My ILs visited recently and my dog dragged something out of the trash and onto the guest bed. I picked it up with a tissue and out fell an applicator for vaginal moisturizer. It touched me.
I don't understand the part about the MIL and DIL needing to accept each other the way they are in her answer. It didn't sound to me like the DIL doesn't like MIL- just that the son and DIL didn't want to carpool or stay overnight.
Right?! Why is this all on the DIL? Maybe her son thinks the house is too crowded.
H doesn't like staying at his parents' because our other option in town has a better bed and more room for our dog. At my IL's house, the dog is only allowed in the basement and not allowed to pee in their yard...it can be a logistical nightmare, not to mention having to sleep on an air mattress if his brother is also home. It's not always about the DIL.
I was worried for a moment that this was my MIL writing in since I won't go to their house for the holidays because I do not visit places with even a chance of snow and no amount of "it almost never snows in Seattle" will convince me because I can see that ALMOST in the sentence. But I do sleep at her house when we visit. I don't particularly enjoy it and I would rather stay in a hotel, but I suck it up for my husband who sucks it up to make his mother happy.
This lady needs to be happy they like her enough to visit. Not all of us are built to deal with people we didn't choose on a 24/7 basis and being forced to can build resentment and cause people doing the forcing to end up with a fork in the eye.
But, but...it almost never snows in Seattle! And it's hellanicer than Bakersfield :shudder
I agree with everyone else in that mom needs to back off. On the other hand, I'm also the mom to two boys and I dread that one of them will marry a shrew and we'll never see him again.
After 10 years together though, I'd just be honest as to why I want a hotel room. Not enough guest bedrooms, uncomfortable mattress, you keep your house too damn hot, pet allergies, bathroom sharing, etc. I wouldn't leave it vague especially if they persisted like this woman does.
Why are you preemptively blaming your future DILs for the possibility of not having a good relationship with your grown sons? Barring an abusive relationship, your sons will choose and create the relationship they have with you, not your DILs.
Honestly, the fact that you're already thinking this way makes me think that you will be prone to blaming your DILs for you not having the exact relationship you want with your sons, creating the very distance you fear.
Oh shit. I wonder if this is my MIL. We are going to H's grandmother's house for Thanksgiving, and while we have stayed there every year, because of some different circumstances this year (one of the bedrooms not being available anymore, only floor space in the living room, a 4 year old who is a light sleeper, etc), we are getting a hotel room.
When I told her this this past weekend, she discussed all kinds of scenarios for us to not get a hotel room- "stay with cousins!"...but they have a cat, and I'm incredibly allergic. "Just sleep on the living room floor on a blow up mattress!"....except again, my 4 year old is a light sleeper and sleep is important to me. "You can take grandmas bed and she can sleep on the floor!"......uh, fuck no I'm not taking a *97* year olds bed and asking her to sleep on the fucking floor.
I am a grown ass adult, I can afford a hotel room, and I want my own space and toilet. We left it saying that we would think about it, but I already booked our room. lol
OMG at your MIL for suggesting that! Is this her mother or her MIL that she is suggesting sleep on the floor when she's pushing 100? May she receive the same love and respect from her children in her dotage.
I was worried for a moment that this was my MIL writing in since I won't go to their house for the holidays because I do not visit places with even a chance of snow and no amount of "it almost never snows in Seattle" will convince me because I can see that ALMOST in the sentence. But I do sleep at her house when we visit. I don't particularly enjoy it and I would rather stay in a hotel, but I suck it up for my husband who sucks it up to make his mother happy.
This lady needs to be happy they like her enough to visit. Not all of us are built to deal with people we didn't choose on a 24/7 basis and being forced to can build resentment and cause people doing the forcing to end up with a fork in the eye.
But, but...it almost never snows in Seattle! And it's hellanicer than Bakersfield :shudder
ALMOST is not enough assurance!
We NEVER go Bakersfield for the holidays. My sister has people to see and places to go. We stay home and eat Chinese food.
Last time we were there, one of the grossest things ever happened to me. So gross that I have told nobody, not even H. Typing it out seems like it would make it real. I almost vomited from the grossness. Ugh. I do not want to go back at Christmas.
You do realize that now you basically have to type it out and tell us what happened.
You know what, there were times that, as a kid and teenager, you keep your head down and deal with a less-than-ideal room or living situation because you're growing up and well, you deal with the family and home you're given.
But one of the primary perks of being an independent adult is that *I* get much more say in what I want to put up with and don't -- not my parents. Why would I give that up?
This lady says twice that she thinks family closeness comes from sharing space and "making the best of it" or "making compromises", which I read as conditions are indeed less than adequate and she thinks they should put up with it to make her happy. Nope. Your adult son and his wife don't have to go by your definition of what makes them "close" or not, or let you force them to make the best of being uncomfortable. Grown-ups get to make their own choices about that stuff.
Post by BlondeSpiders on Nov 4, 2015 14:50:34 GMT -5
I see a common thread here in these responses and the OP. It sounds like most of these moms just don't understand that their babies grew up! Cramming together in a small house, sharing beds and (ick) bathrooms can be fun when you're a kid. I'm sorry., but I don't think it's normal for a grown ass adult to share a bed with another adult you're not partnered with! I would not even share a bed with my mom, and we are very close. I'm an adult, and I require a bed.
I had my own battle with my ex in laws years ago. They had no guest room, but had a sleeper sofa in the living room. One thanksgiving DIL got the couch (even though she lived half a mile up the road!!) because she and MIL wanted to get an early start on Black Friday. MIL offered us the couch cushions to use on the floor, seriously. Then got super pissed when we declined and left to a motel. Bitch, do I look like a 5 year old who likes sleeping on the floor? BTW, we were in our 30s at this point.
iammalcolmx would die if she visited my ILs. The nicest hotel within a reasonable distance of them is a Hilton Garden Inn.
I don't mind those hotels.
Yeah, but it is THE FANCIEST for miles and miles, if that gives you an idea of the available amenities in the area. I get sad every time I go. And then I feel like the snobbiest, bougiest asshole ever. But ugh. So terrible.
So, what you're saying here is that there's a hallway tray table in the DIL's future?
Oh, yes. "Why won't you let my son stay here? Why won't you let my son have Thanksgiving with us?" "why do you make my son send his children to private school?" "Why do you make my son do fill in the blank with anything I don't like that the two of you have agreed to do?"
I feel like I'm looking into a crystal ball at granthamite's future actions as a MIL.
Yeah, but it is THE FANCIEST for miles and miles, if that gives you an idea of the available amenities in the area. I get sad every time I go. And then I feel like the snobbiest, bougiest asshole ever. But ugh. So terrible.
I actually don't mind that. I once went to Lake Weiss Alabama and had the BEST TIME. The only place to eat Breakfast is the Waffle House or a Gas Station.
My mom could have written this. She legit gets her feelings super hurt if we even suggest that we would stay somewhere else. But we have four kids now, and they live in a 3 bedroom house that is a disaster 75% of the time. It's just not doable. I would enjoy our visits so much more if I didn't feel obligated to stay at their house.
I think that could be summed up as: son is enforcing boundaries, mother has no sense of boundaries and is throwing a shit fit. What that has to do with DIL, I have no idea. Other than some outdated gender role bullshit.
Yeah, but it is THE FANCIEST for miles and miles, if that gives you an idea of the available amenities in the area. I get sad every time I go. And then I feel like the snobbiest, bougiest asshole ever. But ugh. So terrible.
The one time I slept at my ILs house we ended up in the noisiest full-size bed in the world. You would move your toe and wake up the whole house. ANDPLUSALSO, my BIL (who still lives with them) got food poisoning that night and we spent the whole night listening to him yack. Blech. My MIL had just replaced the hall carpet with hardwood and so it was like ECHOES OF PUKING NOISES.
I'm so glad that the only parent that lives far enough away that visiting requires overnight stays is my FIL. Who lives in a giant house that used to be a B&B, and outside of meal times, doesn't expect us to be glued to him and SMIL the entire time.
My mom would be this kind of crazy if I had to travel to visit her. Her big life dream is to basically buy a giant house and have all 5 of her kids, their SOs and the grandkids live under the same roof until she dies (unless she hits the Powerball, this will never happen, thankfully).
She also keeps talking about how she wants the ENTIRE family to take a trip to Disney World. Which, okay, Disney World with everybody? Seems reasonable. Until she starts talking about how she wants to rent one of those vans that seats, like, 20 and have us all travel the 1800 miles in that together.
Hard pass, Mom. We're not the Duggars, quit trying to make us be the Duggars.
Introvert checking in. I do stay with my in-laws, but it stresses me out.
First, they have 133542 pets. Not really. They are down to 2 dogs and 2 cats, but if SIL1 is there, she'll bring her dog, too. And her toddler can't be on the floor with her own dog, because he has gone after her before, so that's a new and exciting twist. Part 1.B - the cats are allowed on (and fed on) the counter.
Second, FIL is a hoarder. I'm no minimalist, but the fear of the overloaded book case tipping over on me at any given moment upsets me.
Third, we sleep in the sun room on a pull out. Thankfully, it's been replaced by a queen-sized, new pull out, but it's still a pull out. And now the new one takes up much more space when it's out. And they have 2 really flat pillows in there. My husband just told me that at Thanksgiving, he's bringing his own pillows.
Fourth, there are 2 bathrooms, but the shower in one has been out of commission for as long as I've known them. They are supposedly doing major renos next year, but until then, there's 1 shower. It's next to MIL and FIL's bedroom. Upstairs from where we sleep.
Did I mention there are often 7 adults and 1 toddler in this house over holidays?
There is no way we could ever get away with staying in a hotel. MIL even had us stay in her bedroom last year when I couldn't sleep on the pull out because of my back. And we stayed with the neighbor (who had lovely guest rooms) when SIL1 got married so extended family could stay with MIL and FIL. I have no idea what we'll do if/when we have a baby, because it's already problematic trying to figure out where everyone will sleep with SIL and BIL's baby, and there's no room in our sun room for a P&P or anything.
Contrast this to my mom's house, where 2 people live, and there are 2 FULL bathrooms, and we have our choice of a guest room with a new, queen-sized bed or a guest room with a new, full-sized bed, and there is only 1 dog and 1 cat, and there is no hoarding and enough space for everyone, and by "everyone" I mean 6 adults, max. Even my husband, who grew up in the chaos of his parents' house, thinks my mom's house is really nice and relaxing. Duh.
I can't stay with my dad because he has 2 adults and a 5 year old living in a 1050 sq ft house with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom and he also works from home. We spend about 4 hours there on Christmas Eve with 4-5 kids and 8-10 adults, and that is more than enough.
MILs like this one, who sounds EXACTLY like my own, are why my best friend wants to find herself "a nice orphan to marry"
My stepfather's parents are dead and he's an only child and does not have any children of his own. (Well, the first two hold true for my mom.) My mom says she saw those things as a huge benefit.
Post by StrawberryBlondie on Nov 4, 2015 15:56:53 GMT -5
My family thought it was a great idea to try to cram 14 people into a 1-bedroom 1-bathroom apartment all day on Christmas 2 years ago. And got pissy when we tried to leave so my 30-week pregnant self needed a nap.
Post by eponinepontmercy on Nov 4, 2015 16:01:51 GMT -5
When we visit my parents (they live 2.5 hours away), we stay in my sister's room. DH and I share a full bed, with DD in a toddler bed next to us (my sister bought it for her for xmas last year), and my sister ends up on the couch.
There is one bathroom for 5 adults and a small child. We never sleep well there. Plus, their new dog is really territorial so we have to alternate boarding our dog and their dog.
My family is lucky we love them.
Oh, and the only hotel in town is a Howard Johnson that is often in the paper for criminal activity.
Introvert checking in. I do stay with my in-laws, but it stresses me out.
First, they have 133542 pets. Not really. They are down to 2 dogs and 2 cats, but if SIL1 is there, she'll bring her dog, too. And her toddler can't be on the floor with her own dog, because he has gone after her before, so that's a new and exciting twist. Part 1.B - the cats are allowed on (and fed on) the counter.
Second, FIL is a hoarder. I'm no minimalist, but the fear of the overloaded book case tipping over on me at any given moment upsets me.
Third, we sleep in the sun room on a pull out. Thankfully, it's been replaced by a queen-sized, new pull out, but it's still a pull out. And now the new one takes up much more space when it's out. And they have 2 really flat pillows in there. My husband just told me that at Thanksgiving, he's bringing his own pillows.
Fourth, there are 2 bathrooms, but the shower in one has been out of commission for as long as I've known them. They are supposedly doing major renos next year, but until then, there's 1 shower. It's next to MIL and FIL's bedroom. Upstairs from where we sleep.
Did I mention there are often 7 adults and 1 toddler in this house over holidays?
There is no way we could ever get away with staying in a hotel. MIL even had us stay in her bedroom last year when I couldn't sleep on the pull out because of my back. And we stayed with the neighbor (who had lovely guest rooms) when SIL1 got married so extended family could stay with MIL and FIL. I have no idea what we'll do if/when we have a baby, because it's already problematic trying to figure out where everyone will sleep with SIL and BIL's baby, and there's no room in our sun room for a P&P or anything.
Contrast this to my mom's house, where 2 people live, and there are 2 FULL bathrooms, and we have our choice of a guest room with a new, queen-sized bed or a guest room with a new, full-sized bed, and there is only 1 dog and 1 cat, and there is no hoarding and enough space for everyone, and by "everyone" I mean 6 adults, max. Even my husband, who grew up in the chaos of his parents' house, thinks my mom's house is really nice and relaxing. Duh.
I can't stay with my dad because he has 2 adults and a 5 year old living in a 1050 sq ft house with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom and he also works from home. We spend about 4 hours there on Christmas Eve with 4-5 kids and 8-10 adults, and that is more than enough.
That, right there, is enough to make me not stay. LOL
I have cats and I looked at that line all side eye. I need msmerymac to assure me they clean the counters before they prepare food before I succumb to the vapors. Really CLEAN them.