This is an example of where I feel like I'm expected to make concessions because I'm childfree. Because we don't have kids, too bad, we're just going to have to suck it up and deal with it.
For those that think I'm overreacting and I should accept it and move on... Would your opinion be the same if the situation instead was that a neighbor was letting their dog defecate in my yard and they didn't clean it up? I know that example is not exactly apples to apples, but more my point is why are certain intrusions OK, but others are not?
And for the record, I'm not butt-hurt by any of these opinions. I'm truly curious since I know I'm coming from a completely different mindset than others.
And I'd let this time go, but if it happens again I'd ask the parents to tell their kids to please not play on our property. If it continued, I'd get motion activated sprinklers.
I have kids and I only let them and their friends play in our yard. My kids are absolutely not allowed to play in any random yard they want, they can only play in yards where they have been invited. We usually don’t have random kids in our yard, but I have kicked one kid off our swing set several times when he would just appear in our backyard and start playing while my kids weren’t out there.
We moved into our house a few years before we had kids. At that point, I told other kids to play in their own yard many times, especially when they were in our fenced backyard. Eventually they mostly learned. The people that lived in our house before us had kids so I think they neighbor kids were just used to playing in our yard with their friend that used to live here. It never occurred to them that they might have to switch hangouts because the new childless couple in the house might not want their yard used by kids anymore. It was also 11-12 year olds using our yard and it didn’t fully resolve itself until those kids grew out of playing outside.
Huh. I guess this is yet another example of #regional. This is 100% not the norm in either neighborhood we've lived in. In my experience, you don't go on your neighbor's property unless invited. Period.
Personally, I'd want to know if my kid was involved so that I could reinforce that rule.
Is there a neighbor that you are closer with that you could maybe talk about this situation? Someone in your neighborhood may have a better idea of the norms than we do.
Oh probably. It also probably varies neighborhood to neighborhood. Since the kids think it's ok to go into other people's yards, it's probably their norm even if it's a new 'hood. The parents have already decided the vibe they want in living there. Could she try and reshape that? Sure. Would that alienate people? Probably.
The parents don't own the neighborhood though - if they want all the neighborhood kids running through their lawns, they are welcome to allow that. They should teach their kids that it's only ok to do that at houses where you know the owners and know they have given permission. If that's the majority of houses in the neighborhood, they have a lot of options without being on OP's property.
I grew up in a neighborhood with a lot of kids and we were very clear on which houses we could play at and which ones were off limits.
No people should be trespassing on my property, period. I really just don't understand how anyone can think this is ok. If you do think it is ok, you are the problem and have taught that kind of disrepect to your children.
Personally, I wouldnt just shrug my shoulders and accept that this is the norm without talking to anyone else. I mean, maybe it is. Or maybe these kids were unsupervised and their parents would be horrified.
If OP has a relationship with any of the neighbors, I think there are ways to bring it up without alienating people. You don't have to go straight to "keep your brats off my property" LOL.
Also, I didn't realize how much we had lucked out in our neighborhoods. It wouldn't really occur to me that this would be the norm some places, or that you could be alienating your neighbors by asking them to not let their kids run through your landscaping.
Huh. I guess this is yet another example of #regional. This is 100% not the norm in either neighborhood we've lived in. In my experience, you don't go on your neighbor's property unless invited. Period.
Personally, I'd want to know if my kid was involved so that I could reinforce that rule.
Is there a neighbor that you are closer with that you could maybe talk about this situation? Someone in your neighborhood may have a better idea of the norms than we do.
Oh probably. It also probably varies neighborhood to neighborhood. Since the kids think it's ok to go into other people's yards, it's probably their norm even if it's a new 'hood. The parents have already decided the vibe they want in living there. Could she try and reshape that? Sure. Would that alienate people? Probably.
If nicely asking that kids don't play in my yard alienates anyone, I think that tells me all I need to know about them.
Nope - you're not an ass. I would simply say next time they are in your front yard and you're home. A simple, "Hey kids, can you please move the play into your own yards? thanks"
Post by Bernadine on Sept 21, 2021 10:36:05 GMT -5
I have kids, and I wouldn’t necessarily mind if other kids were playing in my yard when I wasn’t home. That said, I wouldn’t allow my daughter to just play in a neighbor’s yard, unless she was playing with their kids.
Post by sunshineluv on Sept 21, 2021 10:36:39 GMT -5
Me next door neighbor with no kids, got annoyed when kids walked through her yard as a cut through between friends houses (kids were 6-7 and not my kids). It happened twice and she posted on the Facebook page that she would like kids to stay out of her yard. I don’t know her well, we give the polite neighbor waves to each other… but I do know it got her a reputation of being a “get off my lawn” kind of person in the neighborhood.
And I'd let this time go, but if it happens again I'd ask the parents to tell their kids to please not play on our property. If it continued, I'd get motion activated sprinklers.
This is the expectation of ML escalation that I know and somewhat love. LOL!
I’ve always lived in places with similar sized or even smaller lots and kids have never played on/in/around random people’s yards. It’s really wild that this could possibly be the norm anywhere.
I’d tell the kids not to play on your yard. If it keeps happening, talk to their parents. Your yard isn’t a playground, you don’t have children so there is no reason for them to visit.
I would not go on about the plants. I’d keep it at, I don’t have children and would like your children to play in their own yards or that of their friends. If they press, say you are not comfortable being around children you don’t know, you don’t expect them to be there and won’t supervise them. If they get hurt you aren’t interested in being liable which you would be since they are on your property. This is 100% reasonable.
It’s bizarre that their parents would let them play on strangers who don’t even have kids property. It’s possible they don’t know.
I wouldn’t even mention cameras, I’d say you looked out your window and were shocked there were children there. Catching them in person is key to an easy solution here IMO.
Huh. I guess this is yet another example of #regional. This is 100% not the norm in either neighborhood we've lived in. In my experience, you don't go on your neighbor's property unless invited. Period.
Personally, I'd want to know if my kid was involved so that I could reinforce that rule.
Is there a neighbor that you are closer with that you could maybe talk about this situation? Someone in your neighborhood may have a better idea of the norms than we do.
Oh probably. It also probably varies neighborhood to neighborhood. Since the kids think it's ok to go into other people's yards, it's probably their norm even if it's a new 'hood. The parents have already decided the vibe they want in living there. Could she try and reshape that? Sure. Would that alienate people? Probably.
See, that's fine.. for the families with kids. If they all agree the kids can have free reign of their yards, fine. But there is no reason that a family without kids should be subject to other people's kids playing in their yard. We let our kids play freely with the friends/families we know. If a bunch of random older kids I don't know were in my yard, I'd tell them to move along or go home. I don't want them in my yard either!
It's BS that you just have to accept this as being part of a neighborhood. As a kid, I knew which yards I could play in and which I wasn't supposed to be in. This isn't new.
And I'd let this time go, but if it happens again I'd ask the parents to tell their kids to please not play on our property. If it continued, I'd get motion activated sprinklers.
This is the expectation of ML escalation that I know and somewhat love. LOL!
You should have seen some of the suggestions on my swing dilemma lol
I think this will come as no surprise to anyone, but I do not think you're an asshole. We're in a similar type of neighborhood (older homes, but a lot of families and kids running free) and are the childfree couple.
I do not understand the responses of "Oh get used to it, they're going to run in your yard!" No. That's not necessary. They have their own yards and their friends' yards. Literally, get off my lawn.
I had a similar post a few years ago about the swing in our front yard lol. Luckily now we know the neighbors whose kids like to use the swing so there's an understanding that they're welcome to use it. Random kids? No, stop it.
Same (except now I have a kid) and I haaaaate the unspoken implication that because someone doesn’t have kids they aren’t allowed to object to this sort of thing.
But also, having a kid didn’t change my perspective on this. I’m still miserly and don’t want anyone on my lawn.
If anything not having kids gives you more of a reason. There is literally zero reason for them to be on your property. They aren’t there to see if your kid is home or anything like that. I’d think it would be way harder to get rid of them if you did have a child.
I’m not going to expect a child to be playing in my driveway when I come home in the dark because I don’t have a kid. I don’t want to run them or their toys over. I don’t want to come out and see a kid on my lawn with a broken arm because they tripped over my not kid friendly lawn ornament either. Or have them bother my dogs etc. These children have their own yards and parks exist.
It’s very strange to think parents would want their children to hang out at a childfree couple’s house unsupervised. They don’t all know the OP. The Stranger Danger lesson is problematic but really, having your child hang out alone at a stranger’s house isn’t a great idea. I’m puzzled this has to be spelled out in 2021.
This is an example of where I feel like I'm expected to make concessions because I'm childfree. Because we don't have kids, too bad, we're just going to have to suck it and deal with it.
For those that think I'm overreacting and I should accept it and move on... Would your opinion be the same if the situation instead was that a neighbor was letting their dog defecate in my yard and they didn't clean it up? I know that example is not exactly apples to apples, but more my point is why are certain intrusions OK, but others are not?
And for the record, I'm not butt-hurt by any of these opinions. I'm truly curious since I know I'm coming from a completely different mindset than others.
You absolutely DO NOT have to accept that this is just the way things are because the parents want that vibe. And WTF to anyone who is saying you should be okay with it.
It blows my mind that there are families that let their kids just run all over other peoples property without permission. I'm not talking about families that are friends and live next door and the kids run back and forth between their houses...I'm talking letting them just run and play in anyone's yard and driveway just because they're kids and "they aren't hurting anything".
Oh probably. It also probably varies neighborhood to neighborhood. Since the kids think it's ok to go into other people's yards, it's probably their norm even if it's a new 'hood. The parents have already decided the vibe they want in living there. Could she try and reshape that? Sure. Would that alienate people? Probably.
See, that's fine.. for the families with kids. If they all agree the kids can have free reign of their yards, fine. But there is no reason that a family without kids should be subject to other people's kids playing in their yard. We let our kids play freely with the friends/families we know. If a bunch of random older kids I don't know were in my yard, I'd tell them to move along or go home. I don't want them in my yard either!
It's BS that you just have to accept this as being part of a neighborhood. As a kid, I knew which yards I could play in and which I wasn't supposed to be in. This isn't new.
Nowhere did I say she had to accept it. LOL! I'm just saying that she'll probably alienate people. Which is fine.
I'm not sure having children is really a criterion of importance here. Nobody should be in/on your yard without your permission/invitation; the people who feel otherwise can enjoy sharing their yards among themselves. If they're offended by your boundaries, so be it; some neighbors become friends, some don't.
I say this as someone whose neighbors regularly use her front yard as a cut-through. At one point, the neighborhood kids (and sometimes, their parents!) used my newly paved driveway for skateboarding and whatnot without my permission. They stopped after went out one day and asked what they were up to, so I hope that part is a thing of the past.
Anyway, I really wish I had established more boundaries earlier. My H is passive and conflict averse, and he was adamant we not do it, lest we make waves. Now, years later, we both joke that it would have been fine, because the entitled neighbors who think they can do whatever they want on our property were never going to be friendly with us anyway. There was nothing to lose by saying, "We prefer you not use our front yard as a cut through," or, "We prefer you not bring your dog over to pee and poop on our lawn," etc.
Post by starburst604 on Sept 21, 2021 10:47:28 GMT -5
Only an "asshole" if you say something now. I put asshole in quotes because it isn't wrong for you to not want them in your yard, but you might get labeled one among your new neighbors if you talk to the parents about this one time. These kids may never end up in your yard again. If they do, then handle it how you'd like but I'd just be friendly about it. If you catch them in the act just tell them then, most kids don't like feeling scolded and they'll remember not to come back. We have neighbor kids in our driveway and yard all the time and when I was trying to regrow a patch of grass I wasn't shy about telling them they were NOT allowed on the grass right now. I also have to continuously remind them not to leave scooters and other crap in my driveway!
Post by jillybean222 on Sept 21, 2021 10:47:59 GMT -5
I have kids and wouldn't want other neighborhood kids running around in and potentially damaging my yard! If they were with my kids I would politely tell them to be careful but in your situation they are trespassing so I don't think you're being unreasonable!
I don’t see anyone saying she has to accept the kids being in her yard?
She described the situation, says she doesn’t want to be “that neighbor” and then asks how people would handle it.
Lots of people said they wouldn’t do anything right now, but would say something if it escalates.
If someone came up to me and said my kid was in their yard and they didn’t like it I would probably apologize, and then ask if there was damage or whatever. If the neighbor said there was no damage but they were reviewing their cameras and saw my kid walking through I would definitely have some thoughts about that. I would of course be polite, apologize and tell my kid to never go in their yard again - but they would become “that neighbor” in my mind.
That’s what the OP asked about. It doesn’t mean she’s wrong for not wanting kids in her yard. It’s her property! But if this is the incident she chooses to scold kids about then I do think she will become “that person” which she is trying to avoid.
We had this problem where the neighbor boys were playing basketball in our driveway when we had a baby. The kids were obnoxious 1. Because they already had a hoop on their own property and 2. It was a joke where they would scatter when we came in and out of the driveway and pretend they weren't doing it but we all knew they were. We had let it go on for a while before addressing it.
I mentioned to the kids that they should finish up their game because baby was sleeping. They never did it again after that because I spoke to them about it.
Did it cause a problem with their parents, yes it did. But not because they were playing on our property. It was because the parents were jerks all the time, and had had multiple interactions with law enforcement. They had underage parties for their kids where they gave the teenagers alcohol and let them drive. So yeah that is why we don't like each other because they are awful people, and we are fine with them not liking us. They've also had issues with their other neighbors. ETA- we had to be fine with alienated these neighbors, and also it was a safety issue for us entering and leaving our driveway if they were always there.
I don’t see anyone saying she has to accept the kids being in her yard?
She described the situation, says she doesn’t want to be “that neighbor” and then asks how people would handle it.
Lots of people said they wouldn’t do anything right now, but would say something if it escalates.
If someone came up to me and said my kid was in their yard and they didn’t like it I would probably apologize, and then ask if there was damage or whatever. If the neighbor said there was no damage but they were reviewing their cameras and saw my kid walking through I would definitely have some thoughts about that. I would of course be polite, apologize and tell my kid to never go in their yard again - but they would become “that neighbor” in my mind.
That’s what the OP asked about. It doesn’t mean she’s wrong for not wanting kids in her yard. It’s her property! But if this is the incident she chooses to scold kids about then I do think she will become “that person” which she is trying to avoid.
No, no reasonableness allowed. Time to burn it down!
I think you're going to have to adjust your expectations a bit. Yes, you have a reasonable right to not having kids play in your yard. But, the reality is that kids are going to come there and if you make a big deal about it you'll alienate your neighbors, and the kids will play there more. I'd reserve saying something to if the kids actually damage something.
This is exactly my concern, thanks for the perspective.
You can absolutely not allow this without alienating your neighbors. There is no reason for these children to be on your property at all even if it was all dirt, had a pool, or a swing set. Your yard isn’t community property or a public park.
If they find it unreasonable that you don’t want to be (legally!) responsible for their unsupervised children then they are really not people you need to be friends with anyway. It’s an incredibly reasonable request.
I’d put it 100% on the kids being unsupervised and not watching them/wanting to be liable and ignore the yard care issue. They don’t care about your yard but hopefully they care about their children.
Would your opinion be the same if the situation instead was that a neighbor was letting their dog defecate in my yard and they didn't clean it up? I know that example is not exactly apples to apples, but more my point is why are certain intrusions OK, but others are not?
More dog owners expect you to put up with their dogs in your yard than parents expect you to put up with their children in your yard. Even for dog poop.
I'm actually really surprised by the responses that are saying to just let it go. This is my house, and my yard that I pay for and maintain, I don't want kids that aren't traipsing through it, or worse, playing on my property and getting injured and then I'm liable. No thank you. Get off my lawn.
FWIW, all of my neighbors and their kids know to stay off of my lawn and I haven't alienated everyone.
I don't remember if I posted about this here before or not. But several months ago back in the Spring I was home alone on a Saturday afternoon, no H and no kids. I hear my dogs barking out the front window, but ignore it at first because they bark when the wind blows. After a minute I look out and see a kid playing basketball at our net (it's on the curb and you have to stand in the street to use it). I didn't recognize the kid and asked him to please leave. A short while later, a grown man knocks on my door and says "we're at a party down the street, can he (waves to child I told to leave) use your basketball net to occupy some of his time?" Um, no. It is not my responsibility just because I live in a neighborhood to allow some strange child to use our stuff and play on my property. Maybe that makes me a curmudgeon but I don't really care.