Ok, I have a hypothetical for the "no" people inspired by a PP.
Let's say your kid is in college and out of state. Far enough that you only get to see them on breaks. Let's also say they're pretty financially independent. They couldn't make it back for thanksgiving but will be home for a week for Christmas. They want to bring their bf/gf and sleep in the same room.
You say no, they say OK, your house, your rules. So instead they'll be staying at bf/gf's house in the next town over for the break instead. This means that you'll only get to see them 2 days of their break instead of the whole week.
Would this change your position or would you rather they stay at someone else's place for their break?
Obviously I don't have kids, but no I wouldn't let my kid black mail me like that. That's what makes snotty little shits of kids that walk all over their parents.
Obviously I don't have kids, but no I wouldn't let my kid black mail me like that. That's what makes snotty little shits of kids that walk all over their parents.
Lol, OK, I'm back on my computer so I can type easier.
I didn't mean for it to sound like blackmail (though I can see how it reads that way). I meant it like only seeing them for 2 days would happen not because they were blackmailing, but as a consequence of them staying farther away from home. They would try to visit every day, but because of the distance and staying with the other family, only make it out a total of two days.
I guess a better way to have worded my hypothetical would have been something like: Seeing your kids during their break >/< Letting them sleep in the same room as their bf or gf.
I guess I'm not seeing the difference lol.
I'd tell them I'd appreciate if they spend time with us since you know, we are their family, but really they can make their own semi-adult decisions. Not sleeping in the same bed as your bf or gf for 1 week isn't the end of the world and if they were actually an adult they would realize this. I'd have no problem saying Bye Felicia with your nonsense!
I don't know, but I'm leaning towards yes for a 20 year old. I don't see it as disrespectful unless they have audible sex or lock themselves in and never join the family, etc.
I may have converted their room into a gym by the time they are 20 so everyone who comes home may have to sleep on the living room floor anyway
***We live in a loft. If I had my way, we would never move so ^^^ may be a real scenario.
Post by alexithymia on Dec 28, 2014 10:47:12 GMT -5
It's probably just a difference in upbringing, but I don't understand what's so disrespectful about sharing a bed. As long as they're not having loud sex that everyone can hear, they're probably just sleeping. Most people I know weren't brazen enough at 20 to have sex with their parents in the next room.
It's probably just a difference in upbringing, but I don't understand what's so disrespectful about sharing a bed. As long as they're not having loud sex that everyone can hear, they're probably just sleeping. Most people I know weren't brazen enough at 20 to have sex with their parents in the next room.
I will say then I don't get the argument that they MUST sleep together, then. Lol. Maybe I'm weird? But I never ever felt like I just HAD to share a bed with H every single day and it was important enough to even consider arguing about.
I don't think it is disrespectful. For me, its more about a different view of 19-20 year olds. To me they are still kids. To others, they are full fledged adults.
Just wondering why people think having sex with a partner would be considered disrespectful?
Because it's disrespectful to insist on doing something in your parents' house, with their blessing, that may not sit well with their value system.
It's not rocket science.
It seems very strange to me that having sex/sleeping over by age 20 is apparently against the value system of so many people on this board. I'm curious as to when most people here started having sex, then.
Because it's disrespectful to insist on doing something in your parents' house, with their blessing, that may not sit well with their value system.
It's not rocket science.
It seems very strange to me that having sex/sleeping over by age 20 is apparently against the value system of so many people on this board. I'm curious as to when most people here started having sex, then.
I'm in the yes camp, but I don't think people are saying premarital sex or sex at 20 are against their values. They're saying that they would prefer their still young and unmarried children not sleep in the same bed as their SO at their home out of respect.
ETA - I think, as the owner of the house, you get to make the rules.
Post by miniroller on Dec 28, 2014 11:18:48 GMT -5
Non-mom here, who's had an interesting time reading. Automatically I thought- Nope. Then I read some (somewhat:) ) reasonable arguments, & sort've re-considered. Then I remembered my husband will be involved in this decision too- NOPE. Sigh. Now I'm just confused. I will say, Once Again, that I hope society takes a nice swing back to the 1950's-era teenage clothing, norms, etc. So when my future kid is a pre-teen, I'll have NONE of this to worry about!! Ha?
Yeah... I will be ok with it. My mom made sexuality so so so taboo & wrong that to this day I have messed up feelings about sex. We were always talking about abortion & gay rights yet f was shameful that I had large breasts & I had to wear a minimizes bra turtlenecks & baggy tops.
I will try to avoid making my kids feel so much shame if possible.
It seems very strange to me that having sex/sleeping over by age 20 is apparently against the value system of so many people on this board. I'm curious as to when most people here started having sex, then.
I'm in the yes camp, but I don't think people are saying premarital sex or sex at 20 are against their values. They're saying that they would prefer their still young and unmarried children not sleep in the same bed as their SO at their home out of respect.
ETA - I think, as the owner of the house, you get to make the rules.
Yeah this.
I'm not in the firm no camp because I really think it depends on the kid and situation.
However, it's kinda close to the analogy of drinking at home. I also don't think I'll allow my 20 year old to get drunk at my house even though I know they probably go out and party.
Post by missmaddie on Dec 28, 2014 11:24:55 GMT -5
DH and I have been together since we were 15, living together at 23, married at 25, and staying with each other on weekends in dorms in between, plus vacations, etc. It was never a real issue because our parents lived in the same town so there was no need, but I don't think they'd have had an issue with it at 20.
I would be okay with it if it was a long term partner who I generally was comfortable having in my home overnight regardless of their sleeping arrangemts. Like others have said, if DS lives at home in university, I hope he will just go back to their dorms for any random hook ups, lol.
As others have said too, staying together doesn't really mean sex per se. I *think* the first time DH and I have had sex together while my parents or his were under the same roof was one night at the cottage this summer when DS and my parents were long asleep, at 31! It's just never been something that comes up after Christmas dinner with our families when we are sharing walls.
I lost my virginity at 15, moved out to live with my boyfriend at 18, got married at 21, had the teen at 23.
Having said all that, she's now almost 20 and has had an on-again/off-again boyfriend for about a year. I wouldn't be okay with having them share a room while staying with us. And knowing her, she wouldn't want to anyway, so there's that.
I'm in the yes camp, but I don't think people are saying premarital sex or sex at 20 are against their values. They're saying that they would prefer their still young and unmarried children not sleep in the same bed as their SO at their home out of respect.
ETA - I think, as the owner of the house, you get to make the rules.
Well, then, you still haven't answered kooshball's question. WHY is it disrespectful?
LOL. If I thought kooshball might actually consider a viewpoint other than her own, I might invest the time to explain it to her.
My husband, then boyfriend, moved into my parents house a few months after dating due to a shitty room mate situation. He had his own bedroom downstairs and mine was upstairs - opposite sides of the house. Once we moved out, we were allowed to stay in my bedroom together.
My parents figured if I was old enough to live on my own and pay a mortgage, then I was old enough to share a bed when visiting. But when I lived at home, it was his house rules.
If there's an engagement at 20 I've got much bigger problems than a fricking guest bedroom situation on my hands.
I was engaged at 19. The first time. I don't think it was a 'problem', I know people who have made it young. Different strokes, I guess. Depends on the people. For me, I'm glad that I went out into the world and experienced more--my free spirit needed that. Some don't.
This is totally me. My engagement didn't end in a marriage, thankfully, but I don't regret it. It is a part of my history and shaped me into who I am today.
When H and I were engaged, I was 28 and he was 29. We were already living together in our own place, but when visiting my mother's home, we had separate rooms. I thought it was ironic, but it didn't bother me in the least to respect her wishes.
I would be fine with it. It's not like your kid sleeping with someone in your house is less weird after the wedding. It's still your kid sleeping with someone. No one wants to think about that regardless of marital status.
Post by birdistheword on Dec 28, 2014 12:08:43 GMT -5
Not a parent, but I imagine I would be OK with it. It wasn't an issue with me in college because I went to school in my hometown and my only serious relationship was with my now husband, who is also from our home town. But my parents never made sex/premarital sex a taboo thing and talked with me openly about it. They did allow my male best friends to stay over in high school, and they never specified where they had to sleep. They also allowed me and now H to share a bedroom in our condo when he went on vacation with my family while we were dating.
When I was living at home my parents would not allow my bf to sleep over, but I slept at his parents house. So that makes sense, right? Once I was living with my bf in my late 20's (later my h, now xh) they were ok with us sleeping together in their summer home with them there. So out of sight, out of mind for my family, I guess. I don't have kids so not sure how I'll feel once they're of that age.
DH and I have been together since high school (15/16), got engaged at 20, married at 22. We are now 33/34.
His parents were/are very conservative and strict. Mine were/are the opposite. My parents didn't care whatsoever if he slept in my room or not. His parents wouldn't even let us watch a movie together unsupervised until we were married. And honestly even as a married couple, we didn't/don't feel particularly comfortable in their house.
Needless to say, we didn't spend much time at his parent's house. It wasn't manipulative, it was just spending time where we felt comfortable. His parents have never been warm and fuzzy, they are older (FIL is now 83) and have always been cold and grandparent-like in a way.
DH has three brothers. His parents systematically changed their stances as the brothers got married. When DH and I, and his oldest brother and his wife got married, none of us were permitted to be alone. BIL and SIL actually lived together, but would move her stuff out of the apartment when the parents visited. I found that ludicrous, but when you are unwilling to accept your child's adult choices, you are kept in the dark about a lot of stuff. Now DH's youngest brother (currently 31) is engaged, openly lives with his fiance, and when he visits home they sleep in the same room/bed. Night and day difference.
I guess my only observation watching these two different stances is that I have a MUCH more open and honest relationship with my parents than DH does with his. Because he was constantly worried about "disrespecting them" (or whatever), he didn't tell them much or share much with them in his early 20s. At this point, both of us are closer with my parents than his parents. I'm not saying that being against sharing a room means you will cut down communication, but I do think it is a reflection of a larger relationship dynamic.
With my own kids, if they are in college or older and in a monogamous and committed relationship I would probably follow their lead on what they were comfortable with when visiting home. DH and I are the exception to the rule (started dating as babies, are happily married in our mid-thirties), but I am not naive enough to think that relationships in the late teens/early twenties aren't meaningful and loving. Many are, and if they are more comfortable sharing a bedroom at home I probably won't clutch my pearls over it.
Yes, at 20 I would, if they were in a serious relationship.
I was not allowed to until I was married, even though we were living together. And I found that silly, but of course I respected my parents wishes. My parents have loosened up a bit with my little sister, who is also living with her boyfriend. We went to Vegas with my family and stayed in a condo all together and they were able to sleep in the same bed...but my Dad added a condition. Sis's BF had to sleep in a sleeping bag on top of the covers. Lolololololol We had a lot of laughs over that one - including taking fake wedding pics at a VEGAS chapel so my Dad would think they were married and BF could finally get under the covers