Post by catinthehat on Dec 11, 2013 11:25:01 GMT -5
Backstory: My 21 year old niece (whom I have been very close to since she was born) decided to shutdown facebook&instagram a couple months ago. Before she did that, I saw several pics of her with an older man at the bar, club, etc. I called to asked her who that was and I never got a response. She cut off communication with me via phone, text and social media and we haven't seen each other. I called and asked my sister if niece was ok...
Sister was super defensive and would not answer any of my questions. Just deferred me to talk to niece and if she wanted me to know anything niece would be the one to tell me. Sis said they were in a good place, that she knew about the older guy. okkkay...so I said I was concerned but not going to pry if they don''t want to share.
Fast forward to today, my phone starts ringing. I'm getting calls from family members & friends asking what is going on with niece. She activated her facebook again and is proudly displaying all her pics with her 48 yr old boyfriend!!
I tell family I have no idea because I haven't talked to her in several months. My sister has been MIA with her new husband so everyone is judging the hell out of the situation.
Our family has been through some major life changes recently so I can understand she's not on the right path. I realize I can't control anyone but how am I supposed to deal with this? How should I try to help her? She is making some huge mistakes and this is the biggest one yet.
Also when I see her at Christmas do I just smile and act like nothing is happening? I want to tell her what I think about her dating a creeper and Im inclined to not give her a gift just a "Merry Chirstmas, we Love you" card. She won't return my calls so Im in a tough spot.
I would say to her, "Listen cousin, I'm not going to judge who you are with or who makes you happy. However, I am very concerned about your change in behavior, and I want happiness for you. I want someone who treats you well. I am here to support you no matter what. I love you".
And then give her a hug. Sure, she's probably making a mistake, but YOU are not going to change her mind.
Post by sunshineluv on Dec 11, 2013 11:31:23 GMT -5
It is hard to watch people we love make bad choices, but sometimes there is nothing we can do but sit back and watch. I agree with pp that you should reach out to her, but don't try to control the situation, that won't work.
She's 21. She's going to make her own mistakes. Unless there is something you aren't mentioning that makes her particularly vulnerable, this is maybe side eye worthy, not scandal.
Post by thelurkylulu on Dec 11, 2013 11:32:07 GMT -5
Okay, so is it just the age difference that's concerning? Has anyone met him? Unless he's a raging asshole, maybe y'all should give him a chance. The more your family judges him, the more she's going to distance herself from you guys and it'll probably last longer.
Post by Booze Raccoon on Dec 11, 2013 11:33:36 GMT -5
She's an adult.
What is wrong with dating an older man? I get it that it's a big age difference but it's not like she's a teenager. She is old enough to handle any of your perceived consequences.
Post by catinthehat on Dec 11, 2013 11:34:10 GMT -5
SO what do I say to family and friends asking me about what's on facebook? They always ask about her normally so now its getting difficult. I don't want to just shrug my shoulders and act like I approve. I'm livid, worried, disappointed..etc. Aghhh freaking kids!!!
She's 21, an adult and nothing anyone says will make her stop or change.
If you REALLY care about her, act like you support her. Keep it all to yourself and just support her. IF any of this blows up in her face, she'll come to you for help or advice. Do not risk her not doing this just so you can feel better now.
SO what do I say to family and friends asking me about what's on facebook? They always ask about her normally so now its getting difficult. I don't want to just shrug my shoulders and act like I approve. I'm livid, worried, disappointed..etc. Aghhh freaking kids!!!
Some variant of "it's her life" should do the trick.
SO what do I say to family and friends asking me about what's on facebook? They always ask about her normally so now its getting difficult. I don't want to just shrug my shoulders and act like I approve. I'm livid, worried, disappointed..etc. Aghhh freaking kids!!!
uh, how about "looks like katie has a new boyfriend. i haven't met him yet." here's a hint: the approval or lack thereof of her aunt isn't going to make a damn bit of difference to her. or, frankly, to the rest of your friends and family.
SO what do I say to family and friends asking me about what's on facebook? They always ask about her normally so now its getting difficult. I don't want to just shrug my shoulders and act like I approve. I'm livid, worried, disappointed..etc. Aghhh freaking kids!!!
Do what her mother did and tell them to ask her. She is an ADULT she can speak and explain herself. FFS, being supportive doesn't mean you agree or like what she is doing.
SO what do I say to family and friends asking me about what's on facebook? They always ask about her normally so now its getting difficult. I don't want to just shrug my shoulders and act like I approve. I'm livid, worried, disappointed..etc. Aghhh freaking kids!!!
Well, you tell them the truth, which is that you don't know because she isn't sharing with you. What's hard here?
And while I'd be concerned if it were my niece or daughter too, she's not a kid, she's an adult. This is not your responsibility.
I understand being concerned but 27 years is the exact age difference between my parents. It turned out okay so from my perspective you need to MYOB unless there is other cause for concern. Can you please explain why you think she is going down the wrong path?
SO what do I say to family and friends asking me about what's on facebook? They always ask about her normally so now its getting difficult. I don't want to just shrug my shoulders and act like I approve. I'm livid, worried, disappointed..etc. Aghhh freaking kids!!!
1- Do you think she actually cares about your approval? lol lol lol
2- What, exactly, are you "livid" about?
I mean, it's really no wonder the girl deleted her social networks. FWIW, she should just have just blocked your judgmental asses.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Dec 11, 2013 11:38:30 GMT -5
The more ostracized the niece becomes from her family, the more she will cling to this guy. The age difference alone is not worth a huge family blow up.
Even Courtney Stodden figured things out eventually.
I'm not sure why you're getting so worked up or so involved. She's an adult; she's gonna do what she's gonna do. It sure sounds like you're feeding into the drama.
Post by catinthehat on Dec 11, 2013 11:41:33 GMT -5
Her parents had a bad divorce within last 2-3 yrs. My sister was seeing someone else and ex-bil was a controlling jerk that has mental issues.
Niece has been in college but I *think* dropped out this fall so she can run with this guy. He is the father of one of her college friends. So that's how this started. He makes a lot of money and I know she has been looking for someone to "take care" of her.
Her parents had a bad divorce within last 2-3 yrs. My sister was seeing someone else and ex-bil was a controlling jerk that has mental issues.
Niece has been in college but I *think* dropped out this fall so she can run with this guy. He is the father of one of her college friends. So that's how this started. He makes a lot of money and I know she has been looking for someone to "take care" of her.
Good for her, she's working on her Mrs Degree. Again, MYOB. She's an adult.
When I was 21, I dated a 37 year old man that I met in my master's program. He was a really, really nice guy. My family was not thrilled, but realized it was my life. Eventually (like 9 months in) the age difference got to be too much for me. I am a very well educated, very happy, gainfully employed adult woman who has been happily married to a man who is 10 months older than I am for over a decade.
Unless he's seriously mistreating her, she's abusing drugs or alcohol (more than any other 21 year old,) or she's suddenly dropped out of school/work/life, let.it.go.
Her parents had a bad divorce within last 2-3 yrs. My sister was seeing someone else and ex-bil was a controlling jerk that has mental issues.
Niece has been in college but I *think* dropped out this fall so she can run with this guy. He is the father of one of her college friends. So that's how this started. He makes a lot of money and I know she has been looking for someone to "take care" of her.
Its very nice that you are concerned about your family, but you are treading on the line here and pretty close to being THAT aunt. Stop being so judgey and projecting whatever you feel for the rest of your family on her. Chances are they won't be together forever and your neice will learn some valuable things in this relationship.
Her parents had a bad divorce within last 2-3 yrs. My sister was seeing someone else and ex-bil was a controlling jerk that has mental issues.
Niece has been in college but I *think* dropped out this fall so she can run with this guy. He is the father of one of her college friends. So that's how this started. He makes a lot of money and I know she has been looking for someone to "take care" of her.
Good for her, she's working on her Mrs Degree. Again, MYOB. She's an adult.
Shit, she sounds pretty smart to me but I've been a gold digger since I was 7 so take that FWIW.
Her parents had a bad divorce within last 2-3 yrs. My sister was seeing someone else and ex-bil was a controlling jerk that has mental issues.
Niece has been in college but I *think* dropped out this fall so she can run with this guy. He is the father of one of her college friends. So that's how this started. He makes a lot of money and I know she has been looking for someone to "take care" of her.
Also when I see her at Christmas do I just smile and act like nothing is happening? I want to tell her what I think about her dating a creeper and Im inclined to not give her a gift just a "Merry Chirstmas, we Love you" card. She won't return my calls so Im in a tough spot.
How about you ask her about him and how things are going? Are you just assuming he is a creeper because he is older or has he done something to make you think that? They're both adults and while their age gap isn't typical, it's not illegal or anything. You said you *think* she's dropped out of college. Why don't you ask her about school?
If you normally get her a gift, then get her a gift. If you don't think she deserves one this year for whatever reason, then don't get her one.
You can care about her and be concerned about her without judging her. I would probably be pushing you away, too.