She said hello when we arrived and goodbye when we left and ignored us for the two hours in between.
I'm really regretting that we went. I feel like I've now set up the mentality that a non-professional relationship is ok, when I shouldn't have done that. It was a drunken decision that I now regret.
I know he had texted her yesterday to get the address. Again, the texts have been deleted. I don't know what to make of that. It feels like he is hiding it.
Deleting texts sounds super shady. I would explain to your DH what you said here, that you don't have a good feeling about this woman and you would appreciate it if he cut ties with her. Not sure what a good excuse would be for deleting her texts.
She said hello when we arrived and goodbye when we left and ignored us for the two hours in between.
I'm really regretting that we went. I feel like I've now set up the mentality that a non-professional relationship is ok, when I shouldn't have done that. It was a drunken decision that I now regret.
I know he had texted her yesterday to get the address. Again, the texts have been deleted. I don't know what to make of that. It feels like he is hiding it.
I don't think you should regret it at all. It gave you an opportunity to see if she was cool with hanging with both of you and obviously she is not, so that speaks volumes about her intentions. I would ask him about the deleted texts.
I don't know whether to ask him about it. I'd obviously be outing myself for snooping.
I'll likely get flamed to high heaven for saying this, but... Don't out yourself yet. Wait till you actually fine something... and if you never do? good!
He will get lazy and slip up if something is going on. Just keep looking for a while until you feel better about it.
I think it's great that you went, and I think it's telling that she ignored you guys. (telling for HER and HER intentions... not your husband's)
You can't be certain there are deleted texts though right? I would get it all on the table so you an stop obsessing. Tell your husband that if she won't make an effort with you then you are not comfort with them spending time together.
Shady as fuck, girl. Â I think at this point even if he isn't cheating, and never would cheat, he knows that the relationship is inappropriate and is trying to be squirrely about it.
Shady as fuck, girl. I think at this point even if he isn't cheating, and never would cheat, he knows that the relationship is inappropriate and is trying to be squirrely about it.
Exactly. He texted her for her address and DELETED it? Why? Out yourself. If you don't, you aren't going to be on solid ground w/ your marriage. If he gets pissed at you for snooping - tell him you'll deal w/ that issue. But it does NOT negate the other issue at hand. You question this friendship and you need to know why he deletes HER texts and no one elses.
And also - did he have anything to say about her ignoring the 2 of you at the BBQ? I'm curious as to his reaction. Does HE find it odd?
Woah why did she ignore the two of you ? So you guys basically hung out for two hours at a BBQ where you didn't know anyone? I doubt this would have happened if he came alone. Yes this girl is super shady.
Post by vanillacourage on Mar 11, 2013 8:53:37 GMT -5
Does he know that you've been going through his phone?
What do you think his reaction would be if you said to him, "look, I know you're a good husband but I'm getting a bad vibe from her. Out of respect for me I am asking you to stop running with her or otherwise socializing"? This is assuming you've never made similar requests and are not otherwise a jealous person.
Does he know that you've been going through his phone?
What do you think his reaction would be if you said to him, "look, I know you're a good husband but I'm getting a bad vibe from her. Out of respect for me I am asking you to stop running with her or otherwise socializing"? This is assuming you've never made similar requests and are not otherwise a jealous person.
I'm sorry you're going through this.Â
No, he doesn't know. Though... He may suspect. Why else would he delete texts? I've never made similar requests. I've never felt this insecure before...
I agree with the majority that running and drinks is one thing, but inviting your H to a BBQ and concert, when you aren't invited, is inappropriate. Her behavior at the BBQ is really odd, and makes me think that her intentions are not just to be friends with your husband, as she avoided him when you were around. Deleting texts with her, especially when he doesn't delete other texts, is really shady. Log in to your cell phone account and look at his texts. It will list the date, time and number for every text. I would look up how often he's texting her and at what times.
And Sparkle, FTR, you are being way more levelheaded about this than I would be. Because the minute I found out he'd deleted texts I would be all "WHO IS THIS HEIFER AND WHY ARE YOU DELETING TEXTS AND HIDING SHIT AND DON'T YOU FUCKING LIE TO ME EITHER OR I SWEAR I WILL GO ANGELA BASSET IN WAITING TO EXHALE ALL OVER YOUR SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER, ALL OVER IT."
I agree with the majority that running and drinks is one thing, but inviting your H to a BBQ and concert, when you aren't invited, is inappropriate. Her behavior at the BBQ is really odd, and makes me think that her intentions are not just to be friends with your husband, as she avoided him when you were around. Deleting texts with her, especially when he doesn't delete other texts, is really shady. Log in to your cell phone account and look at his texts. It will list the date, time and number for every text. I would look up how often he's texting her and at what times.
My cell phone is through work so we don't share a plan. Otherwise, I'd be all over this.
I agree with the majority that running and drinks is one thing, but inviting your H to a BBQ and concert, when you aren't invited, is inappropriate. Her behavior at the BBQ is really odd, and makes me think that her intentions are not just to be friends with your husband, as she avoided him when you were around. Deleting texts with her, especially when he doesn't delete other texts, is really shady. Log in to your cell phone account and look at his texts. It will list the date, time and number for every text. I would look up how often he's texting her and at what times.
My cell phone is through work so we don't share a plan. Otherwise, I'd be all over this.
I would probably confront him and insist on seeing his phone bill. I would also ask him to completely cut off his relationship (both running and friendship) with this woman. If it weren't for deleting texts, I wouldn't feel that cutting off contact is necessary, but when he's starting to hide things from his wife it makes the relationship inappropriate, even if nothing physical has happened (and even if he doesn't intend for it to ever happen).
I don't know that I would be sneaky about spying on him, but would be up front and ask him what is going on. If he denies, then address the red flags that you see. Straight up bring up that its weird that his running friend ignored both of you all night at a BBQ she invited him to. Huge hugs to you. This is the last thing you should have to deal with right now.
Post by discogranny on Mar 11, 2013 9:13:45 GMT -5
Rather than further snooping around, maybe it is time to be direct. If the relationship with this woman is causing you this much trouble, then it's time to just tell him that you are sorry for being this way, but you would really like him to find another running coach. I mean with all of this out there already, how are you going to feel on Tuesday or whatever when he goes running with her for hours at a time?
The concert and bbq are odd I will admit. I think you have to go with your gut. If they go out for dinner or something after training i don't find too much with that but you should plan on meeting up with them.
Have you asked to meet them at the bar after a run? If he seems hesitant or she's not down for it that might tell you what you need to know. If so, maybe interacting with her or seeing how they interact will help calm your nerves about it.
They run in the afternoons. He is home by the time I get home from work.
I've met her. We don't click but she has told H that she doesn't get along with most girls.
Gross. I am never a fan of girls who (self-proclaim) that they "don't get along with most girls."
I would probably also confront at this point. And ask him to sever the relationship. I would be uncomfortable every time they ran together, everytime they grabbed a drink after running, etc. I'm sure he can find a comparable or better coach out there that doesn't put your marriage at risk.
Exactly this. If you aren't normally a possessive person (i.e. you've never made this type of request before) then he should respect you enough to break it off with this woman, even if you're totally wrong and there's nothing underhanded going on. She's just a running buddy, and a new one at that - hardly worth causing strain between you two.
Post by cheeseandcrackers on Mar 11, 2013 10:03:24 GMT -5
I guess I am jealous and insecure because I would not be okay with any of this. Want to go running with a chick to get fit? Okay whatever. Go out to bars (with other people or just them alone?).. but being invited out to BBQ's and concerts??? Um no. I'm sorry, but if she was that interested in being his friend and that's all, she would be trying to make friends with his wife.. anychick knows that the only way to make a friendship work with a married man (and to get to hang out one on one) is to be friends with the wife. That is of course.. if she has good intentions!
I agree that you should be upfront with your husband about how this situation makes you feel. I don't blame you one bit for being uncomfortable with it,and he needs to explain why he's deleting texts.
You have suffered a tremendous loss,and need time to grieve. I agree that your husband might need an outlet,but it should be one that's supportive of your marriage and not causing you undue stress. Is he open to joining you in your counseling sessions? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of what you're already going through.
I agree that way too much has been assumed here. Seriously. Just ask him what the deal is, if you get a weird vibe from her tell him. It's weird how much is being made of this.
I was just about to say this. If you think something is up, just say it. Why make more of it than necessary? Just talk to your husband. No accusing or self deprecating.Demanding cell records and snooping and all that sounds ridiculous to me. Just talk about how you feel. I think its being made into a bigger deal than it really is.
I agree that way too much has been assumed here. Seriously. Just ask him what the deal is, if you get a weird vibe from her tell him. It's weird how much is being made of this.
I was just about to say this. If you think something is up, just say it. Why make more of it than necessary? Just talk to your husband. No accusing or self deprecating.Demanding cell records and snooping and all that sounds ridiculous to me. Just talk about how you feel. I think its being made into a bigger deal than it really is.
I think - and hope - that you're right. I'll bring it up tonight.
I was just about to say this. If you think something is up, just say it. Why make more of it than necessary? Just talk to your husband. No accusing or self deprecating.Demanding cell records and snooping and all that sounds ridiculous to me. Just talk about how you feel. I think its being made into a bigger deal than it really is.
Everybody is telling her to talk to her husband. I don't know why people are acting like folks are all "GO JAMES BOND ON THAT DUDE."
But people can STILL SAY he or she is being shady or the situation is odd while saying to talk to him.
Well - I actually did tell her to 007 the shit up. but that is because I have trust issues and I wasn't in a relationship with someone who would hear my concern and adjust. My gut says that voicing concern just leads the person to cover their tracks better. I'd personally like to wait and find something (or nothing) before I confront.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. If I were in your situation I would be concerned. I couldn't be sure he isn't cheating. Either way, he's being totally shady. I would not confront him because he'd probably give you BS - if he's already deleting everything, he's trying to hide ssomething, so you can't trust what he tells you. I'd keep checking his phone(s?) and see if he slips up. You could find out much more about the nature of their relationship this way rather than giving him the opportunity to tell you some crap.
I agree that he is bring shady, but I do believe he isn't cheating. I also don't think he'd lie. If I ask, I think he'll tell me.
When it comes down to it, I really don't think he is interested in her as anything more than I friend. Again, maybe I am naive, but I believe that.