Honestly, he doesn't discuss it. He prefers to not talk about it. I think the reason that this coach is an outlet is because she is one of the very few people who doesn't know. I think running - and drinks - is an escape from reality. He doesn't want a rock - he wants to pretend it didn't happen.
I have spoken with the counselor quite a bit in regards to how men and women grieve differently. It is normal for him to stay quiet. He and I have discussed this and he knows that when/if he needs me, I can be strong for him.
I don't think pretending it never happened is really healthy. He's running from the truth, no pun intended, and while I get the need for that, he can't do it forever. It's going to catch up with him at some point.
Be prepared for him to have a breakdown at some point, it will come. DH did what you are describing after our loss, once we left the hospital he took on everything, helping me, DS, funeral arrangements, etc. Eventually his grief turned to intense anger that he held in, ignoring his feeling and being afraid to go there when needed was not healthy. Eventually he went to counseling with me and as I said it helped immensely. Grieving differently is normal, not grieving and choosing a constant state of numbness is not. DH and I set up a 10 minute time every day to discuss our loss/feelings, it was a way to keep it confined and not make everyday about being sad (of course random breakdowns were outside of this). It worked for us and eventually we started talking about other things during that time.
I am only a lurker, and verrrrry occasional poster, and I have absolutely no advice for you. I just want to say whatever the reason, and whatever the outcome, I am so so sorry you are having to deal with both your loss, and now this. I hope everything works out in your favor.
Livvy's certainty that your husband is cheating is annoying me. Deleting messages off a phone does not automatically mean he cheated. It is possibly that he deleted them after he realized that Sparkle was concerned about this coach because sometimes even an innocent message can be more when a spouse if feeling insecure. I would try hard not to speculate on the 'whys' and find out from him his reasoning behind it.
Also, I am so sorry for your loss. That is something no parent should ever have to go through.
It was Thursday afternoon when she invited him to the Saturday concert. He originally accepted and that is when they exchanged phone numbers (the running stuff is communicated through the group). It was Thursday evening when I found out and broke down.
H told her that night that he wasn't going. I was with him, or in the same house anyway, all night -- which is why I assume it was through text. I know he texted her yesterday to get the address of the BBQ. Other than those, I don't think he spent much time in contact with her. I was with him all weekend.
At this point, I'm not sure whether I will bring up the missing texts.
So, other than the text getting her address, he might not have any texts between them? I would not bring them up since there might not be any. He could have deleted the one text because why would he need it anymore, know what I mean?
Ok, so here is my take. I have no idea if anything is going on between them. I hope not.
I think you could bring it up to him and let him know that you are uncomfortable with their friendship, not because you think anything has happened, but because you know that you got a weird vibe from her last night (since she barely said 2 words to you) and you know too many people who have started friendships with someone of the opposite sex during a time of trauma/unhappiness and one thing has led to another and their friendships have developed into something more. You know it can be a slippery slope and you are feeling too vulnerable right now because of your loss to be comfortable. You don't have to accuse him of anything (unless you do feel there is something to accuse him of), but just make it clear that you are worried about what the future may hold if he forms a relationship with her right now.
Provided you aren't normally a jealous person, he should be receptive.
Honestly - this is exactly how affairs start. It is a rough point in the marriage and an otherwise well intended spouse starts confiding in another person for emotional support. That person "gets it" or provides an outlet in a way that the person's spouse can't. Over time, the relationship with the new person gets deeper and the spouse starts seeing this new person in a different way. They start being the first person to confide in and the person's spouse ends up feeling more distant. And then things cross a line.
Everyone thinks their husband won't cheat. At this point in my (jaded) life, I believe that ANYONE would cheat given the right set of circumstances. I think more often than not, people don't set out to cheat, it is just something that happens gradually as a friendship crosses a line they didn't realize was there. It is important for a spouse to realize when they are setting themselves up for a potential slippery slope and get off that path before it is too late.
Post by Wrath0fKuus on Mar 11, 2013 15:38:33 GMT -5
Maybe he didn't even delete it. Maybe she's just not in his caller ID list, so the one or two texts from her are under the phone number with no name attached.
I am giving the side-eye to the 25 year old woman who "doesn't get along with other girls" and is such a buffoon that she doesn't know that married couples are a social unit and should be invited to things together.
Post by fivechickens on Mar 11, 2013 15:54:43 GMT -5
Oh and, I want to echo what Gypsy said, this girl is shady. She is asking a married man to hang out with her, not including the wife and is claiming to not have many female friends.
Hm, wonder why? Bet they are all "jealous" of her.
It's one thing to have more male friends than female, be more comfortable hanging with guys, for perfectly reasonable reasons, but to broadcast that? Seems just so super convenient so that way she don't have to be bothered with her coaching protege's wife getting in the way of their not-in-any-way-shape-or-form-running-related GTGs.
And in course, in her mind, it's the wives with the problems - they're all "crazy, jealous, insecure." Sure they are.
Livvy's certainty that your husband is cheating is annoying me. Deleting messages off a phone does not automatically mean he cheated. It is possibly that he deleted them after he realized that Sparkle was concerned about this coach because sometimes even an innocent message can be more when a spouse if feeling insecure. I would try hard not to speculate on the 'whys' and find out from him his reasoning behind it.
Also, I am so sorry for your loss. That is something no parent should ever have to go through.
Im not certain at all. I hope he's not. But at this point it's at least possible, and if it IS happening, he's probably going to lie if she brings it up. So for her sake, I think she should go about this knowing that it's a possibility. She said herself in her OP that he deleted messages and she wondered if he is hiding his work phone.
I just don't want her trying to convince herself otherwise (after her OP, she is backtracking a little, saying she doesn't think he would cheat or lie) and end up getting hurt even worse ultimately.
Hopefully there is a perfect, innocent explanation for everything!
I don't think I am backtracking. The situation HAS changed since I first posted... we went to the BBQ, and additional texts are missing. I really don't think he'd cheat or lie, but at the same time, I recognize that things aren't adding up. I hope I am making it a bigger deal than it really is.
Admittedly, I've only made it to page 3, and I came in late. I am not sure who you lost, but you have lost, and are grieving and for that I am truly sorry, and hope you find some peace.
I hate "my husband has a female friend" issues here. It brings out the worst in us. Because there's all this inherent "how dare he have a friend with a vagina. People confide in their friends! And I'm the only vagina I want him ever confiding in!" in the posts, no matter what. I have male friends, I was in my best guy friend's wedding and he's in mine. And damn if I make sure I practically kiss his wife's ass so that I don't lose my friend simply because I am.not.male.
That being said, your husband picked you, out of ALL THE OTHER WOMEN IN THE WORLD, to cling to. To take your side, to have your back. So if this person is making you uncomfortable, that should be the end of the discussion. If she's making you so uncomfortable that you're checking your phone bills for text messages and scouting for his work phone, that's pretty damn uncomfortable. He needs to know that you feel THIS strongly about her presence in your husbands life that it is affecting your ability to trust him, and take action to separate himself from her to the point that you feel comfortable again. Even if it means finding a new running coach because really, at this point, she could probably invite you both everywhere and you really are not going to trust her intentions.
I am not sure if I read much in to the "I just don't get along with women" comment. It took me until college to find a group of girlfriends. But also, sometimes I see how I kind of struggle to find common ground with people this board and think to myself, "Maybe I really DON'T get along with women well." But someone can not get along with women in general and still not end up sleeping with your husband.
You know your husband best. If you are that uncomfortable with this situation that you are losing your ability to trust him, then that is the conversation worth having. I wish you all sorts of luck, happiness and peace.
I brought up her distance at the BBQ, which he believes was just because she was talking to other people. Maybe. Ok. I told him that I'm feeling uncomfortable with her- based on the requests to hang out, the fact that she ignored us when I showed up to a party he was invited to, just a gut feeling based on my few interactions with her. He didn't say this, but I got the feeling that he thinks I'm overreacting. Regardless, he won't hang out with her outside of running.
I didn't bring up the missing texts. Not sure if I should have.