Post by sofamonkey on Jan 28, 2024 10:22:44 GMT -5
Honestly, I think he had a chance to evaluate what he said and what the repercussions are and he’s scared. He had a chance to see what thing a will be like and doesn’t want to deal with it. In the next few days/weeks/months, I’d be prepared for love bombimg and whatever other bullshit he’s going to pull in th at same vein, because he’s a coward.
No matter what happens with you two, words have meanings. He needs to figure out whatever precipitated them and deal with that. I think y’all having some space is a very good thing. What you have planned to tell your DD is great - it’s honest and super genuine.
Post by longtimenopost on Jan 28, 2024 10:29:04 GMT -5
Good for you for holding your ground and not just forgiving and forgetting after his 180. He started it, he needs to see it through. Resist the urge to set appointments for him, other than marriage counseling for both of you. You both need to see him do his own work if you want any hope of a healthy partnership in the future.
Omg I want to junk punch him for minimizing perimenopause as an “excuse”. That’s such bullshit. I sent my H a podcast I listened to about peri because men should know all the shit women have to deal with so they can offer support and be compassionate, not selfish assholes!
Good luck with your talk today. You are strong and deserve better. And we’re here for you when you need it.
Post by icedcoffee on Jan 28, 2024 12:49:13 GMT -5
Fuck this man! Definitely put 50% of the responsibilities on him during your separation. It’s a great opportunity for him to feel how much of the work you do whether you get back together or not.
I’d use a lot of “yeah juggling all that sounds hard. I’m sure you can figure it out”
Last Edit: Jan 28, 2024 13:48:01 GMT -5 by mofongo
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
I'll echo everyone else and say sorry No matter what happens, I hope you yourself end up in a better space with more support. It is exhausting being the adult responsible for everything and infuriating that the person you are supposed to lean on the most is hurtful.
Fuck this man! Definitely put 50% of the responsibilities on him during your separation. It’s a great opportunity for him to feel how much of the work you do whether you get back together or not.
I’d use a lot of “yeah juggling all that sounds hard. I’m sure you can figure it out”
The thing of it is, the one hesitation I have about this separation arrangement is it puts him 35 minutes away (without traffic) and will leave me with more daily household responsibility than ever. In order for him to start work on time I’ll be the one getting DD ready for school and onto the bus, which he does now. Two dogs and 2 cats to deal with solo. Granted I do most everything else now, but it will be one less physical person to handle any of it. Although, when he’s been away or whatever in the past I am in a better routine to handle things whereas he’s always a whirlwind of chaos with zero routine. I don’t think this separation will properly give him a taste of what actual divorce and likely 50/50 custody responsibility would actually look like. But it will for me.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
Post by longtimenopost on Jan 28, 2024 14:16:56 GMT -5
Sounds like you had a bit of experience with solo parenting, but I will echo that some things were definitely easier during our separation when H was gone. We all grew and had to become a little more independent, even the kids. If you feel comfortable, I also suggest that when it's his time with the kids you go to your mother-in-law's house if everyone is okay with it.
The way we did it was our kids stayed at our house. My husband had an apartment, and although we talked about taking turns staying there, I preferred to stay at my parents house during his time with the kids. My kids never saw the apartment.
Re: work, if he's the one home with the kids he needs to figure it out. Starting later and going later, whatever. Don't design the separation to be easier on him.
Post by melmel4854 on Jan 28, 2024 16:21:01 GMT -5
Ugh! I am so sorry! That is pretty shitty of him to say such nasty stuff to you. You don't deserve to hear those things at all, and I am glad you said that to him. Hugs to you and DD.
I’m so sorry. From things you have said before, it sounds like he is quick to anger/hotheadedness (you mentioned fights with a friend’s husband, the throwing of the TV or fridge or whatever without stopping to think, etc.), and I wonder if this is another in the moment angry reaction instead of being thought through and acted on maturely. But words can’t just be undone, and he needs to face some consequences of his actions and words, so I’m glad you’re holding him to it. Can he bring the pets with him? Or at least the dog?
How far away is the other house from DD’s school? We chose to live 30 mins from SK’s school and have them 50% of the time. The kids get up a little earlier, but everyone still gets where they need to go. I’d say he would need to take 50% parenting responsibility.
Post by starburst604 on Jan 28, 2024 18:59:14 GMT -5
krystee I gave some thought to him taking at least the dogs sometimes, but MIL’s place is small and crowded and they are giant bulls in a china shop at this age.
I think taking rush hour traffic into consideration, she would have to be up nearly an hour earlier. For those from this area, MIL lives off Rt 3 on the S. Shore, a terrible traffic corridor that backs into Boston traffic and they would have to travel through that. DD also has some later practices on weeknights near home so she’d be going to bed even later, never mind figuring in dinner and all. Logistically I can’t get it to work in my mind without being detrimental to her, but maybe in real time we could make it work somehow on days with earlier practices. She might not even mind having to get up earlier because I think she would be really sad not seeing him and vice versa. She hates when he’s gone even overnight and he really hates being away from her.
We didn’t get a chance to talk today. Once DD’s friend came over I made them lunch and we had a crisis with our garage door not closing, so he had to run out a buy a tarp to hang over it so it’s not wide open to the world until it’s fixed. Then DD had a basketball game which we all went to. After that he went to a friend’s to watch the football games which has given me a breather.
He’s definitely trying to act normal and like it was a regular argument instead of basically hitting our marriage with an asteroid. I’m not letting this go though.
starburst604 - is sounds like him getting his ADHD treated may not be a bad first step, honestly.
This is going to be one of the conditions I will need if we stay together, along with regular therapy sessions for him and us. It’s affected him and us for far too long and as someone else said I think it plays a big part in him not thinking through things he says and does. It’s affected him at work too, to the point where they paid for a specialist to work with him on resolving conflict effectively and so forth. Within 30 minutes of meeting him, the specialist said wow you have intense ADHD, don’t you?
I remember where you live and I grew up on the Rt 3 corridor so I totally get how that would be logistically brutal. I can't remember, is your family local? Could you go stay with them a couple nights a week while your H is at the house with your DD so that a) they get more time together and b) can better understand what responsibilities you've been shouldering for him. I know thats not ideal - you shouldn't have to inconvenience your life - but just a thought.
Good for you for not letting him backtrack this to a normal argument. Wherever this leads, its not going to be without serious honesty and work.
Why isn’t he coming back in the morning to get DD on the bus and take care of the dogs ?
I get that it’s a brutal 25 minute commute. But getting up an hour early to be an effective father and co-parent is hardly optional.
It’s his nuclear bomb that got tossed. His shitty morning commute back to where DD wakes up should at least be on the table of how this will look/work now. Otherwise, it just sounds like he is shedding the hard part of having a family and living with mommy.
Post by longtimenopost on Jan 28, 2024 20:40:21 GMT -5
Like others have said, you definitely need to be getting true restful time off during this period. Whether it's staying at your mother-in-law's every other week / trading off, or at least you getting a hotel and he is at the house on weekends, make sure you are getting time to think and process your feelings.
Post by plutosmoon on Jan 28, 2024 20:48:14 GMT -5
Oof rte 3, I can see why that might not work. I'd at least start with him taking her from afterschool on Friday to Monday morning drop off. You also don't want to be the all work time parent (school, homework, etc) while he gets all the weekends, so I'd make sure you get at least one weekend a month with your DD. If Monday dropoff goes well, you can add more weeknight overnights. He needs to do some of the heavy lifting of parenting during this time. If the separations continues into the summer, you can adjust to week on/week off for the summer time.
I know you said finances are a big concern, so I would also look at the child support calculator for MA, assuming he is the higher earner. You'll have some lower utility and food bills to mock up an estimated budget using your income and estimated child support, to see what that might look like for you should he not meet your conditions.