Ditto what @thedahliharpa said- the regular sex needs to stop. And when he asks why you won't screw him, answer that you've been to busy mothering his children. Ain't nobody got time for that that crap!
Yes, this!!! I think he will be very open to listening if you do this. Seriously. Please.
Cara, FWIW, my H has said similar things to me especially when we are in a fight. It often seems like he thinks what he does is 100x's more important than what I do. They are both important in different ways and there is nothing that hurts me more than my H implying that my job isn't as hard or is a cake walk.
I do feel like it's a lose-lose in my house. A few fights it came up how he's the breadwinner (yet, for several years *I* supported us - he forgets that) but now that I'm doing photography and making about what I would making if I was teaching (after childcare was paid) he thinks I am working too much. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Have you told your H how much these comments hurt you? You are a fabulous mom. Truly.
My blood is boiling reading this thread. I'm so sorry carawestt and all you other ladies whose husbands aren't recognizing how much you all do. XH would make comments sometimes too when he got in one of his nasty moods about how I did nothing but sit at home and take stabs at my parenting. Now that I left him and provide for and raise DD on my own, I wish I had stuck up for myself when he spoke to me that way. You ARE a wonderful mother! Now he needs to step up and be a wonderful husband!
Ditto what @thedahliharpa said- the regular sex needs to stop. And when he asks why you won't screw him, answer that you've been to busy mothering his children. Ain't nobody got time for that that crap!
FWIW, he's not begging for sex all the time. I kinda just suggest doing it once it's been about a week that way I don't have to deal with hearing him complain about it being "so long" since we've done it. And when he does ask, I do tell him that I'm too busy and that if he helped more often I'd be willing to do it. I just hate fighting with him or coming off like a bitch. I suck at marriage apparently.
Cara, FWIW, my H has said similar things to me especially when we are in a fight. It often seems like he thinks what he does is 100x's more important than what I do. They are both important in different ways and there is nothing that hurts me more than my H implying that my job isn't as hard or is a cake walk.
I do feel like it's a lose-lose in my house. A few fights it came up how he's the breadwinner (yet, for several years *I* supported us - he forgets that) but now that I'm doing photography and making about what I would making if I was teaching (after childcare was paid) he thinks I am working too much. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Have you told your H how much these comments hurt you? You are a fabulous mom. Truly.
I'm sorry. You're doing amazing with the photography and you're a fantastic mom!
I don't tell him they hurt me in the heat of the moment. I usually get too angry and give him the silent treatment. Then I bring it up later and he apologizes.
Ditto what @thedahliharpa said- the regular sex needs to stop. And when he asks why you won't screw him, answer that you've been to busy mothering his children. Ain't nobody got time for that that crap!
FWIW, he's not begging for sex all the time. I kinda just suggest doing it once it's been about a week that way I don't have to deal with hearing him complain about it being "so long" since we've done it. And when he does ask, I do tell him that I'm too busy and that if he helped more often I'd be willing to do it. I just hate fighting with him or coming off like a bitch. I suck at marriage apparently.
You do NOT suck at marriage. Get those thoughts out of your head NOW!
Ditto what @thedahliharpa said- the regular sex needs to stop. And when he asks why you won't screw him, answer that you've been to busy mothering his children. Ain't nobody got time for that that crap!
FWIW, he's not begging for sex all the time. I kinda just suggest doing it once it's been about a week that way I don't have to deal with hearing him complain about it being "so long" since we've done it. And when he does ask, I do tell him that I'm too busy and that if he helped more often I'd be willing to do it. I just hate fighting with him or coming off like a bitch. I suck at marriage apparently.
You do NOT suck at marriage! No one likes fighting/ arguing with their spouses. I don't mean to slam your H, so I'm sorry if it comes across like that. I just adore you and want you to feel appreciated and cared for- you deserve that.
Cara, FWIW, my H has said similar things to me especially when we are in a fight. It often seems like he thinks what he does is 100x's more important than what I do. They are both important in different ways and there is nothing that hurts me more than my H implying that my job isn't as hard or is a cake walk.
I do feel like it's a lose-lose in my house. A few fights it came up how he's the breadwinner (yet, for several years *I* supported us - he forgets that) but now that I'm doing photography and making about what I would making if I was teaching (after childcare was paid) he thinks I am working too much. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Have you told your H how much these comments hurt you? You are a fabulous mom. Truly.
we ran into this before I got pregnant with Declan too. I was booked every weekend and really bringing in a good second income in addition to staying home, but it became too stressful since no one got any down time. I haven't decided if I want to ramp up at all again now, but H is also making more money and working more hours. Frustrating when you want to feel more validation outside of SAHMing. Having 3 makes it so much harder too since someone ALWAYS needs me right now and I don't want to spend my one or two free hours at night working.
FWIW, he's not begging for sex all the time. I kinda just suggest doing it once it's been about a week that way I don't have to deal with hearing him complain about it being "so long" since we've done it. And when he does ask, I do tell him that I'm too busy and that if he helped more often I'd be willing to do it. I just hate fighting with him or coming off like a bitch. I suck at marriage apparently.
You do NOT suck at marriage! No one likes fighting/ arguing with their spouses. I don't mean to slam your H, so I'm sorry if it comes across like that. I just adore you and want you to feel appreciated and cared for- you deserve that.
I don't think you're slamming him. Everything you're saying is true. I have given up so much of myself to be a mom but it seems nothing has changed for him. He still sleeps in, is always messing around on his computer, buys whatever he wants, hangs out with friends, goes out and does stuff. It's frustrating. I need to reprogram him but I'm afraid he's too stuck in his ways to change. I appreciate everything you're saying and I love you for it.
Not as often as I wish, especially since my love language is words of affirmation! I basically ask him and make him tell me things I want to hear, because I'm annoying like that. I would love if he did it more on his own. I know he thinks I am doing great, he just doesnt vocalize it. Well, actually he did in my birthday card, which was nice. But, I would like to be told every day how awesome I am and how great I am doing. ha
See that's the thing with having kids that I think is hard for me to understand. When you have a child, everything changes for you. Your body changes, hormones, etc. it doesn't for them. So it's hard for them to understand. I feel like it doesn't have to be some big stand. It can be gradual. Like, I'm going to get coffee. I'll be back in two hours. And next time it'll be something else. It's harder thinking about doing it and leading up to it. But once you are gone, it's ok. And he'll figure it out (I know you know this) and it might not get done how you would do it, but at least it's getting done. And the boys will all survive. And be better for it! I feel like the little ones need the time with him without me there. They need to know they can depend on him for stuff. And they will never learn that if I am always there for them to turn to!
Post by creamsiclechica on Nov 21, 2014 13:42:15 GMT -5
Cara, I just want you to know how much you deserve recognition for being an excellent mother, especially given your lack of support system and ability to control when you can stay or leave with the boys. That's especially difficult, and you not only manage to survive it, but excel. You cook, you maintain a happy and clean home, and those things on its face are not easy. Doing them without end, without sleep, without support of at least your husband is almost impossible.
It's not a pity party. Everyone deserves to be valued, appreciated, and thanked. He needs to communicate to you that he doesn't take you do granted, in his actions and his words.
He has to stop looking at it as a privilege and a competition. I do recommend laurack's suggestion. I'm not comfortable with overnights, but 8 hours is not too much to ask, ad might be one of the only ways he gets a taste for seeig your position. And dahli's suggestion of writing it out is also mine. I find that when I type out a stream of consciousness, I feel better and I'm more apt to be more clear and complete.
You are a wonderful mother. You're a wonderful wife. Sometimes it's hard to bridge the gap when you're on two different pages, but you just have to learn to read each other's books. You need some down time, honey. That's genuine. Love you.
You do NOT suck at marriage! No one likes fighting/ arguing with their spouses. I don't mean to slam your H, so I'm sorry if it comes across like that. I just adore you and want you to feel appreciated and cared for- you deserve that.
I don't think you're slamming him. Everything you're saying is true. I have given up so much of myself to be a mom but it seems nothing has changed for him. He still sleeps in, is always messing around on his computer, buys whatever he wants, hangs out with friends, goes out and does stuff. It's frustrating. I need to reprogram him but I'm afraid he's too stuck in his ways to change. I appreciate everything you're saying and I love you for it.
I understand, I really do. It's scary, but for the sake of your sanity & happiness you need to try. It's so different for some men to make the proper adjustments and sacrifices to parenthood. Especially since they aren't the ones with a baby attached to their breast or pulling at their leg 24/7. I think you should totally take TrudyCampbell advice and leave him with the boys for a whole day. Let him deal with L's tantrums and naughty toddler behavior. And let him deal with C's teething and nap resistance. And 3 meals. And diapers. And cleaning. And laundry. And activities. And all without a car! That's the kicker!!! You take that car and let him see what it's like to be isolated with 2 young children in the steaming desert!
You are a wonderful mom, honey. Your boys are beautiful and excellent and love you so much.
I hope you take some of the advice that others have already offered. You need time too. You DESERVE time and a break and to relax. It makes me mad that he gets to sleep in and play on the computer and see friends while you get none of that.
My H has always held taking care of L and then both of them and the house/food in high esteem, but he truly didn't get it until I left him alone with L. When I would vent about how crazy it can be with the two of them he didn't get it until I left him at home with them by himself for just a few HOURS. He's terrified to take them to the store by himself, which I do all the time. He thanks me for what I do and says it is harder than him going to work.
You need to leave your H alone with them for a day or even half a day. He will be singing a different tune. His comments were not ok.
ETA: I don't mean this to be harsh or a jab at your H, but he also really needs to grow up.
My H does now and then, but he complains that I don't keep the house clean at all when I'm home which I dont. I am one of those will get around to cleaning later but I never pick things up or do the dishes right away. He is a neat freak so he hates it.
He actually is home with M a lot and she acts totally different around him. She just plays quietly by herself. It is so annoying bc he doesn't get what I am talking about when I say she is so whiny and all over me when I'm alone with her.