Post by jojoandleo on Dec 11, 2013 11:48:16 GMT -5
I am confused about what the issue is here? She is dating an older man who has a job and makes good money. Sounds good to me. I wish her all the happiness in the world. And if it doesn't work out, I wish her a family that won't be asshats and throw it in her face that they think she is making a mistake.
Is he a registered sex offender? Drug dealer? No? Then shut the fuck up and get over your ageist BS. It's her life, her decision and as long as she is happy and healthy, you have no reason to be concerned, let alone livid.
I would say to her, "Listen cousin, I'm not going to judge who you are with or who makes you happy. However, I am very concerned about your change in behavior, and I want happiness for you. I want someone who treats you well. I am here to support you no matter what. I love you".
And then give her a hug. Sure, she's probably making a mistake, but YOU are not going to change her mind.
Exactly this! Judge her, or tell her she is wrong, etc., and she will cut you off in a heartbeat. And then if she ever does need help because of him, you will be last person she will call. Believe me, I was that stupid 21 year old once...and that's exactly what I did. Get in her face, and you can consider your relationship with her done.
Re: Other people. Tell them the truth. "I don't know. Please call her. Thank you."
Niece has been in college but I *think* dropped out this fall so she can run with this guy. He is the father of one of her college friends. So that's how this started. He makes a lot of money and I know she has been looking for someone to "take care" of her.
Tell everyone this! Everyone who asks! Tell people who don't ask! Show strangers the photos and show them exactly how disgusted you are! It's a great idea to spread around your assumptions and your contempt. You clearly have your niece's best interest in mind.
Post by mrsjuleshs on Dec 11, 2013 11:50:52 GMT -5
Glad you aren't my aunt. Regardless of what she has been through with her parents divorcing, she is an adult. Stop judging or she will probably permanently kick you out of her life. No wonder your sister reacted the way she did seeing as the whole family is reacting this way.
Post by DotAndBuzz on Dec 11, 2013 11:55:23 GMT -5
I'm sure you're concerned, and I'd be fahreaking out if my niece or daughter dated someone that much older, even if he was a nice guy. But. You have to step back and let this play out. Right now you're starting to come off as a busy body like "omg, niece is doing this, gotta talk to her mother, talk to her, zomg what am I going to TELL EVERYONE ELSE when they ask?"
You tell them nothing, because 1) it isn't your business, it's hers, and 2) you don't really know him, right? You've never met, so even though the circumstances are somewhat unusual (age and the fact that he's her friend's dad), there are no glaring red flags here signaling you to rush in and save the day. So you have nothing to share except your own judgement and "concern," which will get back to her eventually, and push her farther away.
Something else to consider. Say he was a not so great guy. Would you go around gossiping about how terrible he was, and sharing your judgement with everyone that asks? You doing that does exactly nothing to change the situation and makes you look even more like a busy body/gossip who feeds on family drama. And again, that too would get back to her, and would not be helpful to the situation.
I think you need a hobby. Not sure why her sating an older man leaves you out of breath and stressing. It sounds like no one knows anything so you're assuming this guy is an asshole, when really he could be very supportive of her. You know, unlike her nosey family. As such, if he is a dick, it won't matter because the meddling will push her closer to him.
Post by catinthehat on Dec 11, 2013 11:56:13 GMT -5
The responses are pretty on target with what I thought I'd get.
I don't get the angry comments in reference to my behavior but it's a message board.
I always make comments on her facebook/instagram pics so that is not uncommon for our relationship. She seeks/used to seek my advice and we are/were close. SInce her parents divorce she's been on the wrong track and I know she is going to make mistakes. I just get mad that she won't return my calls. I can't be there for her if she only comes around when she wants something. I can be an "friend" but I don't want her asking me for advice if she's not going to listen.
Post by DotAndBuzz on Dec 11, 2013 12:00:01 GMT -5
How much older are you than her?
I get being frustrated about not returning your calls, but dude. She's 21. She doesn't necessarily *want* to go to her aunt for advice any more, as she's becoming an adult, gaining confidence, and finding her own path.
I think you need a hobby. Not sure why her sating an older man leaves you out of breath and stressing. It sounds like no one knows anything so you're assuming this guy is an asshole, when really he could be very supportive of her. You know, unlike her nosey family. As such, if he is a dick, it won't matter because the meddling will push her closer to him.
Post by catinthehat on Dec 11, 2013 12:04:51 GMT -5
I don't enjoy the phone calls from concerned family members. If she's going to act like this, I'd rather she keep it off facebook and if she would answer HER phone (sis too, she's avoiding everyone) they wouldn't be calling everyone else in our family. That's her choice. I don't spread this news to others. I want her to own it.
The avoiding calls, only coming around when she wants something, etc. sounds like lots of perfectly normal 21 year olds to me. Nothing here sounds really off to me. I thought I knew everything at 21 and I certainly didn't want someone telling me what to do. Listen, the best thing you can do is support her. You don't have to love the situation but I would not make a big deal of it.
The responses are pretty on target with what I thought I'd get.
I don't get the angry comments in reference to my behavior but it's a message board.
I always make comments on her facebook/instagram pics so that is not uncommon for our relationship. She seeks/used to seek my advice and we are/were close. SInce her parents divorce she's been on the wrong track and I know she is going to make mistakes. I just get mad that she won't return my calls. I can't be there for her if she only comes around when she wants something. I can be an "friend" but I don't want her asking me for advice if she's not going to listen.
Just because she's not living her life the way you want her to doesn't mean she's on the wrong track. She's 21. That's the perfect time to learn who you are, make mistakes, and fall in love/get your heart broken. Just be there for her if she requests it, otherwise MYOB.
I don't enjoy the phone calls from concerned family members. If she's going to act like this, I'd rather she keep it off facebook and if she would answer HER phone (sis too, she's avoiding everyone) they wouldn't be calling everyone else in our family. That's her choice. I don't spread this news to others. I want her to own it.
Seriously, you are like a fucking drama tornado, picking up drama houses and drama cars and just spinning and spinning.
CALM DOWN.
If you don't like people calling you to ask about your niece, don't pick up your phone.
Also, it is HILARIOUS that you want to control what content she puts on Facebook.
I don't enjoy the phone calls from concerned family members. If she's going to act like this, I'd rather she keep it off facebook and if she would answer HER phone (sis too, she's avoiding everyone) they wouldn't be calling everyone else in our family. That's her choice. I don't spread this news to others. I want her to own it.
OH MY GOD. How dare she post about her relationship on her own Facebook page. What a rude, little twit!
I'm starting to think the 21 year old gold digger may be the sanest member of your family. Sorry.
Post by DotAndBuzz on Dec 11, 2013 12:08:58 GMT -5
I amend my original advice. Your whole family needs to back off. They all sound exhausting and way too involved in others' business.
And correct me if I'm wrong, but she DID keep it off facebook when she shut down her account entirely. Her dating an older man doesn't mean she should be obligated to "keep it off facebook." Plenty of other people post pics of them w/ their SO. Why can't she? Because he's 48?
There isn't anything you can do, really. You need to tell the rest of the family exactly hat your sister told you, if you want information, ask her yourself.
I don't think you are expected to give her an xmas gift if she has written you out of her life though...
Your concern for her is understandable, but "livid?" You come across as really judgemental, which I'm sure she and other family members could easily pick up on. The thing is, there's nothing you could really do for her except be there for her when she really needs you. Don't be punitive. If you really love her you let her know you love her no matter what.
I don't enjoy the phone calls from concerned family members. If she's going to act like this, I'd rather she keep it off facebook and if she would answer HER phone (sis too, she's avoiding everyone) they wouldn't be calling everyone else in our family. That's her choice. I don't spread this news to others. I want her to own it.
Maybe they aren't answering because its no one else's business? Just a thought. If you all were my family, I'd tell you all to fuck off and stop answering my calls, too. I'd expect my family to maybe not like or agree with my decision, but to be supportive instead of jumping at the chance to get the nitty gritty on my love life. Unless she is being abused, doing drugs, or genuinely NEEDS your help or input, back off.
I think you need a hobby. Not sure why her sating an older man leaves you out of breath and stressing. It sounds like no one knows anything so you're assuming this guy is an asshole, when really he could be very supportive of her. You know, unlike her nosey family. As such, if he is a dick, it won't matter because the meddling will push her closer to him.
Ooh, I see. To "own it" she has to preemptively call all of your family and friends in common and give them the deets about her new relationship so that they don't call you. And also immediately execute all of your advice or risk being branded as ungrateful. Gotcha. This would be waaaaay easier for you if she was a marionette.
I have a friend who makes really bad decisions. She's been through a lot of horrible stuff that she has trouble working through and i just let her talk. I dont agree with the things she does but i love her so i listen and give support. I only give advice when asked and if someone asks me about her I tell them they should talk to her. Everyone else in her life is judgmental, tries to parent her or butt in in some way. She told me I'm the only person she feels comfortable talking to now so she doesn't confide in anyone else. I certainly don't threaten to withold a Christmas gift because of her decisions (which never have anything to do with me or my life anyway!)
So do that. Dating an older guy isn't like she's shooting heroin or robbing banks.