Can you get a babysitter for the a few hours today so that you two can go talk. privately? I think this is can be worked out. I think both need to reconnect emotionally..get on the same page. I agree that things are said in the heat of an argument from both sides. I am sure that happened here. Take a deep breath...either way this is going to be ok.. hugs and prayers for you
I don't think this was mentioned yet but I'd try to establish some ground rules for each other before you proceed with discussing your marriage. Only discuss when kids are not around, no alcohol, no name calling, etc.
Tbh, it sounds like things flew out of your mouths out of frustration and anger, not because you've been waiting for the perfect moment to kick him out (or vice versa). Words can hurt deeply and aren't easily forgotten. It would be my goal to discuss the marriage in a safe and calm environment to give you both the opportunity to air your grievances and discuss how you can try to work through those. It may take a weekly discussion for a year to really move past this and get back to a good place. You both have to determine what you want from this marriage and how much fight you have within yourselves.
I wish you the best SP. It may be one of the most difficult points in your life or marriage but you will get through this. Hugs to you mama. You have a full life and I hope things can get sorted in a way that is best for all of you.
This sounds like great advice. My DH and I have a lot issues, mainly due to sexual differences (he's got the sex drive of an 18 year old, he wants sex multiple times a day) and it's a huge thing to overcome. Add in the pressures of work and kids and it can be overwhelming. Good luck in the future. I really feel like you guys need some one on one time to talk calmly, maybe with a therapist, maybe just you guys.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this Sloan. I hope today and going forward you both are able to be more calm and less hurtful. You must have had the wind knocked out of you to hear him say he's been unhappy for so long, all because you didn't want to go out to a strip club. How petty and mean of him.
Post by vanillacourage on Aug 24, 2014 7:38:29 GMT -5
I'm so sorry Sloan. I think the best thing you can do is to work with your DH to smooth this out (counseling, time away together, etc) while at the same time protect yourself if the worst comes to pass. Consult with an attorney and make copies of relevant docs.
Stick to to your guns about your Ds1. He does NOT get to just split up your kids without a formal, attorney-authorized custody agreement in place.
If it were me on the other end, yes, I would find it helpful. By saying "I am a mother first" is saying to DH that I am putting his needs second. So of course he's going to get even further pissed off.Â
Based on the facts provided in the post, both said shitty stuff. It sucks for both of them.
Putting a grown man's needs second to three children is how it usually works in a marriage with kids. Adults deal with it and understand.
Stfu, please.
Kids, you'll just have to wait to eat today, daddy wants to fuck
Post by alicenelson on Aug 24, 2014 8:21:31 GMT -5
So sorry, Sloan. I just now read your thread and I hurt for you. I am really hoping today will be brighter and the two of you can talk with level heads and open hearts. ((Hugs))
I'm sorry you all had such a big blowout, but maybe it's what you needed to get to a place where you both realize you need outside help and are willing to get it to help your family. I wish you all the best going forward.
Oh man. I'm so sorry this happened. Last night sounds like it was absolutely terrible, but I'm glad you're both feeling better today. I hope you both get what you want and need out of counseling. It sounds like you're both on the same page, which is a great sign. (((((hugs)))))
ETA: And I'm sorry a couple people here were assholes to you last night. Jesus Christ.
Post by Captain Serious on Aug 24, 2014 10:34:49 GMT -5
I'm glad you are feeling better this morning.
If it's not too late, can you skip the 5k? You need sleep to clear your head, so when you are together with your husband later, you don't let lack off also affect his you interact.
I wish you the best going forward, and hope that you can each find happiness together again.
Post by vanillacourage on Aug 24, 2014 11:04:12 GMT -5
Ok, now that you've had a promising update, at the risk of adding myself to the WTF list, please please make a commitment to yourself that you'll never again throw out "well, I could just lie to the cops and tell them you hit me" in the heat of the moment. For a lot of reasons, among them that if things ever did go south and you were in a custody fight, it would not look great to a judge.
Counseling is a great idea - I hope things get better soon, it sounds like you have been under an incredible amount of stress.
I encourage you both to follow through with your promise to go to counseling. Sometimes things settle down and nothing gets accomplished until the next blow-up. KWIM?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I always wonder with things like the 70 hour workweek, and Squirelly's anxiety, how much is a problem that needs a therapist and how much is just a shitty situation.
WHY are you working a 70 hour week? I am getting the impression you don't think your husband is pulling his weight financially. If so, that is something for counseling. But maybe start there. No marriage is going to be OK through that. I know, I've worked 70 hour weeks and they are grueling. Nothing is good when you are at work 12 hours/day six days/week.
I always wonder with things like the 70 hour workweek, and Squirelly's anxiety, how much is a problem that needs a therapist and how much is just a shitty situation.
WHY are you working a 70 hour week? I am getting the impression you don't think your husband is pulling his weight financially. If so, that is something for counseling. But maybe start there. No marriage is going to be OK through that. I know, I've worked 70 hour weeks and they are grueling. Nothing is good when you are at work 12 hours/day six days/week.
I agree with this. We turned our whole lives upside down to escape the 70-80 hour weeks. They are awful, and we had to be very intentional with our interactions with each other during those times to avoid fights. Not only do they make work hard, but they make the rest of your life including your marriage hard because you have to put so much more work into just staying stable. Some of the lowest points in our marriage came off the heels of extended 70-80 hour weeks.