Kevin said to me exactly one time when I was complaining that "this is what you wanted." I told him to never say that to me again. Regardless of if you have your dream job, you are going to have good days, bad days, and things to complain about. And if you can't vent to your partner without judgement, who can you? It wasn't fair of him to say that to you, cara. He probably thinks it's easy because it is...for him...because you do everything!
Kevin said to me exactly one time when I was complaining that "this is what you wanted." I told him to never say that to me again. Regardless of if you have your dream job, you are going to have good days, bad days, and things to complain about. And if you can't vent to your partner without judgement, who can you? It wasn't fair of him to say that to you, cara. He probably thinks it's easy because it is...for him...because you do everything!
C25K...it works Seaside 5K...........40:45(2012) Turkey Trot..........41:30(2012)/37:08(2013)/37:40(2014) St Pat's 5K..........39:27(2013)/38:48(2014)/35:12(2015) Belair Town Run......38:09(2013)/36:27(2014) Back To Football 5K..37:36(2013)/43:44(2015) Balt Run Fest 5K.....34:59(2013)/41:50(2014)/35:54(2015)
My H sometimes tells me that I'm a good mom and am doing a good job, but this is after years of coaching him into it and also reciprocating and trying to build him up. I do also regularly leave him with some or all the kids and make him do his fair share of the work when he is home, so he knows not to give me any lip. When I leave him for any amount of time and come home it usually looks like a bomb went off, his own totally kid inappropriate shows will be blaring, someone is typically crying, and I'm sure they did not get the usual level of interaction I give. He's way more addicted to technology than me as well.
He will say things like others mentioned, telling Lillian they are lucky to have me and to thank me for something (dinner or whatever). He always tells me how much he can tell Lillian loves me and that makes me feel good.
I will say the first year he told me and reassured me A LOT, like daily I am sure. I had horrible PPD and felt very badly about how I was feeling. Lillian was a tough infant and if I didn't have my H during that time I don't know what I would have done.
I don't come out and say he is a great dad but I do thank him for things and make sure to say it in front of Lillian.
I am sorry carawestt (hugs) It is def something to bring up to him, it means a lot.
I really think an overnight trip would be a great idea. Do you have any way to engineer that happening? I know you'd have to pump and that would suck but it would be invaluable for him to understand what it's really like to take care of two needy children for 24 hours alone.
Both of us are also very good at being grateful to each other. Like this morning I woke up at 5:30 with Leo. H came down and thanked me for getting up with him. I would have done the same. It is so helpful to hear gratitude for the sucky stuff even though you have to do it because you are parents.
I mean it was a jerky thing to say, no doubt about it. But being fair, he really has NO idea you know? Before I had kids I might have thought "eh it would be nice to stay home all day playing with my children..." And my husband also thought that. Taking care of kids isn't such a hard job like people make it out to be etc. until he did it.
So even though he shouldn't have said that, I think until he's experienced it he won't be able to fully appreciate how difficult it actually is.
My H us really good about this but I'm realizing I don't really do the same, at least not often enough. He gets it though as he is home done days with them during the week.
I'd be really hurt by what he said, Cara. If there is any way to leave him home with the boys, for several hours, I would do it. You're a wonderful mom and you not only deserve a break but also recognition for what a great job you're doing raising his sons.
yes he does. Not every day but here and there he will randomly tell me I am a great mom, etc.
though thinking about it now.. I don't think I tell him he's a great dad.
he's always been the nicer person of the two of us though lol
This is the case for us too. Â When DH and X get home after work/daycare DH will always say something like "Oh it smells good in here, mommy must have made something good for supper". Â And he always asks me how my day went. Â Not every day, but often enough he will tell me that I'm doing a good job with A and thanks me for BFing and tells me I'm doing great at sleep training and that he wouldn't have the patience for it. Â I on the other hand am way better at telling him what he does wrong and pointing out his flaws. Â I don't think I've ever asked him how his day was. Â Hmmm, I should really work on that.
Yesterday when X walked in the door he said "Wooooow it smells good in here, you make supper Mommy?" Â I said "Yes, I made chicken". Â He said "Oh wow Mommy I like chicken!" Â It was so cute and, with everything going on with DH and I it made me so happy to see that X is modeling his good behavior. Â X always thanks me for cooking supper and baking him muffins and cleaning up, and it's because he hears DH do it. Â
I'm sorry he said that to you Cara, totally uncalled for. I agree with others that you need to take some time and let him watch the boys on his own, without a car and see how he fares. Maybe start a weekly weekend tradition where he takes the boys to the park or something for an hour on his own so that you can have some time to yourself?
My H was making comments about all these projects around the house that I should do - in addition to cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. - while on maternity leave with B since I'd be on "vacation". When B was about 6 weeks old he had to watch him for 4 hours when I went in to talk to my boss, and he never made another comment after that.
I tell him that he's a great dad, that B loves him very much, and I appreciate everything he does because he's always worried that he's too hard on B or gets upset when B says "I don't want you Daddy, I want Mommy". I don't hear it back from him very often, but it doesn't really bother me because he does gets a lot done around the house when I'm busy with B which I appreciate.
Does your husband tell you that you're a good mom or that you're doing/do a good job? I don't think my H ever has. Maybe he just doesn't think about it?
I was thinking about this last night while I was getting up with both boys. Lincoln's behavior has been awful, I'm always frustrated and don't even know if I'm handling things right and I haven't heard my H assure me I'm doing a good job.
In the week I was with my mom, she told me almost every day how good of a mom I am and how proud of me she is.
My mom does this. DH does not, unless I'm fishing for a compliment.
FWIW, I think you are an awesome mom, and I agree with Trudy about you getting an awesome Christmas present!!!
I can spend so much more time on the internet at work then with the kids. When I am alone with both I find it so hard to even get on my iphone to probe for five minutes. He is so clueless. I bet he's on the internet all day himself at work. Like me lol
I really think an overnight trip would be a great idea. Do you have any way to engineer that happening? I know you'd have to pump and that would suck but it would be invaluable for him to understand what it's really like to take care of two needy children for 24 hours alone.
I haven't tried since about 6 months, so I'm not sure. And I don't even have a pump anymore, I'd have to hand express and I have the lipase thing too so my milk goes bad so quickly. But you're right, he needs to be with then an extended amount of time.
Okay, well my H sucks then because he never even makes comments like that
TrudyCampbell I agree! The hurtful comment he made, which he's actually said a few times before, was "well then, you can go to work while I stay home and sit on my phone all day." when I was complaining about having a hard day and him not helping me when he got home. Yeah.
oh heeeeeelllllllll no. I agree with Trudy that he needs a whole day with them by himself now, with the expectation that the house will be cleaned, the kids will have played appropriately and dinner will be ready or at least planned when you get home. Totally uncalled for. Especially since it's not like he's out in the fields all day breaking his back to provide. Pretty sure most of our husbands have pretty cush desk jobs and dick around their fair share while they are there.
I really think an overnight trip would be a great idea. Do you have any way to engineer that happening? I know you'd have to pump and that would suck but it would be invaluable for him to understand what it's really like to take care of two needy children for 24 hours alone.
I haven't tried since about 6 months, so I'm not sure. And I don't even have a pump anymore, I'd have to hand express and I have the lipase thing too so my milk goes bad so quickly. But you're right, he needs to be with then an extended amount of time.
Hmm he is 10+ months though now so he could easily go hours just eating food and if he won't accept a bottle he'll be fine.
Maybe try like.. 8 hours. So say you need to go to your spa thing then you are going to do christmas shopping etc. You of course will be taking the car. A nice 8 hour period stuck in the house with both boys should help him understand the situation a little better ....
and if he tries to pull some kind of "I don't want to take care of them all day alone because of xyz" just be like "huh. I thought it was super easy though? I mean you'll just be spending the day on your phone really right? you don't have to go anywhere at all. Easy"
So many of you are making me cry. I love you all so much. I really didn't mean for this to turn into a pity me party.
woman you deserve a pity party. You take care of both those kids alone all day every day and you don't even have a car. You live in the desert its so hot you can't even go outside half the time! Your husband thinks its easy (as men do sometimes when they don't know) and doesn't see why he'd need to do that much in the evening or on weekends either. Your child doesn't sttn or close to it at 10 months.
And your husband expects and gets regular sex!!!!!
You deserve a medal! He has no idea how good he has it. You must teach him
My husband does. He also makes me feel better about being a SAHM by reminding me that it's so nice for him to be able to go to work and never have to worry about our girls because he knows they're with me.
Cara, your H is on Santa's naughty list especially since you mentioned he said something hurtful recently . I think he should buy you a car for Christmas along with a card that says how great of a mom you are.
Exactly this. I love hearing it, especially the SAHM validation. When I complain I didn't get anything done (laundry, dishes, cooking) he looks at me like I have two heads and tells me I kept the babies alive and happy and that's enough.
I think it's time for a chat with your H, Cara. Want me to do it? staying at home with kids is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Your partner should support you and make you feel good.
No bottles and pump complicates things, for sure. Is C consistent enough that you can plan a time to swing home for 15 minutes to nurse him, then hand him back over to your H and leave again? You deserve more than that, but you also don't want to stress over logistics.
My husband does. He also makes me feel better about being a SAHM by reminding me that it's so nice for him to be able to go to work and never have to worry about our girls because he knows they're with me.
Cara, your H is on Santa's naughty list especially since you mentioned he said something hurtful recently . I think he should buy you a car for Christmas along with a card that says how great of a mom you are.
Exactly this. I love hearing it, especially the SAHM validation. When I complain I didn't get anything done (laundry, dishes, cooking) he looks at me like I have two heads and tells me I kept the babies alive and happy and that's enough.
I think it's time for a chat with your H, Cara. Want me to do it? staying at home with kids is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Your partner should support you and make you feel good.
We have talked and when I tell him how I feel, he says he understands, he's sorry and things are better for like a week. Then we're back. Is it too much to ask for him to recognize when he's going something wrong? Like how does he not realize he's not making the right decision when I repeatedly ask him to take a shower with Lincoln, yet he just continues to be on his computer for "one more minute" and I end up taking a shower with both of them? C'mon!