Tthat is exactly the account set-up I have with my H. I am in charge of paying the mortgage and he is in charge of other things. When we have a big surplus, we combine in our joint savings or brokerage accounts. Even if his name is technically the only one on the account, I still think that paying off the 30K without her knowledge beforehand is an act of financial infidelity. Plus, it sounds like she would have rather spent it on other necessities. I am totally lol at posters saying it was his own money, it was his fun money. Would you be okay with your H making those kind of decisions without you? I don't think it would make for a comfortable marriage.
There is some seriously weird shit going on here. Time for a very direct come to jesus talk about merging your finances, getting your name on that house and coming up with a TRANSPARENT plan for savings as a family. If you cannot do this between the two of you meet with a fiancial planner or a marriage counselor. But dayum.
Post by thedutchgirl on Sept 7, 2012 12:53:17 GMT -5
It will be really interesting to hear what he says to your request to add yourself to the deed. On the bright side, doing so when the house is paid off eliminates the chance the bank will accelerate the loan for an ownership change.
I think he's going to say no. If he does, OP, I think you guys need a third party to help you sort these issues out.
I understand those of you who are throwing up the red flags. The issue, beyond the mortgage it the overall handling of the finances. There isn't anything else going on though, like I said I can understand why some of you are going there.
We definitely have to talk. I need to get listed on the house.
However he is super cagey about finances. If he still doesn't want to combine, I don't know what other arrangement to come up with besides what we've been doing. I'm not getting divorced over a checking account
Post by picklepie09 on Sept 7, 2012 12:56:16 GMT -5
Sounds to me he paid it in full so when he leaves its his free and clear. Meanwhile you can't prove that you paid money toward it because dude, you aren't even on the damn house. I don't know. it doesn't sound good. Yeah the house is paid off and that is awesome BUT and this is a HUGE BUT... he did that on his own. His thoughts are "this is MY house, I can pay off MY house with MY money" .. RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG
I understand those of you who are throwing up the red flags. The issue, beyond the mortgage it the overall handling of the finances. There isn't anything else going on though, like I said I can understand why some of you are going there.
We definitely have to talk. I need to get listed on the house.
However he is super cagey about finances. If he still doesn't want to combine, I don't know what other arrangement to come up with besides what we've been doing. I'm not getting divorced over a checking account
Its not the checking account. It combined with everything else and what that checking account means.
I have no idea if your H is being shady. But honestly..... I wouldn't be so flippant about your financial arrangement. Many marriages DO end over money.
I understand those of you who are throwing up the red flags. The issue, beyond the mortgage it the overall handling of the finances. There isn't anything else going on though, like I said I can understand why some of you are going there.
We definitely have to talk. I need to get listed on the house.
However he is super cagey about finances. If he still doesn't want to combine, I don't know what other arrangement to come up with besides what we've been doing. I'm not getting divorced over a checking account
And no one wants you to get divorced over a checking account. But we do want you to think about why you are okay with someone who is cagey about his finances and who may not have your SHARED interests as his top priority. I'm just worried.
You seem to consider his account to be joint money, but I get the feeling that he doesn't. He feels like it is his money and he can do what he wants.
This could get messy. Good luck, OP. It's going to take more than one talk to get this straightened out. Consider marriage counseling. There is more than money at stake here.
I would love for DH to tell me he had paid off the house if he got the money legally. He makes all house payments with his retirement money. I payall other stuff with our income. It would have to come from a windfall.
right, yay we own our home free and clear! Mean-fucking-while the kitchen is falling apart and my car is a 1997. There are a LOT of other priorities here. I'm not saying we're done and all we have to worry about is retirement. And if I can't complain about this on MM then I don't know where else I would.
And yet you have hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank. Cry me a fucking river.
Where did she say she has hundreds of thousands in the bank?
Post by EmilieMadison on Sept 7, 2012 13:03:10 GMT -5
Wow, I'm so confused. Here are my questions: 1) What % of your paycheck go towards joint expenses/joint savings to which he has full access? 2) What % of his income goes towards joint expenses/joint savings to which you have full acces? 3) Did he say WHY he essentially lied to you about paying it off? 4) Is he willing to add you to the title of the house?
So, his paycheck gets deposited into HIS account, but your paychecks are deposited in a JOINT account? Where's your "fun money" account with $30k to spend secretly as you wish?
I have never, ever seen someone who is super cagey about finances ever have a legit, above board reason for it. The ONLY time I've seen that happen when it sort of made sense is when the spouse has serious spending issues or a drug habit or something and can't be trusted with any financial stuff or they'll go blow it all.
The good news (maybe ) is that he knows he's uptight and has trust issues when it comes to money. He had some bad experiences when he was younger that relate to the security and trust. We DID fight about this early on and I was incredibly offended that he didn't trust ME. Really now I don't take it personally, but I do think that we would be better off if he gets over it so we can manage things together and more openly.
Post by mrssavy42112 on Sept 7, 2012 13:06:16 GMT -5
Yeah, the separate checking isn’t the problem. It’s how it’s being used, without your knowledge or consent. We have a joint checking & then each an indiv checking. Since he moved into my apt when we got married & I was already responsible for all the bills, he just dumps his part of his paycheck into the joint & then forgets about it. He’s terrible with budgeting, so it’s a good thing. I pay all the bills. Some out of the joint & some out of my checking since I’m too lazy to change the auto-payment. But he knows what all our bills are & when I pay something off. I do have a business checking that he has no access too & another checking that is joint with my mom. She wanted it as an emergency access to money if something ever happened to me. Haven’t used it yet, but nice to know it’s there.
I don’t know if I’d jump to the ‘he’s leaving you’ just yet (although I wouldn’t rule it out), it’s definitely a sign that he doesn’t respect your opinion regarding your joint finances. That’s a problem.
I have never, ever seen someone who is super cagey about finances ever have a legit, above board reason for it. The ONLY time I've seen that happen when it sort of made sense is when the spouse has serious spending issues or a drug habit or something and can't be trusted with any financial stuff or they'll go blow it all.
The good news (maybe ) is that he knows he's uptight and has trust issues when it comes to money. He had some bad experiences when he was younger that relate to the security and trust. We DID fight about this early on and I was incredibly offended that he didn't trust ME. Really now I don't take it personally, but I do think that we would be better off if he gets over it so we can manage things together and more openly.
Agree -- but it doesn't sound like he's going to just 'get over it' without serious work on both of your behalfs. Like counseling.
I have never, ever seen someone who is super cagey about finances ever have a legit, above board reason for it. The ONLY time I've seen that happen when it sort of made sense is when the spouse has serious spending issues or a drug habit or something and can't be trusted with any financial stuff or they'll go blow it all.
The good news (maybe ) is that he knows he's uptight and has trust issues when it comes to money. He had some bad experiences when he was younger that relate to the security and trust. We DID fight about this early on and I was incredibly offended that he didn't trust ME. Really now I don't take it personally, but I do think that we would be better off if he gets over it so we can manage things together and more openly.
You SHOULD take it personally. Your husband is basically saying that he expects to have access to your money, but you can't have access to his and that he doesnt feel the need to keep you in the loop, which includes hiding things from you. You shouldn't just take this personally, you should be mad and upset about it.
Pitterbull -- I think it's great that you realize this is a problem and I like how non-defensive you are being in response to all the overwhelming "WTF?" here. It can be overwhelming to post an OP and get 150+ responses!
Over a checking account? No. But you need to be on that house, and he needs to be willing to come clean with all of the accounts, their balances, how to get into them, etc. FFS, if something happened to him, how could you even manage his estate?
You need access to this information, and he needs to fess up as to why he does not want you to have it.
DH has a small investment (ownership of stocks that is a very small portion of our overall financial picture). We've been married for 6 years, and I am still a little bit bothered that he did not get my name added to that last account (we've both added each other to all other accounts). However, he is an open book about what is in the account, and has never been "cagey" about money, and is at this point purely being lazy about getting the paperwork to make the change.
In your situation, it does not sound to me like you are bothered enough by this situation. It sounds like you pay a disproportionate part of the household bills, while having a history of him not trusting you as a joint partner in financial planning. Has anybody in this thread recommended counseling yet? I think you might need it if you don't want your marriage to end due to lack of trust (not a checking account).
People aren't telling you to divorce him over this. They're saying that it seems like he's setting up his own exit plan... that he might be planning to leave you. Katie Holmes style. So they're just saying that you should keep your eyes open and have a serious talk with him.
IMO, something doesn't seem right. I'm not saying he's got a foot out the door, but something smells rotten. He's made it very clear (by refusing to include you on the account, the house or the decision to spend the money) that it is his money, his account and his house. Not yours. Not one bit.
FWIW, my ex had no idea that I was planning my exit. Everything looked above board until he came home one day and the house was empty. I bought everything in it with my own money, so I took it all when I left. That includes his vehicle. I bought it, my name was on the title, so it was leaving with me. The house was a rental so I just had my name removed from the lease and I was free to walk away... and I did.
Post by dr.girlfriend on Sept 7, 2012 13:15:17 GMT -5
I've been offline all day so can't make it through all 7 pages, but...
1. I'd be pissed 2. I don't think it's as bad as her DH suddenly throwing $30k in there...he's probably been paying it off aggressively for ages without mentioning it 3. I don't get all these bragplaint / I should have such problems / etc. comments. My 15-year mortgage is at 2.75. For a shorter-term mortgage I'm sure it would be even less. He may have cost them a lot in investment earnings by making this unilateral decision, especially when refi was on the table.