Post by sillygoosegirl on Jan 15, 2019 18:28:15 GMT -5
I would have needed a new couch because the old one would have been soaked with blood.
Can whatever arrangement you come to involve some sort of assurance that he will never ever be allowed to drive the kids anywhere under any circumstances?
Post by rupertpenny on Jan 15, 2019 19:53:13 GMT -5
I am so sorry you're going through this. But like everyone else said, you seem to be doing all the right things and I'm sure you will be better off in the long run.
Oh my, I am so sorry downtoearth. You handled it amazingly! Much better than I did when I found out my idiot XH cheated. I'm sure there will be a "crash" for you eventually, but you already have therapy in place and that will be a huge part.
One thing I regret is not telling more people early on and reaching out to others for support. It sounds like you're already doing that, though. Surviving Infidelity may be a really helpful forum for you; in the end, it wasn't quite what I needed, but I saw how much it helped others while I was on the and think it's definitely worth a shot.
Your STBXH is despicable. I can't believe the gall of those two. Treat yourself gently and do what you need to do to keep putting one foot in front of the other, day after day. I know we don't really "know" each other, but add me to the list of people here for you if you need/want.
You might want to ask your counselor to do a PTSD-type of session. My kids saw something very scary and kept replaying it in their head and dreaming about it. A couple sessions and they don't have trouble sleeping or talk about it much anymore.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Jan 15, 2019 20:50:27 GMT -5
Holy shit. The fucking nerve of this guy.
To answer your question - I think it will eventually get easier to coparent, but it’s going to take a lot of time, and allow yourself to be really really angry for a while that you have to figure this out with someone who betrayed you so badly. You are entitled to grieve and be in deep pain, and know that eventually, it will get easier. I’m so sorry he hurt you like this and I’m sorry you have to figure out divorce with kids in the mix instead of being able to ignore the motherfucker forever.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Holy fucking hell. My God, I am so sorry. Not only is that so fucked up, but seriously, in your house with you right there? What the actual fuck. They are stupid and meant for each other.
Post by seeyalater52 on Jan 15, 2019 21:42:44 GMT -5
Oh my gosh downtoearth. I’ve been MIA with crazy work stuff and just saw this. I’m so incredibly sorry your husband did this to you. Wishing you peace in your next steps.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
I missed the story but even without the details I know you're a strong woman and will come through this in the end. It's totally fine to feel lost and angry and sad and everything else as you adjust to your new reality.
I missed the story but even without the details I know you're a strong woman and will come through this in the end. It's totally fine to feel lost and angry and sad and everything else as you adjust to your new reality.
I missed the original story but was reading this thread last night. I couldn’t find the right words to express my feelings. But I agree with aurora. And I am so sorry you had to deal with what I was able to ascertain through others’ responses. No one deserves infidelity or betrayal. (Hugs)
Post by downtoearth on Jan 16, 2019 8:21:09 GMT -5
Sorry I had to remove the details - it was making me nervous since I do tell people IRL about here.
Another day... ugh. Any advice on telling the kids is really appreciated. Going to our first coparenting counseling session tomorrrow and then letting them know. Ugh.
The counselor should be able to suggest ways to tell the kids. My personal advice is to keep the focus on how much you love them and that won’t change.
Again, I’m so sorry at the way your marriage is ending. I’m not terribly sorry that you’ll be rid of this person who doesn’t meet your standards. You deserve so much better than this.
Sorry I had to remove the details - it was making me nervous since I do tell people IRL about here.
Another day... ugh. Any advice on telling the kids is really appreciated. Going to our first coparenting counseling session tomorrrow and then letting them know. Ugh.
Oh, no need to apologize! I totally understand wanting to delete. I just wanted to empathize that I know you're strong from other evidence over the years, not just the details you posted here.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jan 16, 2019 9:59:46 GMT -5
So telling the kids will be hard.
My godmother told me immediately when I was 12 and it was really hard to have a positive relationship with my dad for awhile. Conversely, my husband didn’t find out about his dad cheating on his mom until a few years ago and it was also really hard (and continues to be hard as his dad has not changed his ways).
This doesn’t mean I don’t think that they have the right to know - just that it’s important to weigh how and when they know based on age, and their current relationship with their dad.
There is no right or wrong answer here as long as you reinforce the message that they are loved and that things will be scary and confusing and hard at first, but that you are both committed to working through this with them. I would just approach it from that angle first - Mom and Dad aren’t going to be living together anymore, but we are always going to be your parents and we love you. If they have questions, work out how much you want to share ahead of time, and know that the older kids may press a bit more.
It is not wrong to keep the details from them, nor is it wrong to let them know in an age-appropriate way what happened.
I also don’t think you should try to hide your own grief from them. It’s okay to be sad around them. It’s okay to acknowledge that you’re hurting too.
Post by simpsongal on Jan 16, 2019 11:10:00 GMT -5
I read yesterday and I just wanted to express how sorry I am that you and your kids are going through this. Your strength and poise in this situation is amazing. Truly. It sucks that you have to be the adult, when you've done everything right. If you need a place to vent or just hear a symphony of support and acknowledgment that your STBX is an immature POS, we're all here for you!
Remember to take half of his 401k. Also are you in a state where you can sue Jump Offs??? CAUSE I WOULD.
Unluckily, he doesn't have a 401k, one small retirement fund and a confusing employee owned ESOP payment agreement with his company that we were counting on for his part of the retirement. I'm going to have to learn what they are worth now and what that means for "splitting." Basically I carry most of the retirement savings and might have to give some to him. I was the main earner for 10 of the 13 years married and the 9 years together before that.