New Neighborhood Dilemma - Am I the A$$hole?

[Deleted]

Help, I'm not sure how to handle this. FYI: we don't have kids, which may be why I'm struggling with the best way to address it (or let it go altogether).

Background: We moved into the neighborhood about 4 months ago. All are new single-family homes, each with about a 1/4 acre lot. There are lots of kids and the average age on our street is about 11-12 y/o, and we knew this moving in. We have met some of the parents on our street, but not all. Last week we had an extensive amount of landscaping done in the flower beds that are in the front yard (up against the front porch, not near the street) and on the sides of the house (not near the property line, but rather up against the house) - there is still plenty of yard between the beds and street/property lines. Numerous new perennials, shrubs and ornamental trees were added to the beds.

We were out to dinner with friends on Saturday and got several (10+) notifications on our phones that the security cameras picked up activity in our driveway and front yard. Several kids (about 5 we knew since they're neighbors - maybe 8 in total) were playing with nerf guns in our yard and driveway. Our cars were in the garage, but 2 of our friends' cars were in our driveway.

I don't want to be "that person" and I sometimes question my reaction to things like this since we don't have kids. I just don't want them running through my new flower beds or in between our friends cars that are in our driveway. 

By the time we got home it was late and we decided to let it go (it's the 1st time that I know of and nothing was damaged), but if it happens again or becomes a regular occurrence (and I'm home), I plan to go out and ask them to avoid our flower beds and the cars. In reality, I would really prefer they just not come on our property at all - they all have yards so I don't understand how it is they end up in our yard. I don't even know if it's realistic to have that kind of expectation. For all I know they're running through the flower beds of their own yards, too.

We have dumped a lot of money on our yard and I'll be really pissed if I can't salvage anything that gets damaged. I would only say something to a parent if it continues to happen after I've asked them to try to be careful. 

Am I being un/reasonable? How do I best approach this?

We really love our neighborhood. We plan to stay here for the next 15 years until we retire, and I don't want to create a situation where we are the neighborhood pariahs. At the same time, why should I have to tiptoe around others to avoid conflict?

[Deleted]

You're not the asshole. It's fair to not want kids playing on your property. Additionally, I think if they got hurt you could be liable since it's your property.

If you know how to contact the parents you could send them a friendly message that you would like for the kids to not be on your property when you aren't home.

[noodleoo]

The next time the kids are outside, I would just tell them to not play on your property. If they do it after that, I'd talk to the parents. My kids are little (3 and 6) but they are only allowed to play in our yard and their friends yards. I plan for that rule to stay in place even when they are older. And if a neighbor complained about them playing on their property, the kids would get a talking to from me. I would not be upset with you, you have every right to have a kid free yard!

[lemoncupcake]

We’re the kids actually in your flower beds? Or just the grass?

I think you’d be unreasonable to go on and on to the parents about the value of your landscaping if the kids aren’t damaging (or getting close to damaging) it.

[pixy0stix]

I think you're going to have to adjust your expectations a bit. Yes, you have a reasonable right to not having kids play in your yard. But, the reality is that kids are going to come there and if you make a big deal about it you'll alienate your neighbors, and the kids will play there more. I'd reserve saying something to if the kids actually damage something.

[Deleted]

I have kids and I don't think you're overreacting. There is zero reason they should be in your yard, and I'd be mortified if I found out my kids were doing that.

[pixy0stix]

I look forward to seeing where this thread evolves after 10 pages.

[af1212]

If not for the cameras, would you have any idea they were playing in your yard? If not then I would say/do nothing.

If you can see footprints or evidence in your garden then I would say something like - please don’t go in my garden - next time you see the kids.

[Deleted]

I have a kid and do not want anyone in my yard that I didn't invite there.

OP doesn't need to allow the kids to run rampant on her property.

It'd be one thing if they had to walk over to retrieve a toy but she doesn't have to tolerate what she described if she doesn't want it.

[Deleted]

Sept 21, 2021 10:08:46 GMT -5 lemoncupcake said:

We’re the kids actually in your flower beds? Or just the grass?

I think you’d be unreasonable to go on and on to the parents about the value of your landscaping if the kids aren’t damaging (or getting close to damaging) it.

If it were just the grass, I would not even care. It's the beds that's my concern - and yes, we can see 3 of them running between the bushes in the front bed.

I would never say to any parent what I spent on the work that was done. I brought it up on the post only as background info. Any conversation I would have w/ a parent would be limited to me requesting the kids not to get in the beds or play around the cars.

[Deleted]

Sept 21, 2021 10:09:20 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

I think you're going to have to adjust your expectations a bit. Yes, you have a reasonable right to not having kids play in your yard. But, the reality is that kids are going to come there and if you make a big deal about it you'll alienate your neighbors, and the kids will play there more. I'd reserve saying something to if the kids actually damage something.

This is exactly my concern, thanks for the perspective.

[felicity]

I would ask the kids to take the game elsewhere. I wouldn't just tell them to avoid the flower beds, because then they'll think they have permission to come in your yard to play which really isn't okay, and I doubt they will remember to tell all their friends to be super careful of the flowers and it will get forgotten once they get into the game. If they don't stop, there isn't anything wrong with letting the parents know exactly what you said here - that you're worried about your new flower beds and visitor's cars. If these people think you're the asshole, then they probably aren't people you want to be friends with anyway. Everyone my kid plays with always just stays in their own yard, unless like a stray ball runs over into the neighbors or something, which sounds like that wasn't what was going on here.

[dcn]

I don’t think you are an asshole. I expect my kids to be respectful of other people’s property, and that includes not playing in someone else’s yard without permission. Just running through or retrieving a nerf dart or ball is fine but I would not want kids playing in my yard or driveway if I wasn’t aware.

[pandorica]

I have a kid and would be fine with her friends playing in our yard. We also live on about 1/4 acre in a neighborhood. However, just random kids? No, go do that in your own yard! I think it's normal/well within your right not to have random people running around on your property.

[icedcoffee]

I would wait for it to happen again because it might have been a one off and if it does I think it's ok to approach the parents and ask them to have the kids play somewhere else.

[af1212]

I do have kids, and still sometimes get annoyed by kids 🤣. The noise of basketball drives me batty - sometimes they’re loudly playing when I wish it was quiet, etc.

Whenever I find myself annoyed by these things I remind myself that I really enjoy living in a neighborhood. I like having neighbors to say hi to. I like seeing different yards and how people do their gardens. I like it that if I needed help or had an emergency someone would be there to help.

These things go hand in hand. Living near people which I enjoy, means that they will do things that annoy me.

Idk if that would help you at all but I assume there are things you love about living in dense-ish area so hopefully they can help you look past the annoyances.

[Deleted]

Sept 21, 2021 10:11:06 GMT -5 af1212 said:

If not for the cameras, would you have any idea they were playing in your yard? If not then I would say/do nothing.

If you can see footprints or evidence in your garden then I would say something like - please don’t go in my garden - next time you see the kids.

I don't agree that this should matter. Had there been no cameras, are you saying that I should just accept that there could be damage from others and I'm SOL? 

Look, accidents happen, I get that. I'm not going to bitch about something that's a one-off.

[jinkies]

Sept 21, 2021 10:09:20 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

But, the reality is that kids are going to come there and if you make a big deal about it you'll alienate your neighbors, and the kids will play there more.

Huh. I guess this is yet another example of #regional. This is 100% not the norm in either neighborhood we've lived in. In my experience, you don't go on your neighbor's property unless invited. Period.

Personally, I'd want to know if my kid was involved so that I could reinforce that rule.

Is there a neighbor that you are closer with that you could maybe talk about this situation? Someone in your neighborhood may have a better idea of the norms than we do.

[Deleted]

Sept 21, 2021 10:17:30 GMT -5 af1212 said:

I do have kids, and still sometimes get annoyed by kids 🤣. The noise of basketball drives me batty - sometimes they’re loudly playing when I wish it was quiet, etc.

Whenever I find myself annoyed by these things I remind myself that I really enjoy living in a neighborhood. I like having neighbors to say hi to. I like seeing different yards and how people do their gardens. I like it that if I needed help or had an emergency someone would be there to help.

These things go hand in hand. Living near people which I enjoy, means that they will do things that annoy me.

Idk if that would help you at all but I assume there are things you love about living in dense-ish area so hopefully they can help you look past the annoyances.

Exactly, that why I caught myself and really started questioning how I (or do I) want to handle it.

[af1212]

Sept 21, 2021 10:22:29 GMT -5 @psugrad said:

Sept 21, 2021 10:11:06 GMT -5 af1212 said:

If not for the cameras, would you have any idea they were playing in your yard? If not then I would say/do nothing.

If you can see footprints or evidence in your garden then I would say something like - please don’t go in my garden - next time you see the kids.

I don't agree that this should matter. Had there been no cameras, are you saying that I should just accept that there could be damage from others and I'm SOL? 

Look, accidents happen, I get that. I'm not going to bitch about something that's a one-off.

No. I’m saying if there is no damage/no evidence that they were even there and it is a one time thing (so far) I personally wouldn’t say anything. I wouod take a wait and see approach - again just my personal approach.

If there was evidence I would bring it up.

[Captain Catnip]

I have no kids. I live in a similar neighborhood layout wise. Stay out of my yard. You have your own. I don't want to be liable if something happens. I don't want people in my yard. I didn't buy a park.

[TR]

I think this will come as no surprise to anyone, but I do not think you're an asshole. We're in a similar type of neighborhood (older homes, but a lot of families and kids running free) and are the childfree couple.

I do not understand the responses of "Oh get used to it, they're going to run in your yard!" No. That's not necessary. They have their own yards and their friends' yards. Literally, get off my lawn.

I had a similar post a few years ago about the swing in our front yard lol. Luckily now we know the neighbors whose kids like to use the swing so there's an understanding that they're welcome to use it. Random kids? No, stop it.

[pixy0stix]

Sept 21, 2021 10:23:46 GMT -5 jinkies said:

Sept 21, 2021 10:09:20 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

But, the reality is that kids are going to come there and if you make a big deal about it you'll alienate your neighbors, and the kids will play there more.

Huh. I guess this is yet another example of #regional. This is 100% not the norm in either neighborhood we've lived in. In my experience, you don't go on your neighbor's property unless invited. Period.

Personally, I'd want to know if my kid was involved so that I could reinforce that rule.

Is there a neighbor that you are closer with that you could maybe talk about this situation? Someone in your neighborhood may have a better idea of the norms than we do.

Oh probably. It also probably varies neighborhood to neighborhood. Since the kids think it's ok to go into other people's yards, it's probably their norm even if it's a new 'hood. The parents have already decided the vibe they want in living there. Could she try and reshape that? Sure. Would that alienate people? Probably.

[seeyalater52]

Sept 21, 2021 10:26:14 GMT -5 TR said:

I think this will come as no surprise to anyone, but I do not think you're an asshole. We're in a similar type of neighborhood (older homes, but a lot of families and kids running free) and are the childfree couple.

I do not understand the responses of "Oh get used to it, they're going to run in your yard!" No. That's not necessary. They have their own yards and their friends' yards. Literally, get off my lawn.

I had a similar post a few years ago about the swing in our front yard lol. Luckily now we know the neighbors whose kids like to use the swing so there's an understanding that they're welcome to use it. Random kids? No, stop it.

Same (except now I have a kid) and I haaaaate the unspoken implication that because someone doesn’t have kids they aren’t allowed to object to this sort of thing.

But also, having a kid didn’t change my perspective on this. I’m still miserly and don’t want anyone on my lawn.

[tacokick]

I’ve always lived in places with similar sized or even smaller lots and kids have never played on/in/around random people’s yards. It’s really wild that this could possibly be the norm anywhere.

I’d tell the kids not to play on your yard. If it keeps happening, talk to their parents. Your yard isn’t a playground, you don’t have children so there is no reason for them to visit.

I would not go on about the plants. I’d keep it at, I don’t have children and would like your children to play in their own yards or that of their friends. If they press, say you are not comfortable being around children you don’t know, you don’t expect them to be there and won’t supervise them. If they get hurt you aren’t interested in being liable which you would be since they are on your property. This is 100% reasonable.

It’s bizarre that their parents would let them play on strangers who don’t even have kids property. It’s possible they don’t know.

I wouldn’t even mention cameras, I’d say you looked out your window and were shocked there were children there. Catching them in person is key to an easy solution here IMO.

[wildrice]

I think you have every right to expect that children are not playing on your property. I don't think it matters that they haven't damaged anything yet - what happens once they do? It is your property, not theirs. Isn't this where the phrase "get off my lawn" comes from? Lol.

That said I guess I'd wait and see if it happens again or if it was a one off thing. If it happened one time, I wouldn't care to make trouble over it, but if it becomes a pattern it's probably only a matter of time before it becomes a problem. I would say I am generally extremely laid back about things, but I would not want adults hanging around on my property without me either. I don't think that's unreasonable.

[tamarindy]

It's your property. They shouldn't be on your property without permission, regardless of your landscape status. Aside from any potential damage there's liability, etc, and just the mere fact that you don't want them there.

I am also childfree and my husband wouldn't hesitate to tell anyone neighborhood kid (nicely) to play in their own yard. It's just common courtesy to stay off other's property if not invited, IMO.

[TR]

Oh I don't mind alienating people so that would not be not a concern for me lol.

[ssmjlm]

We had a similar issue and have a kid, but she's not into nerf guns. The problem for us was we ended up with a ton of the little nerf dart things in our yard that then got sucked up by the mower. So it basically became a littering issue. So we just politely asked them not to play in our yard because they didn't pick up after themselves. The mom was fine with it.

[ECB]

A few thoughts:

First - for this one event, I would let it go. It may really have been a "one off" where they ended up in your driveway. The fact that there were cars parked in the driveway may have been a factor - objects to hide behind. So, unless it becomes a regular thing, I'd let it go.

Second - if it does become a regular thing, then yes, I'd try to catch the kids and talk to them directly and simply say "please don't play on my property". Totally valid request. If you can't/ if other issues arise, then go to the parents. But at 11/12, they are old enough to be told directly to not play there.

Unless you see that your flower beds have actually been tampered with, I would not mention this to ANYONE. If the kids are little jerks, it would be like placing a target on your flower beds, and even if they aren't jerks - there is just something about your talking about the flowers and the cost of it that I don't think would go over well.

My own anecdote - we have a large group of kids (including DS) that range from 9 - 12. They love to play football in our one neighbors front yard (one of the kids (Adam) lives there), but it often extends into their neighbors front yard, where the house sat unoccupied for a long time so the kids got used to plyaing there. It's since been updated, nice flower beds put in, and neighbors moved in. Adams mom went and talked to them and they were MORE than happy for the kids to play in their yard - luckily ( say this because of they layout of the yards - Adams yard has a big tree in it and would be hard to play around, the neighbors yard is open and clear of trees). but if they hadn't, all the parents would have told their kids to not play there.

However, in all this, and these kids being young, etc. - never have any of the flower beds in either yard been affected. My point - kids playing in your yard doesn't mean they'll go near the flower beds. Or if they ever do, it will really be by accident and not a common occurrence. MOST kids know not to play in flower bed and will be respectful of that.

Which is why I caution you about your focus on the flower beds. Even if ONE TIME some kid runs into them, or what have you, it may be an accident. But - if there ever appears to actually be a running issue, of course speak up, of course talk to the parents.

But I think some of this is kind of a "sit back" and see what happens. knowing how my son and his friends play, this one event may have been a one-off.