Exactly this. I love hearing it, especially the SAHM validation. When I complain I didn't get anything done (laundry, dishes, cooking) he looks at me like I have two heads and tells me I kept the babies alive and happy and that's enough.
I think it's time for a chat with your H, Cara. Want me to do it? staying at home with kids is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Your partner should support you and make you feel good.
We have talked and when I tell him how I feel, he says he understands, he's sorry and things are better for like a week. Then we're back. Is it too much to ask for him to recognize when he's going something wrong? Like how does he not realize he's not making the right decision when I repeatedly ask him to take a shower with Lincoln, yet he just continues to be on his computer for "one more minute" and I end up taking a shower with both of them? C'mon!
Then I think he needs a weekend alone with them. Come visit me
Can he formula feed C? I know it's not ideal but I do think you need a little time away. And he needs to realize just how hard it is. A day isn't bad. A weekend gives more of an idea of how hard it is--I truly think the most difficult thing is the monotony. We can never escape our lives being dictated by kids' schedules and moods. If talking about it isn't enough for him to get it, then maybe he needs to live it.
No bottles and pump complicates things, for sure. Is C consistent enough that you can plan a time to swing home for 15 minutes to nurse him, then hand him back over to your H and leave again? You deserve more than that, but you also don't want to stress over logistics.
Unfortunately, no but I will make something happen. I always say I'm going to but never follow through.
Post by charlielove on Nov 21, 2014 11:57:36 GMT -5
I'm so sorry about the hurtful comments and that you don't feel as appreciated as you should!
I haven't read all of the posts, so you may have answered this. Have you ever talked to him about the fact that you need to hear you are doing a great job? (You really are doing a GREAT job.)
We have talked and when I tell him how I feel, he says he understands, he's sorry and things are better for like a week. Then we're back. Is it too much to ask for him to recognize when he's going something wrong? Like how does he not realize he's not making the right decision when I repeatedly ask him to take a shower with Lincoln, yet he just continues to be on his computer for "one more minute" and I end up taking a shower with both of them? C'mon!
Then I think he needs a weekend alone with them. Come visit me
Can he formula feed C? I know it's not ideal but I do think you need a little time away. And he needs to realize just how hard it is. A day isn't bad. A weekend gives more of an idea of how hard it is--I truly think the most difficult thing is the monotony. We can never escape our lives being dictated by kids' schedules and moods. If talking about it isn't enough for him to get it, then maybe he needs to live it.
He's never had formula and I don't want to introduce it. I think after he's 1, I will be able to do something and relax. At this age, I'd stress too much to enjoy myself because he's up so much at night and I'd be too worried.
No bottles and pump complicates things, for sure. Is C consistent enough that you can plan a time to swing home for 15 minutes to nurse him, then hand him back over to your H and leave again? You deserve more than that, but you also don't want to stress over logistics.
Unfortunately, no but I will make something happen. I always say I'm going to but never follow through.
That's so hard, when getting away becomes so complicated. Maybe you can start by planning a consistent 4 hour (or however long) block every Saturday morning where you are gone. Just tell your husband you are gone from 8-12 and you get to go do whatever and he can figure everything out. Put it on your calendars and make it a non-negotiable weekly thing.
He does, but his love language is words of affirmation so he always tries to press that onto me. I get lots of words of affirmation from him continuously. If only that was my love language too
You're doing a great job and your husband should be telling you that alllllll the time. He obviously doesn't get it. I don't have good advice but just want to say that you're a wonderful mother and I hope you and YH can reach a point where he recognizes that.
I'm so sorry about the hurtful comments and that you don't feel as appreciated as you should!
I haven't read all of the posts, so you may have answered this. Have you ever talked to him about the fact that you need to hear you are doing a great job? (You really are doing a GREAT job.)
I haven't. I was thinking about this last night and how I'd even bring it up. Just ask him why he never says it to me?
I'm so sorry about the hurtful comments and that you don't feel as appreciated as you should!
I haven't read all of the posts, so you may have answered this. Have you ever talked to him about the fact that you need to hear you are doing a great job? (You really are doing a GREAT job.)
I haven't. I was thinking about this last night and how I'd even bring it up. Just ask him why he never says it to me?
And thank you.
I think I'd frame it more around him saying you're doing a good job is something you need him to tell you, instead of asking why he never does.
He's lucky he's in another state right now, because I'm raging on your behalf. What a horrible thing to say.
Cara, you know you're doing an amazing job with those sweet boys, right? You're a wonderful mom.
It was and he says stuff like this often. He makes it seem like I hate staying home. Did I choose it? Yes. Do I love it 100% of the time? No, but it's hard! Especially when I'm still the default parent even after he gets home.
I'm crying but thank you <3 I've been so bring myself, mostly with Lincoln, a lot lately.
I could have written this myself. MH makes me feel guilty that I don't love being at home 100% of the time. It's way harder than I thought it would be and I thought I'd have way more friends and mom groups to go hang out with. I tell him often that he needs to be more caring but he thinks he's doing just fine. I love him to death, but he really makes me feel like I need to be more appreciative of staying home.
Okay, well my H sucks then because he never even makes comments like that
TrudyCampbell I agree! The hurtful comment he made, which he's actually said a few times before, was "well then, you can go to work while I stay home and sit on my phone all day." when I was complaining about having a hard day and him not helping me when he got home. Yeah.
What?M oh gosh Cara, I'm sorry:(. I obviously missed this. That's really hurtful, and you have every reason to sit him down and have a talk with him.
Post by TrudyCampbell on Nov 21, 2014 12:16:41 GMT -5
You neeeeeeeeeed to leave him with the boys for an entire day. From the moment they wake up, he needs to get them and deal with it. Please do this!!
Sometimes on the weekends I hide in my room and read or do whatever and my H will just bring me Ruby to breastfeed and then take her back. He NEEDS to care for these kids!
And you need a car. What would happen in case of an emergency?
So many of you are making me cry. I love you all so much. I really didn't mean for this to turn into a pity me party.
woman you deserve a pity party. You take care of both those kids alone all day every day and you don't even have a car. You live in the desert its so hot you can't even go outside half the time! Your husband thinks its easy (as men do sometimes when they don't know) and doesn't see why he'd need to do that much in the evening or on weekends either. Your child doesn't sttn or close to it at 10 months.
And your husband expects and gets regular sex!!!!!
You deserve a medal! He has no idea how good he has it. You must teach him
Well, this regular sex business needs to stop.
I'm sorry you are feeling hurt Cara. How does he respond to things being written out for him? It's really hard to talk about things after work, we are too tired after the kids go to bed and the weekends are a whirlwind. Anyways, I've found that an email my DH can digest on his own time helps. I think he needs what you need spelled out for him.
Exactly this. I love hearing it, especially the SAHM validation. When I complain I didn't get anything done (laundry, dishes, cooking) he looks at me like I have two heads and tells me I kept the babies alive and happy and that's enough.
I think it's time for a chat with your H, Cara. Want me to do it? staying at home with kids is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Your partner should support you and make you feel good.
We have talked and when I tell him how I feel, he says he understands, he's sorry and things are better for like a week. Then we're back. Is it too much to ask for him to recognize when he's going something wrong? Like how does he not realize he's not making the right decision when I repeatedly ask him to take a shower with Lincoln, yet he just continues to be on his computer for "one more minute" and I end up taking a shower with both of them? C'mon!
Damn girl - you must be coordinated to shower with both of them!! Blake is not a fan of showers, but we have showered a few times, and he's completely clinging to me. I can't imagine another one in there with us. lol.
My H is really bad about this as well. He's also really bad about bringing up every single thing that bothers him when we fight - relevant or not. BUT I don't stay at home, and if I did, I'd have to have a car. I don't know how you do it. Blake favors me over H, so I guess I use that as my affirmation that I'm doing a good job. My H says sometimes, my son doesn't love me, or something like that if B chooses me over him, so I always make sure to say then that of course he loves you. Other than that, I don't ever really tell him he's a good dad. I just assume he knows he is, so maybe that's what your H thinks? I'd try to sit him down and really talk about it one day when you're both in a good mood and explain that sometimes you need to hear it from him.
I know you said you struggle with Lincoln especially sometimes, but you are doing an amazing job with both boys. We all have our moments when we struggle with our children, and you're with them ALL.THE.TIME, so you are entitled to have some moments I agree that you need some time away for yourself. And if you ever need recognition or affirmation that you're doing a great job, we are here for you!!!
I'm so sorry about the hurtful comments and that you don't feel as appreciated as you should!
I haven't read all of the posts, so you may have answered this. Have you ever talked to him about the fact that you need to hear you are doing a great job? (You really are doing a GREAT job.)
Seriously. You were so good with the boys when I saw you. I feel you on Lincoln being a handful recently. He reminds me of H. Do you guys have a timeline for L preschool or some kind MDO?
Not really. He just tells me that he has it hard too.
This makes me so mad because when it happens to me, I have to snap back "I never said it wasn't!" I mean, things can be hard for everyone and everyone can tell everyone they are doing a good job.
C25K...it works Seaside 5K...........40:45(2012) Turkey Trot..........41:30(2012)/37:08(2013)/37:40(2014) St Pat's 5K..........39:27(2013)/38:48(2014)/35:12(2015) Belair Town Run......38:09(2013)/36:27(2014) Back To Football 5K..37:36(2013)/43:44(2015) Balt Run Fest 5K.....34:59(2013)/41:50(2014)/35:54(2015)
I'm so sorry about the hurtful comments and that you don't feel as appreciated as you should!
I haven't read all of the posts, so you may have answered this. Have you ever talked to him about the fact that you need to hear you are doing a great job? (You really are doing a GREAT job.)
I haven't. I was thinking about this last night and how I'd even bring it up. Just ask him why he never says it to me?
And thank you.
Can you guys do the love language quiz and talk about it? Even if you have to skew your results to get more points for affirmation?
Not really. He just tells me that he has it hard too.
This makes me so mad because when it happens to me, I have to snap back "I never said it wasn't!" I mean, things can be hard for everyone and everyone can tell everyone they are doing a good job.
Not really. He just tells me that he has it hard too.
This makes me so mad because when it happens to me, I have to snap back "I never said it wasn't!" I mean, things can be hard for everyone and everyone can tell everyone they are doing a good job.
breezy8407 I'm sorry you're not hearing it from your husband either. You are doing a great job though!
TrudyCampbell your husband is the dream! And I know I need a car. I take him to work twice a week so I can have it but I need my own. We also NEED to move because our house is way too small for us. So much needs to happen.
thedahliharpa I will get writing down things, I feel like he doesn't really hear me when I talk to him sometimes. And thank you for saying I'm good with the boys, that really means a lot coming from you. And yes, Lincoln sounds a lot like the way you've described H. I'm losing it! There is a Kindercare that is walking distance from our house that I've been thinking about checking out. They have a 3 hour program for 2-3 year olds.
blane12 Thank you! Haha and showering with both of them took some practice but they both love the shower, which helps. As soon as Calvin hears the water turn on, he crawls in.
I'm sorry carawestt. I've been in your situation before with dh. He rarely watched Brady by himself until this summer. He has been telling me more lately how I'm doing a good job. He even kept the kids for me for a few hours one morning but I had mommy guilt and was only gone 2 hours. I know that with my dh if I tell him he's going to watch the kids or give Brady a bath or something he refuses he hates being told what to do and being asked isn't much better I have to kind of trick him to thinking it's his idea. Our 2nd cars been having issues and so I've been without a car most days lately too it sucks especially since there's no parks within walking distance
Not often but then when I went away for the weekend my H could see that I had really taught him so much and he recognized what I put it and sent me a text about how appreciative he is of me and what a great mom I am. He doesn't thank me or recognize what I do on the daily but I don't thank him or recognize what he does on the daily either.
Ditto what @thedahliharpa said- the regular sex needs to stop. And when he asks why you won't screw him, answer that you've been to busy mothering his children. Ain't nobody got time for that that crap!