Staying with my parents can be very cramped and annoying if my brother and his family are also staying there. If it's just my H and I staying there it isn't too bad, but I find it annoying as fuck that my dad continues to use the "guest" bathroom instead of the bathroom off their bedroom when we stay -- I stepped in his pee dribbles once and that is just not acceptable.
My mom is also a little unhinged about visits. I went down this past spring and stayed with my sister for three nights, and my mom for two nights, and my mom was being a huffy, whiny, bitch about it the whole time because I wasn't spending the entire visit at her house. Are you fucking kidding me? We're still having lunch and dinner and hanging out, I'm just not sleeping there, it is not a big deal. Frankly it made me made me not want to go down for a visit at all, and means I probably won't toss in an extra visit again like I did this year. But of course we're going down for Christmas, and we'll be staying there. ::sigh::
Staying anywhere with my SIL and her kids is a nightmare for me, because they are of the "let it mellow" persuasion and I'm not OK with a house bathroom smelling like an outhouse and peeing on top of three other people's pee (especially when her boys often don't bother with a "brown flush it down" methodology either).
Staying with my parents can be very cramped and annoying if my brother and his family are also staying there. If it's just my H and I staying there it isn't too bad, but I find it annoying as fuck that my dad continues to use the "guest" bathroom instead of the bathroom off their bedroom when we stay -- I stepped in his pee dribbles once and that is just not acceptable.
My mom is also a little unhinged about visits. I went down this past spring and stayed with my sister for three nights, and my mom for two nights, and my mom was being a huffy, whiny, bitch about it the whole time because I wasn't spending the entire visit at her house. Are you fucking kidding me? We're still having lunch and dinner and hanging out, I'm just not sleeping there, it is not a big deal. Frankly it made me made me not want to go down for a visit at all, and means I probably won't toss in an extra visit again like I did this year. But of course we're going down for Christmas, and we'll be staying there. ::sigh::
Staying anywhere with my SIL and her kids is a nightmare for me, because they are of the "let it mellow" persuasion and I'm not OK with a house bathroom smelling like an outhouse and peeing on top of three other people's pee (especially when her boys often don't bother with a "brown flush it down" methodology either).
It took me a minute to realize what you were getting at here. And then I shuddered. Ew.
Introvert checking in. I do stay with my in-laws, but it stresses me out.
First, they have 133542 pets. Not really. They are down to 2 dogs and 2 cats, but if SIL1 is there, she'll bring her dog, too. And her toddler can't be on the floor with her own dog, because he has gone after her before, so that's a new and exciting twist. Part 1.B - the cats are allowed on (and fed on) the counter.
Second, FIL is a hoarder. I'm no minimalist, but the fear of the overloaded book case tipping over on me at any given moment upsets me.
Third, we sleep in the sun room on a pull out. Thankfully, it's been replaced by a queen-sized, new pull out, but it's still a pull out. And now the new one takes up much more space when it's out. And they have 2 really flat pillows in there. My husband just told me that at Thanksgiving, he's bringing his own pillows.
Fourth, there are 2 bathrooms, but the shower in one has been out of commission for as long as I've known them. They are supposedly doing major renos next year, but until then, there's 1 shower. It's next to MIL and FIL's bedroom. Upstairs from where we sleep.
Did I mention there are often 7 adults and 1 toddler in this house over holidays?
There is no way we could ever get away with staying in a hotel. MIL even had us stay in her bedroom last year when I couldn't sleep on the pull out because of my back. And we stayed with the neighbor (who had lovely guest rooms) when SIL1 got married so extended family could stay with MIL and FIL. I have no idea what we'll do if/when we have a baby, because it's already problematic trying to figure out where everyone will sleep with SIL and BIL's baby, and there's no room in our sun room for a P&P or anything.
Contrast this to my mom's house, where 2 people live, and there are 2 FULL bathrooms, and we have our choice of a guest room with a new, queen-sized bed or a guest room with a new, full-sized bed, and there is only 1 dog and 1 cat, and there is no hoarding and enough space for everyone, and by "everyone" I mean 6 adults, max. Even my husband, who grew up in the chaos of his parents' house, thinks my mom's house is really nice and relaxing. Duh.
I can't stay with my dad because he has 2 adults and a 5 year old living in a 1050 sq ft house with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom and he also works from home. We spend about 4 hours there on Christmas Eve with 4-5 kids and 8-10 adults, and that is more than enough.
That, right there, is enough to make me not stay. LOL
That, right there, is enough to make me not stay. LOL
I have cats and I looked at that line all side eye. I need msmerymac to assure me they clean the counters before they prepare food before I succumb to the vapors. Really CLEAN them.
I have found one cat eating some leftover Thanksgiving turkey before, off of the turkey, so think about THAT. I forgot to mention that they keep leftovers in the garage or on the deck in the winter when there isn't room in the fridge, so they usually sit on the counter until FIL takes them out.
And you know I have cats too. And no way in hell are they allowed on my counters or tables.
I have cats and I looked at that line all side eye. I need msmerymac to assure me they clean the counters before they prepare food before I succumb to the vapors. Really CLEAN them.
I have found one cat eating some leftover Thanksgiving turkey before, off of the turkey, so think about THAT. I forgot to mention that they keep leftovers in the garage or on the deck in the winter when there isn't room in the fridge, so they usually sit on the counter until FIL takes them out.
And you know I have cats too. And no way in hell are they allowed on my counters or tables.
FIX IT, JESUS.
I'm the weirdo who shares a fucking pillow with her cat, and even I want to vom reading this.
Staying with my parents can be very cramped and annoying if my brother and his family are also staying there. If it's just my H and I staying there it isn't too bad, but I find it annoying as fuck that my dad continues to use the "guest" bathroom instead of the bathroom off their bedroom when we stay -- I stepped in his pee dribbles once and that is just not acceptable.
My mom is also a little unhinged about visits. I went down this past spring and stayed with my sister for three nights, and my mom for two nights, and my mom was being a huffy, whiny, bitch about it the whole time because I wasn't spending the entire visit at her house. Are you fucking kidding me? We're still having lunch and dinner and hanging out, I'm just not sleeping there, it is not a big deal. Frankly it made me made me not want to go down for a visit at all, and means I probably won't toss in an extra visit again like I did this year. But of course we're going down for Christmas, and we'll be staying there. ::sigh::
Staying anywhere with my SIL and her kids is a nightmare for me, because they are of the "let it mellow" persuasion and I'm not OK with a house bathroom smelling like an outhouse and peeing on top of three other people's pee (especially when her boys often don't bother with a "brown flush it down" methodology either).
It took me a minute to realize what you were getting at here. And then I shuddered. Ew.
I don't even like going to their house for dinner because of this. My H and I end up playing bathroom chicken until one of us just can't hold it any longer, and then the other will go after them.
We once spent Thanksgiving at my MIL's where it was the 5 adults (maybe 6, I can't remember if my other SIL was there), and three kids, with two bedrooms and one bathroom. We were thankfully staying at this giant BB&B type place by ourselves at night, but during the day it was so crowded and she lives in the middle of no where so there was no way to escape. Luckily I was able to add my MIL into the game bathroom chicken too, and her old lady bladder made it more bearable.
I have cats and I looked at that line all side eye. I need msmerymac to assure me they clean the counters before they prepare food before I succumb to the vapors. Really CLEAN them.
I have found one cat eating some leftover Thanksgiving turkey before, off of the turkey, so think about THAT. I forgot to mention that they keep leftovers in the garage or on the deck in the winter when there isn't room in the fridge, so they usually sit on the counter until FIL takes them out.
And you know I have cats too. And no way in hell are they allowed on my counters or tables.
This is against the law. If nothing else, the law of decency.
After 10 years together though, I'd just be honest as to why I want a hotel room. Not enough guest bedrooms, uncomfortable mattress, you keep your house too damn hot, pet allergies, bathroom sharing, etc. I wouldn't leave it vague especially if they persisted like this woman does.
I'm afraid to do this with MIL because she will spend a ton of money trying to fix the things that drive me crazy. She has two spare bedrooms. SIL, her husband, and her two young sons live in the same town as MIL. The largest of the two rooms is huge-- it has enough room for two kind size beds. The smallest of the two rooms is very small-- it can't fit a bed larger than a queen, and there's not a ton of room left once the queen size bed is in there. The smaller of the two rooms is what was turned into the guest room. The larger of the two rooms she made into SIL/nephew's room. (??) It has a bunch of toys for the kids, a TV, video games, and TWO futons that fold out to king size beds, but they're futons, so they aren't comfortable. SIL lives about a mile from MIL. What the point of that room is, I have no idea.
I hardly sleep at all when we are there because I just don't have enough room in a queen size bed. I know she spent a ton of money on the bedding, bed frame, and mattress. She got the same brand of sheets that she knows I have on our bed at home (they're expensive, but I like soft sheets), and she got an organic mattress, because she knows that's what we have at home. She clearly put a lot of effort into making the room as nice and as like home as possible for us, but I just cannot sleep on a bed that small. And the mattress is wayyyyy too firm. H loves it, but it's painful for me. I wake up feeling bruised, but I just suffer in silence, which is something I hate doing. And H is very close to his mom (she is a very sweet woman), so he likes to visit her as often as possible, which is up to once a month, and not less than once every other month.
On the plus side, she always provides plenty of wine!
Staying with my parents can be very cramped and annoying if my brother and his family are also staying there. If it's just my H and I staying there it isn't too bad, but I find it annoying as fuck that my dad continues to use the "guest" bathroom instead of the bathroom off their bedroom when we stay -- I stepped in his pee dribbles once and that is just not acceptable.
I can see why your mother doesn't want him using her bathroom, though.
I have cats and I looked at that line all side eye. I need msmerymac to assure me they clean the counters before they prepare food before I succumb to the vapors. Really CLEAN them.
I have found one cat eating some leftover Thanksgiving turkey before, off of the turkey, so think about THAT. I forgot to mention that they keep leftovers in the garage or on the deck in the winter when there isn't room in the fridge, so they usually sit on the counter until FIL takes them out.
And you know I have cats too. And no way in hell are they allowed on my counters or tables.
You shouldn't stay there AND you should eat out. Ick.
Staying with my parents can be very cramped and annoying if my brother and his family are also staying there. If it's just my H and I staying there it isn't too bad, but I find it annoying as fuck that my dad continues to use the "guest" bathroom instead of the bathroom off their bedroom when we stay -- I stepped in his pee dribbles once and that is just not acceptable.
I can see why your mother doesn't want him using her bathroom, though.
LOL! He does still use the other bathroom though, for pooping, and at night. It's just day time peeing that he uses the bathroom in the hallway. But also, my mom wears flip-flops around the house constantly, so she doesn't actually run the risk of bare foot/stocking foot pee dribbles.
I agree with everyone else in that mom needs to back off. On the other hand, I'm also the mom to two boys and I dread that one of them will marry a shrew and we'll never see him again.
After 10 years together though, I'd just be honest as to why I want a hotel room. Not enough guest bedrooms, uncomfortable mattress, you keep your house too damn hot, pet allergies, bathroom sharing, etc. I wouldn't leave it vague especially if they persisted like this woman does.
Why are you preemptively blaming your future DILs for the possibility of not having a good relationship with your grown sons? Barring an abusive relationship, your sons will choose and create the relationship they have with you, not your DILs.
Honestly, the fact that you're already thinking this way makes me think that you will be prone to blaming your DILs for you not having the exact relationship you want with your sons, creating the very distance you fear.
This is really rubbing me the wrong way.
I took "shrew" to imply the sort of person who is controlling and manipulative. I do know people (men and women) who have married people who keep them away from their families, usually because they want to feel like they have power over the spouse-- that they are the main source of influence in their life. It is a form of abuse, IMO. In my experience, the abused spouse doesn't see it that way because to them, the spouse is a nice person. I think it's not uncommon for people to worry their kids will marry someone like that. It's really hard to convince someone that they're in an abusive relationship if you never get to see them.
Staying with my parents can be very cramped and annoying if my brother and his family are also staying there. If it's just my H and I staying there it isn't too bad, but I find it annoying as fuck that my dad continues to use the "guest" bathroom instead of the bathroom off their bedroom when we stay -- I stepped in his pee dribbles once and that is just not acceptable.
My mom is also a little unhinged about visits. I went down this past spring and stayed with my sister for three nights, and my mom for two nights, and my mom was being a huffy, whiny, bitch about it the whole time because I wasn't spending the entire visit at her house. Are you fucking kidding me? We're still having lunch and dinner and hanging out, I'm just not sleeping there, it is not a big deal. Frankly it made me made me not want to go down for a visit at all, and means I probably won't toss in an extra visit again like I did this year. But of course we're going down for Christmas, and we'll be staying there. ::sigh::
Staying anywhere with my SIL and her kids is a nightmare for me, because they are of the "let it mellow" persuasion and I'm not OK with a house bathroom smelling like an outhouse and peeing on top of three other people's pee (especially when her boys often don't bother with a "brown flush it down" methodology either).
I want to show your post to my husband.
He claimed the guest bath as "his bathroom" for #2. Problems: 1. when no guest is there, he leaves the door open when he is done. Just cuz he can't smell his shit doesn't mean the rest of us cannot. And that bathroom is close to the front door. He has told me to go close the door myself if it is bothering me. And it pisses me off because he could just shut the door when he exits like most people. 2. he was using it instead of our bathroom or the upstairs bathroom when my parents were in town for 10 days. Dude - give them some freakin' space and don't make them go upstairs to go to the bathroom because you stunk them out of the one next to their room. And don't piss in there when they are sleeping either!
My husband is not a bad guy. The people who bought our old house accidentally let their pet out of the backyard (found out through the neighborhood facebook page) and he went driving around from 10p - midnight on a school night looking for the damn thing. He can be really sweet and generous about some things. He even went out of his way to get my mom's fiance's favorite whiskey for the guy's night caps - and it isn't a kind DH likes himself. But he wanted him to feel at home.
But damnittohell he can be obtuse about some basics of hospitality and bathroom consideration!!
lol this was my MIL to a tee. When i wanted to have one fucking holiday with my family instead of dh's, I was TEARING THE FAMILY APART.
Ha! And this is MY mom. She declared one year that Thanksgiving was the most important day of the year to her, so she expected all of us to always have Thanksgiving at her house. You can't just "call" Thanksgiving for the rest of time, mom! It doesn't work that way!
LONG AGO I dated a guy who was offended that when we went to visit his family I wasn't OK with sleeping in the kids top bunkbed, surrounded by toys and waking up to mouthbreathing chaps standing below me staring. He thought I just wasn't a family person. Then we went to visit MY family and everybody had their own room and there were more bathrooms and he was like, Oh.
My college boyfriend invited me to spend a week at his family's beach condo. The entire week unraveled in Meet The Parents fashion but it started out with the fact that he waited until we got there to spring it on me that I was sharing a bed with grandma. I kid you guys not. Thank God we took my car, I ended up being able to leave a few days early to "study for a test I forgot about" and he rode home with his BSC family.
I will preface this by saying we don't even speak to MIL, FIL, and BIL any more because they are actual real crazy (personality disorders).
One Christmas, when we had been married for 3 years and had a BABY, we only spend one night at my in-laws' house. You know, because we have full time jobs, and a FUCKING BABY. My BIL was in college and still living at home.
He was so.upset that we were only there one night that when we returned home (1.5 hour drive), we saw that he had ranted on facebook:
"I guess I don't even have a brother any more. I guess I know where your priorities lie now and they're obviously not with your family."
I have found one cat eating some leftover Thanksgiving turkey before, off of the turkey, so think about THAT. I forgot to mention that they keep leftovers in the garage or on the deck in the winter when there isn't room in the fridge, so they usually sit on the counter until FIL takes them out.
And you know I have cats too. And no way in hell are they allowed on my counters or tables.
This is against the law. If nothing else, the law of decency.
were you here for the post about people not eating from potluck dishes at work for this very fear? half of us were all "oh come on, that doesn't happen!!!" and the other half were "you have no idea how bad it can be".
lol this was my MIL to a tee. When i wanted to have one fucking holiday with my family instead of dh's, I was TEARING THE FAMILY APART.
Ha! And this is MY mom. She declared one year that Thanksgiving was the most important day of the year to her, so she expected all of us to always have Thanksgiving at her house. You can't just "call" Thanksgiving for the rest of time, mom! It doesn't work that way!
I think my mom was secretly happy I married a Jew because she gets all the Christmases.
I have found one cat eating some leftover Thanksgiving turkey before, off of the turkey, so think about THAT. I forgot to mention that they keep leftovers in the garage or on the deck in the winter when there isn't room in the fridge, so they usually sit on the counter until FIL takes them out.
And you know I have cats too. And no way in hell are they allowed on my counters or tables.
You shouldn't stay there AND you should eat out. Ick.
It's all the more sad because MIL is a great cook who makes me fun vegetarian dishes that FIL would never try. But leftovers? No thanks. "Hey, do you guys want sandwiches or something to take with you for the road?" "Nope, not hungry, but I have cereal bars in the car, thanks anyway."
This is against the law. If nothing else, the law of decency.
were you here for the post about people not eating from potluck dishes at work for this very fear? half of us were all "oh come on, that doesn't happen!!!" and the other half were "you have no idea how bad it can be".
it was pretty awesome.
No, but I come from a long line of people who trust no kitchen which they've not personally witnessed being cleaned, so I know exactly how bad it can be lol. Work potluck? Not even with a doctor on standby.
lol this was my MIL to a tee. When i wanted to have one fucking holiday with my family instead of dh's, I was TEARING THE FAMILY APART.
Ha! And this is MY mom. She declared one year that Thanksgiving was the most important day of the year to her, so she expected all of us to always have Thanksgiving at her house. You can't just "call" Thanksgiving for the rest of time, mom! It doesn't work that way!
BIL did this. He lives 3 hours away from all of his would-be guests. Who all live within 5 miles off one another.
I will preface this by saying we don't even speak to MIL, FIL, and BIL any more because they are actual real crazy (personality disorders).
One Christmas, when we had been married for 3 years and had a BABY, we only spend one night at my in-laws' house. You know, because we have full time jobs, and a FUCKING BABY. My BIL was in college and still living at home.
He was so.upset that we were only there one night that when we returned home (1.5 hour drive), we saw that he had ranted on facebook:
"I guess I don't even have a brother any more. I guess I know where your priorities lie now and they're obviously not with your family."
OMG DH GOT THIS IN AN EMAIL from BIL after our Tday fiasco. Are we related?
I wouldn't be surprised because apparently the ILs have a long history of shunning people that don't join the family compound! We're probably long lost cousins.
Why are you preemptively blaming your future DILs for the possibility of not having a good relationship with your grown sons? Barring an abusive relationship, your sons will choose and create the relationship they have with you, not your DILs.
Honestly, the fact that you're already thinking this way makes me think that you will be prone to blaming your DILs for you not having the exact relationship you want with your sons, creating the very distance you fear.
This is really rubbing me the wrong way.
I took "shrew" to imply the sort of person who is controlling and manipulative. I do know people (men and women) who have married people who keep them away from their families, usually because they want to feel like they have power over the spouse-- that they are the main source of influence in their life. It is a form of abuse, IMO. In my experience, the abused spouse doesn't see it that way because to them, the spouse is a nice person. I think it's not uncommon for people to worry their kids will marry someone like that. It's really hard to convince someone that they're in an abusive relationship if you never get to see them.
I'm not sure about that, it's certainly not something I think about. I mean obviously I don't want them to end up in any kind of abusive relationship physical or emotional, but it's not something I actively worry about either. I tend to just assume that my kids will end up with someone who treats them well, even if I don't necessarily get along with them.
We stayed with MIL when DS was 4 weeks old. We traveled from CA to CO, so we thought it would be easy. She had room for us, but she.would.not. give me my baby so I could feed him, nor leave us alone long enough to nap. I told DH we were leaving to go stay with friends who had more space. It pissed MIL off, but to this day she respects my boundaries.
As an adult I don't give a fuck about hurting family's feelings when it means making myself uncomfortable. Nope.
lol this was my MIL to a tee. When i wanted to have one fucking holiday with my family instead of dh's, I was TEARING THE FAMILY APART.
Ha! And this is MY mom. She declared one year that Thanksgiving was the most important day of the year to her, so she expected all of us to always have Thanksgiving at her house. You can't just "call" Thanksgiving for the rest of time, mom! It doesn't work that way!
This is my MIL. My god her obsession with TG is legendary and straight up INSANE. She has a twin brother, whose wife works on Black Friday every year now, but they both also work the Wednesday before TG. So, MH's aunt and uncle (the twin brother) drive up super late Wednesday night (it's roughly a 4 hour drive but they lose an hour on the way up because of a time difference), and then leave at like 6pm on TG. I used to be more understanding, because the aunt didn't work on that Friday, and it was the only holiday that MH's extended family got together and it was the whole Wed-Sunday break that they had family around. Add in that my cousin died on TG around the time my H and I started dating, TG is not really a holiday that I enjoy with my family. After my cousin died, our traditions changed, understandably, and my aunt/uncle/other cousin started doing their own thing/traveling because the holiday was too hard on them to spend it with everyone at my mom's house. That was the last place they saw my cousin alive, and it's just too much for them. So when we were first together, I was like whatever, because Christmas was the holiday I enjoyed most with my family, and my family's TG was always kind of up in the air those first few years. We did a little back and forth over the years, but for the most part, stuck with TG with his family, Christmas with mine.
Then we moved, and my BIL got divorced and remarried. Right after we moved, we and my BIL traveled in town for my SIL's wedding, TG, and Christmas in a 2 month time period. After that we were all like, NEVER AGAIN. Then I got pregnant and was due at the end of September so we were like, fuck no we aren't traveling 6 hours to TG. My MIL lost her goddamned mind. The following year, my BIL and his new wife wanted to go to the beach for TG, and go to my ILs for Christmas. This meant we would see my ILs twice because they were invited to the beach. Her crazy ass lost it again, because even spending it with her isn't enough; it has to be AT HER HOUSE, with her gross ass food. She legit told my husband that one day he would understand why she cared more about spending the holiday with her sibling (twin brother) instead of her kids and grandkids. MH was like, no that's insane, and I will never care more about seeing my brother and sister over my own children. Omg, so much drama.
Anyway, after two years of that in a row (which started 6 years ago), we've been to her house once for TG and I doubt we ever return. With the kids in school, and both of our families living in the same state, it does not make sense to travel for TG and Christmas. So we travel for Christmas to Indiana. Sometimes we travel for TG (like to the beach or my BIL's) but that's because we don't necessarily mind traveling - it's traveling to the same place within a 4-5 week time period and being guilted into trying to see both families, when it's much easier at Christmas because we have more time.
My MIL has regularly said over the years that she doesn't care about Christmas, she hates Christmas, she loves TG. Welp, good. You can get neither then.
tl;dr NO YOU CAN'T CLAIM HOLIDAYS AT YOUR HOUSE FOR INFINITY.
My ILs threw a fit last Thanksgiving because we stayed at my husband sister's house instead of sharing a twin bed at their home and because we "never visit."
It has not convinced us to visit more of to stay with them. Sigh.