Post by sparkle3810 on Mar 10, 2013 14:37:53 GMT -5
H and I have been married for three years, together nine. No kids. We had a third trimester loss a few months ago and have been going through the grieving process.
H is a runner and competes for money (not his job, but a hobby). For the past few months, he has trained with another guy and their female coach. H is 33, coach is 25. After training, the three of them have often gone out for drinks. No big deal.
Post by sparkle3810 on Mar 10, 2013 14:44:22 GMT -5
Other guy recently got hurt and is no longer training. H is still having drinks with the coach. I'm a little weirded out, but know he is stressed and sad and getting out with someone who doesn't know our loss history is good for him. H knows how I feel.
Recently, coach has been inviting him to hang out outside of training. He ran it by me and I said absolutely not. Not ok. He hasn't. They'd made tentative plans to go to some event yesterday, which he cancelled when he realized I was bothered. I've checked his phone and he doesn't have her number saved. He also didn't have a text or calls in there-- so, I think he may have deleted them. He doesn't know I looked.
I've been cleaning all day and have noticed that his work cell is missing. I'm wondering if he has been contacting her there. Maybe hiding it?
Again, I truly believe that he doesn't have bad intentions... But I do know it bugs him that I'm reacting this way and don't want them going out together.
Meh, I do think it's weird. What kind of stuff has she been inviting him to do and have you been invited as well? I feel like situations like this start off innocently enough but can lead to more easily. I would talk to him again.
She has invited him to go a concert yesterday (which he had accepted and then cancelled) and a BBQ today. I wasn't invited to either, but I've only met her once or twice.
Part of me thinks that even if we had a troubled marriage, he wouldn't cheat. I really believe this. And regardless, we have a good marriage so that isn't a worry.
But then I wonder... If he cancelled the plans and there is no trace of the conversation (he said it wasn't in person), then why is he hiding it?
Post by Jalapeñomel on Mar 10, 2013 14:58:40 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss.
I don't think it's weird. Go out with them.
I hang out with guys all the time, so DH doesn't even bat an eye at the situation. But I've always been this way, so maybe that has something to do with it.
I think you need to sit down with him & calmly lay out what you've said here. He very well could be contacting her on his work phone, but maybe with no ulterior motives. And what exactly do you mean that his work phone is missing? Missing from who? Just because you didn't find it while snooping doesn't mean he hid it.
Have you asked to meet them at the bar after a run? If he seems hesitant or she's not down for it that might tell you what you need to know. If so, maybe interacting with her or seeing how they interact will help calm your nerves about it.
They run in the afternoons. He is home by the time I get home from work.
I've met her. We don't click but she has told H that she doesn't get along with most girls.
Yeah, it's weird for a single girl to invite a married man to a concert and a bbq, in my opinion. Nobody thinks their husband is the type to cheat. I'm not saying he's done anything but I think you guys need to talk. I'm trying to imagine my H being invited to these events by a single woman that I had never met and I'd be concerned. He's obviously communicating with her somehow...
I know they communicate - they run 4-5 times a week.
I don't have an issue with him having female friends. I do feel uncomfortable with a 25 year old single girl asking him to hang out. It's just odd to me. He doesn't see it that way.
I hang out with guys all the time, so DH doesn't even bat an eye at the situation. But I've always been this way, so maybe that has something to do with it.
Guys you've known or guys you just meet and start hanging out with alone? Does your H know them. I have guy friends too but this situation sounds a bit different than that.
I work with a male teacher at school, and the first time we hung out, we went out for drinks without DH. DH didn't care or think twice about it. Now DH is really good friends with him too. But like I said, I've always been this way. If DH wanted to hang out with a woman, I would find it weird, because he doesn't really have female friends nor does he try to make friends with females. EDIT: He has female friends, just none that he has made outside of his friends or my friends.
Everyone is going to respond differently to this based on their own marriage. My husband and I have always been very trusting of each other, we both have friends of the opposite sex with whom we socialize (sometimes alone), and if either of us acted the way you are the other would (justifiably, IMO) be angry. But my father was very controlling with my mom, my DH's BFF is a woman and his ex-FI would not let them hang out alone and we both really value freedom and trust. I have also been the "other" woman in this situation, several times, and in every case the guy and I have still hung out behind the wife's back (and there was never anything sexual). So yes, I think you are really overreacting, and if he is texting her behind your back that does not mean he is cheating on you. But only you know your marriage, and sometimes, if you think something is going on there is. I agree with Bricco that therapy might be helpful for you now.
Post by sparkle3810 on Mar 10, 2013 15:08:13 GMT -5
He asked me about the concert on Thursday. I broke down and cried and told him how I felt. He didn't get it until i asked him how he'd feel if I were to hang out with some other guy. He apologized and I believe he meant it. That would have been end of story until I realized the conversation was missing.
Everyone is going to respond differently to this based on their own marriage. My husband and I have always been very trusting of each other, we both have friends of the opposite sex with whom we socialize (sometimes alone), and if either of us acted the way you are the other would (justifiably, IMO) be angry. But my father was very controlling with my mom, my DH's BFF is a woman and his ex-FI would not let them hang out alone and we both really value freedom and trust. I have also been the "other" woman in this situation, several times, and in every case the guy and I have still hung out behind the wife's back (and there was never anything sexual). So yes, I think you are really overreacting, and if he is texting her behind your back that does not mean he is cheating on you, but only you know your marriage, and sometimes, if you think something is going on there is. I agree with Bricco that therapy might be helpful for you now.
I agree with this. You know your DH better then all of us, and if this seems out of place for him, then maybe you should be concerned.
He asked me about the concert on Thursday. I broke down and cried and told him how I felt. He didn't get it until i asked him how he'd feel if I were to hang out with some other guy. He apologized and I believe he meant it. That would have been end of story until I realized the conversation was missing.
Actually, no, it wouldn't have, and was not, because you went snooping to see if there were texts or calls between them. And you still don't know if he called her because you haven't tracked down his other phone.
Have you asked to meet them at the bar after a run? If he seems hesitant or she's not down for it that might tell you what you need to know. If so, maybe interacting with her or seeing how they interact will help calm your nerves about it.
They run in the afternoons. He is home by the time I get home from work.
I've met her. We don't click but she has told H that she doesn't get along with most girls.
She doesn't get along with most girls? Um, that would be a red flag along with the fact she's trying to get a married man to spend soooo much time with her. I would be concerned.
Post by RoxMonster on Mar 10, 2013 15:14:28 GMT -5
I would not be comfortable with my H going to or getting invited to concerts and BBQs with another woman and meeting her alone for drinks on the regular. I don't even care if that makes me seem uptight or paranoid. Those are things couples do together or that a bunch of friends do together. Not something I think my married husband should be off doing with another woman while I sit at home, uninvited.
I agree with inviting yourself or asking to tag along one of these times, see how they react. If they're both, "Hey! Awesome, come along" and it's just a friendly atmosphere while there, then OK. But if they seem weird about, I feel like there is or COULD be eventually something else going on.
I do think it's good that once he realized it bothered you, he cancelled. And I am in NO WAY saying there is anything inappropriate going on. He may just be clueless that it bugs you until now. I'm just saying it would also bug me, so I don't think you are strange for being weirded out.
He asked me about the concert on Thursday. I broke down and cried and told him how I felt. He didn't get it until i asked him how he'd feel if I were to hang out with some other guy. He apologized and I believe he meant it. That would have been end of story until I realized the conversation was missing.
Actually, no, it wouldn't have, and was not, because you went snooping to see if there were texts or calls between them. And you still don't know if he called her because you haven't tracked down his other phone.
True. I assumed he had texted and wanted to read the tone of the conversation. When i didn't find anything, I checked the call history and the contacts. Nothing.
I don't even have the number to his work phone, so it'd be weird if he'd used that. I do think he probably deleted a conversation- just a gut feeling. I don't know whether there is something to hide or what. I've never had any reason to believe he'd cheat. But I do know that my grief has taken a huge toll on him. I'm seeing a counselor and he is not.
The part that I think is strange is that your DH made plans with his friend for essentially the entire weekend and didn't think to invite you along. It's kind of second nature at our house (unless it's a guy's night or something) that if someone says, "Want to go to a barbeque?" we say, "Yeah, let me check with Spouse and see if we have any other plans. If not, we'd love to join you" assuming the invitation extended to both of us.
The part that I think is strange is that your DH made plans with his friend for essentially the entire weekend and didn't think to invite you along. It's kind of second nature at our house (unless it's a guy's night or something) that if someone says, "Want to go to a barbeque?" we say, "Yeah, let me check with Spouse and see if we have any other plans. If not, we'd love to join you" assuming the invitation extended to both of us.
This part doesn't bother me as much. He asked me about Saturday, when the concert was, which is how the topic came up. He never accepted the BBQ invite- shed just asked.
We both have opposite sex friends, including those who are single. We happen to have known them since before DH and I met.
She may not realize how it comes off, but I wouldn't want to exclude someone's spouse twice in one weekend. Especially, as a new friend. So, maybe it's just time to have a little chat about how you feel.
Post by midnightmare81 on Mar 10, 2013 15:25:47 GMT -5
Yea. The occasional drink after a run is one thing. Asking him to go to a concert, and then a BBQ, neither of which your invited to, hell no. It doesn't sound like your husband is too interested since he has no issue canceling if you don't want him to go, but to me she is being too forward and "friendly". Esp to be inviting him to things like that, on a weekend, without you. H and I have friends whose SO we don't like. We still invite them anyway, since couples are a package deal IMO. Anything else would tell me she wanted him alone.
Yea. The occasional drink after a run is one thing. Asking him to go to a concert, and then a BBQ, neither of which your invited to, hell no. It doesn't sound like your husband is too interested since he has no issue canceling if you don't want him to go, but to me she is being too forward and "friendly". Esp to be inviting him to things like that, on a weekend, without you. H and I have friends whose SO we don't like. We still invite them anyway, since couples are a package deal IMO. Anything else would tell me she wanted him alone.
All of this.
Having friends of the opposite sex isn't, in and of itself, off. But her invitations to him, and not you, aren't cool.
Have you asked to meet them at the bar after a run? If he seems hesitant or she's not down for it that might tell you what you need to know. If so, maybe interacting with her or seeing how they interact will help calm your nerves about it.
They run in the afternoons. He is home by the time I get home from work.
I've met her. We don't click but she has told H that she doesn't get along with most girls.
Post by adamantium on Mar 10, 2013 15:44:06 GMT -5
I would not be okay with this situation. As to the messages I don't like clutter so I delete mine, is that a possibility? I would try not to read too much into a possible missing message.
My main issue is that you imply this person is almost an escape from the loss. I had a stillbirth 2 years ago in April so I get the appeal, freedom from grief for a few hours. People grieve differently and need to feel all of the dark and ugly emotions. It is good that he is still doing something he enjoys but it is not okay to use this other person for emotional support. Do not talk yourself out of your feelings b/c you think your grief is in the way. The other person is injured and the situation is now different, if you are not ok with that then he should stop seeing her outside of running.
Oh and he needs to see a counselor if he is unable to talk to you, in a situation like this the anger eventually becomes too great. You also need to be able to talk to the one person that was there and truly understands all of your feelings. After the first few weeks DH stopped talking about it and by the end of the year was just tense and angry. He was afraid to talk about it b/c he thought he'd never get out of that dark place, so he agreed to counseling and it helped him immensely. I'll stop now b/c I could write a book but if you want to talk feel free.
Yea. The occasional drink after a run is one thing. Asking him to go to a concert, and then a BBQ, neither of which your invited to, hell no. It doesn't sound like your husband is too interested since he has no issue canceling if you don't want him to go, but to me she is being too forward and "friendly". Esp to be inviting him to things like that, on a weekend, without you. H and I have friends whose SO we don't like. We still invite them anyway, since couples are a package deal IMO. Anything else would tell me she wanted him alone.
This is basically where I'm at. Her throwing out "I don't tend to get along w/ other women" as an excuse to not include you - wrong.
Here's my perspective on friendships w/ the opposite sex- yes, they can happen. But what is so important is that they have to be a "friend to the marriage", so to speak. You and her don't have to be "friends" per se, but she wants to go to a concert w/ your DH? She wants to invite him to a BBQ? She better damn well invite you too. She doesn't get to be friends w/ your DH in a vacuum where she can ignore the fact that he's married.
Getting drinks after training is one thing. Any social event outside of that - she absolutely should be including you too.
She's an adult and should be capable of basic common courtesies/ politeness when around you. If her "I don't get along w/ women" actually extends to the degree she can't even be around you/ polite to you, then she gets a HUGE side-eye from me.
I"m glad that your DH kind of "got it" when you broke down.
As for the phone - does he normally keep his texts? I am always clearing out my texts. I hate having a long list of texts. So that in and of itself doesn't really concern me- unless you know they are texting and that's the ONLY conversation you can't find record of.
I think she has a crush on him, and he enjoys the baggage-free attention.
I do think her line about not getting along with other women is designed to distance your husband from you, in that she's hinting that you along for the ride would make her uncomfortable; and that I'd have a real problem with.
Basically I think she's kind of a bitch and your husband is just enjoying the attention and the break. He seems to be willing to cancel for you, so I don't really think he has any unclean motives here aside from being flattered. And kind of clueless.
I agree with this too. I do think your DH is a tad clueless about this, but not adverse to learning why it's wrong. Good luck.
Everyone is going to respond differently to this based on their own marriage. My husband and I have always been very trusting of each other, we both have friends of the opposite sex with whom we socialize (sometimes alone), and if either of us acted the way you are the other would (justifiably, IMO) be angry. But my father was very controlling with my mom, my DH's BFF is a woman and his ex-FI would not let them hang out alone and we both really value freedom and trust. I have also been the "other" woman in this situation, several times, and in every case the guy and I have still hung out behind the wife's back (and there was never anything sexual). So yes, I think you are really overreacting, and if he is texting her behind your back that does not mean he is cheating on you. But only you know your marriage, and sometimes, if you think something is going on there is. I agree with Bricco that therapy might be helpful for you now.
Even if there wasn't anything sexual, the fact his wife wasn't comfortable with it and you both continued to do it behind her back, knowingly, makes both of you shady as fuck. That is not something to be proud of. Especially "several times". Gross.
I don't think we need to post hijack, but no, I am not sacrificing business development opportunities because men I work with or for have jealous wives. In an industry that is 80% male if I refused to hang out alone with men I would be at a severe disadvantage against my male colleagues. And bullshit the woman always knows. Sometimes the woman is just insecure.