I need another round of "Am I being an asshole here?"

[mrlittlejeans]

Hmmm...I don't know. On the one hand, I'm psyched to go to adult only weddings because I like having time away from my kids. But, also I'm not sure I would want to leave my 9 month old with two adults and 30 other kids. You know? I don't think you're an ahole though.

[sailorgray]

Apr 4, 2013 20:43:37 GMT -5 mrlittlejeans said:

Hmmm...I don't know. On the one hand, I'm psyched to go to adult only weddings because I like having time away from my kids. But, also I'm not sure I would want to leave my 9 month old with two adults and 30 other kids. You know? I don't think you're an ahole though.

This is exactly what I was thinking. It's a tough spot. I do think what you are doing is awesome, but only two adults for 30 kids is kinda scary to me, especially since the parents won't know the adults.

ETA: I MIGHT be okay sending my 3 year old, but not my 1 yr old. I would def not be okay with a 9 month there. I think that the mom or dad need to take turns with the baby in their room.

Okay, I thought about this again. I think you need more adults to watch them. My ds preschool class has 13 kids and they must always have 2 adults in there. These adults are very experienced and have been doing this for years. I just not think two s enough.

[Marle]

Wow if only I had had the option of a kid party for BIL's wedding!
Listen my SIL stayed at her hotel for the wedding because her 8 month old doesn't eat or sleep without her.

You are an angel and I am astounded that you are just venting.

[Deleted]

Is this a destination wedding? I had a kid-free wedding, but was not as nice as you and did not provide sitters, and everyone managed to find childcare they trusted. I just can't picture having a whole lot of fun hauling my baby with me out past their bedtime, either.

[margotmacomber]

I don't know dude.  A 9 month old with 30 other kids and only 2 providers?  CHAOS NO.

Sorry.  But maybe you could suggest an alternate option for them?

[RoxMonster]

Not a parent but I wouldn't want to leave my kids at a separate party. I personally think parents should be given the choice to leave kids at home or take them with to the same reception they are attending. (There is also nothing wrong with not inviting kids AT ALL--parents can decide if they want to find or sitter or decline the invitation). But I feel weird about saying, "Your kids can come to parts A, B, and C, but they're going to have to leave and go somewhere else for part D."

I think I'd like it better if you set up a separate area for the kids to hang out as an OPTION but also let the parents decide if they want to bring the kids with to the reception. Many parents can still have fun at a party with their children present, and if they wanted to go just the adults, then they could choose to leave the kids at home or let them go to the other party.

[thebamker]

9 month olds can't even walk and go to sleep by eight. It will be ok.

[Deleted]

How miserable is your nephew going to be as the one and only kid at a wedding reception full of adults. Poor kid.

[Kit]

Delicate situation, being that it is family and all. I'm basically useless here and have no advice, but I think it is awesome that you are doing the separate thing for the kids, I'm sure they will have a blast.

[smock]

Are you really expecting two grad students to watch 30 kids including newborns?

[Deleted]

I think a 9-month old baby is different than a kid. The baby isn't going to run everywhere and will probably just sleep in her stroller. I would not leave a 9-month old baby at a kid's party.

[idoinjuly]

Hell no would I leave my infant with two strangers and thirty other kids. But I would just not come to your wedding instead of making an issue about it.

[sparkythelawyer]

As a bit of an update, not all the people are bringing their kids. So, all thirty kids won't be there :-).  At press time, we have seven kids coming to the kiddy party.  And I would GLADLY hire more help with the kids if we need it.

I guess I just think it is pretty cheeky and presumptuous to rsvp saying you are bringing someone you know is not invited. Le sigh.

@roxmonster, if the concern is that it is not fair that the kids could come to some things but not all, I would have changed my invites to say no kids at anything. And I would have understood, and been ok, with the fact that this meant not all people with kids would come.

[mabelsimmons]

I don't think you are an asshole at all. We had a "Adults Only Reception". Like you between my family and friends there would be like 50 children. Just ONE aunt has 8 kids...

Anyhow, we had a few people all asshurt because their little Jimmy/Jenny was not invited. Because of course I am supposed to think their child is as awesome as they do. They even wanted me to make an exception for just their child! Seriously?

One friend made comments at the dinner table about her kid not being invited (they even left early) and another didn't come at all because of it. It was OUR day when it boils down to it. Our venue didn't have a space for kids and we chose not to pay all the extra money for everyone to bring their kids. That was A METRIC ASS TON of $$$ when you think of the extra food, extra tables (linens, centerpieces, etc), chairs, etc etc.

They should be thankful you have made other fun arrangements for their kiddos. Some people will me miffed about this because they think their kids should be the exception and they are just aweTHome!

Do what you need to do because it is your day but there really is no easy way to tell those insisting that you aren't kidding you REALLY don't want them there.

[mrlittlejeans]

Ok, 7 kids sounds much more reasonable. Is it a nighttime reception? Would they be able to bring a pack and play to the kids party and put the baby down? I wonder if you could talk to them about solutions...

[Jalapeñomel]

I would let your cousin know now that the child is not invited to the reception so there are no surprises at your wedding.

[sparkythelawyer]

Apr 4, 2013 20:59:02 GMT -5 mrlittlejeans said:

Ok, 7 kids sounds much more reasonable. Is it a nighttime reception? Would they be able to bring a pack and play to the kids party and put the baby down? I wonder if you could talk to them about solutions...

We were already planning on bringing a pack and play.  

I really did try to think of everything :-(

[sparkythelawyer]

Apr 4, 2013 21:00:43 GMT -5 @theycalledherkate said:

Okay I see it's just 7 kids. That's much more doable. Is the kids party close enough to the reception that mom could check on her baby?

A conference room in the same building?

[VeryViolet]

I wouldn't want to leave my theoretical 9 mos old with people I didn't know either. So I hope I would have enough sense to hire a babysitter for the night of the wedding. Maybe it is because I don't have kids but I don't get the people who want to bring their kids to an event that isn't kid friendly and where they aren't invited. Also, maybe my friends and family are giant lushes but I haven't been to many wedding receptions I would consider kid friendly.

[Deleted]

While i would have called and talked to you before rsvping instead of assuming, i would not be comfortable leaving my nine month old with people i don't know. If you didn't want to make an exception - which i would not think you're an asshole for doing - we'd just split for the night so whoever is related to you goes to the reception.

All to say i see her point but i think she went about it really rudely. I don't know what you can do from here :-\

[Deleted]

Also some kids and parents are great at receptions and more adult things, so i never think it's wrong to ask (assuming is rude), as long as i know the person would be honest with me. Also depends on level of family.

[Deleted]

I don't think she should leave her baby there, nor do I think she should bring a baby to your wedding. Get a list of good babysitters and call your cousin with them. She pays. This isn't on you. Babies cry. They are worst of all.

[sailorgray]

Seven kids? I would totally leave my 3 year old there. The pack n play is a great idea. One idea that you may have already done is make sure you have some sort of way for the sitters to be positive that the adult picking the kid up is there actual parent. Maye get a wristband that both parent and kid wear. Maybe ask for ID. I don't know. That's one of my fears. I was crazy when we first started using the nursery at our church bc we were new and the nursery ladies didn't know us. I worried they'd just let him go with anyone who said they were his parent.

[margotmacomber]

I want to add that you seem to be doing a spectacular job of making the children a part of your plan.  Call them and discuss options.  I bet you guys can come up with something.  You might be making more of this than there needs to be.  It wouldn't hurt to try.  Discuss babysitting, child to caregiver ratio, etc. 

[snipsnsnails]

No, you're not. And I would leave my 9 month old there depending on timing or get my own sitter at home more likely to accommodate bedtime.

[Deleted]

Ooh yes you're truly a rock star. It's not the ideal situation for all babies but 2 and over, this is like ideal. I really can't believe you're going to all this trouble. Amazing.

[sparkythelawyer]

Apr 4, 2013 21:10:09 GMT -5 sailorgray said:

Seven kids? I would totally leave my 3 year old there. The pack n play is a great idea. One idea that you may have already done is make sure you have some sort of way for the sitters to be positive that the adult picking the kid up is there actual parent. Maye get a wristband that both parent and kid wear. Maybe ask for ID. I don't know. That's one of my fears. I was crazy when we first started using the nursery at our church bc we were new and the nursery ladies didn't know us. I worried they'd just let him go with anyone who said they were his parent.

Hey there!

We hadn't thought of ID cards, but I did send a little note card asking the parents to let me know which kids were coming, their ages, any food allergies or health problems the sitters should know, and a cell phone number to reach them at.  ID bracelets could be a good idea though :-)

[papie]

I probably wouldn't come to your wedding. I like the idea of a kid party but babies should be allowed. I wouldn't leave my 9 month old with anyone, let alone someone I fon't know.

[puppyluv]

My probably flameful take on this: I wouldn't personnally worry about hurting someones feelings about this because I was paying for the event and they can comply with the rules or not show up. It is an invite, not a subpoena. I would tell them, "Sorry but little Gretchen was not invited to the adult reception. Will she be at the childrens reception or staying with someone else for the night?" I would not give them an option of bringing her along.

[mamasaurus]

I love this kids' party idea. You are not an asshole.

That said, I wouldn't leave my baby with a stranger, or anybody with that adult to child ratio. The separation anxiety can be quite strong at that age, so I would either try to bring her or do shifts with my H, or find some other workaround.

They should have talked to you about it instead of announcing it in a random email like douchebags.