Hax: My son and his wife won't stay with me for holidays

[ijack]

This sounds like my ILs who like to share hotel rooms with us or have me share a bed with Grammie :/

[2curlydogs]

Have not read Carolyn's response but MIL needs to back the fuck off.

[Vespasia]

Nothing like smothering people to make them want to get closer.

[elleblue]

Ha! She started off with exactly what ran through my head. I also love that she quoted The Princess Bride. <3

[erbear]

Why isn't she drafting a letter to her son rather than her daughter-in-law?

This is silly and I hope Carolyn lets her know she;s being a huge baby. I prefer space too - we always stay with my parents instead of DH's parents at Christmas bc of space issues. We could stay there, but we prefer the space and quiet.

[taratru]

I didn't know my aunt even read Carolyn, let alone wrote in. I fight this every damn year with every damn holiday - come stay with us in our ONE bedroom house with your three kids and if you don't, I'm going to pout like a baby. Oh, we can't come to your house where there is room because it's just too far to travel. I LOATHE the family dynamics of holiday time.

Maybe they just want to bang and not worry about the noise? Jesus, mom, back the fuck off.

[ECB]

There is no better sure-fire way to create DISTANCE than by trying to force someone to be close to you! The whole letter makes me shudder.

[tacosforlife]

She says "the kind of closeness that you get from sharing space and making compromises," and I hear "the kind of closeness that comes from you hearing your son and his wife fucking and them smelling the stink left in the bathroom after you take a shit."

[ajj]

I was cringing reading that. Carolyn responded much nicer than I would have. I hope the lady takes her advice.

[AJL]

I HATE staying at anyone else's house. Hate, hate, hate it. I like my own space. I don't like being in other people's living spaces more than for a visit. We stay with MIL when we visit but she has a huge upstairs with two guest bedrooms. On occasion we have stayed in a hotel when we visited her and I was always 1000% more comfortable.

Mrs. St. Louis MIL needs to back the fuck off or she's going to lose her son and create a giant rift between her DIL and herself.

[laurenpetro]

I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to stay there. It sounds like a calm, relaxed environment.

Ick.

[meshaliuknits]

The Princess Bride reference is my everything.


I was worried for a moment that this was my MIL writing in since I won't go to their house for the holidays because I do not visit places with even a chance of snow and no amount of "it almost never snows in Seattle" will convince me because I can see that ALMOST in the sentence. But I do sleep at her house when we visit. I don't particularly enjoy it and I would rather stay in a hotel, but I suck it up for my husband who sucks it up to make his mother happy.

This lady needs to be happy they like her enough to visit. Not all of us are built to deal with people we didn't choose on a 24/7 basis and being forced to can build resentment and cause people doing the forcing to end up with a fork in the eye.

[FloFTW]

I am physically repulsed reading that.

[downtoearth]

I like Carolyn's response b/c it allowed for the MIL/Mother to be upset and pout a little about what she envisioned with her adult children's relationship to her, but also added the reality check to let them be with their decisions (because they are adults).

I come from a house of chaos and love when I am surrounded by family chaos at holidays - it feels like home.  So sometimes that makes sense - my DH on the other hand hates it.  But really I can see being hurt as a parent to boys if they seemed closer to the DIL's family than us, but that's why you keep girlfriends around your whole life - to vent to them safely with wine in hand instead of trying to change your adult kid's choices.

[cattledogkisses]

Nope. 100% team son. And I say that as someone who stays with their parents every time we visit. The crucial factor there is that my parents have a five bedroom, five bathroom house, so when all the kids and our SOs are there we all have our own space. If that wasn't the case, it would probably be a different story. I don't like to compromise when it comes to sharing my space (I need to introvert, lol), and this MIL sounds nuts.

[ECB]

Nov 4, 2015 12:08:47 GMT -5 laurenpetro said:

I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to stay there. It sounds like a calm, relaxed environment.

 

this is where forcing closeness is the issue here.  We love to stay w/  my parents and spend time w/ them.  Because everything is always easy and relaxed.  But my FIL?  It's the opposite.  And he wants to be CLOSE and and and....

So, we actually spend LESS time w/ him.  If he'd just chill out, he actually might get what he wants.

[Deleted]

IS THAT YOU MIL??!?

Last time I shared a room with someone I was so paranoid about yanking off my pajamas in my sleep that I actually couldn't even sleep. That week was so traumatizing that I randomly woke up at home for a good year afterwards in a panic because I was naked.

I sleep in my underwear and I can't comfortably sleep in anything more than that. I sleep in no one's house but my own.

[tacosforlife]

God, I can't wait until the day that we have children and I can convince my H that we need to stay in a hotel when we visit his parents. I do not enjoy sharing a double bed (what are we, animals?) that smells like dog and hearing MIL's oxygen machine clicking while I try (unsuccessfully) to sleep.

Last time we were there, one of the grossest things ever happened to me. So gross that I have told nobody, not even H. Typing it out seems like it would make it real. I almost vomited from the grossness. Ugh. I do not want to go back at Christmas.

[cattledogkisses]

Nov 4, 2015 12:11:03 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

I know it's not strictly relevant, but I'm dying to know whether this MIL has a realistic guest room setup or a "you can sleep on the cardboard futon in our office" type of arrangement.

I loooove being able to say "look, no, we've booked a hotel and now everyone is happy" when it comes to visiting my ILs.

Since she talks about sharing space and making compromises, I'm guessing it's probably the cardboard futon scenario. 

[decemberwedding07]

Nov 4, 2015 12:18:42 GMT -5 tacosforlife said:

Last time we were there, one of the grossest things ever happened to me. So gross that I have told nobody, not even H. Typing it out seems like it would make it real. I almost vomited from the grossness. Ugh. I do not want to go back at Christmas.

You do realize that now you basically have to type it out and tell us what happened. 

[2curlydogs]

It this woman wants to know what the end game of her plan is, she can have my email and I'll give her an earfull.

I loved Carolyn's response.

[tacosforlife]

Nov 4, 2015 12:28:02 GMT -5 decemberwedding07 said:

Nov 4, 2015 12:18:42 GMT -5 tacosforlife said:

Last time we were there, one of the grossest things ever happened to me. So gross that I have told nobody, not even H. Typing it out seems like it would make it real. I almost vomited from the grossness. Ugh. I do not want to go back at Christmas.

You do realize that now you basically have to type it out and tell us what happened. 

I can't. I might vomit on my keyboard.

[sfy]

She sounds like she's is never satisfied. How is the relationship on their terms when they are coming to see her and even that still isn't enough? We stay at MIL's but I would prefer a hotel. She would probably kill me though. Actual murder.

[decemberwedding07]

Nov 4, 2015 12:29:09 GMT -5 tacosforlife said:

Nov 4, 2015 12:28:02 GMT -5 decemberwedding07 said:

You do realize that now you basically have to type it out and tell us what happened. 

I can't. I might vomit on my keyboard.

You saw MIL naked, or you walked in on MIL and FIL going at it, or MIL or FIL walked in on you and your H. Did I get it right?

[marriedfilingjoint]

I was reading this in my dad's voice re: my brother and his wife. They don't stay with him because his house is disgusting and they don't even ride in his car because he smokes. He has literally cried to me about my brother staying in a hotel when they are in town. When we bought a new house last year, they stayed in our guest room at the holidays and I thought shit would hit the fan but not a word was said.

[omgzombies]

The Princess Bride reference has made my afternoon.

I too wonder what the actual sleeping situation is. We usually stay with my parents when we visit them and it's cramped and crowded and I don't sleep well and am grouchy. That's no fun for anyone. We actually ended up getting a hotel room for a night, because we just needed a good nights sleep. With my ILs there are more bedrooms to spread out in, and it's so much easier.

Being well rested is paramount for everyone getting along and having a good time. That's what's important. It also starts to become much easier once any of the grandkids grow up a little. When ours were super little, it was hard enough just traveling with them to visit grandparents, and if we all had to share a room it was pretty much a guarantee that no one would sleep. Now that they are even a few years older it's so much easier. We still prefer not to have to share a room with our kids, but if we have to it's not the end of the world.

[Elsa]

Oh shit. I wonder if this is my MIL. We are going to H's grandmother's house for Thanksgiving, and while we have stayed there every year, because of some different circumstances this year (one of the bedrooms not being available anymore, only floor space in the living room, a 4 year old who is a light sleeper, etc), we are getting a hotel room.

When I told her this this past weekend, she discussed all kinds of scenarios for us to not get a hotel room- "stay with cousins!"...but they have a cat, and I'm incredibly allergic. "Just sleep on the living room floor on a blow up mattress!"....except again, my 4 year old is a light sleeper and sleep is important to me. "You can take grandmas bed and she can sleep on the floor!"......uh, fuck no I'm not taking a *97* year olds bed and asking her to sleep on the fucking floor.

I am a grown ass adult, I can afford a hotel room, and I want my own space and toilet. We left it saying that we would think about it, but I already booked our room. lol

[Deleted]

My ILs are forever trying to get us to share a car with them to family events. No, I don't want to ride in the backseat of your sedan for 4 hours. I want to drive my car and listen to music and stop & get a slurpee in the way.

[decemberwedding07]

tacosforlife, just give us a hint. If you can't bring yourself to say it, say, "It rhymes with..." For example, "I opened a bathroom drawer and found something that rhymes with 'fresh bright.'"

WAIT! I feel like I'm remembering someone's story here! Didn't someone go in the shower after her FIL or father and there was a flesh light just sitting there? Was that you?

[omgzombies]

I also feel the need to send that poor DIL a sympathy card. That girl needs someone to buy her a drink.