night; I live in Philly (aunt was in Jersey)”.
I can’t even tell you how many times I had to say “my mom is hard of hearing and not doing well herself, please call me at xxxx”.
It is tiring and frustrating coordinating care. I hear you. It sucks and I’m really sorry.
@patsybaloney You are a saint for taking on this project.
The word you’re looking for is moron! 🤣 I thought I’d just whip through them like I have my leader vest and my Dd’s vests/smocks, but it turns out I care a lot about other kids’ vests more than I do mine and my daughter’s.
I need the floor to swallow me up, or to join witness protection. I didn't know that FI has been leaving his phone on his shared desk instead of carrying it with him. His desk is one of the only places he gets a signal, his charger is there, so it all makes sense, but... I sent, shall we say, creative messages, and his coworker who was sitting there at the time could read them as they popped up on the screen. Thank god this isn't his official boat and he'll have new coworkers in a couple of weeks, I hope I never have to meet this man.
Maybe he should turn message previews off if he's going to be leaving his phone lying around in public places.
I did this when I was complaining to Eagles about my H being a douchecanoe and he saw it. 🥀
@patsybaloney You are a saint for taking on this project.
The word you’re looking for is moron! 🤣 I thought I’d just whip through them like I have my leader vest and my Dd’s vests/smocks, but it turns out I care a lot about other kids’ vests more than I do mine and my daughter’s.
Ha ha! This made me laugh out loud. I have only had to worry about sewing my own kid's (BSA) patches for a couple months now and I am in awe of someone who offered to do a bunch. She just got awarded two patches on Monday and one goes on each of her uniform pockets, so there will be sewing stress in my house this weekend. But one is her first rank patch that she has earned since she crossed over so that is exciting! I am not really a sewer so I do everything by hand - I hope you have a machine to help you at least.
litskispeciality thank you! He is suddenly doing much better. It was really touch and go there for a while. The goal is to get him home and arrange some in-home help/therapy and see how it goes.
I think what I find the weirdest about all this is that you’d think it would be easier for them to know their patients had good home plans and basic things like a ride home than deal with any fall out. It seems so backward and inefficient. It truly can’t be a surprise for them that a patient is being released in an hour.
dochas I do not envy you being in tech or having it so late in the school year (unless yours keeps going for a while? My kids only have a week left).
I don't even work on the shows but DD1's level of exhaustion and corresponding nasty attitude my our home very unpleasant during their tech week this semester (they did Suessical the Musical).
They go until mid June. But there is also a 5K on Saturday and the school does a training program for the little kids to run a mile to open the race. So most of them have also been volunteering at that around the play practices and have to be at the race at 7am Saturday. They are all EXHAUSTED. We have given him wide berth at home. LOL Oh, and the music teacher running it all is very pregnant. A few of us bring dinner and serve it during hell, I mean tech week. On Monday we were like "I don't think this show is going on." It was HARSH. After dinner things started looking up for everyone. LOL
The school show went great today and my son can't wait for us to see it!!
My sister had a similar frustration when our aunt was sick. She wanted a tshirt that said, “I’m not her daughter, I’m her niece; she loves alone; I work at night; I live in Philly (aunt was in Jersey)”.
I can’t even tell you how many times I had to say “my mom is hard of hearing and not doing well herself, please call me at xxxx”.
It is tiring and frustrating coordinating care. I hear you. It sucks and I’m really sorry.
I think we could get a side hustle going making customized, attractive and bossy t-shirts like this for patients and caretakers. My dad’s could say “I can’t hear you! Call my daughter” and have my phone number and my husband’s can say “I am the SIL, not the deadbeat son” lol
I’m sorry so many of us are in the same boat. No one warns you of this when you are younger!