I second what another poster said-please use us for support. I can’t even explain how helpful this group of women have been to me over decades.
I’m so sorry, it’s so much to process. And I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and expressing that you don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.
ETA: if it possible, I’d search for the Gottman certification if you still seek a therapist. And continue to seek one even if it’s just for you.
Oh no, starburst604. I’m so sorry. That sounds so unnecessarily cruel. I hope you are able to get some space and support in person. It’s so shitty especially after the new house. I’m sure your head is spinning right now. Sending you a virtual hug!
Post by longtimenopost on Jan 27, 2024 16:37:28 GMT -5
I'm so sorry this is happening. I thought about sending a PM, but after leaning on you all for support when it happened to me, I'm going to share out loud. We are 2 years out from major crisis in our marriage. My husband wasn't happy, he wanted to separate, and yes he had been having an affair with a coworker for 2 months. Similar to what you shared, I knew we weren't at our best, but had no idea he'd been so unhappy. We had previously been to counseling in our 13 year marriage, so I was blindsided when he just blew it up.
The short version is, he moved out for 2 months and lived in an apartment and ultimately this saved our marriage. Lots of individual therapy for both of us, couples therapy together, and a very expensive psychiatrist for him that finally led to diagnosis and proper treatment of bipolar disorder and ADHD. We celebrated 15 years in December and I do believe our marriage is more honest and stronger in many ways than it was before.
The long version is novel-worthy, but I'll respond specifically to what you've shared and feel free to ask anything else. I was devastated, and didn't respond at all how I thought I would. Despite knowing my worth and imagining myself as someone who would never allow myself to be treated poorly, I focused solely on wanting him to choose me. It took a long time for me to just focus on personal healing. Only grace for my past self, but I still cringe when I think about it sometimes. He did move out, so we didn't have the option of keeping it totally quiet, but we also didn't blast to the world. Close friends and family knew, but that's it. Our girls also knew but surprisingly didn't have much trouble with it. I'll have to search my brain to find the exact wording, but I'm sure you're probably already scouring the internet. It was your basic "Mommy and Daddy love you so much and you did nothing wrong. We have some things to work on with our personal selves right now so Daddy is moving to live in an apartment." 2 years later, I don't think they remember that time (they were 7 and 9). They do NOT know about the affair or that he wanted a divorce.
Don't want this to get too long but bottom line takeaways right now: 1) Space is one thing but do not make any major decisions too quickly. 2) You cannot control him or his motivation to do anything. If you want to have any chance of a healthy marriage, he has to fall or fly on his own. (I only say this because you mentioned making counseling appointments in the past for him.) 3) You and your daughter will be okay with or without him.
The more I think about the more infuriated I am that he went through with the new house if this was in the back of his brain.
I'm not sure where you're at right now or if its helpful, but much like longtimenopost, me and DH went through a separation years ago (before kids). I was the one who said I had been unhappy and left, but DH urged me to try counseling (both marriage and individual for me) and it was a game changer. Through individual therapy I realized I was unhappy with life in general and leaving my marriage seemed like the easiest way to shake things up. Through marriage therapy we were able to voice and work through the little things that had become big things. We worked through it and have a really strong marriage now.
You are a strong woman and I know however this shakes out you and your DD will be ok. Thinking of you.
What an asshole! starburst604, I'm so sorry. You must be reeling.
This might be crazy, but I'm local and home alone with my girls (9 and 6) tonight if you - or you and your DD - want to come hang out with us. Sounds like you might see your cousin, but if that doesn't pan out and you're not ready for real-life friends to know, I'm here for you. We were supposed to go see a local performance of Grease, but I waited too long to buy tickets, so I think they're going to watch the movie.
Post by starburst604 on Jan 27, 2024 18:28:44 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and for the pats on the back. Pilsy thank you so much for your kind offer, I may take you up on that one of these days. I ended up not going to my cousin’s. She’s an hour away and I’m exhausted from sleeping like shit last night and crying. But we did talk on the phone for a while which helped. Shes always got my back. This afternoon he came up to our bedroom and said “I don’t want to lose all of this, what do you think, can we work on this?” I replied, you don’t want to lose all of this, (gesturing to the house in general), or me? He said you. But it was weak. So weak. He’s been holed up in the basement since. Fortunately there’s plenty of room here to have space. I’m going to encourage him to stay at his mom’s and hopefully we can find counseling quickly and see what the right next step is. I do have a therapist but haven’t seen her in a year. I’m going to reach out and hope she can see me soon.
I just can’t stop replaying the things he said today. He’s said them before when angry drunk but it’s the first time he’s said them totally sober. Attacking my character and rewriting the narrative of my life. But I’m pretty secure in who I am and he’s just trying to make me the bad guy for some reason. He has things to work on that aren’t about me and I know that, and maybe there’s more than that going on. Whether he can get it together in time to save our marriage, I don’t know. But I’ve risen from the ashes more than once and I know what I’m capable of. I think he does too and it’s always made him insecure deep down.
I’m sorry, this is such a shitty place to be. My H did something similar many years ago. HE was going through something and it took some time for him to figure out that without me, he’d still be the same person, going through those same things. As a PP said, it was easier to make me the issue rather than face his own challenges. It worked out for us, with some work, and takes work every single day. I’m not telling you what to do or blowing smoke, just giving a perspective.
I am so sorry, he had no right to treat you that way. You clearly have a great support network, both IRL and virtual, and I hope you lean on them as much as you need to.
Post by ellipses84 on Jan 27, 2024 21:56:40 GMT -5
I’m sorry. ((Hugs)) Even before seeing your updates I was going to say it pisses me off when men blindside women like this and say they’ve been unhappy for years because in so many cases they’ve done absolutely nothing to fix it. Like, they don’t arrange for therapy or couples counseling but still commit to more things like buying a new house or having a baby. It’s one thing to acknowledge there are problems in a marriage both people need to work on, or that people mature and grow apart, but please do not accept him blaming you for HIS unhappiness. I hope he’s willing to do the work he needs to do, to take accountability for his own emotions, and I wish it all works out for the best for you (whatever that ends up as I promise it will work out for you).
The updates have me so mad on your behalf! I dealt with something similar and I really think my ex said all these horrible things because if I walked away then it wouldn’t be on him nor his decision to end our marriage and he’d feel less guilt. When in reality he was having an affair and it came down to the fact that I wasn’t her.
Your strength, especially in who you are and knowing your value, is already showing. I know this is hard; we’re here for you. ((hugs))
PDQ Do you think he truly means the nasty things he said? My husband has said some cruel things to me earlier on in our relationship (like in our 20s), and he would say them to hurt me out of anger. I couldn’t live like that and he got on meds for some mental health issues and was in therapy for a long time and he’s very much a changed man and we have a strong and mostly happy marriage now. That said, I stuck around because I was naive 20something. I wouldn’t stick around now at 41 with kids because it is so hurtful and damaging.
I’m so angry at your H! Go throw another fridge out the window, you douche!
Post by starburst604 on Jan 28, 2024 6:29:30 GMT -5
lo I don’t know if he means it, but he said them like it was something he had been thinking to himself. I don’t personally believe that we have no chemistry and nothing in common, not at all. We always have fun together if we have a date night or time away without DD. I know he places high value on sex as a marker of happiness in our marriage and yes, that’s been slow but not non-existent. When I try to explain that perimenopause is doing a number on me there, he just calls it “excuses”. Also, our dynamic has long been very much me taking care of everything and often getting irritated by his lack of pitching in. When I’m tired and feeling overworked, of course I don’t want to jump his bones. That part is multifaceted for sure. His love language is touch and affection and mine is acts of service and neither of us is getting what we want at the moment. He also has ADHD and badly needs meds but is just dragging his feet on making the appointment for no other reason than procrastination, which irritates the crap out of me. I could go on and on but yeah, we need a therapist to dive into all of this with.
Post by wanderingback on Jan 28, 2024 7:21:18 GMT -5
starburst604 he can duck right off with saying perimenopause is an excuse. Wtf, that’s so messed up. Sorry I can’t remember if you said it, but are you in therapy yourself?
Post by cricketwife on Jan 28, 2024 7:59:19 GMT -5
I’m not quite sure how to lend support (I haven’t been through this) but I’m always happy to listen and I hope you will keep posting for support. I’m so very sorry you are in this situation and I wish you strength as you sort out how you want to navigate this.
Post by starburst604 on Jan 28, 2024 8:55:48 GMT -5
Last night DD asked if we could all play cards so we did. He had taken a bunch of edibles and was all giggly and mouthing to me that he loved me. I just kept my focus on DD and the card game and then went to bed when she did. I should add that when we were arguing on Friday night, she was in bed but ended up hearing some things and came down to see me sobbing, which was alarming for her because I almost never cry. Boy am I making up for that this weekend. She started crying and asking if we were going to get a divorce and we just tried to reassure her that we weren’t. This was really triggering for me with trauma from incidents with my parents leading up to their divorce when I was just a little older than her.
I’m sitting in the parking lot of the studio where I teach kickboxing, trying to pull myself together to teach my class. I know the activity will be good for me too. On the drive down I rehearsed what I want to say to him this afternoon. DD has a friend coming over around noon so we should be able to talk then. I’m going to ask him to move to his mom’s if she is ok with that (she is in FL for the winter so her local home is empty). We will discuss what we want to say to DD, that dad is going to be sleeping at Grammy’s because we both have some things we need to work out and living apart for right now will help. That she will still see daddy all the time and can sleep over anytime she wants to. She is a big daddy’s girl and this is going to be hard on her. Him too, I don’t know how he will handle possibly not seeing her every day. I’m going to suggest we add more afternoon extended day at school and ask him to commit to being home to get her off the bus one day a week and I’ll be there my WFH day. I have my review at work next week and I’m going to be frank with the 2 doctors I’ll be meeting with about it. I know they’ll be compassionate, we are practically family I’ve worked there so long. I think we should tell only who is necessary for now, just our inner circle of family and friends.
That’s what I’ve got for now. I’ll update after we talk.
We aren't into edibles, so that could be coloring my opinion, but if my H pulled this shit and then had the nerve to get high and act the fool, I think I'd have to walk away for fear of becoming violent.
It's a good day for kickboxing. I pity the bags! OP, you are a force.