WWYD? I'm not judging my sister but I wouldn't do it. If anything separate rooms but even that I don't think I would be ok with.
I don't know what I'd do in this situation because I don't have kids. I imagine it would depend on my kid and the relationship.
However, the bolded seems odd to me. I would want my college age kid bringing home their significant other and letting the family get to know them better. And if the relationship was serious i would expect them to spend some time together over breaks. If we had room in the house I would feel strange having a 20 yo get a hotel room when we had space for them to stay with us. Plus I would want every one to become comfortable with each other. This is all assuming that the bf/gf don't have family in town.
I guess my only observation watching these two different stances is that I have a MUCH more open and honest relationship with my parents than DH does with his. Because he was constantly worried about "disrespecting them" (or whatever), he didn't tell them much or share much with them in his early 20s. At this point, both of us are closer with my parents than his parents. I'm not saying that being against sharing a room means you will cut down communication, but I do think it is a reflection of a larger relationship dynamic.
I'm sorry, but I think this is ridiculous. There are any number of things that go into making effective and open communication work; not allowing sleepovers hardly seems indicative of anything except a house rule.
I was closer to my parents than a lot of my friends were in college and beyond, and my parents never allowed sleepovers.
I hate these posts because it turns simple comfort level into larger condemnations of parenting.
I totally agree with this.
My mom told me she didn't believe in waiting until marriage to have sex, but my bf and I did not stay together while she and my dad were still financially supporting me. She and I are very close and have an open relationship, and I had no problem not sharing a bed for a weekend visit.
She did let us stay together one we were financially independent, and I imagine I will do the same with my kid(s)
Post by Eureka1984 on Dec 28, 2014 13:37:55 GMT -5
I think I would be called a prude too and be totally judged. I was brought up in the sense that nothing happens in my parents home and to this day I live that way with my own parents.
I had a serious boyfriend at 16 and his parents were totally relaxed. They would always tell us "it is better to be known than to lie and skirt around the issue." They never asked anything specific but they always told us to be respectful and know our consequences. They treated us like adults and just made the expectation known about consequences.
As for me, I think I'll be okay with it. You cannot stop the inevitable. I just hope that I educated her enough to be respectful and make good decisions but we will cross that bridge when we get there.
Post by irishbride2 on Dec 28, 2014 13:41:25 GMT -5
So for those who are pro the 18 cut off, if your child turned 18 the fall of senior year you are cool with it? What if their partner is not yet 18Does that make a difference?
I don't know what my cut off is but to me 18is so arbitrary and I've yet to meet an 18 year old I didn't consider a kid, legalities aside.
Post by donnamartingraduat on Dec 28, 2014 13:43:07 GMT -5
My parents didn't allow us to sleep in the same room (same bed wasn't an option) until we were engaged. H's parents put us in the same bed from the beginning. It didn't really matter to us either way - sleeping alone a couple of nights wasn't a big deal.
No kids now - but I think I would be OK with it post-college. College kids still seem like "kids" to me - even though I met H my junior year of college.
My H would be fine with it during college I'm sure - his hippie parents rubbed off on him!
I dont consider myself a prude, but I wouldnt allow our son to sleep with his girlfriend under our roof. Yeah, I know they are doing it elsewhere, but under my roof, nope.
The whole under 21 drinking is a big NO! I could be arrested for that!
My 19 year old? No. For a number of reasons. I have younger children in my home, etc. Now, if she was already living with a SO and came home to visit? Sure. Once she reaches an age such as, 23 - 24? Okay. But a boyfriend or whatever wouldn't be living in my home with her, so it would have to be a situation where she moves away or boyfriend is visiting from out of town.
Post by pinkiepromise on Dec 28, 2014 15:41:07 GMT -5
I'm really not sure how I would feel about DS having a girlfriend spend the night. I never asked to have a bf spend the night when I was that age and DH and I were already living together and engaged before I had come back home for an overnight visit. DH says absolutely not, which I think is interesting considering that he was allowed to have his high school gf spend the night and later on lived with her and her father for short time after they had graduated. *shrug* I'm sure both sets of parents knew that their children were having sex in their homes. I think it would all just depend on the situation - is DS living on his own? Are they living together? How long have they been dating? ETC... Are those that are saying no to sleepovers also planning on supervising "alone time"? I think if the kids are planning on having sex in their parents house they probably don't care about when/where this is happening. They call them quickies for a reason. I know a few of my friends (in our younger days) would take advantage of any free time/space they could get alone even if they weren't allowed to have their bf/gf spend the night.
So for those who are pro the 18 cut off, if your child turned 18 the fall of senior year you are cool with it? What if their partner is not yet 18Does that make a difference?
I don't know what my cut off is but to me 18is so arbitrary and I've yet to meet an 18 year old I didn't consider a kid, legalities aside.
Well, I expect (lol) my 20 year old daughters to be away at college, so if I trust that they're able to make good decisions out of my home, I expect they'll be able to make good ones while they're under my roof. For me, this isn't a respect thing... If they are responsible, making good life decisions, and are in an exclusive relationship, I don't see a problem with it.
i answered no earlier, but want to ring in one more time. Some people were saying the 20 year olds were "adults". To me, an "adult" is someone who is living on their own, & self suffiecent. Not relying on mom & dad for any support. Therefore, a 20 year old, home from college isnt quite there yet. AT that point I "might" change my mind, but I'd have to be put in the situation to really made that decision.
i answered no earlier, but want to ring in one more time. Some people were saying the 20 year olds were "adults". To me, an "adult" is someone who is living on their own, & self suffiecent. Not relying on mom & dad for any support. Therefore, a 20 year old, home from college isnt quite there yet. AT that point I "might" change my mind, but I'd have to be put in the situation to really made that decision.
So for those who are pro the 18 cut off, if your child turned 18 the fall of senior year you are cool with it? What if their partner is not yet 18Does that make a difference?
I don't know what my cut off is but to me 18is so arbitrary and I've yet to meet an 18 year old I didn't consider a kid, legalities aside.
Well, I expect (lol) my 20 year old daughters to be away at college, so if I trust that they're able to make good decisions out of my home, I expect they'll be able to make good ones while they're under my roof. For me, this isn't a respect thing... If they are responsible, making good life decisions, and are in an exclusive relationship, I don't see a problem with it.
Huh? I asked about those who said 18 was t he cut off. My entire question was about high school
Post by MixedBerryJam on Dec 29, 2014 0:03:36 GMT -5
My 18yo freshman slept in the same bed, platonically (actually, I believe him when he tells me this) with a female friend when he was home for Thanksgiving and he and she went to a concert with some friends. I'm actually more concerned (well, not worried-concerned, more confused-concerned) that next semester his 5-person, two-room dorm suite will be occupied by four men and one woman. I was floored when he told me is an official, college-sanctioned arrangement. The rooms are going to be split, boy/girl and boy/boy/boy.
Haha, I JUST came home from my sister's house and her daughter is 20, living with them and in college. She has a boyfriend and he's not allowed to stay over. Their house, their rules. They have raised two of the most awesome kids I've ever met so I don't question their parenting too much. As for myself, I really don't know how I'll feel about it. I have a feeling that I'll err on the more traditional side, though. Not necessarily until they are married but until he is on his own, I guess. But like I said, it's hard to say when he's six, lol.
Yes. I would recognize them as an adult with adult needs. I think at twenty it is up to my child to make decisions about whether or not they invite someone over.
My 18yo freshman slept in the same bed, platonically (actually, I believe him when he tells me this) with a female friend when he was home for Thanksgiving and he and she went to a concert with some friends. I'm actually more concerned (well, not worried-concerned, more confused-concerned) that next semester his 5-person, two-room dorm suite will be occupied by four men and one woman. I was floored when he told me is an official, college-sanctioned arrangement. The rooms are going to be split, boy/girl and boy/boy/boy.
Wow, I'm surprised that everyone is ok with that.
I've had several male roommates and have definitely shared small spaces from tents to small hostel rooms with males, but I don't think I'd want that as a permanent living situation to share a bedroom with a random male.
Yes, they'll be given the option. I'll defer to my kid's choice (if he/she isn't comfortable before their SO comes over I'll plan accordingly) but it just seems like an unnecessary hassle. I have no realistic expectations that my kids will be virgins when they get married so what am I playing at by forcing separate rooms? Who am I doing this for? If my kid is at college, they're doing this anyway, regardless of my approval.
I just don't understand these reasons. It's not even a matter of "Welp, those are the rules!" - why is that even a rule?
Post by karmasabiotch on Dec 29, 2014 0:15:46 GMT -5
I couldn't do it. I know I'm a prude. I also think that 20 is still just so young. As amazing as my nephew is he still has his Mom call to schedule Doctor appointments for him. That isn't a sign of a grown up to me.they say the brain is t fully developed until 25 but that might just be for pot smoking.
Oh, and here in MI it's illegal to give anyone under 21 alcohol except apparently infants when they have a sip of wine when they're 7 days old before there peen is cut.
My 18yo freshman slept in the same bed, platonically (actually, I believe him when he tells me this) with a female friend when he was home for Thanksgiving and he and she went to a concert with some friends. I'm actually more concerned (well, not worried-concerned, more confused-concerned) that next semester his 5-person, two-room dorm suite will be occupied by four men and one woman. I was floored when he told me is an official, college-sanctioned arrangement. The rooms are going to be split, boy/girl and boy/boy/boy.
I lived with male roommates three out of my four years in college. The first two times were in houses with lots of other people; the last it was just me and two guys. Everyone was straight but we really all were just friends. (And slept in beds that way many times after concerts and on hotel trips.)
My 18yo freshman slept in the same bed, platonically (actually, I believe him when he tells me this) with a female friend when he was home for Thanksgiving and he and she went to a concert with some friends. I'm actually more concerned (well, not worried-concerned, more confused-concerned) that next semester his 5-person, two-room dorm suite will be occupied by four men and one woman. I was floored when he told me is an official, college-sanctioned arrangement. The rooms are going to be split, boy/girl and boy/boy/boy.
Wow, I'm surprised that everyone is ok with that.
I've had several male roommates and have definitely shared small spaces from tents to small hostel rooms with males, but I don't think I'd want that as a permanent living situation to share a bedroom with a random male.
This is exactly where I am, too! I cannot imagine the girl/boy room working out, just from a privacy perspective, but everyone is onboard (and I just learned today that the college's housing director is my kid's suite's next doorneighbor, so I'm sure everything is by the book.
My first clue that his relationships with females are vastly different than mine with males at that same age came when he told me his friends really appreciate the heating pad I bought for him for college ... The girls report it really helps with "that time of the month." This is a phrase his ears have never heard my lips utter.