H paid off the mortgage???

[Chirp]

Sept 7, 2012 15:20:45 GMT -5 pitterwoo said:

Sept 7, 2012 15:02:08 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Wow to this post. Pitterbull, sorry if this has been asked and/or answered, but - why did he hide this from you? I mean there are obvious things in your financial arrangement that need to change - you need access to all accounts, and you need to keep yourself aware of their status on a regular basis - but this one I can't figure out. Did you ask him why? What was his answer?

no I didn't answer this yet. we talked since my OP this morning, but I'm not exactly looking forward to the pile-on...

basically he said he wasn't feeling ready to take on the kitchen reno and other things just yet and knew I was going to be antsy about getting underway. so he decided not to tell me we no longer have that monthly obligation. we've had a lot going on and if he wasn't financially/physically/emotionally ready to do something I'm sure we could have come up with a compromise. we'll talk more later, that's all I have right now.

[sillygoosegirl]

It sounds like you have never been on the same page about whose money it is, or whose house it is. It sounds like he's been pretty clear about it all along, but you've been looking the other way. At least you had your eyes opened by him paying off the house, not blowing it all on something useless. Though I wonder how many tens of thousands he has been blowing on other things with him only paying the mortgage and you paying the other joint bills.

I would suggest you open an account with only your name on it and deposit your paycheck there until/unless he agrees to add you to his account. If he isn't contributing any of his income to the joint account, neither should you. And don't pay any more than your share of the bills (and "your share" should be going down at this point, now that the mortgage isn't a bill).

His/hers/joint as others have suggested is a fine way to do things, but unless he is willing to contribute to the joint part of that, your only real options are his/hers, or being a doormat.

[MixedBerryJam]

holy shit! this isn't even my house...evidently since he bought the house before marriage he would retain it. I will work on getting added asap. Not that I'm planning on divorce, but uh who is. A little out of it, not dumb [/quote][/i]

It's not even a matter of one of you thinking about screwing the other one over with a divorce ... what if he dropped down dead tomorrow? At least make sure you are each other's beneficiaries and that all your assets are covered in your wills.

[ohgillian]

Sept 7, 2012 15:20:45 GMT -5 pitterwoo said:

Sept 7, 2012 15:02:08 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Wow to this post. Pitterbull, sorry if this has been asked and/or answered, but - why did he hide this from you? I mean there are obvious things in your financial arrangement that need to change - you need access to all accounts, and you need to keep yourself aware of their status on a regular basis - but this one I can't figure out. Did you ask him why? What was his answer?

no I didn't answer this yet. we talked since my OP this morning, but I'm not exactly looking forward to the pile-on...

basically he said he wasn't feeling ready to take on the kitchen reno and other things just yet and knew I was going to be antsy about getting underway. so he decided not to tell me we no longer have that monthly obligation. we've had a lot going on and if he wasn't financially/physically/emotionally ready to do something I'm sure we could have come up with a compromise. we'll talk more later, that's all I have right now.

It sounds like you aren't okay with his response -- and I'm glad.

[sprky79]

Sept 7, 2012 15:20:45 GMT -5 pitterwoo said:

Sept 7, 2012 15:02:08 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Wow to this post. Pitterbull, sorry if this has been asked and/or answered, but - why did he hide this from you? I mean there are obvious things in your financial arrangement that need to change - you need access to all accounts, and you need to keep yourself aware of their status on a regular basis - but this one I can't figure out. Did you ask him why? What was his answer?

no I didn't answer this yet. we talked since my OP this morning, but I'm not exactly looking forward to the pile-on...

basically he said he wasn't feeling ready to take on the kitchen reno and other things just yet and knew I was going to be antsy about getting underway. so he decided not to tell me we no longer have that monthly obligation. we've had a lot going on and if he wasn't financially/physically/emotionally ready to do something I'm sure we could have come up with a compromise. we'll talk more later, that's all I have right now.

This doesn't make the whole thing a lot less weird.

Do you even understand that you need to know where ALL of the money in your marriage lives? How to get at those accounts if you need to? What the paswords are, the logins are, when things might be due, etc? What the tax liabilities could be?

This is about more than just he's hiding money from you. (My instinct is there is more money out there you do not know about). Right now, how would you take care of your husband's financial affiars if he were hit by a bus? How would you even know where to look?

Not to mention that time has come for him to either give you unfettered access to those accounts, get you on the mortgage or explain to you why you somehow do not deserve to be on those accounts. Something is weird here.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry but that's pretty fucked up. He knew that you had the kitchen reno in mind so he made an executive decision and quickly moved the cash? That's like a strategic offensive foul.

[iheartbanjos]

Sept 7, 2012 15:20:45 GMT -5 pitterwoo said:

Sept 7, 2012 15:02:08 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Wow to this post. Pitterbull, sorry if this has been asked and/or answered, but - why did he hide this from you? I mean there are obvious things in your financial arrangement that need to change - you need access to all accounts, and you need to keep yourself aware of their status on a regular basis - but this one I can't figure out. Did you ask him why? What was his answer?

no I didn't answer this yet. we talked since my OP this morning, but I'm not exactly looking forward to the pile-on...

basically he said he wasn't feeling ready to take on the kitchen reno and other things just yet and knew I was going to be antsy about getting underway. so he decided not to tell me we no longer have that monthly obligation. we've had a lot going on and if he wasn't financially/physically/emotionally ready to do something I'm sure we could have come up with a compromise. we'll talk more later, that's all I have right now.

((Hugs)) and I just want to stress my advice, which is on page 1, to sit down and review all your finances and investments. Make sure your name is on everything and that you have access to everything. GL.

[noodleoo]

Pitterbull, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You probably feel like you've been punched in the stomach by this. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.

I'm assuming you asked him about putting your name on the house and weren't happy with the answer. The only thing I can suggest is taking the advice of the ladies on here to protect yourself. I'm sure this thread hasn't been easy for you, but everyone here really is just trying to help you protect yourself. If you need more advice, just ask for it.

I also just want to say that if you told your husband that his behavior is making you feel insecure about your marriage, I really hope his response was to immediately try to reassure you. If not, I'd be careful.

[max88]

This is what I've gather from what you've said so far.

His money is going into an account he refused to give you access to and the account is rarely used to pay the bills. Your money goes into an account that is used to pay the bills the majority of the time, including what was the mortgage payments on a home you have no right to.

So you're paying all the bill and expenses while he's been saving his money to pay off a home that's only his. You really don't see the bigger issue here?

[pitterwoo]

thanks banjo, noodleoo, and others for the supportive comments. We just talked briefly at lunchtime. I'm not sure what my approach is going to be tonight. Probably depends on if I can keep my cool or not and what he says about putting me on the deed. This is not how I wanted to achieve this milestone.

[AAM2012]

((hugs)) Keep your cool. If you don't think you can keep your cool then maybe you should have the conversation in front of a neutral third party (whether it's in therapy or someone else).

I hope you don't think people were bashing you or piling it on, I feel that we're all conerned with your situation and just want to make sure you are protected IF something should happen.

I've heard of people (I think on Suze Ormand and Dr. Phil) who thought they were fine until their SO passed away and suddenly realized they were not the beneficiary of the life insurance policy and their spouse had racked up a lot of CC debt, etc that they would owe. Or like other's have mentioned where SO's just get up suddenly and leave one day.

[cjeanette]

Sept 7, 2012 17:00:53 GMT -5 pitterwoo said:

thanks banjo, noodleoo, and others for the supportive comments. We just talked briefly at lunchtime. I'm not sure what my approach is going to be tonight. Probably depends on if I can keep my cool or not and what he says about putting me on the deed. This is not how I wanted to achieve this milestone.

I hope it all works out.

[thegooser]

I know I'm late to the party but I wanted to offer some advice.

If you know he has issues around money, try to be logical and compassionate. Explain to him that he's doing to you what he hopes nobody does to him ever again.

My husband took a while (about a year) to shift to the married mindset, financially and otherwise. I wonder if your husband wasn't there yet when you established how you two handle money, and this is him on autopilot making money decisions like he always has. I don't really fault him for that, but it's your job to take a stand and say "we're married, this is presumably forever, I need my name on every account and asset, and that's because YOU violated my trust by hiding money from me."

If he refuses, then try yours, his, joint. If he refuses that, get your paycheck deposited into a separate account and divide expenses by percentage of who makes what... and consider the possibility that this really is a red flag situation.

[puppiesandrainbows]

In college I was a nanny for a family in a situation kind of like this.

The home belonged to the husband prior to the marriage. After she (and her two children) moved in, the house did not become theirs. It was still his house, and they were just living there. She was not allowed to hang pictures on the walls. One weekend when he was gone she painted the children's rooms. He lost his shit when he got home. Not surprisingly, they got divorced.

Bottom line OP, there cannot be any "mine and yours" in a marriage (beyond some basic fun money). Your husband does not appear to respect you or see you as an equal in the marriage. I was shocked when I read that he paid it off but simply decided not to tell you about it because he knew what was best for you guys.

You know that you are being mistreated, but are acting like this is a "pick your battles" kind of thing. Deciding to ignore the fact that he folds the towels wrong is picking your battles. Allowing him to financially abuse you is another. You need to go to counseling on your own to find out why you are willing to allow yourself to be treated this way, and address those issues.

[dexteroni]

Sept 7, 2012 16:56:37 GMT -5 max88 said:

This is what I've gather from what you've said so far.

His money is going into an account he refused to give you access to and the account is rarely used to pay the bills. Your money goes into an account that is used to pay the bills the majority of the time, including what was the mortgage payments on a home you have no right to.

So you're paying all the bill and expenses while he's been saving his money to pay off a home that's only his. You really don't see the bigger issue here?

Pitterbull - is this indeed the case? If so, come ON. I can't fathom how you could have let this go for so long.

You mentioned in another comment that your DH has always been super cagey about finances. Why is this? You said he realizes he's like this, but does he realize he needs to change? It's time for you to absolutely insist on full transparency, about everything. No exceptions, no delays. Good luck to you.